This is ridiculous

I've been trying to write something for over an hour and I just don't know what to say. I'm still sticking to the diet. I ate around 230 calories today. I weighed in at 155 this morning. Tonight I weighed myself when I got in from work and I was 156. I'm not going to the bathroom! I'm very bloated... i can see it and feel it. On top of that - my hormones are all out of whack so Im very positive I'm retaining water. Also In the last two days I broke out like crazy. I literally have not had over 15 grams of sugar in like 5 weeks. And thats being generous because in the last two weeks I'm averaging 2 grams of sugar a day. I took a laxative tonight and I just hope things are better on the scale in the morning. I was reading some old posts yesterday and I had no idea how many laxatives I used to take! I literally took 25 one night!! Like WTH! Was I trying to kill myself? I think if I can just focus on flushing out my system this over the next couple days then I should definitely be 149 by Sunday because I haven't wavered. I feel like I can stay rock solid on this diet till at least the end of the month. I'm just hoping that if I can stick this out to the end of the month that I can have one big cheat day and then restart. If I lose around a pound a day till October 1st- that will put me right at 139lbs. I think it would be safe to have a cheat day at that weight. That would be a real accomplishment because I haven't been in the 130's for exactly 2yrs as of this fall. I'm going to win this guys.... I really feel it and I really believe it. I have all the tools and the motivation is here. See you at 153.

Low in the Worst Way

Today was not a great day. I weighed in at 154 - which is great. A coworker also told me I looked really skinny - without knowing about my diet - also good. But whenever I start starving like this, it's not long before I'm pretty depressed. I just feel mentally and physically exhausted. Getting up the stairs today felt like too much. I just neeeed to get the next 14lbs off and then I can be more reasonable. I know this means at least a month more of 200 calorie days. I managed to stay at 200 calories again today ... I think I'm satisfied right now hunger wise. I mean if you told me I could eat a pizza with no consequence right now - I would Hoover it, but all things considered I actually enjoy my "safe" foods. I was just discouraged because when I got home tonight I weighed myself and my stomach looked bloated. I weighed in at 155. I obviously know that's not true considering I hadn't eaten in over 12 hrs at this time, but it's just annoying. I neeeed scale validation. When you starving yourself, feeling faint all day, and weak AF... You need something to keep you going. I mean my hands were blue today. I'm sure from decreased blow flow due to starvation. I better see 153 tomorrow but I fear that I won't. Clearly I'm holding some water weight and need to shift some things. Worst of all my face is really broken out and idk why. It's surely not from carbs and sugar. I'm just going to pray I see some progress in the morning. Night.

Going Down

Today was a success. I managed to eat only 204 calories and if I include my light exercise today than I netted out at around 40 calories. Work has been kind of stressful here lately and I find myself staying really late, but thats kind of worked to my advantage on the diet front. When I'm at work I'm less focused on eating and I'm busy so I don't notice the hunger. Case in point, yesterday I left work on time and when I got home I felt sooooooo hungry. I ended up eating just under 500 calories for the day. Which isn't terrible, but way more than I normally eat. I can guarantee that I wasn't tally any more hungry than normal... I just wasn't distracted and therefore I noticed the hunger. I ended up eating three bags of Miracle Rice last night. If you struggle with dieting or an ED... you need to know about Miracle Rice and Miracle Noodles. It's just variation of Skirataki noodles. They are made from some kind of yam flour I believe. They are not a gimmick "low calorie", but filled with chemicals kind of deal - they actually are quite healthy and natural. The great thing about them is that most variations have ZERO calories while others have 15 at most. The Miracle Rice brand I get has zero calories and 1 carb in the entire bag. Like I was saying - I ate three bags last night. In total it amounted to just over 100 calories with the sauce I put on...crazy right?! So it didn't hurt my weight loss goals, but it did leave me rather full. The only downside of that is that by this morning - all those "noodles" were still there. So I weighed in at 156. I knew I wasn't really 156, but I also knew I needed to shift some water weight and finally have bowel movement for the first time in a while. Luckily I was able to empt out my system do to not eating all day and when I got home from work I was 154. A new milestone! It's hard to believe that I'm celebrating 154 when a couple years ago I prided myself in the fact that I hadn't been over 149 in years and would never get there again. But a victory is a victory. I didn't really have a scale that first week of the diet so I can never really know where I started, but if I go from the first number i saw on the scale(166 lbs) then I'm 12 lbs down. My coworkers are starting to notice I look different even though I know they can't tell why I look different yet. Its so funny too because I had literally just written on here the day before saying it had been so long since anyone complimented me and the next day I get two compliments. My manager said my lipstick was really pretty - I wear the same lipstick almost everyday. I think she just noticed I looked nice and couldn't place exactly why. Later that afternoon my coworkers said my hair looked really good - now this HAD to be weight related because I just had it in the SAME messy bun I wear EVERYYYYYY DAY. lol But seriously, my hair is always in a messy bun. I think it's just that my face is thinner now and therefore the bun looks better. I'm still shooting to see 149lbs on Sunday. It's a real stretch and I have no idea if I can do it, but it would be awesome going into the next week at a new milestone. Just wish me luck.

