Well, Well, Well

The title comes from Duffy haha She's really grown on me.

Anyways I'm 141 today. So I am doing much better than what was even expected. I'm probably going to be 140 tomorrow and 139 on Tuesday so everything is going according to schedule!

I will admit that even tough I am sticking to the diet and most of my focus has been regained...I'm still struggling a little. Like for example there are cookies downstairs and I was soooooo tempted to eat them(It's not even a part of my vegan diet!) ...I obviously didn't, but a few weeks ago it wouldn't have even crossed my mind to eat them. I knew I wanted skinny more than anything else.

Also I'm not even sure I can see myself ever gettign super skinny. I'm obviously going to keep dieting and keep eating right(aka not eating lol) but it's like the idea that I will ever be 115 seems nearly impossible. It's only 25 pounds away and when you've lost 65 that should seem like a breeze, but somehow it doesn't.

I think what overwhelms me is that I set unrealistic goals so much and then feel really let down when I don't meet them. It's not even that I think I can lose 20 pounds in a month, but if I say I am or that I want to...when I fail...I just feel as if I made no progress even if I lost 7 pounds or something like that.
I won't be 115 until the beginning of March at the earliest. I need to accept that and just do my best everyday.

well regardless of anything else i'm going to starve down to 130 and hopefully when school starts back I'll be entering the 120's and from there I think I'm going to start eating 500 calories a day. By that time I'll be a nice weight(at least a "nicer" weight) and i won't feel as much pressure to be extreme.

Anyways....until tomorrow!

Let's not do that again

Okay so ever since probably 2 weeks ago when I hit 139 I have been STRUGGLING to do 100 calories. I don't know why, but like all my will power and motivation was zapped. Like literally I began to wonder if I was going to ever be skinny or if I was about to balloon up. It's like I was binging left and right and I couldn't stop! I was purging a lot and overall I was at a weight stand still, but THANKFULLY last night I just told myself no more and I really felt the will power come back to me. So today I ate 100 calories and omg am I ever happy I was able to harness my will power again. I am finally back in a state of mind where being skinny is my focus.

Now I'm not gonna lie....that whole episode really shook my confidence. I thought I was invincible when it came to will power, but I faltered ....I faltered and it took me two weeks to come back. Now I will say I had quite a few dieting days in between that 2 week period and very few days consisted of more than 1200 calories, but it's the fact I kept trying to eat only 100 calories and I kept NOT being able to. That's just not been a real issue in the past. Like I've maybe had an extra 50-100 calories, but never struggled to not binge. Anyways the damage is that I'm 143. The good news is that I always drop the first few pounds VERY quickly when I start up my 100 calorie diet. So I might weigh 142 tomorrow, but if I'm lucky I'll weigh 141. By Monday I may weigh 139. I'd be so happy if I could be, but that's a stretch. I'm going to do this 100 calories though until Christmas. I'll eat whatever I want on Christmas and then I'll do 100 calories until the 28th when I visit my friend. I don't know how I'll eat when I visit her. I'll probably do around 500-600 calories a day to avoid suspicion. When I get back from that visit I'll have like 2 weeks until school starts. If I could be 130 by the time I come back from my trip to see her I MIGHTTTTT be able to get to 120 by the beginning of school. That would be so nice if I could at least be 125 by the time school starts back(the 14th).

I know everytime I get to a new set of "ten's" I say this, but it's really true this time. Once I get well within the 130's/the lower 130's everything else will be gravy. Everything else will be perfecting and just adding to the basics. The ideal weight for my body is supposedly 140 so that's why i think once I'm in the 130's I'll be above and beyond good or average.

