Well, Well, Well

The title comes from Duffy haha She's really grown on me.

Anyways I'm 141 today. So I am doing much better than what was even expected. I'm probably going to be 140 tomorrow and 139 on Tuesday so everything is going according to schedule!

I will admit that even tough I am sticking to the diet and most of my focus has been regained...I'm still struggling a little. Like for example there are cookies downstairs and I was soooooo tempted to eat them(It's not even a part of my vegan diet!) ...I obviously didn't, but a few weeks ago it wouldn't have even crossed my mind to eat them. I knew I wanted skinny more than anything else.

Also I'm not even sure I can see myself ever gettign super skinny. I'm obviously going to keep dieting and keep eating right(aka not eating lol) but it's like the idea that I will ever be 115 seems nearly impossible. It's only 25 pounds away and when you've lost 65 that should seem like a breeze, but somehow it doesn't.

I think what overwhelms me is that I set unrealistic goals so much and then feel really let down when I don't meet them. It's not even that I think I can lose 20 pounds in a month, but if I say I am or that I want to...when I fail...I just feel as if I made no progress even if I lost 7 pounds or something like that.
I won't be 115 until the beginning of March at the earliest. I need to accept that and just do my best everyday.

well regardless of anything else i'm going to starve down to 130 and hopefully when school starts back I'll be entering the 120's and from there I think I'm going to start eating 500 calories a day. By that time I'll be a nice weight(at least a "nicer" weight) and i won't feel as much pressure to be extreme.

Anyways....until tomorrow!

Let's not do that again

Okay so ever since probably 2 weeks ago when I hit 139 I have been STRUGGLING to do 100 calories. I don't know why, but like all my will power and motivation was zapped. Like literally I began to wonder if I was going to ever be skinny or if I was about to balloon up. It's like I was binging left and right and I couldn't stop! I was purging a lot and overall I was at a weight stand still, but THANKFULLY last night I just told myself no more and I really felt the will power come back to me. So today I ate 100 calories and omg am I ever happy I was able to harness my will power again. I am finally back in a state of mind where being skinny is my focus.

Now I'm not gonna lie....that whole episode really shook my confidence. I thought I was invincible when it came to will power, but I faltered ....I faltered and it took me two weeks to come back. Now I will say I had quite a few dieting days in between that 2 week period and very few days consisted of more than 1200 calories, but it's the fact I kept trying to eat only 100 calories and I kept NOT being able to. That's just not been a real issue in the past. Like I've maybe had an extra 50-100 calories, but never struggled to not binge. Anyways the damage is that I'm 143. The good news is that I always drop the first few pounds VERY quickly when I start up my 100 calorie diet. So I might weigh 142 tomorrow, but if I'm lucky I'll weigh 141. By Monday I may weigh 139. I'd be so happy if I could be, but that's a stretch. I'm going to do this 100 calories though until Christmas. I'll eat whatever I want on Christmas and then I'll do 100 calories until the 28th when I visit my friend. I don't know how I'll eat when I visit her. I'll probably do around 500-600 calories a day to avoid suspicion. When I get back from that visit I'll have like 2 weeks until school starts. If I could be 130 by the time I come back from my trip to see her I MIGHTTTTT be able to get to 120 by the beginning of school. That would be so nice if I could at least be 125 by the time school starts back(the 14th).

I know everytime I get to a new set of "ten's" I say this, but it's really true this time. Once I get well within the 130's/the lower 130's everything else will be gravy. Everything else will be perfecting and just adding to the basics. The ideal weight for my body is supposedly 140 so that's why i think once I'm in the 130's I'll be above and beyond good or average.

Well I'm going to keep my focus and keep on chugging away!
I hope anyone reading this is meeting all their goals = )

~~~~~~~~~

Okay the reason my title is all tilde symbols is because thats how I feel....up and down and up and down. I'm so frustrated and confused and depressed and annoyed at this point.

I don't know myself anymore....I don't know whether I see reality in the mirror now days or if the reason things appear the way they do is because I wasn't seeing reality before. I feel like a house!!!!!! I'm 143 today. Shoot me. I can't believe how much I've backtracked from a few weeks ago when I was high on life and dropping weight so fast. I'm back on 100 calories now, but I'm not going to lie....it's not hard, but it's not exciting or invigorating either....It's like I'm so over this whole thing and having all my happiness depend on the scale. I've lose like 65lbs and yet I look in the mirror and I feel like I've gained. My clothes are huge on me and my "skinny" clothes don't even fit anymore, yet I feel this way so I don't know what to think.
I feel like no matter what I eat or how much I starve I'm never going to be enough to anyone. I've said before that my Mom knows full well that I only eat 100 calories most days...and she never acts phased. It doesn't bother anyone in my family that I'm starving. Do they love me? Do they want me to die?? Are they unphased because I never look phased by it?
I think this low point and this lack of motivation stems from the fact that I feel it's imposssible for me to ever truly be thin or pretty. It's like I'm unable to attain that level of greatness. I know why I feel that way....because in combination with my families lack of support....I also have to deal with all my co-workers shock that I could be wanting to lose more weight. It's as if they think this is all I could ever achieve.

I can't believe I have to hold on to this diet until Monday to hit 139 again. Forget about holding on until Monday because really I have to hold on until Christmas....The new goal is 135 and I haveeeeee to get there. I haveeeee to!
Yesterday I binged and purged. Because of the purging I didn't gain any weight, btu I didn't lose and weight either. I'm thinking about purging right now. I'm really tempted to go eat something actually. Why can't I do this anymore??? Why am I so unmotivated!!!! What has happened!





......

Frustrating

Now days my thinspo is much different, but back in the day I remember watching that video over and over again wishing I could look like Britney and be that thin. Don't get me wrong ...she is still some major thinspo for me, but mainly because of how I viewed her as a kid/teen. I find myself drawn towards waif like figures rather than athletic, toned builds.

