Same old story

I'm getting to the point where I'm simply exhausted of thinking about diet, weight, being skinny, ect. i'm just at the point where I'm un-phased by it all. I used to live for this stuff, but at least for right now I simply feel annoyed by it and resentful of the way society acts towards those subjects.
Well basically last Sunday I weighed 137 and I was starting to feel really thin again, but I just randomly got the idea that I could eat and maybe I could be normal again. I always start that conversation in my head and it never leads to anything good. The fact is I can't be normal. This eating disorder has consumed me and I won't be able to ever live without obsessing over my weight and my calorie intake. But regardless I started that whole mental conversation again and it resulted in a grocery run and a binge. On Monday I was supposed to go back on diet but the idea came to me again that I could eat normally and I started eating some broccoli in home-made guacamole. omg it was so good, but then I decided to look up the calories in an avocado. Okay I know the calories in almost any food so for me to not know the calories in that avocado is pretty insane, but once I saw I have eaten around 500 calories in that one meal I went on an all out frustration driven binge. It was ridiculous and discouraging. I did 100 calories the following day, 100 calories yesterday, and 100 calories today. You know what the crazy thing is? I didnt really think about what I was doing. I was just following a routine or procedure. Like I didn't have some big motivation fest before starting up the 100 calorie fast. This is odd to me because I know how i am and although 100 calories is a challenge at times it's usually only that way the first few days. I'm just so used to this way of life I guess that it simply came naturally?

It's been like 5 months that I've been living this way. Binge. Starve. Binge. Starve. Binge. Starve. Omg I'm so over it all.
I don't even care about weight right now....I'm just doing this all because it's how I deal with life apparently. At least being so unphased by this diet will allow me to stick to it long enough to make an impact on my weight this time. I swear this really be the last time I'm in the high 130's. I weigh 138 today so hopefully I will hit 137 tomorrow, followed by 135 on Sunday and 130 by the end of next week. I really feel certain I can hit my goal this time because I'm just into 100 calorie mode...or at least brain dead enough not to do anything different.

Oh well.

btw Katy Perry has come out saying she weighs 130 and she is 5'7/5'8. Now I realize half her weight is in her boobs and I have none(its all in my thighs), but even if I get down to 130 I don't think I will be remotely near what her body looks like. I was 134 a couple weeks ago and I was still so freakin fat!.

See you at 137.