Reality Check

I woke up so nauseous this morning. I ate 13 carbs yesterday so I think that’s why. I was planning on having my full 20, but my guilt about my fat body took over and I opted to just go to bed. I think the extreme lack of carbs is just making me a little ill temporarily. I’m on track to eat 15 carbs today. I had a dream a few nights ago that I tried on an old mini skirt that was extremelyyyyy loose summer 2014. It’s a size four. In my dream the skirt was tight but I could fit in it. When I got home yesterday evening I started wondering if that had been a dream or if I had really tried the skirt on. So I found it in my closet hanging up and immediately knew it was a dream. The skirt seemed sooooo tiny compared to my wardrobe now days. I decided I needed to try it on. I needed to understand how far gone I am to realllllly make myself take this seriously. It was painful. The skirt wouldn’t go past my thighs. I couldn’t believe it. How did I let myself go this far. I keep thinking back to winter 2014/2015 when I first started putting on weight and I just don’t know why I didn’t course correct. Then I think about last summer when I moved to NYC – determined to get a grip on the weight…. Why did I keep pushing it off? Why did I get to the point where pizza, fries, and cheesecake are my main food groups. I worked so hard when I first started this blog to get my weight under control. And I always prided myself(even during EDNOS recovery) that I hadn’t let myself get above 149 in years. I used to swear I would only ever be that weight again for a pregnancy. Now I could easily be 160…. And I’ve just kept letting it go. I bought a denim jacket three years ago that I used to regret purchasing because it was too big. Now it’s tight. Whatever – this is my new start. I can feel it. I’m determined. I’m not restricting myself to broth… I’m not limiting myself to one meal a day. It’s not sustainable…. Not right now at least. I’m doing Atkins because it allows me to eat things I like while still restricting in an extreme way that satisfies me mentally. I would like to lose 15 pounds by the time my parents get here on 8/31. That will put me at 145. My next goal is to lose another 20lbs by the 10/27. That’s when I’ll be visiting my extended family for a party. I just want to be back to my old thin self by then. Another stressor though is the fact that a couple friends will be visiting me around September/October and I want them to see me like they remember and not this obese heifer I am currently. Also, I’m meeting a bunch of new colleagues in the early part of September and I want them to meet thin Annie. Another benefit I expect form this is that my skin will be flawless if I stick to a low carb diet. Carbs are terrible for your skin. When this is all over and I’m skinny again – maybe I’ll go vegan. Vegan kind of forces you to be thin. We’ll see….

Going strong

So I did go to the store last night to buy batteries and they didn’t have the kind I needed for my scale. I did however stock up on foods for my diet which was great. I ate 24 carbs yesterday. Slightly over my goal of 20, but it was mainly because I couldn’t find zero carb energy drinks and I had to have a morning pick me up. Also, I’ve only had 9 carbs today so far and I feel pretty good considering the lack of food AND carbs. I think this is going to be super successful. Today at work people were discussing this girl on my team that’s super tall and skinny… with long blonde perfect hair…. Basically a model. Everyone talks about how pretty she is and I feel silly because I remember when I used to be described in those terms. It’s been so long. I know I can be 125 again and super fit. I remember summer 2014 I got down to 125 and I was soooo skinny. I was just walking down the street with my mom one day and some lady gasped and exclaimed “She’s so beautiful!” I mean she was old and probably not completely in her right mind, but still…. That sort of thing used to happen. And now I’m like a fat blob. Literally at least 30lbs heavier than that. I feel like in the past couple years I’ve become so complacent… Like I just genuinely stopped caring what I looked like. I feel like it’s been so long since I cared about guys – that’s half the problem. My serious motivator to wanting to lose weight has always been for a guy. I just haven’t been in a relationship since fall 2014. With zero interest in guys… it’s been all about doing whatever feels fun or good for me…. Aka eating. But I’ve been working in NYC in luxury since last summer…. I feel like all the girls are super thin, pretty, and stylish. I am not that way anymore. I was actually watching the Devil wears Prada a couple weeks ago and that’s basically my work environment. Anne Hathaway is considered obese at a size 6 in the movie and I’m a size 10 right now…. So just imagine what people think of me. Anyways – journaling seems to always help my motivation and keep me accountable. I even created a spreadsheet to track my food intake and weight loss yesterday. I need to get those Ketostix to see when I go into Ketosis… hopefully it happens fast. The scary, but good thing about low carb dieting is that if you have one slip up you can knock yourself out of ketosis. It puts the pressure on hard to not drop the ball. Until tomorrow…