Well I haven't posted alot recently and any time that happens just know that it's because I'm binging. haha It's not funny but I just have to laugh at my own patheticness.

I'm 144 today from all the eating I've done the past couple days. Oh well...I think I'll hit 143/142 tomorrow. I ate 100 calories today and I'm really glad it wasn't too hard. It's so dumb because I can do this diet so easy when i just try at all. I'm so mad at myself for falling off the band wagon and basically screwing myself up. I won't be able to hit 130 by Christmas now I'm sure. I can probably hit 133 at best. That's pathetic, but I've got to look at the big picture.....I hope by my Birthday(March 2nd) I can finally be 115 or somewhere near where I want to ultimately be. As long as I eat 100 calories nothing can go wrong...it's just when I start the eating that I screw myself up. I'm on a 100 calorie a day fast until Christmas day. I will eat what I want on Christmas and then I have to diet for a couple days before I leave to see my friend! Yay! Maybe I can be 130 for that trip?? Idk....I'd like to see the 120's by the end of the year, but I doubt that will happen.

I've got alot of time to diet over the next few weeks on break so I need to make the most of it and that means exercising alot too! I've got to start working out. Oh well....I guess that's all I've got for now. I promise I'll do better!

The next time I hit 139 I'll post a pic of myself....= )Until next time!

Scandalous

I'm tired of feeling guilty for eating a morsel....a literal morsel...thats where the title "Scandalous" comes from
So I know I posted pics earlier but I wanted to do a real blog for the day. Basically today has been very average as far as my diet goes. I ate:

Toast: 100
Vegan link: 45
Broccoli bites: 10

= 155

:/

I wish I hadn't done the link, but I was so hungry. I'm 140 today and I'm assuming I'll hit 139 by tomorrow and then maybe I can make some major headway this week.
I know I had made that crazy goal of 135 by this Monday, but I can definitely see that happening by....hmmm let me think. I guess I could get there by Wednesday if I diet perfectly, but in all likelihood I'll get there by next Friday. That will give me just over a week to drop 5lbs to 130 by Christmas. I'm actually getting really nervous that I won't hit this in time. I'm going to have to kick this diet into overdrive by reallllly getting in some workouts. I'm going to have to work at keeping my metabolism up in order to drop about a pound a day.

Anyways that's where I am...I can't believe how far I have to go before I hit 130....hmmm usually at the end of blog posts I feel motivated and empowered, but writing this out made me realize how hard this is going to be.

Pics

I'm really afraid to share pictures on here because 1. I know I'm not the weight I want to be therefore I'm really self conscious of my appearance and 2. I'm embarassed to face the reality of the old pics, but I know when I read about other people having a bad binge day I feel good knowing that I'm not the only one who has struggled or been down....and I hope that these pics are like that for whoever see them. I hope it makes you feel better about yourself if you're thinner, not so bad about yourself if you're the same, and inspired that anything is possible if you're bigger! = )

Oh gosh if you only knew the anxiety I feel about sharing these.....

The before pic is is from early January and the after is from like a week ago. Theres about 65 pounds difference and I know I should have edited out the crap around me, but oh well...I'm messy.




The reason the second one is yellow is because I took it with my webcam which hadn't adjusted to the light yet....oh well

So there you have it. I hope I'm not a let down or too disgusting.

Only the Strong Survive

Okay so I dieted! I would actually say that do to a few bites of salsa(plain...i know thats weird haha) I actually had 150 calories today, but anything 150 and under is considered a success for me. = )

I'm guessing I'm going to be 142 or maybeeeeee 141 tomorrow based on my current weigh in standings.

I guess I can be 139 by Monday again but this time I'm not quitting for a binge day. I'm actually thinking should the situation arise where I need a breather that I might bump up to 300 calories that day and then resume the next, BUTTTT that would only happen after 138....because I've got to make some progress. This set back is really annoying but expected. I will say though that I feel good knowing that I did hit 139 a few days ago so I definitely can again if I set my mind to it. = )

I have a little but more school to do, but for the most part I'm freeeeeee and I have plenty of time to focus on starving haha

Until next time!

Dumb

Okay so I can't believe it's Wednesday night and two days ago I weighed 6 pounds less. Granted this is mainly water weight and lack of a couple bowel movements, but the fact that the scale could be saying 145 it insane.

Heres what happened. I realized on Tuesday that in order to really get my metabolism going I needed to eat for a couple days and I just was struggling with the whole starvation after eaten the day before when I had all these finals and stress issues on me. So I ate .... I've had less than 2000 calories each day for sure and those days have been mainly made up of healthy foods. Granted I've eaten a ton of carbs, but oh well. I am pretty much done with this semester now and come tomorrow(today) I am in full starvation mode until I hit 130. That's right...I'm not stopping till I see at least 133. I think I could hit something drastic next week. Like I know it says I'm 145, but i imagine once I can use the restroom I'll probably be 142/143. From there I'm just going to starve and workout alot over this break. I'm just glad i have some time to commit to this thing now. I can finally really make some headway.

After eating these past few days you start getting hooked....thats the danger. i'm not gonna lie....tomorrow is going to be hard, but I know i can do it because i will have the time to dedicate towards motivation. = )
I do get sick of having a full belly and indigestion. I'm not sure whether these past few days have helped or hurt because I'm not sure if this is enough to boost my metabolism back up to normal, but regardless I'm on track again. I can't wait for the 130's to be like my new 140's...okay I take that back a little bit because I really want to just blow through them and hit the 120's haha but i'll take what I can get. I have like 20 days until I see my friend. I've got to kick this thing into high gear.

Here we go! Let the countdown begin!

