Okay so I'm in the midst of cramming for a final, but I can't resist the need to blog! So yesterday I hit 139 and therefore ate in order to bump back my metabolism. I'm not sure if eating for one day will really help, but I did eat around 1500 calories(95% vegetables and healthy foods). I'm not going to say I didn't feel guilty...I totally felt ugly and afraid to look in the mirror all day for fear that i would see I had become obese again. Anyways... I weigh like 141 today and I know that is primarily from the fact that there is still much of the food in my system. I'm dieting again today though. I just hateeeeee the fact that I have to metabolism bumping days. I love when I finally can eat a little something, but honestly the excitement about eating wanes after about 300 calories. Like after a week of 100 calories a day I get really weak and I'm really ready to eat something, but on my "food days" the thrill is drained so much quicker. I'm not explaining this well. Basically I feel more excitement and happiness for longer from my starvation rather than my eating. When I'm only eating 100 calories I feel powerful and strong and like progress is being made....and that my goals are in view....and that i will soon be beautiful. When I eat I just feel the happiness of that bite...that second...that taste...and then it's over and I'm sad and regretful.
Plus wakign up to 1 pound loss every morning is so exciting....omg it's so exciting. So basically I feel at peace with both worlds right now. I understand that I have to eat on my food days, but that doesn't mean to go nuts...it just means eat and eat consistently throughout the day. I think that is good training for when I want to maintain my weight(long ways away). But I also feel at peace with my 100 calorie days in that I really feel joy on them.
I mention this all because before when I was eating 100 calories it felt like if I ate I was going to lose all control, but I've finally come to a realization that I'm the one in control here. I know where I'm going with this thing and I know what I'm doing.... I have control of the food and it's not controlling me in either direction. That was a really exciting realization.
Time for a new mini goal! Okay so I'm making a stretch goal here, but if I'm 141 right now I'm just going to treat that like it's my actual weight and ignore the fact that it's likely 2 lbs of unmoved bowel movements. haha With that being said....I'm going to try and aim for a pound a day again....soooo I'll try to be 135 by next Monday?? I really feel like it won't happen, but I know I'm going to take all the steps to make it happen. = )
I hope yesterday was enough of a metabolism boost. :/
Until next time.....wish me luck on this final! yikes!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
"This is the part where I realize that I'm alone"
Refrain - Cady Groves ....this song (at least parts) is my song of the day.
I nearly broke down today. I think my friend at work knew I was about to cry. I don't know why I can't handle anything....I'm worried that I'm crazy now. Why was I so hard on that friend?? Did he really even do anything wrong? He never even got to explain his side to me...
Is this diet even that big of a deal?? I mean I'm not even near a low bmi! I don't know why I've fallen apart this semester in every way, but I can't take anything else. I just want to die...literally.
Well after all the stress of the day I came home and tried to talk to my Mom....I just need to let out some of this stress, but everything I shared with her was quickly shot down. With regard to my friend situation she responded - "He wasn't even that close of a friend?!" and gave me this confused/judgemental look. With regard to my diet she told me to eat something....
If I didn't want to kill myself already that conversation sealed the deal.
The other thing that annoys me is that she throws religion as a solution to everything. I believe in God and I am definitely a professing Christian, but she blames all my problems on not going to church enough or not being close to God. That kind of attitude is the last thing I need. It's like she won't actually hear me...she just wants to throw a blanket solution over the problem.
I know my issues with my friend relate to male trust issues I have which stem from a horrible relationship I have with my Dad. I also know that I need therapy in that department regardless of this friend. I honestly think the reason this all hurt so much is because I used him as a mask for all other failed relationships and problems. I just ignored everything else and invested everything into the instant gratification he provided. I just want to be over this so bad.
I think I am suffering from depression. Severe depression. I think it stems from this diet a lot, but I think there is an underlying sadness that I have ignored for years and I think it's just rearing it's head because the rawness of my current circumstances has unveiled there presence to me.
I wish I had someone I could talk to. I wish I had someone to confide in. Someone who would get it without judgement. I don't have the ability to call up any of my friends and discuss this sort of thing. I might be able to discuss things with the friend I'm visiting in a few weeks, but I feel like she would just lecture me(out of love) mostly.
I'm on track to hit 139 by tomorrow. btw I know I already blogged once for this day(it's technically tomorrow now), but I needed to vent.
