I'm old.

It's so weird going back and reading old posts. Its just crazy to see how much I've done and what I've been through. I'm 25 now and I've been in the midst of mid 20's crisis. Just your typical post grad ....what am I doing with my life stuff. I feel so old and stuck. Like this is my life now and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that all that "You can be whatever you want to be" phase of my life is over. I think a lot of the reason I go back to ED issues is because of that loss of control in my life. I feel out of control and bad about my life and therefore I start working on the things I can control - my weight. I'm 130. I'm not thrilled about it, but it's comfortable for now. It's a happier place than the 142 I was sporting about 6 weeks ago. I've been working out a ton....focusing on my fitness, strength training, and all of this while starving. It's definitely taking it's toll and I actually think starving has held back my weight loss actually, but not eating just makes me feel too good mentally. I feel accomplished when I don't eat. I feel good about myself. Here lately I've been eating probably around 500 calories a day and lots of coffee. Obviously something has worked or I wouldn't be so thin, but I'm obviously still not doing enough. I want to be 120. I think I can finally do this. We shall see.

Validated

Last night I think I had a breakthrough. It's been over a year now and I'm still facebook stalking my ex and still stuck in this rut of comparing everybody to him and feeling like I'll never really move on. I've given myself alot of slack because granted he was my first love and I did idolize him on another level, but still why can't I move past a guy I wasn't even with for that long. I've always gotten over guys quickly...but I'm just so stuck on him. I got myself sort of excited this week because his wife left him at exactly the same time this year that he left me last year....so he's put all this depressing stuff on facebook and seems realllly low. But even still I wondered why I even cared. It's so over.....It's soooo over. So why do I keep rehashing every little thing instead of moving on and finding someone else. Well last night I went to the club with my friends and on the way home I started talking all about how I didn't know why I was still so depressed about this and she was agreeing....and all the sudden I said some really honest things I guess I'd been suppressing....maybe I did know but I was just in denial. Regardless, it was amazing and now I'm just wondering what to do with this new revealed truth. I was telling her how I could have gotten a new bf by now, but I am my own enemy. Because any time a guys shows interest...even if I first kind of like him....I automatically feel disgusted by him simply because I now realize he likes me. It's like I think that anyone who would possibly be interested in me is a freak, weird, social reject. The reason I feel that way is because deep down I hate myself. I still believe all those things about me that people used to say growing up....like I'm ugly, fat. stupid, loser. I think because of all this I feel like I have something to prove to all of them. Like I want to be with the most muscled out, tall, handsome guy simply so they can see it and then it's like they won't be able to think those things about me any more. With Brandon...I crushed on him for ages. I thought he was perfect....so in my mind he was already on a trophy level. When he expressed interest in me and seemed to love me....it's like everything those people thought about me went away and I was able to love myself.....because after all - heres this perfect 6'4 muscley jock telling me that I'm beautiful...so therefore I'm worthy of love and acceptance. I took Brandon's opinions about me as the pinnacle of truth. When he rejected me I think it came down on me a million times worse simply because I had put so much stock into what he thought. So now that I realize the real problem here....what do I do?? I know now that I have to start loving myself and feel worthy regardless of society, but I don't know how to actually do that. When you've spent your entire life hating who you are and having others basically reinforcing that idea....how do you change the cycle?? This is something I'm going to have to work on. But I think the first step is forcing myself to accept love. Whether it be a simple flirtatious gesture or whatever....accept that someone likes me and don't immediately back away from that. In other news....my anti depressant situation is all out of whack. I don't know if I've mentioned it at all here before so I'll spare going into it, but basically insurance companies suck and I hate being crazy. Lastly I'm 127. ttyl

Fragile

That is the word I would use to describe my current mental/life state. For most of my life people have always commented on how strong and independent I seem, but I know that it's a cover for someone that feels hurt and rejected. I try to talk and act extra brave and extra confident in order to compensate. It's only been at this new job that I think people really seem to call me out on it. Two of my coworkers like to rough house and they are always teasing me that they are afraid to touch me because I'm fragile. This is in reference to my physical state. I, of course, do not see this. I see strong meaty thighs, a gut, and awkwardly lanky arms. I can't imagine someone thinking I look like I could be injured easily because in my mind I look like a beast that can take anything....and for the most part, I think that's why people have picked on me so much over the years....because I look like I can take it. Anyways....yes, my phsical and mental state seems fragile at the moment. See I was given a new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicine as a sample pack. The medicine worked wonders for me and I'm much happier, but when I went to refill it my insurance company refused to cover it. Instead I've been given this zombie drug that literally makes me feels emotionless and drained of all energy. I hate this. What's the point of having good medicines if insurance companies won't allow people to have them. Then theres the drama with my job and whether or not I'm being laid off. It's just all so frustrating and overwhelming at the moment. My family is leaving in a few days to visit my sister in China and see her get married. Lucky me...I don't get to attend. Once again...because of money. I'm hoping their time away will provide me some time to play....if you know what I mean. I never get to go out....so I'm hoping I can have some good nights down town before they come back. I'm 129lbs btw. One thing about this new drug is that it will either cause major weight gain or major weight loss based on reviews.....lets hope for the latter. ttyl

