Pizza

Last week was a really hard week at work and on my diet. I was doing more physical labor for work so that was challenging and on top of that I was working out of town with limited food options. I went off diet slightly throughout the week, but I figured that was okay due to the increased activity. I was trying to use laxatives, but they weren’t really working that well. I continued to hover around 152, but I was getting so frustrated. I wanted to cheat soooo bad. I seriously considered cheating on Friday when my entire office had a pizza party. That’s all I’ve been wanting too – pizza. It’s literally been consuming my every thought. Well Saturday cam and the weekends seem to be hard because there’s zero accountability and there’s nothing pressing for me to do to take food off my mind. After many hours of debating to cheat or not cheat… I cheated. I decided to compromise and postmate the low carb cheesecake from cheesecake factory, but after I got it I realized they accidentally gave me ice cream too…. NOT low carb. I ate it and its like I couldn’t stop. I then ordered a small cheese pizza from Papa Johns and devoured the entire thing. I continued eating other things I had in the house that WERE low carb/low calorie throughout the rest of the evening but in excess. I ended up consuming 2,500 calories. I weighed in that night at 154. The next day wans’t much better. Yes, I generally stuck to my diet and didn’t order out, but I ate wayyyy more than I should of an ended up having a 1,200 calorie day. I haven’t been able to use the bathroom properly since and therefore I’m 157 as of last night, but I have a feeling that really all bloat, bowels, and water weight from the carbs. Yesterday I ate around 550 calories and exercised about 270 calories off. I feel like I’m spiraling. It’s weird because the way I feel today is so telling of where I am ED wise. Back in the spring when I was dieting hardcore I didn’t feel too ashamed of my eating when I gave up the diet, but this time around it’s different. And wouldn’t you know today of all days my department decides to take a group photo. It was actually this phot that drove me to write this post. It was my wake-up call that I cannot give this up. I’m around 12-13lbs from a real milestone moment and I know I can do this. I just have to stay on top of this diet and fully commit to winning this battle. I know once I hit the 140’s I will have new motivation and new hope. I can do this. I just have to remember to stay focused and leave this weekend in the past where it belongs. I have to up my game. I will commit to not eating after 5pm. I will commit to walking at least 3 miles a day. I will commit to getting up each morning and doing my mat exercises. I have 28 days to get to 140. I had hoped to be in the 130’s by Halloween and maybe that’s still a possibility, but at the very least I have to be 140 by the time I go home to see my family. I have to show everyone I’m not a total loser and I do have self-control. This weekend was a slip up, but maybe I needed it to get re-focused.