Quickie ; )

Okay so I'm in the midst of cramming for a final, but I can't resist the need to blog! So yesterday I hit 139 and therefore ate in order to bump back my metabolism. I'm not sure if eating for one day will really help, but I did eat around 1500 calories(95% vegetables and healthy foods). I'm not going to say I didn't feel guilty...I totally felt ugly and afraid to look in the mirror all day for fear that i would see I had become obese again. Anyways... I weigh like 141 today and I know that is primarily from the fact that there is still much of the food in my system. I'm dieting again today though. I just hateeeeee the fact that I have to metabolism bumping days. I love when I finally can eat a little something, but honestly the excitement about eating wanes after about 300 calories. Like after a week of 100 calories a day I get really weak and I'm really ready to eat something, but on my "food days" the thrill is drained so much quicker. I'm not explaining this well. Basically I feel more excitement and happiness for longer from my starvation rather than my eating. When I'm only eating 100 calories I feel powerful and strong and like progress is being made....and that my goals are in view....and that i will soon be beautiful. When I eat I just feel the happiness of that bite...that second...that taste...and then it's over and I'm sad and regretful.

Plus wakign up to 1 pound loss every morning is so exciting....omg it's so exciting. So basically I feel at peace with both worlds right now. I understand that I have to eat on my food days, but that doesn't mean to go nuts...it just means eat and eat consistently throughout the day. I think that is good training for when I want to maintain my weight(long ways away). But I also feel at peace with my 100 calorie days in that I really feel joy on them.

I mention this all because before when I was eating 100 calories it felt like if I ate I was going to lose all control, but I've finally come to a realization that I'm the one in control here. I know where I'm going with this thing and I know what I'm doing.... I have control of the food and it's not controlling me in either direction. That was a really exciting realization.

Time for a new mini goal! Okay so I'm making a stretch goal here, but if I'm 141 right now I'm just going to treat that like it's my actual weight and ignore the fact that it's likely 2 lbs of unmoved bowel movements. haha With that being said....I'm going to try and aim for a pound a day again....soooo I'll try to be 135 by next Monday?? I really feel like it won't happen, but I know I'm going to take all the steps to make it happen. = )

I hope yesterday was enough of a metabolism boost. :/


Until next time.....wish me luck on this final! yikes!