PAINNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

Okay so I hit 151 today....barely.

Today was horrible. I feel HORRIBLE from all this fasting...like my body is just wornnn out. So anyways I decided to eat something a little different then my usual two pieces of toast. I instead had this:

6 brussel sprouts: 50 cal.

1 piece of toast: 50

1 vegan hot dog: 50

= 150

Well I went a little over but I felt so weak I thought I needed it. So I went to work and had an annoying day filled with creepy boys and stupid customers. I was in slight pain all day in my throat, chest, and back region, but i didn't think tooo much of it because I tend to stay in pain these days.

Well when I got home I felt absolutley wasted and figured I would weigh less. No I actually weighed 152....Thats when it hit me. This weight is barely coming off because *GRAPHIC WARNING* ....I barely ever "use" the bathroom these days. Gross I know, but anyways...I knew I needed to rethink my dieting strategy for the day. So I took 10 laxatives and ate the following to help the stuff along:

Brussel sprouts: 100

Vegan hotdog: 50

= 150

Okay so you're probably wondering why I ate...well I don't know if I'm just not an experienced enough laxative taker, but the never seem to truly take effect unless I eat when I take them. So that's why. Last time I took them I just drank water in order to get them going and I got bad cramps but never had a bowel movement.

So anyways...I feel really upset about my calories, but I'll do better tomorrow. I promise!

About the "PAINNNNNNNNN!!!!!!" ...basically that whole throat, chest, back pain I was having escalated after eating and I am in mind numbing pain right now. If anyone has any idea why someone might this kind of pain please let me know. It hurts to breathe...it hurts to swallow...to talk....to move.

I don't know if I'll be 150 by tomorrow. I imagine not, but then again who knows...these laxatives could work wonders.

Oh well.....I'm going to bed and praying this pain goes away. It's ridiculous

How Low Can You Go

Well today has been incredibly hard. Why does this seem to be the trend??

These 100 calorie days are killing me...probably literally but obviously I meant figuratively.

I had to work today for 9 hours and it's just insane how much my brain doesn't work any more. I literally CANNNNOT ...omg my brain doesn't work so much I can't even think how to phrase this sentence...I just can't get words out any more or work through problems....i just get overwhelmed. I think people at work know I'm starving myself. I haven't eaten in front of anyone there in months and I'm sooooo much thinner than I have ever been around them. I'm so pale too. Like I was looking at myself today and thinking "I wonder if people are scared by my appearance." My eyes are huge and hollow and my facial features are so big that it makes the thin-ness stand out more on my face. Honestly if I continue to look thinner in the face then I do now I am concerned that will look really ugly, but I haveeeee to get my stomach and thighs in shape. I should take a picture so anyone reading this gets a better idea of what I'm talking about, but I just have huge lips and eyes so I kind of look like a bug naturally, but even more when my face gets really skinny. Plus my eyes look really droopy and exhausted....probably because I am so drained. Anyways I just struggled all day at work and I feel like they knew it was because of my diet despite the fact no one mentioned it. People kept asking me if I was okay.

I just felt sooo stressed I almost cried...like I said...I just can't handle anything anymore.

So I got home from work to see that despite 100 calories for the day I had not lost ANYYYYYY weight. That was hard...it's like since 100 calories is the new norm I'm going to have to up the ante in order to lose weight. I just want to take a cleaver to these blobs of fat holding me back from everything I want. Right now my weight loss feels like one of those dreams where you're running from a murderer, but you're doing it all in slow motion and therefore no matter how determined to speed up your pace you just CAN'T get away. I'm running from this weight, but in slowwww motion and I'm just afraid it's going to catch me.

So anyways my sisters went out with my Uncle for the day and did Halloween stuff....stuff I didn't get to do because I was dying at work. bleh Well anyways I started talking to my little sister. I've previously mentioned that she has always been much thinner than me or anyone in my family and has always been favoured because of it by family acquaintances. Well I informed her that I had tried on a pair of her jeans recently and they fit ...she instantly responded "Well thats really depressing" and walked on. Her words came out soo fast that she didn't have time to make a calculated response....she simply spit out exactly what she thought deep down....that she thinks I'm so fat that it's depressing that I would be able to fit into a pair of her jeans.

I pretty much had just enough time to get to my room before I broke down. It just feels like no matter what I do everyone is going to view me as the fat girl and at best as the fat girl that lost weight. I just want to be the skinny girl. The girl that looks anorexic because she is.

