Hard days and long nights

I don't know what it is with me these days. I'm eating like 400-800 calories a day. That's not horrible, but it's not what I'm used to and it's not whats going to get this weight off me FAST. The thing is I just feel like I can't do 100 calorie days any more. I still have time to hit the 130's by the end of the month, but I'm not going to get to 120 by Christmas. = ( Theres just no way to drop this much in a month. No way considering the fact that I'm much thinner now and the weight just doesn't melt off.

I did buy 5lb weights you can strap around your ankles and I wear them all day...so hopefully that will help. I also bought 3 pound wrist weights....so hopefully that will help me. They are a constant reminder that I need to keep moving and as a result I get in around 300 leg lifts a day since. I'm still 149. ugh.

I ate alot today.

Toast: 100

Salad: 100

Soy nog: 200 (yikes, but so good)

vegan links: 100

Grapes:100

= 600 calories

I just don't feel comfortable with that sort of number at all. I know some people eat in that range, but those people are usually thinner or have better metabolisms than me. Me eating 600 calories is like those people eating 1200.

I just need to get refocused. The purging lesson the other night helped a lot and I'm so happy I have back up now, but I need to spend some time on serious thinspiration this week. I need to do that and I need to write here daily. The writing helps me confront everything that I suppress in order to justify eating.

I ended a friendship this week. It's just been a really hard week. I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone and I'm so tired of feeling inadequate. I won't ever feel worthy of anything until I'm at least 120. I'll always feel like my weight is the reason no one likes me or my justification for any problems. I know thats silly, but it's my life. I just wonder when I'll ever eat normally. Like I'm not going to live on an endless cycle of starvation and binges, but honestly I have no idea how a normal person eats. I have no idea how much time you're supposed to have between when you eat. If i honestly just ate when I ate hungry I would probably have about 300-400 calories a day, but anything in excess of that is just gluttony. So I can't understand how someone can eat 2000 calories a day!?? I understand that sometimes I want to binge and on those days if I really go wild I might hit 2000 calories, but how on earth do you eat 2000 calories EVERY SINGLE DAY!?? what do those meals even consist of????

Anyways....until later.