I will say one thing more. When I started this diet I thought that all my problems stemmed from the fact that I was fat and therefore people didn't respect me or value me, but I'm starting to see that I had just as many and MORE friends at that time then I do now. I didn't love myself at that weight and I don't love myself now. The number on the scale will never really change that. I've got to learn to love myself as I am ...regardless of my size or weight. This is not to say that I plan on stopping dieting(never!)....I don't know any other way to live, but I've got to make loving myself a priority in my day. I've got to stop looking in the mirror and seeing the flaws first and only. I've got to stop comparing myself to every girl I see. I've got to stop thinking everyone is looking at me and thinking only of my weight.
The people I'm friends with now loved me when i was really fat....so why wouldn't I be able to make friends and maintain those same relationships when I'm thinner.
Okay...I'm really done now. = \
I'll see you at 139 for real this time.
I nearly broke down today. I think my friend at work knew I was about to cry. I don't know why I can't handle anything....I'm worried that I'm crazy now. Why was I so hard on that friend?? Did he really even do anything wrong? He never even got to explain his side to me...
Is this diet even that big of a deal?? I mean I'm not even near a low bmi! I don't know why I've fallen apart this semester in every way, but I can't take anything else. I just want to die...literally.
Well after all the stress of the day I came home and tried to talk to my Mom....I just need to let out some of this stress, but everything I shared with her was quickly shot down. With regard to my friend situation she responded - "He wasn't even that close of a friend?!" and gave me this confused/judgemental look. With regard to my diet she told me to eat something....
If I didn't want to kill myself already that conversation sealed the deal.
The other thing that annoys me is that she throws religion as a solution to everything. I believe in God and I am definitely a professing Christian, but she blames all my problems on not going to church enough or not being close to God. That kind of attitude is the last thing I need. It's like she won't actually hear me...she just wants to throw a blanket solution over the problem.
I know my issues with my friend relate to male trust issues I have which stem from a horrible relationship I have with my Dad. I also know that I need therapy in that department regardless of this friend. I honestly think the reason this all hurt so much is because I used him as a mask for all other failed relationships and problems. I just ignored everything else and invested everything into the instant gratification he provided. I just want to be over this so bad.
I think I am suffering from depression. Severe depression. I think it stems from this diet a lot, but I think there is an underlying sadness that I have ignored for years and I think it's just rearing it's head because the rawness of my current circumstances has unveiled there presence to me.
I wish I had someone I could talk to. I wish I had someone to confide in. Someone who would get it without judgement. I don't have the ability to call up any of my friends and discuss this sort of thing. I might be able to discuss things with the friend I'm visiting in a few weeks, but I feel like she would just lecture me(out of love) mostly.
I'm on track to hit 139 by tomorrow. btw I know I already blogged once for this day(it's technically tomorrow now), but I needed to vent.
I will say one thing more. When I started this diet I thought that all my problems stemmed from the fact that I was fat and therefore people didn't respect me or value me, but I'm starting to see that I had just as many and MORE friends at that time then I do now. I didn't love myself at that weight and I don't love myself now. The number on the scale will never really change that. I've got to learn to love myself as I am ...regardless of my size or weight. This is not to say that I plan on stopping dieting(never!)....I don't know any other way to live, but I've got to make loving myself a priority in my day. I've got to stop looking in the mirror and seeing the flaws first and only. I've got to stop comparing myself to every girl I see. I've got to stop thinking everyone is looking at me and thinking only of my weight.
The people I'm friends with now loved me when i was really fat....so why wouldn't I be able to make friends and maintain those same relationships when I'm thinner.
Okay...I'm really done now. = \
I'll see you at 139 for real this time.
Like an addict
Well I'm 140 as I planned. Tomorrow I'll be 139 and then I'll eat around 500 calories...feel full and gross all day for at least a day or two and then realize I hate it and come back to my hundred calories. It's just the never ending cycle. I do know that I'll never be able to eat like I used to. I can't see myself ever just eating cake without thinking about the exact calories or where I could purge or whether I have enough exlax to fix things later. Is it sick to say I'm thankful for that?
I know many people on here can be soooo critical of fat people, but I don't feel the resentment towards fat people like some people with ED's seem to. I feel really sorry for them and i want to help them.....BUTTTT if they are part of the super fat and proud movement then I start feeling annoyed. I hate people going on about being curvy when they are like 250 pounds. That's not curvy...thats fat and possibly obese! I did see yesterday that my weight this time last year had me with a BMI of 31!! I was obese this time last year!! I'm now 140???! I just have food issues period. I don't know how to eat till I'm full and then stop...I don't know what full is....I don't know how to eat like a normal person. I'm always going to be prone towards being an extreme in either direction, but I know that obese me is gone for good. I will add though that despite being 5'8- 205lbs....I was only a size 16. So it's not really what it might seem when you picture an obese person.
btw...I can wear a size 8 jean now and size 6 skirt. I don't know how that works, but they vary. I still have a long ways to go but i think I can be a size 4 jean and size 2 skirt at 120. I'm just basing that off the fact that I think about 10 pounds go into each dress size. Idk...just a guess.
