I don't like being psycho

I feel like all I do when anymore is think about weight. Like I know everyone does alot and even more-so if you have an ED, but I feel like I take it to a new level. There is not one moment within the day that I'm not thinking about calories, my weight, comparing myself to other girls, wondering if people think I'm skinny/fat/ugly. Like even as I was typing this the thought crossed my mind that I might be burning calories by typing. RIDICULOUS! I have been obsessed with weight my entire life but it's never been so constant and such weight(no pun intended) on my mind. I neverrrrrrr pass a girl without looking her up and down and sizing here up in my mind...wondering if she's thinner than me....wondering if she has an ed too.....wondering if she thinks im fat....wondering if guys would pick her or me out of a line up. Wondering if she's jealous of me...if she thinks i'm pretty....if she thinks im skinny....wondering if she thinks i'm skinnier than her. Like I sound like a conceited, self-absorbed bitch and I swear I'm never mean to somoene based on their weight, but it does pop in my head almost like someone with ticks can't help but blurt out certain offensive words....my mind has ticks...I can't help but think of everything in terms of weight and diet.

I'm still 155 today which I expected considering the mini binge I had last night. I'm not going to lie....today has been a toast only day and it has NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT been easy. I haven't had enough to do to distract me from eating. So all I've doen is think about how much I'd like some brussel sprouts and collard greens.

Here's something i've been doing alot....I keep buying groceries...groceries that I may never end up even eating, but i'm so obsessed with food that I just buy tons....even more than I would possible eat ever. today I bought four big bags of vegetable....why did I do that??? I knew it was a toast only day and i had no intention of eating them, but I just want to purchase food so bad! It's almost like buying food kind of makes me feel better ....like it's my new way to interact with food since I'm no longer eating it. I have a pound of spinach, peanut butter, jelly, dressing, pepper, 5 bags of vegetables, grapes, and pears all in the fridge which I have BARELY touched if at all....I think the only thing I've had is some of the spinach and a couple grapes. Like I said....it makes no sense, but it all goes back to the fact that I'm obsessed with food even in it's absence.

I only had toast this morning so I've had about 110 calories. If you include the almond milk I've had in my tea you could say I've had about 150 calories, but i never count the almond milk. I suppose I should start. Drinking the tea today was really important because it's been important to get these laxatives moving through my system since I haven't eaten a lot to get them working. I mean I don't know how other people work with laxatives, but I only have diarrhoea once I eat something with them....and I'll get it every time I eat something until the pills are totally gone and done in my system. SO since I haven't really eaten they haven't really had an opportunity to work their magic and take out everything with them. But the tea drinking has helped and I've been able to move stuff through with every cup today. I know this is disgusting, but weight loss is just pretty disgusting at its core....it's all about shedding the nastiness clinging to our body.

I am 15 pounds from what most people say is an ideal weight for my height....and about 25 pounds from my first big goal. I feel like once I hit 130 I won't feel totally ashamed of my body...I'll just feel fat, but not a hideous monstrous beast like I feel right now.

I can't believe that I was ever fatter than this!!! I know I say it all the time but seriously....how was I comfortable even??? I'm so happy I've come this far...as much as I complain about how miserable I am sometimes I really do have to be happy that I'm back in the game again....I just really believed for a while that nothing was ever going to get me thin again....that I would be stuck at a size 14/16 the rest of my life.

One really good thing happened today that I want to end with. I have a little black jacket that I've always loved because it makes me feel really skinny. It was CRAZY tight underneath the armpits because it was too small, but I always felt so svelte in it. The thing barely buttoned, but when it was buttoned it just made me look locked and loaded haha

Well I decided to try it on because I was sure I would look really good in it now....ummm wrong! It's way too big! haha I don't look svelte any more....I look sloppy. I was sad that it didn't look good because i always really loved that jacket. Actually I've been feeling frustrated alot here lately because I'm swimming in stuff I bought a month ago ...so this is getting kind of expensive, buttttt then I think...who cares....who cares how things fit when I'm skin and bones. When I'm skin and bones I can wear anything I want and look beautiful.

I've never posted pics here because I was so afraid of someone I know finding this page, but I think if I ever get 10 followers I'll celebrate by posting some pics....Hopefully by then I'm really thin too.

Anyways...until next time! = )

Thoughts on the community

Despite the fact that no one follows me....in all the time I've been writing this not one person has noticed my page! but yea despite that fact I have taken notice of not only quite a few blogs, but also many people within the ED community and I've noticed a trend.