Well I'm going to keep my focus and keep on chugging away!
I hope anyone reading this is meeting all their goals = )

~~~~~~~~~

Okay the reason my title is all tilde symbols is because thats how I feel....up and down and up and down. I'm so frustrated and confused and depressed and annoyed at this point.

I don't know myself anymore....I don't know whether I see reality in the mirror now days or if the reason things appear the way they do is because I wasn't seeing reality before. I feel like a house!!!!!! I'm 143 today. Shoot me. I can't believe how much I've backtracked from a few weeks ago when I was high on life and dropping weight so fast. I'm back on 100 calories now, but I'm not going to lie....it's not hard, but it's not exciting or invigorating either....It's like I'm so over this whole thing and having all my happiness depend on the scale. I've lose like 65lbs and yet I look in the mirror and I feel like I've gained. My clothes are huge on me and my "skinny" clothes don't even fit anymore, yet I feel this way so I don't know what to think.
I feel like no matter what I eat or how much I starve I'm never going to be enough to anyone. I've said before that my Mom knows full well that I only eat 100 calories most days...and she never acts phased. It doesn't bother anyone in my family that I'm starving. Do they love me? Do they want me to die?? Are they unphased because I never look phased by it?
I think this low point and this lack of motivation stems from the fact that I feel it's imposssible for me to ever truly be thin or pretty. It's like I'm unable to attain that level of greatness. I know why I feel that way....because in combination with my families lack of support....I also have to deal with all my co-workers shock that I could be wanting to lose more weight. It's as if they think this is all I could ever achieve.

I can't believe I have to hold on to this diet until Monday to hit 139 again. Forget about holding on until Monday because really I have to hold on until Christmas....The new goal is 135 and I haveeeeee to get there. I haveeeee to!
Yesterday I binged and purged. Because of the purging I didn't gain any weight, btu I didn't lose and weight either. I'm thinking about purging right now. I'm really tempted to go eat something actually. Why can't I do this anymore??? Why am I so unmotivated!!!! What has happened!





......

Frustrating

Now days my thinspo is much different, but back in the day I remember watching that video over and over again wishing I could look like Britney and be that thin. Don't get me wrong ...she is still some major thinspo for me, but mainly because of how I viewed her as a kid/teen. I find myself drawn towards waif like figures rather than athletic, toned builds.

Well I haven't posted alot recently and any time that happens just know that it's because I'm binging. haha It's not funny but I just have to laugh at my own patheticness.

I'm 144 today from all the eating I've done the past couple days. Oh well...I think I'll hit 143/142 tomorrow. I ate 100 calories today and I'm really glad it wasn't too hard. It's so dumb because I can do this diet so easy when i just try at all. I'm so mad at myself for falling off the band wagon and basically screwing myself up. I won't be able to hit 130 by Christmas now I'm sure. I can probably hit 133 at best. That's pathetic, but I've got to look at the big picture.....I hope by my Birthday(March 2nd) I can finally be 115 or somewhere near where I want to ultimately be. As long as I eat 100 calories nothing can go wrong...it's just when I start the eating that I screw myself up. I'm on a 100 calorie a day fast until Christmas day. I will eat what I want on Christmas and then I have to diet for a couple days before I leave to see my friend! Yay! Maybe I can be 130 for that trip?? Idk....I'd like to see the 120's by the end of the year, but I doubt that will happen.

I've got alot of time to diet over the next few weeks on break so I need to make the most of it and that means exercising alot too! I've got to start working out. Oh well....I guess that's all I've got for now. I promise I'll do better!

The next time I hit 139 I'll post a pic of myself....= )Until next time!

Scandalous

I'm tired of feeling guilty for eating a morsel....a literal morsel...thats where the title "Scandalous" comes from
So I know I posted pics earlier but I wanted to do a real blog for the day. Basically today has been very average as far as my diet goes. I ate:

Toast: 100
Vegan link: 45
Broccoli bites: 10

= 155

:/

I wish I hadn't done the link, but I was so hungry. I'm 140 today and I'm assuming I'll hit 139 by tomorrow and then maybe I can make some major headway this week.
I know I had made that crazy goal of 135 by this Monday, but I can definitely see that happening by....hmmm let me think. I guess I could get there by Wednesday if I diet perfectly, but in all likelihood I'll get there by next Friday. That will give me just over a week to drop 5lbs to 130 by Christmas. I'm actually getting really nervous that I won't hit this in time. I'm going to have to kick this diet into overdrive by reallllly getting in some workouts. I'm going to have to work at keeping my metabolism up in order to drop about a pound a day.

Anyways that's where I am...I can't believe how far I have to go before I hit 130....hmmm usually at the end of blog posts I feel motivated and empowered, but writing this out made me realize how hard this is going to be.

Pics

I'm really afraid to share pictures on here because 1. I know I'm not the weight I want to be therefore I'm really self conscious of my appearance and 2. I'm embarassed to face the reality of the old pics, but I know when I read about other people having a bad binge day I feel good knowing that I'm not the only one who has struggled or been down....and I hope that these pics are like that for whoever see them. I hope it makes you feel better about yourself if you're thinner, not so bad about yourself if you're the same, and inspired that anything is possible if you're bigger! = )

Oh gosh if you only knew the anxiety I feel about sharing these.....

The before pic is is from early January and the after is from like a week ago. Theres about 65 pounds difference and I know I should have edited out the crap around me, but oh well...I'm messy.




The reason the second one is yellow is because I took it with my webcam which hadn't adjusted to the light yet....oh well

So there you have it. I hope I'm not a let down or too disgusting.

Only the Strong Survive

Okay so I dieted! I would actually say that do to a few bites of salsa(plain...i know thats weird haha) I actually had 150 calories today, but anything 150 and under is considered a success for me. = )

I'm guessing I'm going to be 142 or maybeeeeee 141 tomorrow based on my current weigh in standings.

I guess I can be 139 by Monday again but this time I'm not quitting for a binge day. I'm actually thinking should the situation arise where I need a breather that I might bump up to 300 calories that day and then resume the next, BUTTTT that would only happen after 138....because I've got to make some progress. This set back is really annoying but expected. I will say though that I feel good knowing that I did hit 139 a few days ago so I definitely can again if I set my mind to it. = )

I have a little but more school to do, but for the most part I'm freeeeeee and I have plenty of time to focus on starving haha

Until next time!