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Okay the reason my title is all tilde symbols is because thats how I feel....up and down and up and down. I'm so frustrated and confused and depressed and annoyed at this point.

I don't know myself anymore....I don't know whether I see reality in the mirror now days or if the reason things appear the way they do is because I wasn't seeing reality before. I feel like a house!!!!!! I'm 143 today. Shoot me. I can't believe how much I've backtracked from a few weeks ago when I was high on life and dropping weight so fast. I'm back on 100 calories now, but I'm not going to lie....it's not hard, but it's not exciting or invigorating either....It's like I'm so over this whole thing and having all my happiness depend on the scale. I've lose like 65lbs and yet I look in the mirror and I feel like I've gained. My clothes are huge on me and my "skinny" clothes don't even fit anymore, yet I feel this way so I don't know what to think.
I feel like no matter what I eat or how much I starve I'm never going to be enough to anyone. I've said before that my Mom knows full well that I only eat 100 calories most days...and she never acts phased. It doesn't bother anyone in my family that I'm starving. Do they love me? Do they want me to die?? Are they unphased because I never look phased by it?
I think this low point and this lack of motivation stems from the fact that I feel it's imposssible for me to ever truly be thin or pretty. It's like I'm unable to attain that level of greatness. I know why I feel that way....because in combination with my families lack of support....I also have to deal with all my co-workers shock that I could be wanting to lose more weight. It's as if they think this is all I could ever achieve.

I can't believe I have to hold on to this diet until Monday to hit 139 again. Forget about holding on until Monday because really I have to hold on until Christmas....The new goal is 135 and I haveeeeee to get there. I haveeeee to!
Yesterday I binged and purged. Because of the purging I didn't gain any weight, btu I didn't lose and weight either. I'm thinking about purging right now. I'm really tempted to go eat something actually. Why can't I do this anymore??? Why am I so unmotivated!!!! What has happened!





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