Quickie ; )

Okay so I'm in the midst of cramming for a final, but I can't resist the need to blog! So yesterday I hit 139 and therefore ate in order to bump back my metabolism. I'm not sure if eating for one day will really help, but I did eat around 1500 calories(95% vegetables and healthy foods). I'm not going to say I didn't feel guilty...I totally felt ugly and afraid to look in the mirror all day for fear that i would see I had become obese again. Anyways... I weigh like 141 today and I know that is primarily from the fact that there is still much of the food in my system. I'm dieting again today though. I just hateeeeee the fact that I have to metabolism bumping days. I love when I finally can eat a little something, but honestly the excitement about eating wanes after about 300 calories. Like after a week of 100 calories a day I get really weak and I'm really ready to eat something, but on my "food days" the thrill is drained so much quicker. I'm not explaining this well. Basically I feel more excitement and happiness for longer from my starvation rather than my eating. When I'm only eating 100 calories I feel powerful and strong and like progress is being made....and that my goals are in view....and that i will soon be beautiful. When I eat I just feel the happiness of that bite...that second...that taste...and then it's over and I'm sad and regretful.

Plus wakign up to 1 pound loss every morning is so exciting....omg it's so exciting. So basically I feel at peace with both worlds right now. I understand that I have to eat on my food days, but that doesn't mean to go nuts...it just means eat and eat consistently throughout the day. I think that is good training for when I want to maintain my weight(long ways away). But I also feel at peace with my 100 calorie days in that I really feel joy on them.

I mention this all because before when I was eating 100 calories it felt like if I ate I was going to lose all control, but I've finally come to a realization that I'm the one in control here. I know where I'm going with this thing and I know what I'm doing.... I have control of the food and it's not controlling me in either direction. That was a really exciting realization.

Time for a new mini goal! Okay so I'm making a stretch goal here, but if I'm 141 right now I'm just going to treat that like it's my actual weight and ignore the fact that it's likely 2 lbs of unmoved bowel movements. haha With that being said....I'm going to try and aim for a pound a day again....soooo I'll try to be 135 by next Monday?? I really feel like it won't happen, but I know I'm going to take all the steps to make it happen. = )

I hope yesterday was enough of a metabolism boost. :/


Until next time.....wish me luck on this final! yikes!

"This is the part where I realize that I'm alone"

Refrain - Cady Groves ....this song (at least parts) is my song of the day.

I nearly broke down today. I think my friend at work knew I was about to cry. I don't know why I can't handle anything....I'm worried that I'm crazy now. Why was I so hard on that friend?? Did he really even do anything wrong? He never even got to explain his side to me...
Is this diet even that big of a deal?? I mean I'm not even near a low bmi! I don't know why I've fallen apart this semester in every way, but I can't take anything else. I just want to die...literally.

Well after all the stress of the day I came home and tried to talk to my Mom....I just need to let out some of this stress, but everything I shared with her was quickly shot down. With regard to my friend situation she responded - "He wasn't even that close of a friend?!" and gave me this confused/judgemental look. With regard to my diet she told me to eat something....

If I didn't want to kill myself already that conversation sealed the deal.

The other thing that annoys me is that she throws religion as a solution to everything. I believe in God and I am definitely a professing Christian, but she blames all my problems on not going to church enough or not being close to God. That kind of attitude is the last thing I need. It's like she won't actually hear me...she just wants to throw a blanket solution over the problem.

I know my issues with my friend relate to male trust issues I have which stem from a horrible relationship I have with my Dad. I also know that I need therapy in that department regardless of this friend. I honestly think the reason this all hurt so much is because I used him as a mask for all other failed relationships and problems. I just ignored everything else and invested everything into the instant gratification he provided. I just want to be over this so bad.

I think I am suffering from depression. Severe depression. I think it stems from this diet a lot, but I think there is an underlying sadness that I have ignored for years and I think it's just rearing it's head because the rawness of my current circumstances has unveiled there presence to me.


I wish I had someone I could talk to. I wish I had someone to confide in. Someone who would get it without judgement. I don't have the ability to call up any of my friends and discuss this sort of thing. I might be able to discuss things with the friend I'm visiting in a few weeks, but I feel like she would just lecture me(out of love) mostly.

I'm on track to hit 139 by tomorrow. btw I know I already blogged once for this day(it's technically tomorrow now), but I needed to vent.

I will say one thing more. When I started this diet I thought that all my problems stemmed from the fact that I was fat and therefore people didn't respect me or value me, but I'm starting to see that I had just as many and MORE friends at that time then I do now. I didn't love myself at that weight and I don't love myself now. The number on the scale will never really change that. I've got to learn to love myself as I am ...regardless of my size or weight. This is not to say that I plan on stopping dieting(never!)....I don't know any other way to live, but I've got to make loving myself a priority in my day. I've got to stop looking in the mirror and seeing the flaws first and only. I've got to stop comparing myself to every girl I see. I've got to stop thinking everyone is looking at me and thinking only of my weight.
The people I'm friends with now loved me when i was really fat....so why wouldn't I be able to make friends and maintain those same relationships when I'm thinner.

Okay...I'm really done now. = \

I'll see you at 139 for real this time.

Like an addict

Well I'm 140 as I planned. Tomorrow I'll be 139 and then I'll eat around 500 calories...feel full and gross all day for at least a day or two and then realize I hate it and come back to my hundred calories. It's just the never ending cycle. I do know that I'll never be able to eat like I used to. I can't see myself ever just eating cake without thinking about the exact calories or where I could purge or whether I have enough exlax to fix things later. Is it sick to say I'm thankful for that?

