Kroger Bag Boy

It's hard to believe that four years ago I was obese. In so many ways I feel totally different from that person now, but the overall idea that I'm a large person still lingers. I was looking at my body in my bathroom mirror this morning after I weighed in at 129. I can see all my ribs. My hipbones protrude. Actually my hipbones stick out so much now I find myself hitting them during the day on counters and even occasionally with my elbow. Weird I know, but they really are sticking out. Despite looking at my body and seeing these bones ...I just felt overwhelmed by how large I was. What's weird is that even when I was very fat I used to pride myself on having a very small frame. Now that I'm thinner you'd think I'd feel overall very small, but I don't. I feel I have a large, bulky frame. You know people tell me all day long how thin I look....they ask me how I do it. They tell me not to lose anymore. One woman this week said I must weigh 100lbs. lol I wish. But instead of being able to think of myself positively from these compliments....I can only think of the negative things that were either said years ago...or some comments that were said in the past few months. This spring a black guy came into my work. He commented to one of my co workers that I was kind of "thick" ....I was heartbroken. I went into a panic. I began asking anyone I knew whether they would consider me thick and many of them said yes!! I considered myself fairly slim at the time. I understand that thick means something slightly different in the african american culture, but still my name and the word "thick" have no business being together. A few weeks after that I was on a diet and mentioned that was dieting to an acquaintance. She immediately snapped and said "You aint never gonna be no Barbie so you need to get that out of your head." .....I don't even need to say how that made me feel. Then this summer I was at a friends house having some beer and his cousin randomly says that I have pretty wide hips. Like it absolutely had no relevance to our conversation whatsoever. In fact...he had just gotten done saying how his wife was actually obese and he himself is very overweight....yet he's commenting on the figure of me while I'm wearing a size 4 mini skirt??? It was just depressing. All of that really hurt, but honestly I was in such a fog all this year I didn't even process all these incidences normally. My January breakup broke my heart. It's really taken till now to care about anything again. Well in regards to the title of this post and my earlier mentioning of my overweight days. I started seeing this bag boy at my local kroger back when I was obese. I thought he was soooo cute. He reminded me of Tyson Ritter. I would always try to find a way to maybe get him to notice me, but I was invisible to him. I've seen him through the years since on and off, but somewhat rarely. Anyways he was ringing me up last week and literally fumbling over his words to impress me. It was so cute and kind of amazing. It reinforces my need to be thin. This is the first time I've seen him so interested in me and I'm the thinnest I've ever been. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together. Why would girls not choose a path of starving if the payout can be endless male attention?? That's probably been my biggest payout. It's certainly hurt me in many ways, but when it comes to boys?? never.