Back On It

I don’t know what it is about the past year(or couple years you could say)… but I have had zero motivation to lose weight. It used to be the only thing I cared about and I was so afraid of being bigger again. Now it’s like I have zero self-control. It’s funny because I used to think that if I could just live on my own I would be so skinny because I wouldn’t fill my house with any temptations. That may have been true at that time, but it goes back to motivation. If the motivation is not there than nothing else matters. These past few months I have had zero self-control and it shows in ever thigh dimple and stomach roll. It’s disgusting. I’ve been thinking recently about all the dating I used to do and it wasn’t even a question in my mind that whoever I dated would think I was gorgeous. Now that seems like a laugh. My scale battery has been dead for over a month and I haven’t been quick in replacing it mainly because I’m sure I don’t want to see what it has to say. Anyways, I’m determined to replace that stupid thing today and see where I am. I imagine I might be as high as 160. Actually thinking about this…. I’m not sure I can handle seeing the scale say 160. We’ll see. All I know is I want to go back to miniskirts, tank tops, and no worries. I used to be so effortlessly pretty. I don’t want to stress about finding clothes big enough… I want to go back to trying to find clothes small enough. I feel certain I’m going to do it this time. I’m going to throw myself into this in every way possible. Running, working out, reading anything pro ana…. Watching anything pro ana, limiting time out with people. I can focus on that when I get back to my goal weight. I’ve even put off seeing friends simply because I don’t want them to see what I look like now. I remember how I used to relish in seeing old friends. I wanted them to see how thin and pretty I had become. My parents are visiting me at the end of the month. I don’t want to worry about not wanting to go out with this fat body…. I just want to be thin and care free. I used to be a loose size four and now I’m uncomfortable in my size tens. I miss seeing how flat and thin my stomach was. I swear I can pull at fat from everywhere these days. I’m doing a low carb diet as of today. The next couple days are going to be tough. I’m already kind of dizzy and sick feeling. The first three days are usually the hardest. I just felt this was necessary because I know I can lose weight quickly on a low carb… I know there are lots of low carb foods I enjoy eating. I also like how gaunt you look on a low carb diet. It would be awesome if I could lose 10lbs by the time my parents come…. That gives me 15 days. I think that’s reasonable given the extreme nature of the diet. Also I feel like when you exercise on a low carb diet it’s like weight loss in high gear. Hopefully a thinner me will update you tomorrow.

Water is dangerous

Anything you put in your mouth is worthy of being questioned. Is this worth it? How will this help? Will this hurt my goal? Can I do without this? Am I being weak? So many questions. I'm 149b today. This is exciting because it's the first time I've been in the 40's in so long. It's a really awesome milestone especially so quickly into this round. I saw friends yesterday and we were discussing my diet and I told them I'd lost 10lbs. My friend gasped and quickly responded - "What!?! You don't look like it?!" My other friend quickly jumped and laughed because he realized how that sounded quite rude, but she went on to clarify. The damage was done. I knew what she meant. I didn't look thinner. I still look fat. Kind of crushing, but it also made me more determined. I want ppl to take notice and realize my strength, determination, and will. When I get to 125lbs - they will have to recognize. I imagine in two weeks everyone will very clearly know I've lost weight. I just can't waiver and give into temptation. It's harder and harder to be so strict the further into the diet you go. Your body starts begins to use through it's reserves and you literally begin to feel like you're dying. On a positive note....I'm starting to recognize my body again. I'm starting to remember what it was like to see a perfectly flat stomach and a bony back. I have one thing in my advantage. I have a naturally small frame - especially my upper body. Even at my heavier weights you can still see my collar bones, etc. But now that I'm losing weight I'm starting to be able to see bones in my back more clearly. It's a result I don't think you get with normal weight loss. There is something about starving that affects you differently and you really start to look gaunt and boney. I know this because I have been 140lbs on a normal eating regimen and 140lbs on a starving regimen. The two look very different. I know I haven't lost 11lbs of fat, but I have probably lost at least 6 lbs of true fat. I know because my clothes are starting to fit differently and my waist is getting smaller. Even my thighs are beginning to change. My thighs in general are much different than they have ever been - more toned in general. I believe this is from all the walking I do in the city. Now coupled with the weight loss they are starting to look very good and it's making me hopeful about wearing shorts this summer. I'm so excited to wear little shorts and be skinny and go out with friends and have people be jealous of how thin I am. I can't wait. As I previously mentioned, the goal is to get to at least 145lbs by Saturday. I think I can do better than that, but I don't want to be disappointed if I don't. I think and ideal situation and not totally impossible would be to hit 143lbs by Saturday, but who knows what may actually happen. I suppose we shall see.

