The Impatience Problem

I am the most impatient person....I want things instantaneously and I get disappointed when unrealistic goals are not met.

I hit 138. Random....I wasn't expecting that but I stepped on the scale for probably the 100th time today and saw 138. Shock. Happiness. Pure Joy.

The problem is I am extremely hungry and totally ready to binge. Now I know that this is not what I TRULYYYY want, but regardless it's what I'm tempted to do and whenever this happens it makes me start thinking about how I let myself get to this point! I always do this to myself! I starve...I eat far less than most anorexics even and I plan on 1lb weight loss every day....and when I(an imperfect person) cannot meet those demands I put on myself I explode into binging maniac and nearly suicidal freak.

Why can't I eat 500 calories and just steadily lose the weight? I ask myself this alll the time, but the same arguments end up running through my head. Five hundred calories would be good if I wasn't so fat, but i'm so fat that i HAVE to get "such and such" amount off and THEN i can slow things down...I never end up reaching that point where I can slow things down...never. I was supposed to reach that point at 160...then at 150...then 140...and now I'm 138 and still feel no where near that point. Then I think well why not do it anyways. Then I start thinking about what I could eat with 500 calories and it doesn't seem like very much so I'm like "Why eat so few more calories and NOT lose a pound a day ...I might as well just hold on to my 100 calories as long as possible and get it over with." of course the hundred calories does work because it's gotten me this far, but oh dear heavens....to think of 1 more week of this. I have GOT to get better at purging or i'll never make it. NEVER.

I SERIOUSLY NEED TIPS FOR PURGING! I'm going to have to do it either way and maybe some better tips will help me not bust any more blood vessels in my freakin eye. ugh

To say I'm a little cranky from hunger would be an understatement right now.
I will stop taking it out on here....I just pray I don't binge tonight. Prayyyyy.