Crash and burn

Okay first off I would like to apologize for being no encouragement to anyone that reads this blog. I'm a failure in so many ways, but I refuse to let the mistakes of the past discourage me to this point any more.

This week has been hell. Literally. Like I wanted to die at one point.

You know how I said I don't log onto blogger when I'm failing at my diet because I get too upset and discouraged? Well its been like 10 days since I logged on. Thats been basically 10 days of binging. Even though the 8th was the last day I was on track with dieting it feels like yearssssss ago. I feel sooooo far from success or decency.

Basically the 8th was a bad day for me. I came home from work mad about a number of things and when I stepped on the scale expecting to see 139 I instead saw 141. Now I know that 141 was not my true weight because I weighed 140 that morning and so it had to be water retention or something, but I blew up and ran to the kitchen where I began a massive binge which pretty much continued the whole weekend. Monday I did 100 calories and THOUGHT I was getting back on track but NO....Because on tuesday I possibly ate 5000+ calories. I ate so much I literally cried. I didn't purge either. Idk why....I just couldn't do it. Didn't want to really.

I kept telling myself I would do 100 calories and I kept not doing it. Some days I would make it the whole day and then right before bed I would binge. It's like I had given up and resigned myself to being fat, but I've had it. Yes, I'm still really wanting to go binge right now and I don't know why I can't get control of those wants, but at least I'm not indulging myself in them.

I weighed myself this morning. I weigh 147. Now I'm going to be completely and brutally gross so just skip this next bit if you want, but I feel like at least part of that is weight that I will lose in the toilet. Sorry, but it's true. After eating everything in site for days I'm definitely backed up because my system is just not used to it.

I MISSSSS feeling skinny. I miss looking at myself in the mirror and feeling good. I miss weigh ins that left me happy. I miss feeling skinny in my clothes. I miss SUCCESS!!

100 calorie days are the only thing I can seem to stick to so that is what I am going to do. When I eat 100 calories my skin is clear and I feel like I'm being good and i feel success is within reach, but when I don't I'm extremely depressed.
I told my friend who also has an eating disorder that when i eat...I feel like I've let the world down. Really this has been an eye opening revelation for me because I hadn't thought about it so simply before, but really I feel like I've let down my family, my friends, blogger readers, and most importantly myself.

Another revelation i've had over this week is that I don't remember how to eat normally and I can't do it on my own. Like yesterday I started the day with the intention of eating about 1200 calories and by lunch time i had started an all out binge and was in tears. Whenever I start eating normally I end up binging.

Another thing that happened this week was that I confessed to my Mom my issues with food. I told her about purging, dieting, my feelings about everything and she encouraged me to talk to my doctor, but I don't think she really got the intensity of the problem. She's supportive of me regardless and thats what matters most.

I'm back on 100 calories and you better believe I'm sticking to it. I feel like it will take around 4 days to hit 140 again. This is going to be EXTREMELYYYYYYY difficult. Like I'm so in binge mode even now that it's really going to take ALOT of thinspo and ALOT of motivation to stick to this, but if I can just get to 140 I think I will be back on track.

120 was my goal for March 2nd(my birthday) and I could still POSSIBLY hit that, but in all likelihood I'll be like 127 by then.

Anyways I'm supposed to do 100(or 150) until next Monday and then I am going to change it up some how, but for now that is the plan.

And to Evie: thank you so much for always being so encouraging. I'm sorry I haven't been the same for you. :/
While the 100 calorie diet obviously works and I am doing it....Just be careful because I think honestly thats where this ED started controlling me instead of the other way around. It was kind of like the double edged sword in my weight loss. On the one hand I dropped weight superrrrr fast, but on the other hand it was after I started it that I even began binging. If you can actually eat a healthy diet(it sounds like you do) than you will be sooooo much happier than this. I wish I could eat a well balanced diet...but like I said it always turns into a binge.