I ate:
toast - 100
vegan link - 45
5 grapes - 15
=160 calories
So tonight I decided to weigh in and I weighed 149. What the crap is that!? How is that even happening. I mean I know I haven't truly gone to the bathroom since my whole laxative episode, but really??? really? So I took 6 laxatives to get rid of everything and because I am a sucker for this cycle. The most annoying thing is that I feel like I'm ready to snap today. I just want to eat everything in sight!!!!!! If you told me I wasn't going to gain any weight I think I would eat everything in the pantry....everythingggggggg!!!!!!!! The ridiculous thing is that I haven't felt this way.... I haven't felt this way and that's how I knew I would lose the weight because I wasn't even craving food.
My 100 calorie days are coming to an end. I will definitely do it this weekend because that's always easy since I work, but tomorrow at least I'm eating around 500 calories. You know whats crazy!...as soon as I give in and type that last sentence I start thinking about what I will eat with my 500 calories and the choices start to overwhelm me and then I think..."this is too much...I'm going to get overexcited and binge so I better just stick to the plan." Its the never ending cycle of misery also known as my thought process.
I think the thing I hate the most about eating is that I feel like my family looks at me like...."well she's losing it...guess she's gonna put that weight back on." and even if not that my Mom just is happy that she's been able to talk me into eating and then I feel annoyed that she and food has won.
Ughhh I'm so nauseous and frustrated right now. I wish I could purge, but it's been so long that I don't know how exactly to do it and I'm afraid I'll get hooked...and I'm worried I'll eat alot and then not get it back up. Any tips would be appreciated.
Until tomorrow...
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