I know that sounds insane and it obviously has nothing to do with real weight loss, but I weigh myself around 50+ times a day and I weigh myself at least once or twice everytime I pee to see if I lose any water weight. lol I know I'm an idiot, but you know how it goes.
I weigh 142 today. I feel so disoriented. I'm definitely back in 100 calorie mode because I couldn't even bring myself to eat a pea. My mom made them for dinner and I was tempted to eat one of them just because I was soooooo hungry, but I know that's a slippery slope. If you say yes to one then next thing you now I'm on a binge. Besides that I'm on a dieting roll. I'm going to milk this 100 calorie streak for all it's worth. I can probably drop another 5 pounds before the weight comes to a halt or I lose will power...then I will eat 500 calories for a couple days and then resume. I don't want to get greedy, but I definitely think that not only will 130 be possible by Christmas, but that I may hit 129 by then. To even hit the 120's would be the best Christmas present ever.
I feel so disoriented today. I've been so starved on this 100 calorie thing that I literally CANNOT sleep. Like I just feel so exhausted, but I am unable to sleep more than a few hours. I've probably had 20 hours of sleep for this entire week. So last night I was sooooo depressed. I was stressing out about my lost friend. I just miss him already. I was contemplating the whole situation and wondering whether I did the right thing. Wondering if he is OK. Wondering if I hurt him more than he hurt me. Wondering if all the pressure he's under is making him as suicidal as I have been. Wondering if he even feels pressure. Wondering if he's mad at me. Wondering if he'll ever miss me and wondering if he meant it all the times he told me he loved me or wondering if that was all a part of his game. I finally managed to drift off after hours and hours of tossing and turning. I woke up like just over 3 hours later ....I was WIDE awake. So weird.
Well I went to the bathroom to weigh in as usual and I had one of those moments where it really hits me how thin I am. I just didn't even recognize the body in front of me. Don't get me wrong....I feel obese and there is such a long way to go, but you know how sometimes you catch yourself at the right angle and you feel like you know longer know that person in the mirror. I had that moment. I've struggled with eating for my entire life as I've said before, but despite my experiences with starvation and purging...I've never managed to get below 150. I am the thinnest I've ever been. I think this morning was the first time I've realized how I really am in this thing....whatever this thing is.
My family is starting to take me seriously. I think they are seeing that I actually am getting very thin and that I'm not showing any signs of slowing down.
One thing that's really been bothering(and scaring) me lately is my heart. It hurts soooooooooo bad and it pounds like it's taking everything it's got to keep going. I know I'm super anaemic....I know I'm starving...and I know I'm extremely stressed....so overall I'm just worried about what's going on there. The last way i want to die is by some freak heart attack. I know this sounds like I'm being over dramatic, but if you knew my health history you would understand. I just have a history of getting freak illnesses. If it's something random, weird, and unlikely.... I'll probably get it. So that all just has me paranoid...not to mention in pain.
I am going to be 139 by Monday. I'm determined. The idea that I will actually see "13-anything" just blows my mind. I guess because even when I was so determined to get this weight off and get control back in the summer...I didn't actually believe I could do it because I never could before. Like I was aware that this was different than my previous attempts because mentally I was sooooooooooo determined, but still.
I think also I feel somewhat fake...like I post here about my food issues, but do I even have diet credibility when I weigh this much?? But now I'm zeroing in on a lower weight and before I know it I'll be underweight and then I'll have the right to speak about this all. = )
I hope if you're reading this you are happy and succeeding in your weight loss efforts. <3
Until next time...
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