Long time no see

I've said before that if I ever don't post it's because i'm not dieting and I'm too ashamed to even look at blogger. Well I pretty much failed dieting over the holidays. I may have even binged right after my last post in December, but anyways I'm somewhat back.

Basically I maintained 144 over the holidays which is actually good considering the fact that it was the holidays AND I stayed with a friend for a week...but you know how it goes. Obviously I'm annoyed at myself for not losing. I feel like I've been this weight forever now!

So yesterday my 100 calorie diet re-commenced and today I am 142. I stuck to the diet today also so I'm hoping to see 141 tomorrow and 139 by Monday. Omg how many times have those exact words come out of my mouth. I've been juggling these same 5 pounds forever!

It's just really hard....I'm sooooo tempted that I'm afraid I wont be able to hold out until Monday to even hit the 130's. I just realllllllllly need to get beyond 139. If I can do that then I will be covering new ground and motivation will increase, but it's really hard to motivate yourself to lose the same couple pounds you've already gained and lost 5x's!

I just foresee a really hard week ahead of me with this diet. Even if all goes according to plan I still won't be 135 until next Friday. I don't know how I'll do this, but it's got to be done and like now! I'm miserable with my body right now! I'm a whale! Aside from this diet my self esteem has never been lower. I just have been really depressed purely because I feel hideous looking. No amount of skinny will cure my ugly, but hopefully it will help.

I don't know why the last 20 pounds is proving to be so hard, but I told my Mom today "This diet is like a marathon and even if I ran 22 miles...who cares??.. because you didn't finish the marathon!" and that really sums it up. Yea i'm much thinner, but if I don't get to 120 why does it even matter.

But anyways all this is why I haven't been posting or checking blogs. Sorry