Cheating

Today was much harder than I anticipated. Today is also the reason I've been avoiding getting my calories too low. As you know I've been eating between 200-300 calories a day this week. Well I feel nervous that this is going to backfire if I'm not careful because today I ate really close to ordering food. I really have to blame the convenience of food delivery for my weight gain. I feel like if i was in a restaurant I would never order the amount of food I was eating on a regular basis this past summer. It just became really easy to not leave my apartment on the weekends and order multiple HIGH calorie meals all weekend and gorge myself. I was doing it almost every weekend. First of all, it was starting to get way too expensive and my credit card bill was getting ridiculous. Second, I had zero accountability - no one could see me eating that and therefore it was like my secret sin. I would order a burger, fries, onion rings, and cheesecake and just hide in my apartment eating to comfort myself. It felt like when someone brought me food that someone was taking care of me or I was safe. It was comforting. But ultimately - its ruined me. Anyways today I just found myself really wanting to order a burger and fries and cheesecake. I started googling extensively about what this might do to my ketosis and how much weight I might gain from a cheat day. But then I started to think about things like my skin. My skin has been flawless the past three weeks. Like literally almost powerless. I know its from the combination of starving and not eating carbs. Also, idk if it's the ketosis or it's the fact that I've shrunk my stomach, but I'm not super hungry despite how little I'm eating. I know they say thats a side effect of ketosis. Thankfully, thinking through all of the potential consequences and the fact that this one weight calculator says i'm still "marginally over weight," I decided I better not and thought of an alternative I could eat to satiate the desire. I weighed in at exactly 155 today. I tried to see if I could pee out a couple ounces to get into the 154 range, but it wasn't happening. I'm really swollen too today which I think has something to do with things. So far today I've eaten 200 calories. I need to go out and exercise a bit and hopefully I can erase my intake for the day. I realllllllyyyy need to be in the 140's by next weekend. If I can be 149 by next sunday that would be amazing. I have to wear certain outfits on the 19-21st of this month and I'm really worried about them not fitting. Thats another reason I really felt like I couldn't afford a set back. I feel like they will fit if I get to the upper 140's. My goal is that hopefully I can be 140 or in the upper 130's by early October. This will put me in an excellent position for when my friend visits. Also, I just can't wait to see how my coworkers react to me being thin. They've never seen me super thin. I've always been chunky since I started - always in the high 140's. I really start to look good in the 130's. I tried on that size four mini skirt on Friday and I could get it up and button it finally but it was tighttttttttttt. Like TIGHT. Definitely not suitable for public unless i wanted to be arrested for public indecency. That thing used to hang off me. It was sooooooo loose.