There are sooooo many pre-conceived notions about people with eating disorders! Like you don't have one unless you've been hospitalized for being soooooo underweight. Most people with ED's I know don't even show being too thin, but they have the most out of whack relationship with food....and thats what it comes down to with having an ED.

I've been screwed up with food my ENTIRE life....I can't remember a time in my life where I simply thought...I'm pretty and perfect just the way I am. From the moment I knew of the word fat I believed I was because my size 4 mom would walk around our house constantly talking about how fat she was. I believe she also commented on my weight or what I ate as a kid several times....and while I was never even overweight until around 5 grade...I had been thinking I was since I was maybe 5??? I think that my belief that I was fat made me obsessed with food early on and I grew into my weight battle rather than having a weight issue and having to then think about it. I was skinny as a kid....tall and lanky actually, but I confused being larger(taller, ect) than my little sister as being fatter. Also my whole family used to constantly talk about how tiny and skinny my little sister was.... I believe the fact that no one ever used those terms to describe me(despite the fact that I was) stayed like a thorn in my subconscious.

I know my Mom never meant for anything like this, but she did let this happen. I must take responsibility now for my actions that have led me to this extreme fatness in my adult life but my mom simply did not emphasize a healthy body image or relationship with food.

My Dad was worse. He would allows tell me I'd look better with a few pounds off or ask me what I weighed which would humiliate me to no end. He also always seemed prouder of me when I had lost alot of weight as opposed to when I was heavier. He would comment that I had been more attractive when I "worked out more." I never got compliments when i was extremely overweight last winter and I think that actually just made things worse. I mean even when I'm overeating it's just my ED...it's just in a different form. I have so much therapy to deal with once I'm on a salary. Issues with self hate, insecurity, male hatred, and food. I don't know how I'm ever going to stop thinking about food in these extremes. Right now I don't know how I'll ever NOT diet. Like today I hit 155! YAYYYYY! I was so excited and I had told myself that when I hit 155 I could eat slightly normal...meaning around 500-600 calories for ONE day. Well today I ate -

toast 2x's - 200cal

vegan hotdogs - 250cal

grapes - 100cal

Collard greens - 30cal

almonds - 70cal

= 650!!!!!! = (

and as you can see alot of that was bad combinations....like toast has carbs but was low fat...and then I paired it with fatty almonds....the carbs in the bread with the sugar in the grapes......just dumb dumb dumb....I never eat like this usually. So in a panic I took 10 laxatives. = /

I may have overdone it with the laxatives, but this stuff needs to go ASAPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I know calories may stick but I just want to crap out everything....I don't need this junk sitting my stomach. I know I said I was going to purge the next time I ate normal, but I was so scared and I allowed myself not to because of all the hard work I did getting to 155 in three days.

I hope by Wednesday I can be 154. I just really need to lose 5 pounds in the next six days. That kind of loss means toast only days for the rest of the week. I CAN DO IT!!!!!! I just really need to see the 140's plus I told my mom I would be 150 by the time she got home from her trip and she comes home next Monday.

I have never in my adult life seen 140-anything on a scale...even when I've hit 150 I never managed to see 149....and twice in my adult life i can remembering losing down to 150. I'm now 155 and in 5lbs I'm going to be at the point that has always broken me in the past. Of course in the past i was never as determined as I am now, but regardless I'm still nervous and I think I will be until I see that 149 and beyond. I definitely know I'm on a strong run right now....I feel really strong in the diet despite the fact I ate a lot today. I'm really managing to drink my tea and stay away from food. Sleep has been a really good AND NEEDED distraction. Which speaking of it....I'm headed there.

Until next time... = )

A good note...

So I managed to hit 157! = ) Hooray!! Okay so I'm automatically back to feeling dissatisfied once I read that this girl I follow weighs 102lbs....yes, she is shorter, but I'm a heifer. ANDDDDD this weight loss only came after eating 400 calories over the course of THREEEEEEE DAYS! That's right I only had 200 calories Friday, 100 calories Saturday, and 100 calories today. But seriously that's what it takes for me to lose weight. I don't know how people lose weight by eating 1200 calories....like I can't even comprehend such a thing. I feel obese now when I eat 500 calories. Really anything more than my toast feels like sin. Yes, I'm exhausted and my mind barely functions but that's what it takes.

I wanted to be 120 by Christmas sooooo bad, but its just not going to happen. I just can't lose it fast enough....I'll be 130 for sure, but not 120. I just don't know why this is sooooo hard and slow. It's just really annoying to eat 100 calories and be a size 10. Like it's one thing to feel the pain but be anorexic looking. It's another thing entirely to eat anorexic and be fat.

