188 and this is for me

 

This morning I woke up and immediately weighed in. I hit 188! I have to hit 187 by 8/20. That’s the exact weight and date from 2010 and I’m trying to almost recreate my journey. It’s helpful to know I’ve done it before and on almost the exact timing so I have a guideline of what I can expect.

My diet yesterday was 459 calories.

Extra lean turkey: 162

Broccoli: 120

Goat cheese: 83

Egg beaters: 46

Cheese slice: 40

Tomato: 8

It was great because it was super low carb too. I think I should easily hit 187 tomorrow or Thursday because I really feel the slow down I experienced was solely related to my period. I think I was retaining a lot of water and just constipated.

I’ve been giving a lot f thought to whether Ill always be bouncing up and down the scale. Part of me thinks yes because I guess it’s never been super easy, but the other part says no. I think had I not started losing my hair in 2014 I would not be here. I was totally fine and around 125 when that started. It kept me out of the gym and kept me home comfort eating. It just all spiraled from there. 

I think now about what I looked like and all the comments people made. It’s like even when I was soooooo skinny people were never satisfied. My sisters wedding day I remember someone commenting on the fact I was eating cake in a negative way. I was probably 135lbs that day. Totally normal! 

I don’t know - my hope is that I have some new perspective this time. This time feels like it’s for me... not anyone else and not for how they’ll like me more or whatever. It’s for me. 

That time of month....

Yesterday was tough. I struggled with only eating my one meal. After I ate yesterday I prepared a roast that I had to fix otherwise it would start to go bad. So I did that and I ate a little after... and then a little more. 🙄 anyways I ended up eating over 900 calories and 40 carbs. I’m trying to go into Ketosis so none of this helps. 

Well I worked out last night to compensate and I worked harddddddd. I burned over 750 calories and by the end of the day I had a 1600 calorie deficit which is only 100 calories less than the day prior. I just felt STUFFFFFFED all day and HOT. I have been cold the last week and it’s do to eating less, but I ate so much I knocked myself out of that. I really did feel uncomfortably stuffed and that’s what was so upsetting. I don’t like that feeling. But I felt it was there not just because of what I ate but because I’m not having bowel movements regularly. Which is another thing that’s just going to screw up the scale for me. I drank and drank and drank in the hope that it would get things moving,

In any case I still feel quite full today, but I woke up at 191. Not shocked. I feel a little swollen and bloated AND like I need to go and ... I started. So my period like I guessed has surely been a big scale issue for me the past few days and I wouldn’t be surprised if I drop a few pounds at once once it’s over. 

Measurements:

Biceps - 12inches

Waist - 36.5

Hips - 46.5

Calf - 16

Thigh - 26

189: Two in one

8/15

I’m in disbelief. I woke up after having not eaten since 1pm yesterday and I have STAYED THE SAME! 190. I guzzled water yesterday in an attempt to flush my system. I think drank probably 100oz?? Somehow I woke up feeling swollen. I ate so little sodium so I don’t know how that’s possible. 

The only thing I can possibly think of is that my period is around the corner.

8/16

So I ended up doing pretty intense workout all things considered. I ran a 13min mile.... pathetic but I made it. I then walked for about 45 min. My Fitbit calculated it as burning in total around 600 calories. I felt weak but fine. It was at this point I finally hit 189, but I felt okay and genuinely started considering going for a 48 hour fast. In any case I laid down to rest for a bit.

Out of nowhere around 1:30 I started profusely sweating for now reason. I was actually somewhat cold, but just dripppppping sweat. My heart was racing and I just got very weak very fast. I hurried and made food. It started to help immediately, but it took hours to feel normal. Yesterday I focused more on low carb than I have been.

2 burgers: 290

Lettuce: 10

Tomato: 16 

Mayo: 45

Cheese: 80

Broccoli: 60

Sauce: 50

Dressing: 35

Jello: 40

Total: 626

I focused on the protein and will continue to do so because my hair fell out in the past due to a vegetarian diet and restrictive diets in general on top of that. So I’ve been eating meat since last October trying to raise my ferritin levels. It has worked, but I need to keep pushing. 

One last thing: in the past I think what’s eventually broke me was 100 calories a day. While I eventually did hit 125 lbs it was never through 100 calories a day. I appreciate that 100 sped up my progress, but it ultimately hurt me a lot. This time I want to focus on something manageable that I could maintain indefinitely. So I’m trying to avoid approaching this from the “all or nothing” mindset. It’s hard for me to do.

2000 calorie deficit

 

Well today was rough... I took a laxative last night not because I was dabbling in anything bulimic, but because I genuinely hadn’t had a bowel movement and was afraid this was going to start hindering the scale. Well I woke up and was 191....which while not the worst - I followed the diet yesterday and was expecting to see 190 right off. Not to worry because I would pass a BM and be fine surely. No. I had my energy drink and then continued to kind of limit liquids the rest of the morning. By noon I’d had a large BM and for whatever reason was still at 191. I finally teetered on 190.8 which I hit one time and called it a day. It had been buried around some 191’s so it didn’t feel “real”. 

In any case I had less today than the rest of week. I came in at 855.

