Cheating

Today was much harder than I anticipated. Today is also the reason I've been avoiding getting my calories too low. As you know I've been eating between 200-300 calories a day this week. Well I feel nervous that this is going to backfire if I'm not careful because today I ate really close to ordering food. I really have to blame the convenience of food delivery for my weight gain. I feel like if i was in a restaurant I would never order the amount of food I was eating on a regular basis this past summer. It just became really easy to not leave my apartment on the weekends and order multiple HIGH calorie meals all weekend and gorge myself. I was doing it almost every weekend. First of all, it was starting to get way too expensive and my credit card bill was getting ridiculous. Second, I had zero accountability - no one could see me eating that and therefore it was like my secret sin. I would order a burger, fries, onion rings, and cheesecake and just hide in my apartment eating to comfort myself. It felt like when someone brought me food that someone was taking care of me or I was safe. It was comforting. But ultimately - its ruined me. Anyways today I just found myself really wanting to order a burger and fries and cheesecake. I started googling extensively about what this might do to my ketosis and how much weight I might gain from a cheat day. But then I started to think about things like my skin. My skin has been flawless the past three weeks. Like literally almost powerless. I know its from the combination of starving and not eating carbs. Also, idk if it's the ketosis or it's the fact that I've shrunk my stomach, but I'm not super hungry despite how little I'm eating. I know they say thats a side effect of ketosis. Thankfully, thinking through all of the potential consequences and the fact that this one weight calculator says i'm still "marginally over weight," I decided I better not and thought of an alternative I could eat to satiate the desire. I weighed in at exactly 155 today. I tried to see if I could pee out a couple ounces to get into the 154 range, but it wasn't happening. I'm really swollen too today which I think has something to do with things. So far today I've eaten 200 calories. I need to go out and exercise a bit and hopefully I can erase my intake for the day. I realllllllyyyy need to be in the 140's by next weekend. If I can be 149 by next sunday that would be amazing. I have to wear certain outfits on the 19-21st of this month and I'm really worried about them not fitting. Thats another reason I really felt like I couldn't afford a set back. I feel like they will fit if I get to the upper 140's. My goal is that hopefully I can be 140 or in the upper 130's by early October. This will put me in an excellent position for when my friend visits. Also, I just can't wait to see how my coworkers react to me being thin. They've never seen me super thin. I've always been chunky since I started - always in the high 140's. I really start to look good in the 130's. I tried on that size four mini skirt on Friday and I could get it up and button it finally but it was tighttttttttttt. Like TIGHT. Definitely not suitable for public unless i wanted to be arrested for public indecency. That thing used to hang off me. It was sooooooo loose.

Above is an image of me at one of my thinnest weights. This is what I want to be again. I was tiny and I had no worries about how should dress everyday. Everything looked good on me. People were constantly telling me how good I looked. Do you know how long it's been since I've been called pretty or hot or skinny. I know no one at work believes i'm going to succeed at this diet because I was on a major diet before and I failed. I have to do it this time or I'm a fraud. Here's to being thing again.