I know many people on here can be soooo critical of fat people, but I don't feel the resentment towards fat people like some people with ED's seem to. I feel really sorry for them and i want to help them.....BUTTTT if they are part of the super fat and proud movement then I start feeling annoyed. I hate people going on about being curvy when they are like 250 pounds. That's not curvy...thats fat and possibly obese! I did see yesterday that my weight this time last year had me with a BMI of 31!! I was obese this time last year!! I'm now 140???! I just have food issues period. I don't know how to eat till I'm full and then stop...I don't know what full is....I don't know how to eat like a normal person. I'm always going to be prone towards being an extreme in either direction, but I know that obese me is gone for good. I will add though that despite being 5'8- 205lbs....I was only a size 16. So it's not really what it might seem when you picture an obese person.

btw...I can wear a size 8 jean now and size 6 skirt. I don't know how that works, but they vary. I still have a long ways to go but i think I can be a size 4 jean and size 2 skirt at 120. I'm just basing that off the fact that I think about 10 pounds go into each dress size. Idk...just a guess.

Before I run...here's my intake for the day:

3 cups of tea
toast: 100
1 vegan link: 45
= 145 calories = )

Thankfully I don't have any more vegan links so that shouldn't even be a temptation.

See you at 139 ; )

The cycle continues

So today I weigh 141. I ate 200 calories this morning because - 1. I was super hungry 2. I thought it would be okay considering I was going to be on my feet for 8 hours. I still feel anxious about it but here is what i have eaten.

Toast: 100 calories
Vegan links w/ ketchup: 100
2 coffees and 1 tea


So yea. Hopefully I'll still hit 140 by tomorrow...and 139 by Monday. I'm soooooooooo dying to go eat a salad or something so I'm just going to bed instead.
Today was a horrible day at work...and depressing too. I'm sad about everything I always mention and I'm having reallllllly weird deja vu. Last year at this time I was loving life...listening to lots of Lady Gaga, being with my friends, and driving to work in lots of snow....my life is exactly the same except I'm without my friends and the other two factors just remind me of the absence....also the fact that I'm not getting ready for a really exciting life in England. Oh well.

Monster - Lady Gaga ...it's the best song fyi = )

Today one really surreal thing happened. I work retail in case I haven't mentioned before and while I was checking out a woman who was purchasing a shirt I owned I commented to her that I loved that shirt and wore it all the time. She then responded that it probably looked better on me because I'm so small. what!? I'm so small??? me?? I'm sure she was just being nice, but I felt so startled. This woman knows nothing of my struggles or where I've been ...she just saw me for what I look like to her...small? wow
I am liking my body more, but the things I don't like will be pretty much gone when I'm 130. I can't wait. It is easier to diet when you're zeroing in on perfection. I think I will be the best stick figure ever....I'm so committed and in love with my own bones. = )

I get excited to pee...

I know that sounds insane and it obviously has nothing to do with real weight loss, but I weigh myself around 50+ times a day and I weigh myself at least once or twice everytime I pee to see if I lose any water weight. lol I know I'm an idiot, but you know how it goes.

I weigh 142 today. I feel so disoriented. I'm definitely back in 100 calorie mode because I couldn't even bring myself to eat a pea. My mom made them for dinner and I was tempted to eat one of them just because I was soooooo hungry, but I know that's a slippery slope. If you say yes to one then next thing you now I'm on a binge. Besides that I'm on a dieting roll. I'm going to milk this 100 calorie streak for all it's worth. I can probably drop another 5 pounds before the weight comes to a halt or I lose will power...then I will eat 500 calories for a couple days and then resume. I don't want to get greedy, but I definitely think that not only will 130 be possible by Christmas, but that I may hit 129 by then. To even hit the 120's would be the best Christmas present ever.

I feel so disoriented today. I've been so starved on this 100 calorie thing that I literally CANNOT sleep. Like I just feel so exhausted, but I am unable to sleep more than a few hours. I've probably had 20 hours of sleep for this entire week. So last night I was sooooo depressed. I was stressing out about my lost friend. I just miss him already. I was contemplating the whole situation and wondering whether I did the right thing. Wondering if he is OK. Wondering if I hurt him more than he hurt me. Wondering if all the pressure he's under is making him as suicidal as I have been. Wondering if he even feels pressure. Wondering if he's mad at me. Wondering if he'll ever miss me and wondering if he meant it all the times he told me he loved me or wondering if that was all a part of his game. I finally managed to drift off after hours and hours of tossing and turning. I woke up like just over 3 hours later ....I was WIDE awake. So weird.

Well I went to the bathroom to weigh in as usual and I had one of those moments where it really hits me how thin I am. I just didn't even recognize the body in front of me. Don't get me wrong....I feel obese and there is such a long way to go, but you know how sometimes you catch yourself at the right angle and you feel like you know longer know that person in the mirror. I had that moment. I've struggled with eating for my entire life as I've said before, but despite my experiences with starvation and purging...I've never managed to get below 150. I am the thinnest I've ever been. I think this morning was the first time I've realized how I really am in this thing....whatever this thing is.

My family is starting to take me seriously. I think they are seeing that I actually am getting very thin and that I'm not showing any signs of slowing down.

One thing that's really been bothering(and scaring) me lately is my heart. It hurts soooooooooo bad and it pounds like it's taking everything it's got to keep going. I know I'm super anaemic....I know I'm starving...and I know I'm extremely stressed....so overall I'm just worried about what's going on there. The last way i want to die is by some freak heart attack. I know this sounds like I'm being over dramatic, but if you knew my health history you would understand. I just have a history of getting freak illnesses. If it's something random, weird, and unlikely.... I'll probably get it. So that all just has me paranoid...not to mention in pain.

I am going to be 139 by Monday. I'm determined. The idea that I will actually see "13-anything" just blows my mind. I guess because even when I was so determined to get this weight off and get control back in the summer...I didn't actually believe I could do it because I never could before. Like I was aware that this was different than my previous attempts because mentally I was sooooooooooo determined, but still.