The thing is ...my little sister has NEVER been on a diet. She can't possibly know what eating 100 calories is like...She doesn't know what losing 40(rounded) pounds is like. She can't know how hard I've worked or what I've overcome, but she still was able to demean everything I've worked for in an instant. I feel like I'm worse then where I started now. I feel like everyone around me has secretly been pointing and laughing at the fat girl that thinks she can be thin. That comment alone was enough to make me believe that those thoughts might be the truth. Who so I think I am??? How do I think I can be model weight?? I'm just a fat nobody....

One more thing- I want so much to have someone to share all my diet dramas with. When I try to tell my friends about starving or weight loss they all start questioning my healthiness. It's like when I talk about issues with food I think people think I'm just trying to get attention, but that's not it!!!! I don't want people to be worried or upset that i'm starving....i don't WANT people to know I have an ED....I just want to share the only thing that gives me pride!....my weight loss. I just want the people I care about to be excited about the things that give me excitement. It's like I wish there was someone I knew personally who when I said "I didn't eat all day" would give me a high five and a congrats....not a worried look and say that's not healthy. Sometimes when I talk about what size I want to be I think people think I'm trying to be shocking...but I'm not! I'm sharing my thoughts, my goals, my dreams! Also I want to be able to vent my troubles from not eating without someone just telling me to eat something. I know this is alot to expect from someone who hasn't had an ED, but still. I just really need a friend with anorexic tendencies. I'm thinking about making my bulimic friend my confidant...I know he'll get it....I just don't know how much he'll want to hear about it.

Oh well...It's time to forget this day.

Night

Wow....

Today was hard....today was HARDDDDDDD.

I know this is probably obviously if anyone has happened to notice that I blogged three times in one day, but seriously. I had the day off...I had a bunch of school to do which forced me to stay home..I was weak to begin with so I was going to have to allow myself a little more food today ANDDDD my dad bought papa johns.

Now the whole pizza thing isn't out of the ordinary...seriously every weekend whenmy dad is around there is so much ice cream, french fries, pizza, pancakes, muffins, pies, and cakes sitting around that this shouldn't have phased me, but i think because of the extreme lack of food....I was just overwhelmed ....overwhelmed by food and boredom giving me lots of time to think about the food. Well i didn't eat the pizza if thats what you're wondering....I haven't lost my mind, BUT I did do something I haven't done in a really long time..probably since high school. Chew and Spit. Gross I know. I just cut a sliver of the pizza(it was one bite full) and I savoured it without an ounce going down...then spit and rinsed my mouth with water 4 times before I allowed myself to swallow again normally. I instantly felt so fat. I doubt there was even 100 calories in the bite I had...if I had actually eaten it...let alone the calories that were left in my mouth despite the rinsing, but the whole thing left me feeling so shameful that i felt like I had binged on an entire pizza. Probably 3 calories at best went down...so why do I feel like I'm losing this weight battle. Ughhhhhhhhhh curse you Papa Johns!!

Tomorrow I'll make up for the brussel sprouts and the vegan sausage because tomorrow I work all day and I won't be able to eat. = ) I love work for this reason specifically!

I've decided I'm having brussel sprouts for breakfast tomorrow. Thats probably less fattenign overall than my toast even though it will be a few more calories so I'm pretty excited about it.

This week is going to be really busy so I think I'll be fine as far as days like this go. Althoughhhh next Friday I have the day off also and I may end up having a good bit of homework to do....so there could be a repeat...I'm just going to try and get things done early so that isn't the case.

ughhh I give up for today

These doubts...they creep in

I don't know why after nearly 40lbs of constant and consistent weightloss I manage to feel afraid that something is going to happen that will keep me from losing all the weight. Sometimes I think about it even when I'm showering or driving....like what if all the sudden I wrecked and was never able to be a waif because I died or was paralyzed....It's so dumb because obviously I would have bigger issues than being a waif at that point, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

Anyone who gets dieting will get this, but every time I have an urge to cheat or just eat anything period....I immediately go for my thinspo blogs/videos/pics.

It's sooooo important to stay drowned in thinspo...to me that is the difference between succeeding at this whole thing and plateauing at average.

To anyone who may read this...I have a question. What is your ultimate goal for your body?? I feel like most people in the pro-ana community feel the same about how they ultimately want to look, but recently I've discovered that there are quite a few people on pro-ana that simply look at the stuff for regular diet motivation and only want to weigh a normal amount. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but my ultimate weight loss goal is to have people look at me and wonder if I have an ED because I'm so thin...I just want to be so thin people are shocked that it's me. I guess I feel this need to go over and beyond because I've been so fat and to me it seems like the only way to truly make up for my fat days....like i just need to leave people without a doubt that I am extremely skinny and my fat days are a thing of the past never to return again.

