A need for love

I've been consumed with my feelings of loneliness and depression lately. I just need companionship so much. I feel absolutely alone in everything. It's weird but I've been on this journey my whole life to be beautiful. I just felt if I was skinny enough or pretty enough everything would be right. And I know I'm like a record on repeat, but seriously...I can't stress how much these thoughts went through my head growing up. The first week we had a coloured printer in my house I printed photos of Britney Spears and hid them in my drawers. I would stare at them sometimes and just wonder how wonderful her life must be and if I just looked like her life would magically get better. I feel like logically....it would be hard for me to look better than I do now. I have amazing thick hair that's always perfectly styled. I've really mastered hair over the years. I have flawless, impeccable makeup. I spend half my paycheck on make up and hair. I have cute clothes. I have almost everything, but i'm still lonely. I see guys staring at me constantly. Yesterday a girl came up to me and offered me a job at Buckle because she thought I was "really pretty/cute" so I would fit in. The whole thing was so weird and shallow. Walking through the mall two people stopped me to tell me they loved my outfit. A customer said I had beautiful hair yesterday. My interview told me the same thing today. I get compliments all damn day, but all I see is an ugly fat blob ...and I think half of it goes back to being alone. I say all this because I'm always trying to reason with myself in here. Think out loud if you will.... I was reading a question a guy asked today on a message board of sorts. He asked why girls are so obsessed with their figures/bodies. One woman's answer summed it up perfectly - she said that society says Thin=attractive and attractiveness=love. We all want love....so we want to be attractive...so basically we are all quite literally starving for love. It was so simple yet so profound to me. I just want love....and I think I can achieve that if I just hit the right weight. It all makes sense now. I just wish I knew how to change that thought pattern....or how to get love. :/

Why is it so hard??

I feel so overwhelmed. I just feel lost...like I'm falling and tumbling down a long black hole, but never reaching the bottom. I find this whole obsession with weight to be one big weird cycle that you can't really understand until you'r inside. I diet because if I diet I will be pretty and therefore people will like me. But the prettier I get the more many people dislike me....even though I realize this...my brain doesn't accept it. Then theres another part of me that says I'm ugly and stupid and don't deserve food. One half of me is saying to starve because I'm ugly and the other pridefully says to starve because I'm pretty. Nothing ever fully connects on either side except that deep down I feel overall inadequate and I have a void to fill. In the whole mess of starving though I end up miserable, cranky, and sour...then I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I can't starve right. I hate myself for being so self absorbed and consumed with a diet when there are people with real problems in the world. If someone is nice to me...I always assume it's because I'm pretty. If someone is mean to me...I assume it's because I'm ugly. I realize tonight that I never think about myself outside the confines of "pretty" or "ugly". It's like I'm always simplifying myself to those terms. Today was really hard. I'm depressed

Kroger Bag Boy

It's hard to believe that four years ago I was obese. In so many ways I feel totally different from that person now, but the overall idea that I'm a large person still lingers. I was looking at my body in my bathroom mirror this morning after I weighed in at 129. I can see all my ribs. My hipbones protrude. Actually my hipbones stick out so much now I find myself hitting them during the day on counters and even occasionally with my elbow. Weird I know, but they really are sticking out. Despite looking at my body and seeing these bones ...I just felt overwhelmed by how large I was. What's weird is that even when I was very fat I used to pride myself on having a very small frame. Now that I'm thinner you'd think I'd feel overall very small, but I don't. I feel I have a large, bulky frame. You know people tell me all day long how thin I look....they ask me how I do it. They tell me not to lose anymore. One woman this week said I must weigh 100lbs. lol I wish. But instead of being able to think of myself positively from these compliments....I can only think of the negative things that were either said years ago...or some comments that were said in the past few months. This spring a black guy came into my work. He commented to one of my co workers that I was kind of "thick" ....I was heartbroken. I went into a panic. I began asking anyone I knew whether they would consider me thick and many of them said yes!! I considered myself fairly slim at the time. I understand that thick means something slightly different in the african american culture, but still my name and the word "thick" have no business being together. A few weeks after that I was on a diet and mentioned that was dieting to an acquaintance. She immediately snapped and said "You aint never gonna be no Barbie so you need to get that out of your head." .....I don't even need to say how that made me feel. Then this summer I was at a friends house having some beer and his cousin randomly says that I have pretty wide hips. Like it absolutely had no relevance to our conversation whatsoever. In fact...he had just gotten done saying how his wife was actually obese and he himself is very overweight....yet he's commenting on the figure of me while I'm wearing a size 4 mini skirt??? It was just depressing. All of that really hurt, but honestly I was in such a fog all this year I didn't even process all these incidences normally. My January breakup broke my heart. It's really taken till now to care about anything again. Well in regards to the title of this post and my earlier mentioning of my overweight days. I started seeing this bag boy at my local kroger back when I was obese. I thought he was soooo cute. He reminded me of Tyson Ritter. I would always try to find a way to maybe get him to notice me, but I was invisible to him. I've seen him through the years since on and off, but somewhat rarely. Anyways he was ringing me up last week and literally fumbling over his words to impress me. It was so cute and kind of amazing. It reinforces my need to be thin. This is the first time I've seen him so interested in me and I'm the thinnest I've ever been. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together. Why would girls not choose a path of starving if the payout can be endless male attention?? That's probably been my biggest payout. It's certainly hurt me in many ways, but when it comes to boys?? never.