Happy New Year!

I'm excited about today. I had a pretty good new years eve and I have alot of hopes for this year. I feel like 2013 is going to be a great year for me. I know this is going to sound extremely juvenile, but 3 has always been a lucky number for me. In fact I use the number 33 as a tag to almost all my usernames and passwords.....idk theres just something that feels really lucky about that number. Plus you know how they says third times a charm. Well, I've been trying to get this weight loss, fitness, and love stuff figured out for the past 3 years. Maybe this is my year. I will say this. Last night I was taking all sorts of pictures and I was kind of shocked. You know how people with ED's can't see them selves properly in real life. Sometimes it takes a picture to knock sense into them. Well I realized last night that I'm reallllly thin. Like thin enough. Like my face looks gaunt. I look so thin and pale....not really healthy. Sure the flash of the camera in club lighting didn't help my ghost like appearance, but this year I'm focusing on being a healthy, fit, and natural me. I want to put good foods into my body and eat the way God intended. It's going to be hard, but I've got to give up all this bad stuff I constantly consume. I've got to give up Splenda. In other news....my best friend has an opportunity to go to LA this February and work on modeling/commercial stuff. He just keeps saying that he's wanting to stay out there when he goes. Now I know he's likely not going to be able to afford to stay out there immediately, but it also made me realize that if he leaves me....I have no one. I need to broaden my horizons and put myself out there. I need to stop being so afraid to get involved with new different people. I can't depend on one friend to hold me over. I just have alot to think about over the next year. Alot of plans to make and so forth. I'm excited about all the opportunities and exciting prospects this year might bring. I'm at a good place right now....So 2013....Here I come. ; )

A Fresh Start...

I have to admit that I feel kind of stupid writing that title because I feel like I have had so many "new" starts...but whatever....it's about to be 2013 and that's what this post is all about. So you're probably wondering why I disappeared for forever....and now I'm even forgetting when I last updated. I'll just quickly summarize this past month. After Thanksgiving and all the eating I was weighing around 130 and I was annoyed with myself about it. I had been feeling a little out of control lately and so I decided to do something different and drastic....Atkins diet. Of course this required me to quit my vegan lifestyle temporarily, but I thought if I could hit 115 then it would all be worth it. I love it the first week. Sure I had no energy and whatever, but it's like no matter how much I ate(and I ate a ton) I never got that bloated stomach you get when you eat even a small amount of carbs. Anyways I quickly lost a few pounds and hit 125lbs but then I couldn't shift anything. Then I bounced back up to 127/128 and no matter how much I maintained the diet I wasn't losing. I never gained anymore but I wasn't losing....I also always felt swollen and I was so sick of eating unhealthy stuff like cheese and fake meats. Anyways....I quit on Dec. 26th. I ate carbs in moderation...I also started my period. My weight went nuts for a couple days but now I'm at 129/130. I'm okay, but I'm annoyed that I can't shift this weight and I am semi unmotivated right now. I think my new plan of attack is to have lots of premade healthy food and lots of good healthy recipes. I think knowing more options and having lots of choices is a big deal for me. If I can find some sweet treats that I really enjoy....that will make all the difference. In other news....I finally did go to the doctor for my thyroid and depression and it turns out my thyroid was really low. So I'm sure that hasn't helped my diet. Also, I started taking a new anti-depressant and I love it. I feel so much more calm, happy, and positive about life in general. I'd share more, but I'm tired....ttyl.

