Everytime I have to come back and write that I binged I feel so ashamed. Its the post I always put off and dread having to face so I usually end up waiting till I'm a day in to the diet before I face up to everything.
So I pretty much count this week as a metabolism boosting gain but diet-self esteem crushing loss. I ate pretty much consistently since last Saturday night...that is until yesterday when my diet resumed. I haven't been able to look in the mirror because I've been afraid of what I would see, but when I finally did my reflection was pretty bad. My stomach is sticking out...I feel like I can barely see my hip bones...my thighs feel like they can't stop rubbing eachother....and then I decided to do the dreaded weigh in this morning and check the damage. I have always been able to eye my weight...like usually by looking in the mirror I can guess my weight spot on. I guessed that I weigh 143-145. I weighed 139. Wow. My metabolism boost had obviously leveled off the calorie intake, but I can't believe how little I know my own body these days! Like I was completely and totally off....which tells me that my perception of myself is totally and completely off and WRONG! I must not look like I think I do because there was a time when I felt thin at 139....and I remember thinking I was so skinny. Now I don't see it at all....at all.
That really scared me. I just feel reminded of how much this has affected my head. I know being like 5 pounds off doesn't seem like alot, but I've never been that wrong...I'm never even usually wrong. period.
Well its a good thing that I'm 139 rather than 145, but anyways....that means i'm shooting for 137 tomorrow. I know I can drop a good bit the first few days back on diet andddd I'm retaining so...yea.
I'm really struggling and I don't know why it's so hard to get myself back on diet, but it's crucial that I do right now before any more damage is done.
Wish me luck...I so hate being back at square one.
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