Snow

It's snowing heavily. This is about the thickest snowfall I've seen in years here. I love winter weather. I love the cold. I love dreary days. I love rain. I always say I come alive this time of year. I think it's because I'm often depressed. I've had depression most of my life. Also I'm naturally very pale. So I think this time of year just agrees with me. There is something so obnoxious about summer to me. It's annoying how happy everyone gets about it. It's annoying how bright the sun is....and it's annoying how everyone flaunts their toned, tan bodies as much as possible. I guess I'm weird, but I almost get some sort of sick pleasure out of people being miserable in the winter. It's like "ha-ha ....now you all have to be as miserable as I always am." lol Isn't that quite a weird, pathetic thing to think?? I went running last night again. I ran for 25min and let me just tell you....I want to die today. I'm so sore!! Like any movement is exhausting. I knew I would weigh more today because I haven't been peeing much and I ate alot more yesterday w/o any bowel movements. I felt good about my intake yesterday, but I know I definitely could drop a few pounds if I used the restroom. I'm so bloated atm. I weighed 132. Which I don't even feel phased by because it's exactly what I predicted I would weigh given this lack of bathroom usage. I had off the past 2 days and it was soooo lovely. I seriously get my stomach all in knots thinking about going into work today. I hate this job so much. I hate the people. I hate the customers. I hate it all. I just want to be in an office....working on tasks and in solitude. I am about to work 8 days straight...6 of which are closing shifts which mean that I have to work till 10pm or later 6 of those days. :( In a way it's sort of good because I'll be so tired from a lack of days off that I don't think I could manage going into work any earlier than 1pm everyday. I work retail btw. I'm an HR manager for a retail store. Anyways ....until next time...

They'll like me if I'm thinner...

I don't know why, but I've been plagued by this thought my entire life. My whole life I've found myself blaming my weight for all my problems. In middle school I was convinced that my crush would love me if I came into youth group meetings as a totally beautiful skinny girl. In high school I was convinced that all these girls would be my friend and guys would adore me if I was skinny. I never thought about my personality or my intelligence. I guess I assumed I was acceptable in most ways...except for the weight. I even thought my Dad would finally be proud of me if I was skinny and pretty. I believed the same for my mom....although I always felt she approved of me pretty much regardless. I think I spent my whole life believing that once I hit this certain weight then suddenly magic would happen and everyone would love me. Everyone would want to be my friend. Everyone would love to talk to me, to listen to me, and I would have to beat away the guys on a daily basis. When you spend your whole life convinced that your weight is the root of ALL your problems and that if you lose enough everything will be perfect....it's really hard to accept the fact that life doesn't work that way. I think I'm a really sad, lonely person who feels totally rejected by just about everyone, but I'm "skinny" now.... People constantly say I'm gorgeous. I get compliments from guys daily and sometimes even when I'm with my mother. A few weeks ago a co worker said I had the most perfect face. I reached my huge goal of becoming 130lbs and all people do is comment on how thin I am and how I shouldn't lose anymore.....but yet I still believe they'll all magically like me if I get to 120. Right now I feel like no one likes me at my work....they all talk about me behind my back. My boss is flat out hateful to me. I'm single. I haven't had even a date in almost a year. My friends have basically all drifted away from me expect for 2.....and I rarely get to see them. I still live at home. My parents still shelter me and I still have a million rules even though I'm 23. I just feel so pathetic. If just one thing was going right in my life I think I could manage, but everything seems so bleak and unbearable. Diet seems to be the only thing that comforts me. It's "safe" and "familiar" territory. I guess in another way I also feel like as long as everyone hates me they might as well hate me for being ridiculously thin and beautiful too. = ) later.....

Thoughts that lurk....

