Refrain - Cady Groves ....this song (at least parts) is my song of the day.
I nearly broke down today. I think my friend at work knew I was about to cry. I don't know why I can't handle anything....I'm worried that I'm crazy now. Why was I so hard on that friend?? Did he really even do anything wrong? He never even got to explain his side to me...
Is this diet even that big of a deal?? I mean I'm not even near a low bmi! I don't know why I've fallen apart this semester in every way, but I can't take anything else. I just want to die...literally.
Well after all the stress of the day I came home and tried to talk to my Mom....I just need to let out some of this stress, but everything I shared with her was quickly shot down. With regard to my friend situation she responded - "He wasn't even that close of a friend?!" and gave me this confused/judgemental look. With regard to my diet she told me to eat something....
If I didn't want to kill myself already that conversation sealed the deal.
The other thing that annoys me is that she throws religion as a solution to everything. I believe in God and I am definitely a professing Christian, but she blames all my problems on not going to church enough or not being close to God. That kind of attitude is the last thing I need. It's like she won't actually hear me...she just wants to throw a blanket solution over the problem.
I know my issues with my friend relate to male trust issues I have which stem from a horrible relationship I have with my Dad. I also know that I need therapy in that department regardless of this friend. I honestly think the reason this all hurt so much is because I used him as a mask for all other failed relationships and problems. I just ignored everything else and invested everything into the instant gratification he provided. I just want to be over this so bad.
I think I am suffering from depression. Severe depression. I think it stems from this diet a lot, but I think there is an underlying sadness that I have ignored for years and I think it's just rearing it's head because the rawness of my current circumstances has unveiled there presence to me.
I wish I had someone I could talk to. I wish I had someone to confide in. Someone who would get it without judgement. I don't have the ability to call up any of my friends and discuss this sort of thing. I might be able to discuss things with the friend I'm visiting in a few weeks, but I feel like she would just lecture me(out of love) mostly.
I'm on track to hit 139 by tomorrow. btw I know I already blogged once for this day(it's technically tomorrow now), but I needed to vent.
I will say one thing more. When I started this diet I thought that all my problems stemmed from the fact that I was fat and therefore people didn't respect me or value me, but I'm starting to see that I had just as many and MORE friends at that time then I do now. I didn't love myself at that weight and I don't love myself now. The number on the scale will never really change that. I've got to learn to love myself as I am ...regardless of my size or weight. This is not to say that I plan on stopping dieting(never!)....I don't know any other way to live, but I've got to make loving myself a priority in my day. I've got to stop looking in the mirror and seeing the flaws first and only. I've got to stop comparing myself to every girl I see. I've got to stop thinking everyone is looking at me and thinking only of my weight.
The people I'm friends with now loved me when i was really fat....so why wouldn't I be able to make friends and maintain those same relationships when I'm thinner.
Okay...I'm really done now. = \
I'll see you at 139 for real this time.
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