I think also I feel somewhat fake...like I post here about my food issues, but do I even have diet credibility when I weigh this much?? But now I'm zeroing in on a lower weight and before I know it I'll be underweight and then I'll have the right to speak about this all. = )

I hope if you're reading this you are happy and succeeding in your weight loss efforts. <3

Until next time...

Take it all away...

I'm 144 today. I'm sticking to my 100 calories and it honestly hasn't been too hard. It usually isn't too hard unless I see that it's not getting me anywhere with the scale. I've had a horrible day. I just feel fatter everyday and I'm stressed.

Firebomb

I finally was able to weep a little bit tonight. I feel like I could cry for years, but I try to relieve some of this pressure and pain and I can't. Tonight I spoke to one of my closest friends for the last time ever(complicated) and it just hurt so much I literally was hyperventilating. I just had no option but to really end things officially, but after doing it I don't know why it had to be. I just want to be with him. I just want to tell him why i'm so sad. I just want to tell him how hard it's been without him and how much I miss him and that I'm just trying to preserve myself by avoiding him because I feel like he doesn't care as much as I do...and i just don't want to end up hurting worse later on by dragging this out.

I know the things I'm saying make no sense, but I just have to vent it out. You don't have to read it.

There's just too much pain right now. I seriously contemplated a suicide attempt for the first time in years. I just don't know how to feel better. I'm miserable.

I ate 100 calories today. I got my self control back I suppose. I'm 145. I hope I can be 140 by next Tuesday.

I sometimes feel like I do this not because I even want to be super thin, but because it's all I have....and it's all I have control over.

Idk anymore

Okay so life has been so weird here lately....I don't know whats happening with me. I don't have the will power for this anymore, but I'm so obsessed at the same time that I can't let go for sure. So u eat about 600-800 calories a day now. = ( But I weighed 146 today????? how in the world do I weigh the least I ever have but I'm eating now! I'm just all confused about the diet and life in general.

I have recently gotten really good a purging. This is bad. I feel out of control. Knowing i have the ability to purge has caused my self control to plummet even further. I purged all day long. It started after I felt sick this morning from eating broccoli. I was so nauseous and then it occurred to me that if I purged I would feel relieved...so thats when the binging started. I ate a ton of potatoes, sweet potatoe, oatmeal, green beans, a sandwich....blah blah blah... I got at least 3/4 of it up. I'm not good at following through because I wear out quickly, but I think I get rid of most.

I probably consumed around 600 calories considering what all was digested by the end of it. I'll do better tomorrow. Hopefully I can still be 145 tomorrow seeing as I'm on some kind of losing streak.

Until next time.

Hard days and long nights

I don't know what it is with me these days. I'm eating like 400-800 calories a day. That's not horrible, but it's not what I'm used to and it's not whats going to get this weight off me FAST. The thing is I just feel like I can't do 100 calorie days any more. I still have time to hit the 130's by the end of the month, but I'm not going to get to 120 by Christmas. = ( Theres just no way to drop this much in a month. No way considering the fact that I'm much thinner now and the weight just doesn't melt off.

I did buy 5lb weights you can strap around your ankles and I wear them all day...so hopefully that will help. I also bought 3 pound wrist weights....so hopefully that will help me. They are a constant reminder that I need to keep moving and as a result I get in around 300 leg lifts a day since. I'm still 149. ugh.

I ate alot today.

Toast: 100

Salad: 100

Soy nog: 200 (yikes, but so good)

vegan links: 100

Grapes:100

= 600 calories

I just don't feel comfortable with that sort of number at all. I know some people eat in that range, but those people are usually thinner or have better metabolisms than me. Me eating 600 calories is like those people eating 1200.

I just need to get refocused. The purging lesson the other night helped a lot and I'm so happy I have back up now, but I need to spend some time on serious thinspiration this week. I need to do that and I need to write here daily. The writing helps me confront everything that I suppress in order to justify eating.

I ended a friendship this week. It's just been a really hard week. I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone and I'm so tired of feeling inadequate. I won't ever feel worthy of anything until I'm at least 120. I'll always feel like my weight is the reason no one likes me or my justification for any problems. I know thats silly, but it's my life. I just wonder when I'll ever eat normally. Like I'm not going to live on an endless cycle of starvation and binges, but honestly I have no idea how a normal person eats. I have no idea how much time you're supposed to have between when you eat. If i honestly just ate when I ate hungry I would probably have about 300-400 calories a day, but anything in excess of that is just gluttony. So I can't understand how someone can eat 2000 calories a day!?? I understand that sometimes I want to binge and on those days if I really go wild I might hit 2000 calories, but how on earth do you eat 2000 calories EVERY SINGLE DAY!?? what do those meals even consist of????

Anyways....until later.

I want to get back on the rollercoaster...and I want to go faster

Okay so my worst nightmares came true. I lost control.....basically one week ago. Last Thursday night was one of my lowest point ever. I remember feeling like there was no way I could continue the way I was going because my willpower was no longer strong enough for 100 calorie days and my metabolism was too slow for anything more. So basically I decided that i would take a week off and eat 500-1500 calories a day depending on what I wanted to do and I would simply take the losses as my cost for being so extreme and killing my metabolism. Well over the weekend I ate....all i could think about was food....where I could get my next meal. it was truly ridiculous. I mean somedays I didn't even have 1000 calories but I thought about my food intake so much you would have thought I was eating for an army. This included eating at work...which caused a whole lot of embarrassment and stress I didn't need.

Well come Sunday I had a meeting at my work and everyone that works in the store had to be in attendance....somehow my veganism got brought up and two nutritionists who work in the store started grilling me on my diet and health. I'm not prepared for these questions!! They started asking me what I ate...how I got certain vitamins and protein, ect. They asked me if I had my period...I just didn't know what to say to anything so I answered pretty honestly expecting them to not overreact, but low and behold they practically shout responses about my lack of a menstrual cycle to the point where male co workers were looking. I was so humiliated and the conversation got really tense...I just sat there letting them basically yell at me and one of the girls actually started tearing up about my health. omg!! dramatics!