Above is an image of me at one of my thinnest weights. This is what I want to be again. I was tiny and I had no worries about how should dress everyday. Everything looked good on me. People were constantly telling me how good I looked. Do you know how long it's been since I've been called pretty or hot or skinny. I know no one at work believes i'm going to succeed at this diet because I was on a major diet before and I failed. I have to do it this time or I'm a fraud. Here's to being thing again.

155

Tbh I haven't even reviews my last post to see where I left you all. I know it has been a couple weeks since I journaled and I know what wasn't making any progress when I last wrote. This diet has been superrrrrr annoying but I'm finally seeing some results. I also think the fact that I've been able to stay on it so long is really good. I think this is the longest I've been on a diet in years. I think when I last left you I was on Atkins but I had just decided to stop following it exactly. Instead I wanted to do low carb and low calorie and stress less about my carbs a little bit.so I started eating around 600-700 calories a day on average. I still wasn't losing hardly anything! Finally this week I dropped my calories down to around 200 a day and tried doing a lot of walking. I've dropped weight so quickly. I'm finally down 11 lbs. Actually i think I will definitely hit 154 tomorrow. I can't wait to be back in the 140's. That's not a bad range at all. I've spent a lot of time in the 140's. The 130's though is when I start to feel realllllly good about myself and look really thin. 120's is perfection. Anyways I just have to make sure I feel okay and I'm not being tooooo extreme because the worst thing I could do would be to push to hard and get burnt out and give up. That's what I did this past spring. Anyways - I'm working today with a supermodel. Maybe seeing her will give me some thinsporation. See you at 154.

Moving On

Things have been looking up. I’m currently 161 and should be 160 by tomorrow the way things seem to be moving. I’ve decided that losing 3lbs a week is the way to go. I don’t want to feel like I’m dying every day. And really it’s just not possible given my current work load etc. Also I feel like even when I was doing 100 calories and “losing” 1lb a day… It wasn’t even truly 1lb a day. It was more like 5lbs a week because there were always slow times or delays for whatever bodily reason. I feel like 3lbs is the best way to ensure I’m actually losing fat and not all my muscle. Also, I think I mentioned this last time but I quit atkins. Technically I’m still doing only around 30 carbs a day and I have significantly reduced my calories to around 500-700 from 1100-1200 I was doing on atkins. Honestly, I think this has been far more effective because I quickly dropped 2 pounds as soon as I switched off more calories. I’m started to really notice the weight loss too. I know that sounds stupid seeing as I’ve only lost around 5- 7 pounds, but my stomach is much flatter and I feel like I’m started to be able to see some resemblance to my old figure. I can’t imagine how I will feel once I get back in the 140’s. I can’t wait to be able to put on that infamous miniskirt I used to wear everywhere. I found a video of me this week that was really surprising. It’s of me in the summer of 2014 wearing a tank top and these itty bitty Hollister shorts. I was sooo thin. Literally like a rail. I know I was around 125ish there. I can’t wait to be there again. Actually I’ve been thinking about how I want to dress once I get my figure back. I can’t wait to wear oversized turtleneck sweaters and tight little hot pants. I feel like that is the quintessential waif outfit. And boots that emphasize your thin leg. I’ve created a weight loss calculator. If I stick to losing 3lbs a week than I will be 128lbs by the time I go to this big holiday party around Halloween. Additionally, I was panicking last week because I thought my friend that knows me at my thinnest was coming to visit in a few weeks. I was so panicked about slimming down extremely fast in order to look “more normal” when he came. Last night he informed me that’s he’s not coming till October. That gives me a little over a month to drop some weight. I should be able to lose just under 20lbs in that time…. More if I really start working out. If I could hit the high 130’s by the time he comes I will look pretty decent…. Not my thinnest, but normal. I should be able to fit into all my clothes at that weight too…. Well the majority anyway. Just for good record keeping sake – Below is what I’ve been typically eating: Breakfast: Low carb wrap – 60cal Vegan hotdog – 50 Greek yogurt ranch – 25 Total:135 Lunch: Two boiled eggs – 120 Dinner: Breakfast x2 - 240 Or Steamed broccoli with Greek Yogurt Ranch or Low fat guac - 150

It's worse than I thought...