So many girls always sized me up against my sister and acted like she was better because she was thinner than me. So many girls will treat you a certain way solely based on your weight/size. Like if you are a size 2 other girls will treat you with more respect and vice versa.

Perfect example....I once knew a girl named Erin. She practically idolized my size 4 sister. She always commented on how thin she was and pretty, ect. Erin was extremely rude and mean to me....I wasn't worth the respect because I was fat. In a way I don't resent her because I probably wasn't worth respect at a size 12, but I just can't wait till i see these people again and I'm a zero. I think they'll kiss me feet...metaphorically speaking.

Journalling these thoughts and reading my thinspo AND listenign to depressing songs makes this all so much easier haha

Oh and btw....I think the reason today is so hard is because it's the first day in forever I've had nothing to do but online tests which requires me to stay home all day ANDDDD I deleted my Facebook two weeks ago and I'm in serious withdrawal, but to give up now would seem embarrassing...Plus I've realized that without facebook I spend a ton of time on thinspo stuff instead which is better AND it's given me good motivation because I won't let myself bring it back until I hit 140. Which i plan on doing in about 2 weeks....so we'll see.

Like I said....today is a struggle...so I may be back before the day is said and done! = )

So it's 1pm and I already failed

This morning I felt soooooo weak. It's gotten harder to get out of bed every day simply because I feel so sore and tired. I know these 100 calorie days are tough but if I do anything different I feel like a failure. So I knew I needed to eat something today....So here's what I've had for the day and just keep in mind that i'm not eating anymore for the day.

Toast: 100

Vegan hotdog: 45

Brussel sprouts: 100

=250... = (

So I immediately went upstairs and took some laxatives...Oh gosh I hope this doesn't ruin me getting to 150/149 by Monday. I won't be able to have a normal weigh in tomorrow because I have to work too early....So my Sunday I should be 150 but my original goal was to hit it by Monday...so whichever comes first is fine.

Today I weigh 152....barely. I'm just scared that I won't be able to get down enough by Monday.

I think all the extra stress and everything is based off the fact that I am nearing my all time lowest weight and this has traditionally been when I always screw up. I know I'm so much more mentally into this then I have been in the past, but I'm still nervous. I just hope that exlax pushes everything through. I know I'll still get the calories but I want to free my system of everything. Hopefully since I took them now I will get everything passed through by 8pm??? I hope that's not asking too much.

I'm seeing more and more that my true ideal weight is 110. I look through ModelMayhem all the time comparing girls at my height and their weights and 110 is what I've always wanted to look like.

This girl is 100lbs and 5'8 -

http://modelmayhm-7.vo.llnwd.net/d1/photos/101014/20/4cb7c5f1b173e.jpg

and ironically her name is Annie haha = )

I think somewhere around there is where I would ultimately like to be....I won't be there until January/February, but oh well.

I'm kind of bored and frustrated today so I'll likely take to the blog again haha

Until next time...

Once upon a time I cared about...

School

Grades

being good at my job

having a working brain

friends

good food

socializing

more than my pant size

the inside more than the outside

issues of the world

good conversation

Once upon I didn't care about:

talking diet 24/7

spitting before I weighed in

weighing myself 30+ times a day

the 5 calories in a stick of gum

how much water I was retaining

sitting on a toilet for an hour hoping to pee a few ounces away

reading hours of thinspo a day

watching several anorexia movies/documentarys a week for motivation

sizing up every person I saw by weight alone

browsing Skinnyvscurvy.com for hours

Yea you get it.

I weighed 153 today which means I've lost 37 pounds. I've got to be 150 by Monday. I've gottttt to! I made a promise to myself I would be 150 by the time my Mom got home from a long trip she was taking and I am determined to stick to this. My thing is...I know I can't eat 100 calories a day for weeks and weeks and expect 1 pound loss everyday. So I feel like I need to have two days where I eat about 400-500 calories. like maybe Monday and Tuesday I eat that much and then I get back to business on Wednesday. Maybe I should divide the eating days though....like eat on monday, 100 calories tuesday, eat on Wednesday, and then 100 calories for a week.

I just know my system is really week right now. I think eating a couple days a week would make me lose more in a weird way. Because the metabolism boosts would be good.