Before I run...here's my intake for the day:
3 cups of tea
toast: 100
1 vegan link: 45
= 145 calories = )
Thankfully I don't have any more vegan links so that shouldn't even be a temptation.
See you at 139 ; )
I know many people on here can be soooo critical of fat people, but I don't feel the resentment towards fat people like some people with ED's seem to. I feel really sorry for them and i want to help them.....BUTTTT if they are part of the super fat and proud movement then I start feeling annoyed. I hate people going on about being curvy when they are like 250 pounds. That's not curvy...thats fat and possibly obese! I did see yesterday that my weight this time last year had me with a BMI of 31!! I was obese this time last year!! I'm now 140???! I just have food issues period. I don't know how to eat till I'm full and then stop...I don't know what full is....I don't know how to eat like a normal person. I'm always going to be prone towards being an extreme in either direction, but I know that obese me is gone for good. I will add though that despite being 5'8- 205lbs....I was only a size 16. So it's not really what it might seem when you picture an obese person.
btw...I can wear a size 8 jean now and size 6 skirt. I don't know how that works, but they vary. I still have a long ways to go but i think I can be a size 4 jean and size 2 skirt at 120. I'm just basing that off the fact that I think about 10 pounds go into each dress size. Idk...just a guess.
Before I run...here's my intake for the day:
3 cups of tea
toast: 100
1 vegan link: 45
= 145 calories = )
Thankfully I don't have any more vegan links so that shouldn't even be a temptation.
See you at 139 ; )
Saturday, December 4, 2010
The cycle continues
So today I weigh 141. I ate 200 calories this morning because - 1. I was super hungry 2. I thought it would be okay considering I was going to be on my feet for 8 hours. I still feel anxious about it but here is what i have eaten.
Toast: 100 calories
Vegan links w/ ketchup: 100
2 coffees and 1 tea
So yea. Hopefully I'll still hit 140 by tomorrow...and 139 by Monday. I'm soooooooooo dying to go eat a salad or something so I'm just going to bed instead.
Today was a horrible day at work...and depressing too. I'm sad about everything I always mention and I'm having reallllllly weird deja vu. Last year at this time I was loving life...listening to lots of Lady Gaga, being with my friends, and driving to work in lots of snow....my life is exactly the same except I'm without my friends and the other two factors just remind me of the absence....also the fact that I'm not getting ready for a really exciting life in England. Oh well.
Monster - Lady Gaga ...it's the best song fyi = )
Today one really surreal thing happened. I work retail in case I haven't mentioned before and while I was checking out a woman who was purchasing a shirt I owned I commented to her that I loved that shirt and wore it all the time. She then responded that it probably looked better on me because I'm so small. what!? I'm so small??? me?? I'm sure she was just being nice, but I felt so startled. This woman knows nothing of my struggles or where I've been ...she just saw me for what I look like to her...small? wow
I am liking my body more, but the things I don't like will be pretty much gone when I'm 130. I can't wait. It is easier to diet when you're zeroing in on perfection. I think I will be the best stick figure ever....I'm so committed and in love with my own bones. = )
Toast: 100 calories
Vegan links w/ ketchup: 100
2 coffees and 1 tea
So yea. Hopefully I'll still hit 140 by tomorrow...and 139 by Monday. I'm soooooooooo dying to go eat a salad or something so I'm just going to bed instead.
Today was a horrible day at work...and depressing too. I'm sad about everything I always mention and I'm having reallllllly weird deja vu. Last year at this time I was loving life...listening to lots of Lady Gaga, being with my friends, and driving to work in lots of snow....my life is exactly the same except I'm without my friends and the other two factors just remind me of the absence....also the fact that I'm not getting ready for a really exciting life in England. Oh well.
