This is going to be short...I think...because I'm just exhausted and annoyed with food issues.
Basically i woke up Thursday and I was surprised to realize that I wasn't even hungry or craving food....it was amazing. I almost decided not to even eat, but then I decided to just stick to plan because not eating all together could be dangerous considering how weak I've been. Well everything was fine and my diet was in check when all the sudden that evening I decided to try and eat normally...or at least like I did in the 500-600 calorie days. Big mistake...cause when I'm given an inch I take a mile. Basically I binged....and not even like last time. I binged and I ate everything!!!!! I ate things I didn't even want...I was just putting anything and everything in my mouth. I tried to purge and I couldn't....Soooo I took 20+ laxatives. I think I ate in all around 1500-2000 calories. It was nuts. I was ashamed...and honestly I feel like a part of me died in all that. I haven't been thinking about the diet since...I've been doing it, but I haven't been thinking about it like I normally do...at an obsessive level. This may sound like a positive thing but I assure you it's not. It's like I'm not thinking about it because it feels unachievable and therefore I'm just putting it out of my mind in order keep on living and being. So the past two days I have eaten my 100 calories and I'm in recovery mode from this binge. I had serious bowel issues from the laxatives for two days and today I bought some water pills to help with the water retention. So hopefully I'll be back to my old self soon enough. I think once I see 146 I'll be back in the swing of things. I can't wait.
I figure it will be at least another two weeks before I feel the temptation to binge again...hopefully this time I have learned a lesson and will resist.
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