To be 130 by Christmas I would need to lose 1 pound every 2 and a half days.....which in the past I would have thought would be a piece of cake, but considering how slow my weightloss is coming I no longer believe that. I think it will be tough, but I'm going to make it. Basically I need to lose 3 pounds a week. I'm going to cut my calories in every place possible. I already cut my peanut butter out of my diet and I will now stick with that. I should learn to drink my tea w/o almond milk even thought I'm sure I only have around 5 calories of it per cup. I need to measure my dressing everytime and not just eye it. Basically i just need to reel in all the random calories I don't take enough notice of.

I should drink more water also. Maybe chew less gum....idk gum is my addiction.

It's just weird to have lost 33 pounds, but I feel like my body looks EXACTLY THE SAME!!! I cant see any difference any more....I'm so tired of being fat too.

One crazy thing I will end with. I was trying to pick out an outfit last night for work today and I have this purple cord mini-skirt that has always been a bit snug but I've worn it anyways and worn things to cover the muffin top, ect...well I thought - "Oh I bet that will fit perfectly!" So I tried it on....It would barely stay up on the widest point of my hip!!!!! haha It was so loose it just dropped off! I find that really crazy. I mean that thing was tight! and I thought I was hot stuff in it too....so how is it that this much thinner I manage to feel the ugliest?? I'm so weary of it all

Oh well...until next time! = )

Beaten down...

Is it just me or does my blog get more depressing every post....Guess I should work on that...Sorry :/

But I have to tell you today is depressing as well.....I'm 158. Yes I lost another pound but at an excruciatingly slow rate. It's like I'm plateauing.

Here's how the week went:

Monday I binge ate basically...yes, I ate only vegetables, but entirely too many. I ate about 1000 calories which I would say is the most I've eaten since I started dieting but I know why. No one in my house has been buying the type of groceries I need to diet or eat vegan so I had run realllly low and I had this underlying nervousness about the fact there was no food in the house so I ate up every last little bit of reserve I had ....I have no clue why my mind kicked into this mode, but basically I had a potato, some potato/mushroom/green bean blend, brussel sprouts, peas, a salad with a 40 cal. dressing, and toast w/ PJ+sugar free jam

and probably something else i forgot to add....CRAZY!!!!!!! I can't believe all the carbs...I had not been eating potatos for that very reason. Well I learned a lesson....thats all I can say.

I did end up running that night...around 4 miles....so I think that made up for a good bit.

Tuesday was about the same...maybe a little less, but not by much.

Wednesday was probably a 600-700 calorie day. Still bad.

Thursday was okay ...I think I did about 400.

Friday I was already determined and frustrated still after this horrible food week...So I just ate about 230 calories.

And today(Saturday even though it's technically Sunday now) I had 110 calories. = ) Finally success. I mean I guess a true success would be no eating, but whatever. I aim for toast only days and thats what I did today so I'm proud. = )

This week though I did decide something....I have got to start purging. The next time I eat something I shouldn't I am going to have to force it up no matter how difficult it may be. I had realized this was going to be necessary this week and then ironically tonight at work I found out that one of my friends at work is bulimic. I felt really sad for him, but in a sick way I was even more inspired. I knew that if he could do it...I could too. It's just scary...I'm insanely obsessed with my teeth and I'm scared of hurting them or losing them. I'm scared of ruining my throat. I'm scared of becoming as obsessive about the activity as I am with dieting as a whole.

The thing is...I don't like eating alot. Thats one of the highs I get off dieting is that feeling of starvation. I love hunger....thats not why I eat. I eat because I just enjoy the action of eating and taste. But I know I won't ever be able to binge eat like some people do with 9342858374 calories or anything. I also know I will never be able to purge on the foods people advise purging with. I can't do dairy and I don't like any of the foods people typically list so it wouldn't be worth my time to eat them. The things people say NOT to purge are the only things I like to eat. Vegetables, spicy foods, salads, toast.....thats all I eat. If I purge it will be with those foods. I guess I'm just going to have to drink a TONNNN of water in order to aid in the purging process.

I'm just so upset that the end of October is like 2 weeks away and I am almost 30 pounds from my goal. I'm not even mad at myself as I am really mad at my reatrded body for not responding properly to my lack of food. Like why aren't you fucking dropping these pounds!!! I barely feed you!!!!! and you can't drop more than 1-2lbs a week!!!!! thats how much regular dieters lose!! This is why the purging is necessary. For the next two weeks at least....anytime I have anything OTHER than my toast....I'm going to have to purge it. This will be hard....VERY hard, but I've got to learn this sometime....might as well start now. I think on Monday I'll start with my breakfast. No one will be home so I can have some privacy to figure this out.

