Firebomb

I finally was able to weep a little bit tonight. I feel like I could cry for years, but I try to relieve some of this pressure and pain and I can't. Tonight I spoke to one of my closest friends for the last time ever(complicated) and it just hurt so much I literally was hyperventilating. I just had no option but to really end things officially, but after doing it I don't know why it had to be. I just want to be with him. I just want to tell him why i'm so sad. I just want to tell him how hard it's been without him and how much I miss him and that I'm just trying to preserve myself by avoiding him because I feel like he doesn't care as much as I do...and i just don't want to end up hurting worse later on by dragging this out.

I know the things I'm saying make no sense, but I just have to vent it out. You don't have to read it.

There's just too much pain right now. I seriously contemplated a suicide attempt for the first time in years. I just don't know how to feel better. I'm miserable.

I ate 100 calories today. I got my self control back I suppose. I'm 145. I hope I can be 140 by next Tuesday.

I sometimes feel like I do this not because I even want to be super thin, but because it's all I have....and it's all I have control over.