Making deals with God

From a very young age I remember feeling very in tune with God. I didn't always realize it was God that was directing my conscience, but as I became older and more self aware I understood that He was the one guiding me all along. I guess deep down I always felt like it was him putting certain ideas in my head, but another part of me would rationalize that I was just being silly and letting my imagination get the better of me. Because a part of me did believe God was listening and speaking to me through the experiences I faced in life....I would make deals with him. I've always been asking God to grant me certain things....sometimes I make promises in return about what I will or will not do in return. Most of these requests are shadowed by something greater though. The greatest request I ever made from God and the one I know he granted me. One summer when I was probably 12 I started reading proverbs and praying alot. The whole concept of wisdom became really important to me. I was fascinated by "wise" people of the Bible and today.....and I wanted to be one of those people. I began to pray constantly for wisdom. I read the book of proverbs over and over again and prayed heavily for wisdom at the present and wisdom as I grew older. I believe when we truly seek pure things WITH pure intentions....God loves to give them to us. This is one of those things. I believe my request of wisdom has been granted and it's presence has stood out in many situations I've faced. Do I think that I myself am extremely wise and intelligent??? Heck no! Do I think God has granted me insight and good instincts at very crucial moments in my life in order to make WISE decisions??? YES!!! Another way I always felt God was talking to me was with regard to my weight. I remember when I was growing up people would always tell me how beautiful I was, but I could tell their compliments were masked with hesitance because while they thought I was pretty....they also still knew I was fat. All growing up my parents would just blatantly say that I was their "most beautiful daughter"....this would usually be followed with "Now if you can just get your weight under control...." -_- Even though I knew I was pretty...or at least had the potential to be pretty.... I couldn't get a handle on my weight. I used to believe God was not allowing my to find the willpower to lose weight because he knew if I lost weight I would go out of control....and I would have. I can tell you right now that if I had always been thin....I would either have kids and some low life husband....or I'd be some sort of porn star/stripper. I always had a high sex drive and then on top of it...I longed for the male attention that I never got from my father. Now that I'm older I KNOW God was keeping me from being thin until I was mature enough to manage being thin. I'm old enough to have self worth and self value that I won't sleep around casually...and I won't fall for the lines of some guy. And this comes back to where I was headed with the wisdom story. I often wonder how I didn't have sex with Brandon. I know pretty much every girl he's even hinted at sex with has jumped at the chance. He even told me...no one ever made him wait. Of course he could have been lying, but I don't think so. I remember every date we went on just seeing how all the girls just stared at him soooo intently....lusting after him. He was beautiful. He made me totally wet just from the thought of him. When he would repeatedly ask me for sex...I truly believe the only reason I was able to say no was because of my wisdom deal with God. I think he gave me the insight to somehow sense that the whole relationship was a waste. I never consciously realized it, but subconsciously I knew brandon was just a jerk..... even when he fed me all the lines to make me believe otherwise. I think God kept me from this whole situation and has planned everything the way he has for a special reason. I can't help but believe there is a special purpose ahead for me. I've always believe it somewhat, but today this whole thing has really been on my mind. Maybe it's about time I stop obsessing about my issues and start trusting that everything is coming together up ahead....I just can't see it yet. = )

Creep

I feel like this is the never ending rant that plays on repeat in my head. I'm sorry for subjecting anyone who bothers to read my blog to this broken record, but this blog is a diary of my thoughts and struggles.....this is my biggest struggle. I get so angry when I think about how life has turned upside down since high school. In high school the most important thing in the world is being skinny and pretty. I spent all of high school watching all the skinny pretty girls getting attention and preferential treatment while I sat on the sidelines being unimportant and ignored. Guys made fun of me....I felt bullied most of highschool even though I was never physically hurt. Even in college looks play a huge role in everything....even though they slowly start mattering less and less. Unfortunately for me I wasn't truly thin and pretty until my senior year. Even then I was still 140. Now when I'm finally coming into the body I've always wanted .... appearance starts meaning less and less. I feel like in high school if you were the prettiest girl you were put on a pedestal....but once you're an adult people are more likely to despise you for being beautiful than anything else. Also, all those girls that were so perfect snagged there prince charming and are now fat with at least one kid. It's actually crazy because it's like when I finally got myself to where I was beating them at their own game....they completely changed the rules. Now it's like it doesn't matter if you're fat. I just feel like I can't win. Sometimes I hate myself too because I feel like I'm caving into their game even though I know better. I know if I can get out of this area I can meet lots of attractive guys and I know that outside of this depressing fat town...people really care about looks. I hate days like this. I hate myself for missing my ex. He was really a jerk. But I've never physically wanted a guy so much in my life. I miss his lips. I miss his scent. The first time we made out he was sweaty from an earlier workout....I literally licked the sweat off him. That's how irresistible he was to me. I just want to replace him so bad so I don't have to think of him. I will never be able to get over him until I have someone else to think about.