Pizza

Last week was a really hard week at work and on my diet. I was doing more physical labor for work so that was challenging and on top of that I was working out of town with limited food options. I went off diet slightly throughout the week, but I figured that was okay due to the increased activity. I was trying to use laxatives, but they weren’t really working that well. I continued to hover around 152, but I was getting so frustrated. I wanted to cheat soooo bad. I seriously considered cheating on Friday when my entire office had a pizza party. That’s all I’ve been wanting too – pizza. It’s literally been consuming my every thought. Well Saturday cam and the weekends seem to be hard because there’s zero accountability and there’s nothing pressing for me to do to take food off my mind. After many hours of debating to cheat or not cheat… I cheated. I decided to compromise and postmate the low carb cheesecake from cheesecake factory, but after I got it I realized they accidentally gave me ice cream too…. NOT low carb. I ate it and its like I couldn’t stop. I then ordered a small cheese pizza from Papa Johns and devoured the entire thing. I continued eating other things I had in the house that WERE low carb/low calorie throughout the rest of the evening but in excess. I ended up consuming 2,500 calories. I weighed in that night at 154. The next day wans’t much better. Yes, I generally stuck to my diet and didn’t order out, but I ate wayyyy more than I should of an ended up having a 1,200 calorie day. I haven’t been able to use the bathroom properly since and therefore I’m 157 as of last night, but I have a feeling that really all bloat, bowels, and water weight from the carbs. Yesterday I ate around 550 calories and exercised about 270 calories off. I feel like I’m spiraling. It’s weird because the way I feel today is so telling of where I am ED wise. Back in the spring when I was dieting hardcore I didn’t feel too ashamed of my eating when I gave up the diet, but this time around it’s different. And wouldn’t you know today of all days my department decides to take a group photo. It was actually this phot that drove me to write this post. It was my wake-up call that I cannot give this up. I’m around 12-13lbs from a real milestone moment and I know I can do this. I just have to stay on top of this diet and fully commit to winning this battle. I know once I hit the 140’s I will have new motivation and new hope. I can do this. I just have to remember to stay focused and leave this weekend in the past where it belongs. I have to up my game. I will commit to not eating after 5pm. I will commit to walking at least 3 miles a day. I will commit to getting up each morning and doing my mat exercises. I have 28 days to get to 140. I had hoped to be in the 130’s by Halloween and maybe that’s still a possibility, but at the very least I have to be 140 by the time I go home to see my family. I have to show everyone I’m not a total loser and I do have self-control. This weekend was a slip up, but maybe I needed it to get re-focused.

Binging

So Im not sure you can technically call this a binge since it was around 600 calories, but I went nuts today. I will say I burned 100 calories through exercise so I guess I could say I netted at 500 cal. I ate: 3 veggie dogs: 150 cal Three wraps: 180 cal Yogurt ranch: 60 cal 5 Jellos: 55 Miracle Rice - 2 packs: 0 cal Black Bean Dip: 40 cal Goat Cheese: 50 cal Fat Free Reddiwhip: 70 cal(guessing generously) I was just bored, depressed, and honestly hungry. I just feel like I need an extra large pizza and I need to eat the entire thing. My period is about to start and I think the cravings have to do with it I will say watching mukbangs helped a little bit. But I just reallllllly want pizza. The weekends have been the hardest any ways because I'm alone, sad, and bored. Anyways - tomorrow I'll be back to 200 calories tomorrow.

Remembering the Past

I wanted to add some more motivational pics from two years ago. I was trying dresses for my sisters wedding. I could never just casually take a picture like that now. I want even my thinnest here. I was like 130.

Steady as She Goes

So I'm 152 today. I'm really shocked that I haven't hit 151... or even 150. Im sticking to my diet - and actually the only real difference between my dieting now and in 2010 is that Im watching my carbs too. So if anything I should be losing faster. Whatever - weight loss is weight loss. I will say last fall I was about 147ish on the regular. I was watching what I ate more and my diet was very regular. The thing is I had a lot of clothes that I wore for work that I really liked and I used to think I was really pretty in them. Unfortunately since Ive been gaining and gaining I stopped being able to wear them. I tried to put them on yesterday and they fit! I was pushing to fit into them by Monday because I have a three day assignment for work that will require me to wear those outfits so Im relieved about that. I've been trying to plan when I will start to alter the diet - as in add in more calories or relax a bit. I don't really know whats best. I know I won't feel 100% comfortable doing it until I hit my goal weight, but given that the likelihood of me being at goal is a month or two away and I can't sustain this limited diet that long - I need to be calculated. I am hoping that I can be 145 by the end of the month. That gives me 12 days to lose 7lbs. Which I think is totally doable. Also October is the month my friend is visiting so I think if I plan to be 145 by EOM then I can be 140 easily by the time he actually arrives in mid October. I think I will give myself a huge cheat meal on October 1st. It's a Saturday and I think if I can hit maybe 144 by the I will be safe of my cheat meal not taking me out of the 140's. Thats really all I'm concerned about. This cheat can't put me back where I am now. I don't know if I can cheat though. It will be pushing on two months at that point and it gets harder to let go the longer you're in this. All I know is I thought long and hard about ordering a large extra cheese pizza last night and I just knew I couldn't because I wouldn't fit in anything and also with my hair being so short I can afford to have a bloated carb face. All I know is I have got to find a constructive planned cheat or I will break entirely and I can't do that either. I found an old picture in my blog that I posted in October 2010. I was like 139 in the photo. I looked so thin! It was awesome! I need to find all my old pictures and hang them around this apartment. That would provide some good motivation. Btw despite my recent use of laxatives... I still look bloated. I think its a combination of pre-period bloat and that miracle rice. I should be starting my period in the next couple days and I know you're always heaviest right before your period so I wonder if that has anything to do with it. Anyways Im off to run some errands and get some exercise. It's a nice cool day so it should be pleasant. Bye!