So I'm back.... I'm not sure what to say... My last post was all about how I was recovered so I'm a bit embarrassed to be posting right now, but I guess the ED thoughts never fully go away and I recently surrendered to them again. I'm 129lbs right now. It's kind of funny but when I initially set out to lose all this weight so many years ago, my goal was 130. Even when I hit 130 it wasn't really that big of a deal. It's like while I never want to be gaining weight....the low numbers seem to mean less and less all the time. I always feel fat. I will always feel fat. I will always feel inferior. I will always feel I'm not good enough. So I've realized that the low number isn't going to magically change that. I've always said that if I just hit X number of pounds then everything would be good, but then I get to that goal and I'm still unhappy. All that being said ...I still believe life will be a little better if I get to 120. At least when I get there I'll be underweight....finally. Can you believe I use to be literally obese on the BMI scale and now I'm closing in on underweight?? It is kind of amazing. There are so many things that people say stimulate eating disorders and I find so many of these things are present in my life. Here's a little background on what my life has been like since I last wrote. Summer 2011 I got really into working out and really tried to invest all my efforts into being super fit and healthy rather than starving. The truth is that working out relieved a little bit of the eating anxiety that I had, but in some ways I just started manifesting my ED issues in the workout stuff. I was obsessive. I worked out almost 2hrs everyday. I still weighed myself alot just not AS obsessively. I got down to 135lbs eating a balanced diet and working out, but when school started I had less time for the 2hr workouts and my diet wasn't as strict. I got to about 147 and felt pretty down about it, but nothing like I would have a year earlier. I ran my first half marathon around that time and the next day I met the boy of my dreams. I started starving and quickly got down to 135 in a matter of 2 weeks. I didn't realize it at the time, but he was my first love. He was a model and sooooo beautiful. I felt like maybe he was my reward for all the hard work I'd put in the past 2 years. After dating a couple months he ended up cheating on me....and dumping me for a girl who was actually heavier than me, with a short butch hair cut, and rocker tattoos all over. lol It's funny now, but trust me....at the time it was devastating. It's weird because she was almost everything I was avoiding my whole life because I thought being the pretty, preppy, skinny blonde was what was going to land me my dream guy. Turns out it's what made me lose him. I honestly think he had self esteem issues and I think I unintentionally made him feel bad about himself. Well enough about that. In all that mess I also ended up graduating from college. = ) I struggled looking for work and maintained around 140 this entire time. 140 is a weight my body naturally seems to gravitate towards. If I eat the way I'm naturally inclined to given my current habits then I think I would stay 140 for life. But I have never liked that number. Despite wanting to lose more it seemed like i could never get below 134. 134 was like the equivelent of some video game level that you can never pass. lol Sorry for the nerdy analogy, but thats what it always makes me think of. Several weeks ago i felt my eating was out of control....I felt so fat and I decided to muster up some courage to weigh myself and take back control of the situation. When I weighed myself I was thinking worst case scenario I'm 146. I weighed 138. For some reasons my major diet always start with some unitentional weight loss. It's like seeing that I'm at a "happy" number without even trying makes me get competitive and say...."Wonder what I can do if I try??" Before I knew it I was on a crazy strict ED type diet. I was depressed, moody, exhausted, weak.....and I loved it. That's the thing about the ED....it's like there is some sort of sick joy in all that pain. I associate all that with being thin and pretty...so in some weird way I enjoy it. I hit 128 the day of this big family get together.....I was really weak ...emotionally and physically. I felt certain I was going to lose control that day and I did. My "binge" was actually not bad whatsoever, but I weighed in the next day at 133. Being experienced with all this I wasn't shocked.....I have waivered a bit getting back on track with the diet, but it's been about 2 weeks since then and I've been maintaining 130. = )This morning I weighed in at 129. I can put that down to 2 things. 1. I ate around 600ish calories yesterday and 2. I ran 2 miles and burnt 120 calories on the elliptical. I ate pretty much exactly what I wanted yesterday. The trick is that I've trained my wants. I crave healthier foods naturally now. I did allow myself one cookie and that's the other thing... if I have a little bit of the unhealthy stuff here and there I don't go into a psychotic binge. This is a diet I can maintain and I'm dead set on hitting 120 and beyond. I think 115 sounds like a good number. I know a major part of this whole diet thing has been brought on by my work life. I'm miserable in my current job. I hate it. I hate my co workers.... But I have no ability to leave. Currently there are just no better options. I think this work situation has left me feeling out of control and therefore I'm just grasping for anything I can control.....this is what I do best. Dieting is what I do best. .....Until next time.

It's been a while = )

So it always worried me when I would be reading someone's blog and then they suddenly stopped writing. I would wonder if they died in some tragic way or if the diet finally got them. I felt it was important to eventually return to this blog and let anyone who cared know how my life has turned out.

I've just been reading over my old posts and wow. What a journey I've been on over the past year. I think I really found myself over the past year. As hard as it's been I don't think I would change a thing.

Let me start by saying that I am recovered (for the most part) from my ED. For me, recovery at this point means that I always eat at least 1200 calories and I don't punish myself for eating more or overeating. I don't purge and I exercise regularly. = )

In fact I am running in my first 5k this weekend! I'm the strongest I've ever been and the healthiest!

Let me now say that I didn't think this was possible a few months ago even. I never thought I would see the day when I wasn't obsessed with calories and I sure as hell didn't think I'd ever see the day where I ran for fun...let alone payedddd to run in a race. haha


I have alot more to say with regards to my recovery and my current standing, but if I could put my turning point down to one thing it would be this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zxXi0yeGGw


I really hope anyone struggling will watch this video and let everything sink in.

My lovely followers...I hope you are happy and healthy. = )

I'll discuss this more when I have a bit more time!