Hello, So I apologize for not updating the past few days. I tend to update this at work and it's been a little busier than usual this past week. Also, I found out some really discouraging news and I was really depressed about that. So.. I think I said previously that I was around 160lbs. Apparently I'm so far gone these days that I can't even eyeball my own weight anymore(something I could previously do to the pound). I mentioned before that I needed batteries for my scale. Well one day this past week I got so impatient on waiting for the batteries that I bought one on my way home from work. When I put it in my scale was still not showing all the numbers. I could only see the bottom half of the last two numbers and from what I could tell it looked like it was reading 66.... meaning I possibly weighed 166lbs. I was panicked.... I started trying o rationalize. The scale was obviously still messed up so maybe it wasn't even calculating the number correctly. Surely I wasn't 166lbs.... I mean theres no way. Like my clothes aren't that tight right? How could I gain 10lbs in a month anyways. How could that be possible. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I mean this number is as fat as I was in my freshman year of college. HOW COULD I DO THIS??? I immediately went online and purchased a scale. In the following days I continued to step on the scale to see if it was really messed up or what. Later it started showing that last two FULL numbers instead of the bottom half. It said 65.4. Omg... I started to wonder if maybe this thing was right. Still, how could this be. I mean I know I wasn't eating great and there had been quite a few mines in recent weeks, but still. HOW COULD THAT BE RIGHT? The next two days I must have stepped on that thing at least 15 times. It started reading all numbers. 165.4 ...165.4... 165.4...165.4 ....165.4.... 165.4 ....165.4. I wanted to die. Even if this was right... I'd still been on adkins induction for 4-5 days at this point. Surely I'd lost more weight than the original 166? Like if this was true... How do you only lose 1 pound in an entire week of carb deprivation. Well yesterday the morning the new scale came. I opened the box first thing that morning. Stepped on the scale and it said 164. I was crushed. The first scale had to be generally right because now two scales were telling me pretty much the same thing. Interestedly enough... I stepped on the new scale at least 20 times yesterday and at least 20% of the time it read 157. In my mind 157 seems to make more sense with what i felt I looked like and based on my clothes but still.... I couldn't ignore the fact that 80% of the time it read 164. Tis morning i weighted myself and I was 163. I stepped on the scale an hour later and once again 157. I have to assume at this point that I truly am in the 160's or this scale is just horribly wicked. In any case I've just had to resolve myself that these are my circumstances and this must be my jumping off point. I will say though that it is pretty disheartening to realize I've only lost 3lbs then in the course of this week. Thats petty compared to what i normally do during the first week of a major diet. I feel like I've been so strict too. Like what else could I have done any better. I'm sticking to my carb limit. I'm trying to make the bulk of my carbs vegetables. It just makes me wonder if I shouldn't give this up for my starvation diet. I just worry now that if I switch off of this now that I will suddenly balloon because that tends to happen when you quit a low carb diet. I feel that I have to at least stick to this till I'm in the 140's and then I can re-strategize. I feel pretty terrible on this diet too.... which makes it even more frustrating that I've done all of this for 3 measly pounds. On Thursday night I actually fainted. I've never fainted before even with all the crazyyyyy extreme diets I've done in my life like 100 calories or less a day... i've still never fainted. I'm just generally feeling super weak and fatigued. People say this goes away within two weeks so I'm hoping thats the case. My parents come in 10 days. I have to lose at least 10 more pounds before they come. I feel the only way to really kick this into high gear is to work out, but given my fainting episode I'm kind of scared to try. It's hard to walk around let alone run. I just know that when I do cardio on low carb.... the weight has melted off. I don't know what to do... I just can't believe this weight is my reality right now.... i can't believe I have been blind to my obesity. I can't believe I've allowed myself to be seen in public like this. I can't believe this is the only impression some people have of me. Till tomorrow.