It's setting in

Written 3/3 - I’ve been on this diet for 6 days now. I’m down 9lbs at 151lbs today. The only thing gaining on me is depression. Why is it that you get so glum when you stop eating? Everything is annoying me and I feel frustrated about everything. It’s hard to even get excited about weight loss right now because I’m not excited about this weight regardless. See last time was different. Last time I was entering weights I had never been before and beyond that….I was enjoying my results every step of the way because I was continually looking better and better. Now it’s hard though….I know what it’s like to be super skinny and therefore this isn’t exciting. It’s depressing. Yesterday was my birthday and it was so wonderful because my coworkers through this over the top birthday party for me! I couldn’t believe it. No one had ever had a party like that before. It was hard though because everyone made baked goods and we went to dinner and I couldn’t eat anything and everyone was asking questions and it was embarrassing. I felt guilty. One thing is for sure, that was the most special birthday of my life and I’ll never forget it. I started today. It’s made me really sick and I’m running to the bathroom like every 5min. I suppose the positive to that is that I might lose a little more weight with everything running through me like this. I’ve only had 200 calories today. It’s always exciting when you reallllllly restrict, but scary too because you feel like you have to top it and I don’t know how I can go with less. My friends decided they are going to take me to a legit NY night club where it’s hard to get in and the doorman picks and chooses by whoever is hottest. I’m realllllllly stressed. It’s in two weeks and idk if I can be hot in two weeks. I need to lose at least 12 more pounds. I don’t think I’ll feel good about myself until I’m in the 130’s. I think by Saturday I’ll be 149 and that will be awesome at least to finally be back in the 40’s. It’s actually been at least 4-5 months since I’ve been there. Actually, I just looked at the calendar. If I can maintain this rate of weight loss I could be thinner than 139 by that day…..maybe even 135. But I won’t get myself worked up for a let down. I’m just going to push to be 139 and cross my fingers for better. It’s tricky though because I have a conference coming up in 9 days and I’m going to be forced to eat out w/ ppl the entire time. I hate questions. I hate people staring. Until next time.

Memories

Written on 3/1 Can you believe that once upon a time I was nearly underweight. I was just looking to see whether 120 or 121 was the starting point for underweight and it’s 121. I was 125 at one point. Only four pounds from success and I didn’t even really feel like it then. I was nowhere near a size 0. I was wearing size 4’s at the time. That’s kind of depressing when I think about it. Like how thin would I have to be to fit in something that small. I’m starting to feel like it’s not even humanly possible for me to be a size zero. I’m probably genetically predisposed to be humongous. I’m almost 5 days into this diet and I’m finally starting to feel the fatigue. It felt harder to walk my commute today and I was generally more irritable. It’s weird because I don’t even feel really skinny right now. Not even “diet skinny”(when you start feeling lighter and your stomach shrinks in making you feel thinner than you are). I just feel fat and miserable because I’m fat and hungry. It’s not even that I want to eat….It’s that I just feel annoyed with being this big and knowing it’s do or die time. Like there come a point in your weight loss where while you might not enjoy starving all the time, but you start to feel good about the flatness that’s starting to take over your stomach and you feel encouraged by regular results on the scale. I don’t feel that way yet. I just feel big, ugly, and uncomfortable. There’s a weird feeling of my chubby arms touching my sides that really bothers me. It feels like I’m humongous. I hate how my chest now moves when I walk. My chest used to be non-existent and now I feel it flopping around when I walk. So annoying and not cute. I own a pair of veryyy tiny Hollister shorts that I used to wear two summers ago. I’m determined to fit in those soon. I used to wear those everyday with a little tank top and not give it a second thought. I was tiny! I feel encouraged just thinking of those times. It’s hard because no one here knows what I used to be like. No one knows that I used to be super skinny and pretty. They just know me as my hefty size now, but I can’t wait to show them. I can’t wait to show them the skinny, pretty version of me they never got to see.

