Mortified and Confused

Life has gotten really bad and I'm really depressed. I've just never felt so alone or so outcast as I do right now. I know I go back to this all the time, but when i was really fat I used to think that my weight the root of all my problems. If I lost weight then i would no longer have problems. I think one of the reasons I've struggled with so much depression over the past few years since I initially lost the weight was that I realized I still had lots of problems. Sure some of them changed forms, but I pretty much still had lots of problems...in a lot of ways I had even more problems. I used to hear girls or my friends talk about other girls they thought were perfect and I would think..."I don't want to talk about how perfect this girl is...I want to be that girl that people talk about." In alot of ways....I am that girl. People are constantly telling me I'm sooo skinny...or I look like a model...or beautiful, etc. But it's weird. It's like even though part of you logically believes those things....it doesn't mean you don't still feel ugly deep down. I live for male attention. I depend on it like a drug. I never go on dates. Guys rarely have the guts to approach me....but I live for their stares. I live for knowing they admire me. It's like my whole life is built around being this unattainable figure and then when I'm so alone because I have become this girl....then I feel so depressed. I never go out with my friends anymore....because I can't afford the calories. I never hang out with anyone really....all because I'm so consumed with being this perfect skinny girl....because I believe that's what will make me happy....yet it's done the opposite. It's ruined me. I named this post mortified because this week I took a big risk and approached a guy for a date. Not only was I rejected, but I was rejected cruelly. It's weird because I see guys looking at me all the time and other females will talk like it must be so easy for me to find a bf, but when I finally get bold...it always back fires. I'll always end up pursuing the one guy who could care less about me. I started texting this guy I discovered in a very odd way. Granted the whole thing was weird, but I called myself a secret admirer and thought he might find the whole thing sort of intriguing or funny. He talk to me alot and told me about his job and work, etc. Finally this week I popped in and revealed myself thinking that once he knew I was actually pretty he might take a serious interest. Today I truly realized I had been rejected and then publicly put on blast on FB as a stalker. I can see how it might seem that way but I seriously only meant it in fun. I feel like such a fool and I feel certain that everyone I know will find out and think I'm an idiot. I don't know why he had to be so hateful about it. I just feel so stupid and exactly like fat loser Annie. It's as if I've never changed. I think I won't eat tomorrow. I'm 126 btw. ttyl