I want to get back on the rollercoaster...and I want to go faster

Okay so my worst nightmares came true. I lost control.....basically one week ago. Last Thursday night was one of my lowest point ever. I remember feeling like there was no way I could continue the way I was going because my willpower was no longer strong enough for 100 calorie days and my metabolism was too slow for anything more. So basically I decided that i would take a week off and eat 500-1500 calories a day depending on what I wanted to do and I would simply take the losses as my cost for being so extreme and killing my metabolism. Well over the weekend I ate....all i could think about was food....where I could get my next meal. it was truly ridiculous. I mean somedays I didn't even have 1000 calories but I thought about my food intake so much you would have thought I was eating for an army. This included eating at work...which caused a whole lot of embarrassment and stress I didn't need.

Well come Sunday I had a meeting at my work and everyone that works in the store had to be in attendance....somehow my veganism got brought up and two nutritionists who work in the store started grilling me on my diet and health. I'm not prepared for these questions!! They started asking me what I ate...how I got certain vitamins and protein, ect. They asked me if I had my period...I just didn't know what to say to anything so I answered pretty honestly expecting them to not overreact, but low and behold they practically shout responses about my lack of a menstrual cycle to the point where male co workers were looking. I was so humiliated and the conversation got really tense...I just sat there letting them basically yell at me and one of the girls actually started tearing up about my health. omg!! dramatics!

So anyways my "regular" eating did exactly what I feared.....it weakened my will power. I haven't been able to get back to a normal 100 calorie day since. Granted i was supposed to continue normal eating till tomorrow according to the original plan, but I have attempted my regular diet 2x's and cracked under pressure. I know my metabolism is better, but I just can't get my will power in shape.....THEN.....tonight happened.

I was trying to eat only 100 calories and had been really successful until the thought hit me that i reallllllly wanted potatoes. and I realized I could have them if I purged. I wanted them so bad I thought....I'll do anything for them! So I made them and after getting ready to consume them I thought....Are you really willing to purge this....can you do it? and i started to consider throwing them away. Then I decided that before I threw them away I would allow myself one taste because i knew they would be lovely. Oh it was soooo good. I quickly began to devour the contents of the dish. Next thing you know I felt sooooo full that I ran to my bathroom and began pushing my fingers back my throat. I was so nervous and afraid i wouldn't be able to recover those calories that I continued the torture despite my fears. Next thing you know I was throwing up jello from earlier haha....I thought it was blood at first and it scared the crap out of me haha I continued to purge up tea i had to drink and water ....and finally the potatoes came....which was weird because I thought my most recently consumed food would come first but it came last. I only got about half the potatoes purged before i called it quits, but I learned alot and the potatoes weren't too bad coming up. I went back to a bowl that was still half full and thought I can't finish that, but about 10 minutes later i had eaten them all and was back in the bathroom purging again! This time I was even better. I got almost all of them up I think. I continued eating aqnd purging selectively throughout the night. It was as though I was excited to practice my new skill.....as sick as that sounds. I realized that hope is not lost. I have amazing willpower AND I now am a laxative genius as well as a decent purger. We all have our talents.

Well anyways....I have devised a plan. Tomorrow I will eat my usual toast and purge immediately and thoroughly. I will allow myself that and one of my vegan links(I realized those are easily purged also) ....if I consume the calories it's still only 150 taken in and if I don't then bravo! I'm a fasting genius haha

I know i can get this weight off now. I just have to make sure that each time I eat outside of my 100 calories (no matter how small) I must purge it till there is nothing....MUST.

See right before I really cracked down on my dieting about a month and a half ago I had a really bad few days where I ate alot...like 600-700 calories....and then I knew I was going to make up for it that weekend at work by only consuming something for breakfast and fasting the rest of the day. Well I did and next thing you know I dropped ten pounds in about a week. I am about 150 from all the eating this week but something tells me that I'll be back to 146 by Monday and I can be in the 130's by the months end. I'm sorry for the lack of updates, but now that I'm totally back in the swing of things and sooooo ready to do this thing! Yay!!!

Heres to serious weightloss!