So anyways my "regular" eating did exactly what I feared.....it weakened my will power. I haven't been able to get back to a normal 100 calorie day since. Granted i was supposed to continue normal eating till tomorrow according to the original plan, but I have attempted my regular diet 2x's and cracked under pressure. I know my metabolism is better, but I just can't get my will power in shape.....THEN.....tonight happened.

I was trying to eat only 100 calories and had been really successful until the thought hit me that i reallllllly wanted potatoes. and I realized I could have them if I purged. I wanted them so bad I thought....I'll do anything for them! So I made them and after getting ready to consume them I thought....Are you really willing to purge this....can you do it? and i started to consider throwing them away. Then I decided that before I threw them away I would allow myself one taste because i knew they would be lovely. Oh it was soooo good. I quickly began to devour the contents of the dish. Next thing you know I felt sooooo full that I ran to my bathroom and began pushing my fingers back my throat. I was so nervous and afraid i wouldn't be able to recover those calories that I continued the torture despite my fears. Next thing you know I was throwing up jello from earlier haha....I thought it was blood at first and it scared the crap out of me haha I continued to purge up tea i had to drink and water ....and finally the potatoes came....which was weird because I thought my most recently consumed food would come first but it came last. I only got about half the potatoes purged before i called it quits, but I learned alot and the potatoes weren't too bad coming up. I went back to a bowl that was still half full and thought I can't finish that, but about 10 minutes later i had eaten them all and was back in the bathroom purging again! This time I was even better. I got almost all of them up I think. I continued eating aqnd purging selectively throughout the night. It was as though I was excited to practice my new skill.....as sick as that sounds. I realized that hope is not lost. I have amazing willpower AND I now am a laxative genius as well as a decent purger. We all have our talents.

Well anyways....I have devised a plan. Tomorrow I will eat my usual toast and purge immediately and thoroughly. I will allow myself that and one of my vegan links(I realized those are easily purged also) ....if I consume the calories it's still only 150 taken in and if I don't then bravo! I'm a fasting genius haha

I know i can get this weight off now. I just have to make sure that each time I eat outside of my 100 calories (no matter how small) I must purge it till there is nothing....MUST.

See right before I really cracked down on my dieting about a month and a half ago I had a really bad few days where I ate alot...like 600-700 calories....and then I knew I was going to make up for it that weekend at work by only consuming something for breakfast and fasting the rest of the day. Well I did and next thing you know I dropped ten pounds in about a week. I am about 150 from all the eating this week but something tells me that I'll be back to 146 by Monday and I can be in the 130's by the months end. I'm sorry for the lack of updates, but now that I'm totally back in the swing of things and sooooo ready to do this thing! Yay!!!

Heres to serious weightloss!

Looking up!

Okay so I've been in a real slump in case you haven't noticed. This feeling like I'm never going to get out of this weight range has been overwhelming my every thought. Well today I feel like I'm finally back on track. I weigh 146(thank god) and I'm not tempted today! It's weird how those days of temptation just come and go....like yesterday it really took everything in me to not binge, but today I ate 150 calories and I can't imagine eating anything else today. Here's what I've eaten:

2 vegan links: 90 calories

2 cups steamed broccoli - plain - 60 calories

= 150 calories = Me :)

I think I just feel good knowing my back on track. I did feel bad about the amount I consumed as far as the volume of food....like it wasn't alot of calories, but it was a large quantity of food regardless....so I took 2 laxatives to clear it out. I know I said I wasn't going to do that anymore, but I felt like 2 pills couldn't hurt too much and I figure part of my screw up on pill days is that I consume 300+ calories and I just ate 150 today so I think I'll be good. I just want to empty myself out. I hate feeling full!

I've decided to create a new goal because you know how much I love goals! haha

I would like to be 135 by thanksgiving. Is that and insane stretch that will never happen? YES! Am I doing this massive stretch goal to strive to do my very best and not feel like I can slack off on any day?? YES! Will I reach it by the 25th? Probably not, but I hope! = )

So that's like 10 pounds in 13 days I think. haha No way in the world, but oh well. I just want to be in the 130's by Thanksgiving. If I'm 139 I'll take it.

One last thing. I see alot of things on here that I know are a direct result from someones poor self esteem, and most of the time I think nothing more of it other than the fact that they must be extremely miserable inside, but this week I read some insanely harsh words on a blog I follow. The girl ridiculed people who are poor, weigh more than her, and "ugly" people. I realize she must be in alot of pain to lash out at indirectly at the world, but I couldn't help but feel that other people could be reading that sort of stuff and feel they fall into those categories and therefore feel pathetic. It just leads to a cycle of mean. I just want to say to anyone reading that they should never feel bad about themselves because of someone else's insults towards you. People who say things like that say it from a place of hate for themselves and you just get the results of that hate. So never let something like that make you feel less than. = ) I know that's random, but it just really bothered me that so many people could be hurting because of someone else's pain.

Anyways I may blog more tonight...I'm back in dieting mode and that means blogger is my best friend. ; )

Confused

I don't know what to do anymore.....Tomorrow will tell me alot, but I=basically I just don't seem to be losing weight. I understand that my body is probably tired of this 100 calorie business and my metabolism is shot to pieces, but I don't get why I'm stuck at 147 and why have I been stuck between 147 and 148 for twoooooo freakin weeks!!