Fresh Beginning

So I weighed in at 153lb today following my laxative use. I still think thats not even all of it. I think I'm probably 152 just based on how much liquid I had prior to weighing. After I wrote last night I did have this coconut flour cake I like to make because coconut flour has a lot of fiber and generally makes me go to the bathroom naturally. I just began to worry that since the laxatives from the day before hadn't worked that maybe this wouldn't work either, but whether it was the laxatives or the coconut flour - something worked. Btw this coconut flour cake is really good if you want a low calorie dessert. Its not like a real cake whatsoever and its much better if you have some sort of sauce or something to put with it but nevertheless its something sweet that also has digestion benefits and is low carb. Cake: 2 TBSP Coconut Flour 2 TBSP Hersheys Special Dark Cocoa powder couple drops of vanilla extract and almond extract Unsweetened Almond milk until you get the texture you want All in all, its around 80 calories and fairly satisfying. In other news - I chopped my hair off. Its now above my shoulders. Ive been telling myself for ages that if i lost weight and got back down to 130ish I would cut my hair short. I didn't want to cut it when I was heavier because it would make me look fat, but as the alternative I wear my hair in a messy bun everyday. That's such a waste. Also it's not all that flattering in and of itself. I'm starting to look a lot better so I felt like why not. If anything - knowing my hair is short and I can't change it is motivation to stick to this. I actually really like it. I don't think I'll hit my goal of being in the 140's by Monday, but I think I'm going to go walking in a bit and I'll see what I can do!

TMI

So I weighed in at 157 this morning. lol I just have to laugh because this is ridiculous. I literally have eaten 200 calories consistently for days and the scale isn't going down. I don't feel sad though because I know why. This Miracle Rice I eat is very dense and heavy. I've been eating bags of that stuff like crazy this week. It has no calories and its pretty filling considering is pretty much 100% soluble fiber. So I've had barely anyyyy bowel movement this week but food and drink just keeps going in. So tonight when I got home I weighed in at 155, but I have a feeling that was mostly liquid weight. So I took 4 laxatives in the hope that will completely empty my system by morning. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I weighed in at like 151 once this stuff moves. I can tell I look much thinner but my stomach has distended from the bloat. Anyways I think I would normally feel really discouraged because I really count on seeing that number but at this point I've been so good on my diet - I know the only thing this can be is the constipation. Plus I feel like there is a grand unveiling on the way. Hopefully that unveiling happens tomorrow. I stuck to 200 calories today and based on the exercise I did I had a calorie deficit of like 20 calories. Night

This is ridiculous

I've been trying to write something for over an hour and I just don't know what to say. I'm still sticking to the diet. I ate around 230 calories today. I weighed in at 155 this morning. Tonight I weighed myself when I got in from work and I was 156. I'm not going to the bathroom! I'm very bloated... i can see it and feel it. On top of that - my hormones are all out of whack so Im very positive I'm retaining water. Also In the last two days I broke out like crazy. I literally have not had over 15 grams of sugar in like 5 weeks. And thats being generous because in the last two weeks I'm averaging 2 grams of sugar a day. I took a laxative tonight and I just hope things are better on the scale in the morning. I was reading some old posts yesterday and I had no idea how many laxatives I used to take! I literally took 25 one night!! Like WTH! Was I trying to kill myself? I think if I can just focus on flushing out my system this over the next couple days then I should definitely be 149 by Sunday because I haven't wavered. I feel like I can stay rock solid on this diet till at least the end of the month. I'm just hoping that if I can stick this out to the end of the month that I can have one big cheat day and then restart. If I lose around a pound a day till October 1st- that will put me right at 139lbs. I think it would be safe to have a cheat day at that weight. That would be a real accomplishment because I haven't been in the 130's for exactly 2yrs as of this fall. I'm going to win this guys.... I really feel it and I really believe it. I have all the tools and the motivation is here. See you at 153.