Let's begin again

This was written 3/1. I can’t believe I never updated this thing in all of 2015. So much happened, but I guess it wasn’t anything I felt like saying. In Summer 2014, things were great. It’s funny how your perception of a time can change because from the blogs I wrote during that time, it doesn’t seem like I was all that happy. But I was skinny. I was in the best shape of my life. I was super fit and getting toned. I think my weight got to 125lbs. AH-MAZING. I was soooo strict though. I would allow myself very heavily creamed coffee and occasionally some less healthy foods, but overall my diet was very regimented and I tended to eat only good foods. As fall came, I had relaxed my diet and exercise. I had gained probably 5-7lbs. I was less strict, but still ate relatively well(boiled eggs, fruit, coffee, fairly frequent exercise). I wasn’t thrilled with my weight, but I also wasn’t worried about it. I was still thin and I was ok with my body. Something terrible began to happen though. I began to notice that gluten was bothering me(stomach issues,headaches) and my hair began falling out pretty bad. By late fall, my hair was incredibly thin and I was getting heavier(maybe 137lbs). I continued to feel frustrated and concerned, but I kept trying to ignore things because work was consuming far too much time to be stressed about anything else. By winter I had very little hair left. The baldness was getting extremely noticeable and it was hard to cover with extensions at this point. I began to see a specialist by November/December. At this point I was 140lbs….and I knew I was going to have to purchase a wig soon. This all gave me so much anxiety that I began to eat more. I knew this was all related to my thyroid, and my levels were all messed up. But doctors could not give me an answer as to how to fix things. During this time, the specialist I was seeing was crap. He refused to acknowledge the hair loss as a problem and admonished me that I shouldn’t gain any more weight beyond 140lbs. Rule #1 …..Don’t say things like that to anyone, particularly females, and particularly someone with ED issues. Nothing was getting better. In January I finally purchased a wig and putting it on my head the first day was the first time I really had to acknowledge what had happened. I was fat, I had lost almost all my hair, and I was wearing a wig. I had a full scale breakdown that day. From there I resolved that I would not wear an ugly synthetic wig. If this was my reality then I was going to at least have awesome hair. So I learned to make wigs. Within about a month I had made my first human hair wig. It was really beautiful and it really did temporarily make me feel better. Unfortunately, not being able to go to the gym(I couldn’t wear it there) was still an issue that was not helping my waistline. I continued to gain weight not only because I couldn’t work out, but because my thyroid was incredibly low, and I was depressed about it all – therefore I turned to food. Let’s fast forward to now. I’ve moved. My hair has been coming back in phases. I never got any real answers as to what happened with my thyroid, but it continues to cause problems. And most importantly, I’m 155lbs. Yes, that is correct …..1-5-5lbs….. How I let myself continue to gain until I got here I don’t know. TBH, this isn’t even the worst. I’ve lost 5lbs. The day I saw 160lbs was really a trigger I’d been waiting for. Something to horrify me into getting back on track. Last week, I had gone out for drinks with friends and I was starving on my way home. So I ordered a pizza. When I got home I ate every slice but one. The only reason I didn’t eat the last slice is because I forced myself to throw it in the garbage before I changed my mind. I think it was a full blown binge. That night I determined that I would not eat the entire next day because I had to take drastic measures. That leads me to now….5lbs down. I am actually feeling pretty good about my motivation levels. There is just something that switches in your brain when you have ED issues. You almost come to feel it and you can definitely tell when things have switched. I no longer care about my hunger. It’s not about that. It’s about how awesome I feel when I know I’m not eating and no one can stop me. I feel strong. I feel powerful. I feel like – “I’ll show you.” The food can’t matter when you feel like that. I miss when I used to really starve….I mean really starve(100calories a day). I lived for fitting rooms and mirrors and compliments and new outfits and dropping pounds on the scale. Everything else was petty and irrelevant. My skin was flawless, my body was awesome, my periods became non-existent. I felt like I was always nearing perfection. I felt good about life. I felt like everything was going to be ok. The strange thing is – when you haven’t flipped this switch in your mind - you really do think food will comfort you…. Food will help fill some void, but it doesn’t. Food lies. Food promises all those things, but it never delivers them. I’ve set a goal to be 140lbs in 3 weeks when my friend comes to visit. I don’t want him to see me this weight and I don’t want to look this way period anymore. March 18th – 140lbs. I’m not sure what phase 2 will look like but I’d really like to see 120 finally. I’d love to finally hit “underweight”….. then I would for sure know I was perfect. Then no one could ever question it. It would be fact. One things for sure – summer is coming. With summer brings shorts and tank tops and hot days….. all things that do not mix with being fat. I have got to lose this weight and I have got to lose it fast. Here’s the full plan: 3/5 – 150lbs 3/11 – 145lbs 3/18 – 140lbs 4/2 – 135lbs 4/15 – 130lbs I’m building in probably more time than necessary just for an complications or issues that might arise. Reason being is that I’m having company 3/18-3/27 and I’m worried that this might cause issues. Also, because I have vacation the week after that. Hopefully I’ll be at a point where I’m even more motivated to push harder over that week and realllllly starve, but you never know what may happen and I don’t want to discourage myself if my goals are too aggressive. Until next time.