Basically I'm contemplating my dieting strategy. I've read that when you hit a plateau you need to change up your routine, but everytime I tell myself that eating more calories will HELP me....a little voice in my head pops up and says..."don't believe the lies! thats just your hunger talking"....and then I feel like my will power is pathetic and I feel defeated and confused and frustrated. I just reallly am at a loss for what to do. If I saw 146 tomorrow I would say that this was just a rough patch and I'll stick to my 100 calorie days, but if not then I'm switching to the ABC diet...which as insane as it sounds...I'm going to feel guilty about eating that many calories!

As for tomorrow I am pretty sure I'm going to try and eat my 100 calories in a different form....like instead of my toast I'm going to have some broccoli and a vegan hot dog. I think the difference in protein and carbs will probably make a difference. I'll continue my 100 calories throughout the weekend and depending on my weightloss come Monday...I may start the ABC diet or I may just continue doing 100 calories until I get in the 130's. The way things are going I have a hard time seeing that I'll be 120 by Christmas. = ( I can officially say I'm the most discouraged I've been this entire diet. I just feel like everything is slipping away and falling apart.

Just One of Those Days..

Today is just....frustrating.

I'm mad at myself because I screw myself over everytime I get caught up on the pills.

Basically I ate more yesterday....not even a binge...just what used to be considered a normal day. I can't remember how I consumed all the calories now, but it was 500 calories. Mainly I ate plain broccoli and a few other steamed vegetables. I didn't even eat anything bad, but I instantly felt frustrated that I had consumed more than my 100 calories and so I took 4 laxatives. Not too drastic, but still once the laxatives come into play there is always more of a set back, but I can't help myself but resort to them everytime because I get panicked and desperate to have my system empty. It's not about the calories because in my mind 500 calories doesn't even sound bad, but it's the fullness....the idea that there is alot of food in me. I hate it! I want the emptiness back asap!

So anyways that happened and then today I continued flushing my system out and stuck to 100 calories. By tonight I was back to 147, but then I decided that just for extra measures I should take some water pills and reallly flush out any excess liquids....Well whenever you take the water pills you have to drink a lot....so I did and I'm not peeing enough now I don't think....I drank like 40oz of water ....I should be dying to get to the bathroom but ever since I drank that several hours ago I haven't gone that much and just now I weighed myself at 151....Obviously it's water, but if I've somehow screwed myself up to retain MORE water by taking the pills improperly...I'm just going to be really mad. Basically I'm done with pills. I know I say that everytime and then I go right back, but I seriously need to be done. THEYYYY are screwing me up...not me...I'm doing good. It's the pills that screw up my progress everytime!

I know that's a whole lot more info than anyone cares to read, but I'm just venting. : /

I want to be 145 by Friday....at least. I know my metabolism is so screwed up at this point that the weight just doesn't want to budge like it once did, but I can't eat more...I'll just psych myself out and screw up everything. For ME .....eating any more than my toast just feels like I'm getting farther from my goals and I neeeeeed to see the 130's soon before I get so discouraged that I never make it out of this pit. Plus I bought clothes in smaller sizes when I was dropping so quickly that I thought I would be in them in like a week, but now I'm still the same and I want to wear them!

I won't complain anymore....Sorry for being so whiny. In the words of Monica -It's just One of Dem Days.... haha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEh4eWJPT0U ...classic = )

We all fall down

Okay so today I ate the following:

Toast: 100

1 almond: 6

Some blueberries: 10

Jello cup: 10

Bite of rice cake: 15

Load of water

3 cups of tea

= 141

So not tooo bad, but not too good either. I'll do better tomorrow. I mainly tried the rice cake in an attempt to see whether that could replace my bread for my toast and I think it can so maybe now I'll be at around 70 calorie days! Either I can eat just the 70 or I can use my other 30 calories for something else....like Jello or 4 almonds haha

Anyways....I am 148 today....nothing new. Hopefully in the next couple days I can get back to being normal and dropping a pound a day. I can't wait. I feel like I look thinner, but maybe this water retention is still getting to me. I can't remember of I mentioned that I bought water pills last night and they are helping me get rid of all this fluid retention. Oh well...I'm on my way.

I did think of something happy today. Well ever since the binge I've kind of felt like maybe this whole dream wasn't going to actually happen, but I've kept on going through the motions regardless....well today I'm starting to feel like my old self again. I know this can be a reality! The happy thing I thought of though was that even if i don't hit 120 by Christmas...I will still definitely be in the 120's by then and I just felt really happy knowing that I would be there. At 122 I become "underweight." So only 26 more pounds till I'm there.... = )

It's not that far if you really think about it...considering how far I've come. These next 28lbs are about to see a tragic fate haha

Hope you're doing well in your dieting ventures!

= )

Oh gosh...

Well I didn't write the past two days for good reason. I'm all out of whack.

This is going to be short...I think...because I'm just exhausted and annoyed with food issues.

Basically i woke up Thursday and I was surprised to realize that I wasn't even hungry or craving food....it was amazing. I almost decided not to even eat, but then I decided to just stick to plan because not eating all together could be dangerous considering how weak I've been. Well everything was fine and my diet was in check when all the sudden that evening I decided to try and eat normally...or at least like I did in the 500-600 calorie days. Big mistake...cause when I'm given an inch I take a mile. Basically I binged....and not even like last time. I binged and I ate everything!!!!! I ate things I didn't even want...I was just putting anything and everything in my mouth. I tried to purge and I couldn't....Soooo I took 20+ laxatives. I think I ate in all around 1500-2000 calories. It was nuts. I was ashamed...and honestly I feel like a part of me died in all that. I haven't been thinking about the diet since...I've been doing it, but I haven't been thinking about it like I normally do...at an obsessive level. This may sound like a positive thing but I assure you it's not. It's like I'm not thinking about it because it feels unachievable and therefore I'm just putting it out of my mind in order keep on living and being. So the past two days I have eaten my 100 calories and I'm in recovery mode from this binge. I had serious bowel issues from the laxatives for two days and today I bought some water pills to help with the water retention. So hopefully I'll be back to my old self soon enough. I think once I see 146 I'll be back in the swing of things. I can't wait.

