Hey failure..long time no see...

Wellllll.....not so good. Yes, I did hit 147 because yesterday I was a very good dieter, but as for today...not so much.

I find that the 100 calorie days only last about a week at a time before I crash a little. But like I said last time...I won't crash like the 1500 calorie binge ever again. So instead this was my intake -

Toast - 100

Brussel Sprouts - 360

Vegan spread - 90

= 550

One of the other differences was that this was pretty calculated instead of last time. I knew I was coming near my end and that it would be better to fill up on brussel sprouts rather than eat something else. Here's the bad thing...instead of just accepting the day as having been a slightly higher calorie day I took 10 laxatives.... : / I have three kinds (haha so ridiculous) and instead of taking my harsh exlax I took this gentle "natural" kind....it never gives me horrible cramps and it usually doesn't leave me crazy dehydrated. I think I only set myself back a day. I'm not too worried because I didn't eat a crazy number of calories I'm just upset that apparently I no longer have control over my laxative abuse, but rather it has control of me. That's scary. So what does this mean?? Am I going to freak out and OD on laxatives everytime I eat more than 150 calories??? I don't know anymore... I don't know myself.

I find it weird that I abused myself in this way today because I watched a great show about loving yourself and being comfortable in your own skin and I was starting to think that I need to start changing my mindset...because right now I feel like even if I hit 110...I'll never be thin enough...I'll never be good enough. I see this happening because it wasn't long ago that I thought being in the 150's would solve all my problems....then I got there and I still felt horrible...then I thought if I hit the 140's I would be okay, but no....I can't see myself looking good even in the 130's. The truth is I won't look good to myself simply because I weigh less....I'll only start looking good to myself when I actually love myself...and by myself I mean love my body for the body it is and stop wanting it to be someone elses. It's so crazy because I put so much more pressure on myself then I ever would on another person. I see girls heavier than me and I think they are gorgeous, but I would never express that to myself.

So I guess my word of advice for the day(which I will be taking to heart myself) is - love yourself. No, not in that vain, proud, arrogant sort of way....just love your body because it's the only one you will ever have and love you because you are the only you the world will ever have. It's cliché, but yea. = )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw <-- oh and listen to this because it goes with the theme of this post!