Monster - Lady Gaga ...it's the best song fyi = )
Today one really surreal thing happened. I work retail in case I haven't mentioned before and while I was checking out a woman who was purchasing a shirt I owned I commented to her that I loved that shirt and wore it all the time. She then responded that it probably looked better on me because I'm so small. what!? I'm so small??? me?? I'm sure she was just being nice, but I felt so startled. This woman knows nothing of my struggles or where I've been ...she just saw me for what I look like to her...small? wow
I am liking my body more, but the things I don't like will be pretty much gone when I'm 130. I can't wait. It is easier to diet when you're zeroing in on perfection. I think I will be the best stick figure ever....I'm so committed and in love with my own bones. = )
Friday, December 3, 2010
I get excited to pee...
I know that sounds insane and it obviously has nothing to do with real weight loss, but I weigh myself around 50+ times a day and I weigh myself at least once or twice everytime I pee to see if I lose any water weight. lol I know I'm an idiot, but you know how it goes.
I weigh 142 today. I feel so disoriented. I'm definitely back in 100 calorie mode because I couldn't even bring myself to eat a pea. My mom made them for dinner and I was tempted to eat one of them just because I was soooooo hungry, but I know that's a slippery slope. If you say yes to one then next thing you now I'm on a binge. Besides that I'm on a dieting roll. I'm going to milk this 100 calorie streak for all it's worth. I can probably drop another 5 pounds before the weight comes to a halt or I lose will power...then I will eat 500 calories for a couple days and then resume. I don't want to get greedy, but I definitely think that not only will 130 be possible by Christmas, but that I may hit 129 by then. To even hit the 120's would be the best Christmas present ever.
I feel so disoriented today. I've been so starved on this 100 calorie thing that I literally CANNOT sleep. Like I just feel so exhausted, but I am unable to sleep more than a few hours. I've probably had 20 hours of sleep for this entire week. So last night I was sooooo depressed. I was stressing out about my lost friend. I just miss him already. I was contemplating the whole situation and wondering whether I did the right thing. Wondering if he is OK. Wondering if I hurt him more than he hurt me. Wondering if all the pressure he's under is making him as suicidal as I have been. Wondering if he even feels pressure. Wondering if he's mad at me. Wondering if he'll ever miss me and wondering if he meant it all the times he told me he loved me or wondering if that was all a part of his game. I finally managed to drift off after hours and hours of tossing and turning. I woke up like just over 3 hours later ....I was WIDE awake. So weird.
Well I went to the bathroom to weigh in as usual and I had one of those moments where it really hits me how thin I am. I just didn't even recognize the body in front of me. Don't get me wrong....I feel obese and there is such a long way to go, but you know how sometimes you catch yourself at the right angle and you feel like you know longer know that person in the mirror. I had that moment. I've struggled with eating for my entire life as I've said before, but despite my experiences with starvation and purging...I've never managed to get below 150. I am the thinnest I've ever been. I think this morning was the first time I've realized how I really am in this thing....whatever this thing is.
My family is starting to take me seriously. I think they are seeing that I actually am getting very thin and that I'm not showing any signs of slowing down.
One thing that's really been bothering(and scaring) me lately is my heart. It hurts soooooooooo bad and it pounds like it's taking everything it's got to keep going. I know I'm super anaemic....I know I'm starving...and I know I'm extremely stressed....so overall I'm just worried about what's going on there. The last way i want to die is by some freak heart attack. I know this sounds like I'm being over dramatic, but if you knew my health history you would understand. I just have a history of getting freak illnesses. If it's something random, weird, and unlikely.... I'll probably get it. So that all just has me paranoid...not to mention in pain.
I am going to be 139 by Monday. I'm determined. The idea that I will actually see "13-anything" just blows my mind. I guess because even when I was so determined to get this weight off and get control back in the summer...I didn't actually believe I could do it because I never could before. Like I was aware that this was different than my previous attempts because mentally I was sooooooooooo determined, but still.
I think also I feel somewhat fake...like I post here about my food issues, but do I even have diet credibility when I weigh this much?? But now I'm zeroing in on a lower weight and before I know it I'll be underweight and then I'll have the right to speak about this all. = )
I hope if you're reading this you are happy and succeeding in your weight loss efforts. <3
Until next time...
I weigh 142 today. I feel so disoriented. I'm definitely back in 100 calorie mode because I couldn't even bring myself to eat a pea. My mom made them for dinner and I was tempted to eat one of them just because I was soooooo hungry, but I know that's a slippery slope. If you say yes to one then next thing you now I'm on a binge. Besides that I'm on a dieting roll. I'm going to milk this 100 calorie streak for all it's worth. I can probably drop another 5 pounds before the weight comes to a halt or I lose will power...then I will eat 500 calories for a couple days and then resume. I don't want to get greedy, but I definitely think that not only will 130 be possible by Christmas, but that I may hit 129 by then. To even hit the 120's would be the best Christmas present ever.