Lunch: 

Lean beef patty: 170

Cheese: 40

Lettuce: 2

Tomato: 8

Light mayo : 35

Wrap: 50

Broccoli: 60

Dressing: 53

Sauce:50

Dinner:

Broccoli: 60

Lean turkey: 150

Goat cheese: 50

Apple: 117

THE good news is I worked out and I hit 10k steps for the first time in a long time. And  my deficit is over double what I ate. So I currently have my Fitbit targeting a deficit of 1000 calories a day.... so it “allows” me to eat up to that. So basically Ill have 2K deficit by the end of the day.

In reading later I think the reason I was struggling on the scale is laxatives make you retain water .... so I think that’s why my energy drink essentially cancelled out the bowel movement and nothing else was moving. My stomach was particularly bloated so it makes sense. I just hope I’m 189 tomorrow. I so need to leave these 90’s .... I never thought I’d even see them. 

191 - Copy Paste

 Whenever I start down a serious diet, it’s like my eyes become opened to reality. It’s as if I take off blinders. I just can’t believe the weight I’m at. I’m literally back at square one of my weight loss battle and actually a little worse! 

I’m 191 today. I’ve lost 8lbs in 7 days which is great, but I’m still here! 

I know I keep blaming the antidepressants but I really have too. I mentally feel like I’m coming out of a fog. They made me so numb and it’s almost like life really was a simulation. I can’t explain it, but I FEEL things now. 

I can’t say the diet is without any challenges, but trust me - there is no way I would have been able to last a day on this when I was on the ADs. 

I’ve fallen into a copy paste diet where I literally just eat the same exact things at the same exact time everyday. I can’t explain this but the ED side of me always viewed this as “safe”. To deviate from what had brought me success was to fail/give up and the only acceptable behavior is then to do anything that potentially “one ups” the standard or essentially is more restricting. 

The next few days will be tough as I’m about to start my period and assume I’ll be hungrier. 

Today’s diet: 950 cal.

Hamburger: 290

Wrap: 50

Lite mayo: 35

Cheese: 40

Broccoli: 60

Dressing:35

FF dipping sauce: 100

Lime jello: 15

Lean turkey: 150

Broccoli: 60

Blueberries: 80

Black bean snaps: 35

Today I used the last of these more fattening burger patties I purchased last week so now I will be eating only leaner meats. This will shave off around 140 calories daily... for the next few days.

192

I read through old entries the other day and it’s funny to compare my experience now vs then. Yesterday I hate 1000 calories.... not great and 100 more than I would have liked. Really I would have liked 500, but I’m trying to create a 1000 calorie daily deficit at least and eating 1000 yesterday didn’t achieve that. 

That being said I woke up at 192 first thing which was NOT expected. I was thinking I would be 194 and then after a couple bathroom trips would end up at 193. 🤷‍♀️

I’m wondering when the wall is going to come. I know this won’t last long at my current calorie intake. In any case I’ve lost 8 pounds in maybe 5 days?? I think. 

I’m convinced all these years if diet struggle and inability to drop weight were the antidepressants. I’m telling you I have tried a thousand times harder before and seen wayyyyy less results. The only difference was ADs. 

I took “before” photos today and it was a real wake up call. You go so long gaining weight or avoiding really looking at yourself that you don’t even know what you really look like. I mean I really felt like I didn’t look that different than my skinny days LOL and then I took photos..... 

It’s okay... it’s not about what I am.... it’s about what I will be. 

It’s been 10 years

First of all... I’m old. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I started this thing. Second of all - how strange that I randomly had inspiration to start again RIGHT at the 10 year anniversary of this blog. Well let me catch you up. Beginning of this past week I guess (probably 8/4) I was 200lbs. Awesome. So many things that brought me here but this path started in late 2014/early 2015. Hair loss is a bitch and a real life destroyer. It completed screwed up my workouts and fitness regime and I began to really comfort eat. Basically I gained 75lbs over 6 years. Every year I diet multiple times and every time is “going to be different” but it never is. I don’t want to make anymore stupid promises, but something feels different this time. I quit my anti depressant about 10 days ago and I think that was a hugeeee factor in my weight issues. I’ve been practically unable to drop weight on ADs. I’ve been on many in the last 4 years and I truly believe they are a major reason for a lot of this weight. My hair issues are slowly being resolved and I’ve had many bought of temp weight loss and hardcore workouts, however, I’m never able to get below a certain weight - usually high 160’s is best I can do. Antidepressants have given me a bigger appetite and strange cravings. Honestly this last one made me crave papa johns 24/7. I went through a period where I was eating a medium papa johns pizza all by myself every couple days. If you haven’t experienced cravings like this you can’t possibly understand, but basically it’s impossible to deny the craving. 20lbs of the weight gain came in the few months I’ve been on Effexor. Prior to Effexor I was around 178lbs. In any case here I am. I’m 195lbs today (8/9/2020) and I’m trying to start over. My mind just feels a little different right now. My old self doesn’t feel like it has to be some distant memory, but rather someone that’s still inside me and can still be. These 5lbs have come off pretty easy and tbh I’m surprised this has even been weight I need to lose. I was convinced that much of the weight I was seeing was water or constipation, but nope it’s seems like it was very real. 🙄 I’ve really only been dieting 4 days (or today will make 5). First day was probably 2000 calories followed 1600 - followed by 1300 - and finally just under 800 yesterday which surprisingly was so easy. I honestly think the more this Effexor gets out of my system the easier dieting will be. I can’t explain how much this drug fucked up my appetite. I haven’t really set goals yet and maybe I need to but I’m just kind of taking things one day at a time for now.