It's just so hard for me to eat. 1. it feels like I'm not making progress when I do and 2. it's harder to stop once you start than it is to just avoid it all together. Like it's really not hard to say NO to everything, but once you start saying YES to some stuff it becomes harder to say yes and no. I don't know if this makes a ton of sense, but it's my will power issues I've got to work out.

Wow I can't believe I'm almost al my all time thinnest. When I hit 149 it's going to be unreal. I think that's when I'll know this whole thing is real and I'm not dreaming this success...it's actually happening. It's so near....just a few more days! It's really exciting that I'll be reunited with my Mom and hit my mini goal all in the same day. I will be 10 pounds thinner than the last time she saw me! I bet I will look different to her.

Anyways thats whats up with me!

Until next time!

Down Goes Another One...

Well I'm at 154. Here's how the day went:

Toast: 100

(2 cups of tea) ...I tried to cut back since the calories in Almond milk and Splenda probably do add up.

Brussel Sprouts w/ olive oil spread: 150

= 250 calories consumed

Walked 4 miles

= 400 calories burned

Total for day = -150 calories = )

So I would count this day as a success. I also found out I fit into a size 6 skirt!!!!!!! I feel weird. Like I definitely don't think I have the body i thought I would have at a size six, but I guess I never really new what a size six would be like. I just knew I was heading for a size 0. I know what I want my body to look like in the end. I don't know how it will look throughout the journey or what to expect.

It kind of blows my mind that two Mondays ago I was struggling somewhat. Like I wasn't eating more than 1000 calories but ate 1000 calories and really I wanted to eat more. That desire made me nervous sort of because I hadn't had an urge like that in a really long time. The desire made me feel like maybe failure was near AND considering the fact that I will be at my curse weight of 150 soon which I have never been able to get below I was feeling anxious about everything. All it took was that weekend of work to wake me up and realize that I could get back to my toast only days AND that my toast only days would bring me 1 pound a day! It's like for weeekssss and weeks I have been dying trying to get a couple pounds to move a week and now in the span of like a week I've lost like 5 pounds! It's getting more noticeable too. Like my face is definitely thinner. While I am thin I am certainly not what I used to believe I looked like at this weight. When I was 150 before I remember thinking I was just soooo skinny and pretty, but now 150 feels like a starting point to the body I CAN have if I keep working. All I notice is my flabby parts most of the time. Also I totally know where the next 30 pounds is going to come from...my stomach and my thighs. Geeeeez! My thighs are horrible. I probably have 20 pounds on my thighs and 10 on my stomach. I will say though that I'm starting to be able to visualize myself realllllly thin and I love it! It's almost like a high for me! I just love the idea of being soooo tiny.

People are starting to pester me about my weightloss every time I turn around. Everyone thinks I'm developing an ED. Which ummm yea I already have one, but I don't know how to deal with this. It's never been obvious like it is now. I'm so used to being able to brag and feel proud about eating 100 calories in a day to my Mom, sisters, ect. ....and usually no one cares what you're eating when you're really overweight, but now that I'm dropping down everyone is getting concerned. So basically I have to stop talking about the diet. I don't know how to do that. The diet= my life. So I guess I'm just going to have to stop talking all together because the diet is all I have TO talk about. I think about everything in terms of this diet and starvation. I freaking avoided hanging out with friends last night so I wouldn't have to be offered food I would then have to rudely turn down. I have a long lost friend I'd like to meet up with but I'm avoiding it out of fear of having to reject food in front of them and then get them worrying too. My Mom has already asked me to stop losing weight because she says I look fine at this weight. It's going to be really frustrating to get to a size 0 with everyone resisting against me the whole rest of the way.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with not being able to tell everyone that I've lost another pound, ect....

btw...about bulimia. I think this has also been a motivating factor to not eat because I don't want to have to pick up that habit like I promised I would. Well I think that deals off. I will always use laxatives(which I'm aware that they don't actually prohibit calorie absorption) because I've done that for ages and it's what i'm used to, but I can't figure out purging....I'm too scared and i love my teeth too much. Really and truly I do love my teeth. Plus starvation feels safe....purging just says death to me. Plus that seems like a slippery slope...I don't like the idea of eating a ton and stretching my stomach because what if one time I couldn't get it back up??? I would die!! I would seriously feel suicidal!!! panicked and soooooo upset! Starvation is control....control makes me comfortable and happy.

So yea...for now at least I'm safe in my little world of starvation... = )

Until next time...