I feel so disoriented today. I've been so starved on this 100 calorie thing that I literally CANNOT sleep. Like I just feel so exhausted, but I am unable to sleep more than a few hours. I've probably had 20 hours of sleep for this entire week. So last night I was sooooo depressed. I was stressing out about my lost friend. I just miss him already. I was contemplating the whole situation and wondering whether I did the right thing. Wondering if he is OK. Wondering if I hurt him more than he hurt me. Wondering if all the pressure he's under is making him as suicidal as I have been. Wondering if he even feels pressure. Wondering if he's mad at me. Wondering if he'll ever miss me and wondering if he meant it all the times he told me he loved me or wondering if that was all a part of his game. I finally managed to drift off after hours and hours of tossing and turning. I woke up like just over 3 hours later ....I was WIDE awake. So weird.
Well I went to the bathroom to weigh in as usual and I had one of those moments where it really hits me how thin I am. I just didn't even recognize the body in front of me. Don't get me wrong....I feel obese and there is such a long way to go, but you know how sometimes you catch yourself at the right angle and you feel like you know longer know that person in the mirror. I had that moment. I've struggled with eating for my entire life as I've said before, but despite my experiences with starvation and purging...I've never managed to get below 150. I am the thinnest I've ever been. I think this morning was the first time I've realized how I really am in this thing....whatever this thing is.
My family is starting to take me seriously. I think they are seeing that I actually am getting very thin and that I'm not showing any signs of slowing down.
One thing that's really been bothering(and scaring) me lately is my heart. It hurts soooooooooo bad and it pounds like it's taking everything it's got to keep going. I know I'm super anaemic....I know I'm starving...and I know I'm extremely stressed....so overall I'm just worried about what's going on there. The last way i want to die is by some freak heart attack. I know this sounds like I'm being over dramatic, but if you knew my health history you would understand. I just have a history of getting freak illnesses. If it's something random, weird, and unlikely.... I'll probably get it. So that all just has me paranoid...not to mention in pain.
I am going to be 139 by Monday. I'm determined. The idea that I will actually see "13-anything" just blows my mind. I guess because even when I was so determined to get this weight off and get control back in the summer...I didn't actually believe I could do it because I never could before. Like I was aware that this was different than my previous attempts because mentally I was sooooooooooo determined, but still.
I think also I feel somewhat fake...like I post here about my food issues, but do I even have diet credibility when I weigh this much?? But now I'm zeroing in on a lower weight and before I know it I'll be underweight and then I'll have the right to speak about this all. = )
I hope if you're reading this you are happy and succeeding in your weight loss efforts. <3
Until next time...
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Take it all away...
I'm 144 today. I'm sticking to my 100 calories and it honestly hasn't been too hard. It usually isn't too hard unless I see that it's not getting me anywhere with the scale. I've had a horrible day. I just feel fatter everyday and I'm stressed.
Firebomb
I finally was able to weep a little bit tonight. I feel like I could cry for years, but I try to relieve some of this pressure and pain and I can't. Tonight I spoke to one of my closest friends for the last time ever(complicated) and it just hurt so much I literally was hyperventilating. I just had no option but to really end things officially, but after doing it I don't know why it had to be. I just want to be with him. I just want to tell him why i'm so sad. I just want to tell him how hard it's been without him and how much I miss him and that I'm just trying to preserve myself by avoiding him because I feel like he doesn't care as much as I do...and i just don't want to end up hurting worse later on by dragging this out.
I know the things I'm saying make no sense, but I just have to vent it out. You don't have to read it.
There's just too much pain right now. I seriously contemplated a suicide attempt for the first time in years. I just don't know how to feel better. I'm miserable.
I ate 100 calories today. I got my self control back I suppose. I'm 145. I hope I can be 140 by next Tuesday.
I sometimes feel like I do this not because I even want to be super thin, but because it's all I have....and it's all I have control over.
I know the things I'm saying make no sense, but I just have to vent it out. You don't have to read it.
There's just too much pain right now. I seriously contemplated a suicide attempt for the first time in years. I just don't know how to feel better. I'm miserable.
I ate 100 calories today. I got my self control back I suppose. I'm 145. I hope I can be 140 by next Tuesday.
I sometimes feel like I do this not because I even want to be super thin, but because it's all I have....and it's all I have control over.
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