Today was scary

Okay so today started great with such motivation and enthusiasm for my diet, but one aspect I left out of the day was the fact that I woke up at 2am last night and couldnt go back to sleep alllllllll night. I just tossed and turned. This is one of the aspects of the 100 calorie diet i could do without. I hateeeee not being able to sleep. I've been taking sleeping pills for a while now and I guess they aren't phasing my system like they used to. I hate to overdose when i'm already empty because my Mom keeps freaking me out by warning me that being as empty as I am and taking more than recommended I could stop my heart. It scares me because my heart hurts sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. I'm telling you it's this gnawing god-awful pain all day long. It never lets up until I eat more. So after all that and my mom made cole slaw today which is a favourite of mine....I kind of wanted to eat, but I can't because I haveeeee to get well within the 130's before I let myself.

So I went to my room and started watching dieting/anorexia/bulimia things on YouTube. I always do this for thinspo...well I started watching this one Dr. Phil episode I had never watched before with twins and one was anorexic/bulimic...she was talking about heart pains and how it scared her and literally my heart was already hurting so bad and then the anxiety of hearing this girl say that....I nearly had some sort of panic attack and quickly turned it off. This heart business is troubling. It didn't use to scare me that much, but it's so intense that I do worry about it now.

Another upsetting thing about the day was that I had to order a bridesmaid dress for my friends wedding in April 2012. Why was this bad? According to my measurements I am between sizes and so i had to pick between the two. Now this shouldn't be a problem either way because by then I should be for sure at least 120, but here's the thing...the dress could only be taken in three sizes....so do I pick the larger one and not be able to take it in enough when I need to or do I take the smaller one and not be able to fit into it for some disastrous reason. What could happen in over a years time! I could suddenly gain a ton of weight...I could be 110 and not fit in any of it period...I could really embarrass myself come April 2012 regardless of which direction this goes. I just didn't need something counting on my weight like this. i already put myself under enough pressure as it is and now I have real reason to be stressed. I went with the smaller size because I said "I will be thinner and if i choose the bigger one that gives me more reason not to try".

I'm just frustrated because I realize how difficult its going to be to get these next 10 pounds off because I doubt they can come off in ten consecutive days and once we add eating into the mix thats a whole new battle...and besides that I won't even feel comfortable eating food till I see 135 and at that point I'll need to limit myself to the broccoli only diet that I decided upon...I just worry. I worry about doing it and I worry about not doing it. I'm stressed in every direction. I just want to drop this weight off now and have some cushion room. Like if I hit 130 and binged I wouldn't feel bad about seeing 133 or 135, but I CANNOT limbo around these 140's anymore. It's just been 5 days of 100-ish calories and thats enough to drive anyone a little loopy.

Adding to the stress is the fact that my sister comes home in 1 week exactly and I haven't seen her in nearly 3 yrs. Last time she saw me I was a heffer and I don't want to be chubby when she gets here...I want to be like 133. = (

Ughhhh idk... I'm like an emotional rollercoaster. My mind tells me to just let Ana do her thing and everything else will be fine, but my gut(obviously) is telling me this is heading towards a horrible crash if I don't eat now or work out some better diet.