Any tips or advice would be nice.... :/

Until next time...

I am so empty...

I am 159. This was supposed to be so happy. I am so much thinner than I ever was and I am only pounds away from the thinnest I've ever been...but I've only managed to feel worse. I am so torn inside....It's like I haven't been truly happy in so long I don't even know what that looks like. I can't believe how messed up my life has gotten. I just feel so lonely...so unimportant....so much like I've felt at all my fat weights. It's weird but I still associate getting thinner with getting closer to happiness....and i still believe that happiness will be here when I hit 120, but I do realize that the thinner I've gotten the less happy I have also gotten. I still don't think it has much to do with my weight though. It's like my weightloss has given me something to live for in the midst of all this sadness. It's the one thing I can count on. I know that no matter what I will hit 120 or less with time. I have learned to be patient. This weight isn't coming of overnight. In fact this is the slowest I have ever lost weight, but all this time has taught me to be patient. This time has made this weight loss something permanent. It's so weird to think that a couple months ago I felt panicky all the time because i was so scared that I was going to start gaining this weight back....I was just soooooo afraid of this weight and I wanted nothing more than to be a waif. The thing is...I couldn't have handled being a waif then...I couldn't have handled success. This whole thing is a learning process....Everyday I deserve an anorexic body slightly more....and in time I will be rewarded one. It gives me hope to write about these dreams....to talk about a reality I CAN COUNT ON FOR ONCE. The one thing I can control and be sure of is my own will power. I will say though that eating only toast used to be so easy. actually this is an issue I've been having...I tell myself that I used to eat toast only all the time but i know that wasn't completely true...I used to eat it like 3 days out of the week....which still is ALOT better than now, but I just wish I had kept a more accurate record of my eating habits at that time so I would know for reference just exactly how my eating habits have been throughout this process. It would help me with dieting alottttt more. I need to record it on here, but I find myself not wanting to write on here as if this is some kind of homework I'm avoiding...yet in reality once I start writing I always lovvvve it and I always do better with my diet when I write and spend some time looking at thinspo. The one thing I feel really good about is that in months I haven't eaten over 1200 calories...not even 1000....I would say I average about 700-800 a day. This past week I had one day that stood out to me as exceptionally bad, but even that was under 1000 I'm sure. Sometimes even my failures are encouraging because I still call them failures despite they are successes to most people and therefore I know my mindset is still correct....which is the most important thing IMO. This weekend though I got focused...I had a toast only day for the first time in forever. Today I was slightly less successful but still decent.

toast: 130

salad: 60

grapes: 100

Broccoli w/ olive oil: 200

= about 500 calories

To be honest 500 calories is about what I'm shooting for. The broccoli was me being a fatty because I had said i was done for the day and then I went back and ate that but if eating vegetables is my greatest sin then I'll say I'm doing okay. I hope I'm 158 by tomorrow....I really need that. I took a bunch of laxatives tonight hoping that I could clear myself out for weigh in tomorrow but I don't think they are working...I feel completely normal and I took a double dose hours ago. I just feel like I have alot I could be getting rid of should I truly be cleansed.

ughhh i'm done for today.

"Are you trying to be bad at this?"

Ughhhh where do I begin? Well first off....I've now lost 26 pounds and weigh 164. Thats good I guess. I can't explain it...I know other ED people will get this but it just doesn't feel like success anymore. Like I'm happy to be losing weight, but despite the weight loss I no longer feel successful. I haven't back-tracked once since I started this episode several months ago....and by that I mean I've never gained weight....not even for one day. I've either been maintaining one weight for a couple days or consistently losing, but for some reason I feel like I've gained. It just feels like I'm getting bigger everyday. I don't know how this is possible but I just feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fat. I feel like people are looking at me and thinking I'm a beast....which is weird because on one hand I see guys checking me out all the time and even though I know its happening...it's not like it changes my thought process.....just like seeing a lower number on the scale doesn't change the fact that I feel like it's a higher number.

I guess I just feel like I'm trying so hard to get away from this disgusting weight and I'm still fat and I still have a disgusting gut and I still fit in a size 12....A SIZE 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I fit into size 12 jeans 26 pounds ago....I mean they were skin tight and I muffin topped in them, but I was wearing them.....so how does 26 pounds of weight loss mean that I can fit in size 12 and not muffin top??? Seems like 26 pounds would at least mean a size 8 would fit comfortably. I think the size thing makes me feel the worst. All my shirts fit differently though....and this leather jacket I bought when I was probably 40 pounds heavier almost a year ago....now fits so loose that it doesn't wear right. Anyways I just eat soooooooooooooooooooo much more than I was...and i guess thats why I feel fat. Like today I had the following:

Toast: 100

pretzels: 100

salad w/ 15 calorie dressing: 30

salad: 100

sandwich: 120

sandwich: 110

toast: 100

almond milk: 30

Jello: 10

= 700 calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow! I'm embarassed to even write that here.

I honestly don't keep that hardcore of a count anymore...like I know a rough number of calories for everything I eat and I try to eat as little as possible, but I don't always total my calories everyday.

wow. Well there you have it world....I'm out of control.

It actually blows my mind to think that I have eaten MORE than that before. like pre-diet days.

Oh and also....I'm so stressed about my diet and school and life that I now have hives.

In other news I sort of got my period back today....It still seems veryyy light, but it's stronger than the pretty much non-existent one I had a month ago. So THAT was veryyyyyyy discouraging. my bod is telling me I'm eating better which means I'm EATING......which means I'm failing.

I wonder when someone is going to start reading this or start caring about this blog at all....I'm starting to think it's not going to happen. I guess the real point of me writing this is to get all these pent up thoughts out so this blog is fulfilling it's purpose whether it's read or not, but still it would be encouraging to know someone else got how i felt or knew what I was going through.

Until next time...

"Sometimes we trip so we don't fall"

Okay so today was reallllllllllllllllllllllly discouraging. I've been seeing this trend of eating more developing with me. I've just gotten comfortablt with eating 500 calories or more.....let me rephrase that actually. I'm NOT comfortable with it...I'm extremely down and depressed about it, but I guess i've lost the self control I had for a while there. I remember I used to look at other girls pages and be like "How can they eat that much and feel like they are on track???"

I guess its not that I feel I'm on track, but I'm still committed to this. Tomorrow I am determined to get my groove back....I seriously miss the feeling of being faint and sick. It really did make me feel beautiful. wow! .....Ummm as I typed that last sentence I had a revelation. For the first time in a long time I've been happier in every other aspect of my life! thats what it is! When I'm happy I'm eating....when i'm depressed and down I starve myself!! I wasn't going to write tonight but I know how much this helps me in this whole process to just verbalize my feelings....It helps me to realize things I didn't know I was feeling had I not had to describe them. Well this is one such instance. I'm going to have to bring back the sad music and such...if it keeps me thin I guess nothing else matters.

There is a realllllllllly good looking guy that works in my mall. I recently told people how I had this crush on him and then this weekend I found out he was a model. I was soooo embarrassed. So embarrassed that people think I'm a pathetic fatty lusting after some guy that's completely out of my league. Ughhhh.....I just instantly felt over him or any thought I'd had of pursuing him. I just hate that I have all the potential in the world to be really pretty but I'm trapped in this disgusting body.....AND now I've been slipping up in my diet!! Ughhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! whats wrong with me. I've been stuck at 167 and instead of fighting to be at a more acceptable weight I've been okay with staying this unattractive pathetic girl.

When I get to 120 I can have anyone I want......thats 47 pounds away.....That just feels impossible....especially considering the fact that I'm stumbling at around 25 pounds right now.....

But no! this is not happening!! I am not surrendering to this! I am facing this head on. I am going to write out exactly what was eaten on this binge today.

Toast: 120

half a sandwich: 40

salad 3x's: 200

half a banana w/dark chocolate: 100

toast: 120

Sandwich w/ vegan cheese: 130

Grapes: 100

= 810??? I think

I can't remember everythign to be completely honest, but I can tell you that the only things I eat are toast, spinach salads w/tomotoes and this really light vegan dressing, and sandwiches with vegan mayonnaise that only has 10 calories plus bread thats 35cal a slice and 40calorie vegan cheese.....and I eat grapes....So basically I couldn't have eaten over a 1000 calories....I guess this wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Let me give you all a tip - Go vegan. Not only will you be saving innocent life and preventing animal abuse....you will also have a great reason for not eating certain things with people. Also vegan foods are sooooooooooooooooooooo LOW FAT. When i say I binge ate today and then you see that I still had under 1000 calories....you know thats got to be the way to go. Honestly I stayed stuffed all day. I was eating like every hour, but everything is so low fat and it just runs through you. Anyways....thats just my tip. Oh and let me emphasize...vegetarian is NOT VEGAN. I was vegetarian for 5 years before going vegan and I stayed fat that whole time pretty much. I think it would be prettttty hard to be a fat vegan. I mean I'm fat but im losing weight....I guess I'm saying it would be hard to stay fat and be a true vegan.