I figure it will be at least another two weeks before I feel the temptation to binge again...hopefully this time I have learned a lesson and will resist.

WTF!!!!!

Today I weighed in at 147 again ... > : (

I ate:

toast - 100

vegan link - 45

5 grapes - 15

=160 calories

So tonight I decided to weigh in and I weighed 149. What the crap is that!? How is that even happening. I mean I know I haven't truly gone to the bathroom since my whole laxative episode, but really??? really? So I took 6 laxatives to get rid of everything and because I am a sucker for this cycle. The most annoying thing is that I feel like I'm ready to snap today. I just want to eat everything in sight!!!!!! If you told me I wasn't going to gain any weight I think I would eat everything in the pantry....everythingggggggg!!!!!!!! The ridiculous thing is that I haven't felt this way.... I haven't felt this way and that's how I knew I would lose the weight because I wasn't even craving food.

My 100 calorie days are coming to an end. I will definitely do it this weekend because that's always easy since I work, but tomorrow at least I'm eating around 500 calories. You know whats crazy!...as soon as I give in and type that last sentence I start thinking about what I will eat with my 500 calories and the choices start to overwhelm me and then I think..."this is too much...I'm going to get overexcited and binge so I better just stick to the plan." Its the never ending cycle of misery also known as my thought process.

I think the thing I hate the most about eating is that I feel like my family looks at me like...."well she's losing it...guess she's gonna put that weight back on." and even if not that my Mom just is happy that she's been able to talk me into eating and then I feel annoyed that she and food has won.

Ughhh I'm so nauseous and frustrated right now. I wish I could purge, but it's been so long that I don't know how exactly to do it and I'm afraid I'll get hooked...and I'm worried I'll eat alot and then not get it back up. Any tips would be appreciated.

Until tomorrow...

Sum it up

Okay so I'm super tired, but I want to complete my daily writing. = )

So I maintained at 147 which I was happy about because thats what I planned on....you just never know what could happen. My body could have overreacted and held on to everything or I could have retained a ton of water and weighed more.

I ate 100 calories today. I do think I am retaining a little water this evening because when I weighed myself tonight the scale said 148 which makes no sense considering the fact it did not say that this morning and that I've only "emptied" myself more since then. So I just hope my body can work this out because it's really annoying to not drop a pound a day when I'm eating only 100 calories. Losing that pound is the motivation that makes it do-able.

Anyways I'm looking to be 145 by Friday. I think I would be in the 130's by next weekend if I keep everything up! Hooray!

My body is finally starting to look like ...hmmm idk how to put this. I guess instead of just seeing huge blobs of fat everywhere that I need to get rid of...I'm starting to see just problem areas....like everything is shrinking up.

I always see girls posting and they have bmi's of 16/17 and they inspire me so much. I can't wait til my weight is an inspiration....and i don't even mean an inspiration to someone else....I can't wait till my BMI is an inspiration to me. Something that makes me believe I can do anything. I know the day is coming when I put on that size zero! = )

I hope anyone reading this is doing fabulous in all of their goals and thank you Evie for the ever encouraging words!

Hey failure..long time no see...

Wellllll.....not so good. Yes, I did hit 147 because yesterday I was a very good dieter, but as for today...not so much.

I find that the 100 calorie days only last about a week at a time before I crash a little. But like I said last time...I won't crash like the 1500 calorie binge ever again. So instead this was my intake -

Toast - 100

Brussel Sprouts - 360

Vegan spread - 90

= 550

One of the other differences was that this was pretty calculated instead of last time. I knew I was coming near my end and that it would be better to fill up on brussel sprouts rather than eat something else. Here's the bad thing...instead of just accepting the day as having been a slightly higher calorie day I took 10 laxatives.... : / I have three kinds (haha so ridiculous) and instead of taking my harsh exlax I took this gentle "natural" kind....it never gives me horrible cramps and it usually doesn't leave me crazy dehydrated. I think I only set myself back a day. I'm not too worried because I didn't eat a crazy number of calories I'm just upset that apparently I no longer have control over my laxative abuse, but rather it has control of me. That's scary. So what does this mean?? Am I going to freak out and OD on laxatives everytime I eat more than 150 calories??? I don't know anymore... I don't know myself.

I find it weird that I abused myself in this way today because I watched a great show about loving yourself and being comfortable in your own skin and I was starting to think that I need to start changing my mindset...because right now I feel like even if I hit 110...I'll never be thin enough...I'll never be good enough. I see this happening because it wasn't long ago that I thought being in the 150's would solve all my problems....then I got there and I still felt horrible...then I thought if I hit the 140's I would be okay, but no....I can't see myself looking good even in the 130's. The truth is I won't look good to myself simply because I weigh less....I'll only start looking good to myself when I actually love myself...and by myself I mean love my body for the body it is and stop wanting it to be someone elses. It's so crazy because I put so much more pressure on myself then I ever would on another person. I see girls heavier than me and I think they are gorgeous, but I would never express that to myself.

So I guess my word of advice for the day(which I will be taking to heart myself) is - love yourself. No, not in that vain, proud, arrogant sort of way....just love your body because it's the only one you will ever have and love you because you are the only you the world will ever have. It's cliché, but yea. = )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw <-- oh and listen to this because it goes with the theme of this post!

Broken, not defeated

I'm so tired of being constantly surrounded by food. Tonight my dad made these seasoned steak fries....you know....heaven on earth and it smelt up the whole house. Also my boss brought in a whole bunch of Sbarro at lunch. My other boss brought in a cheese ball. I saw people carrying boxes of pizza all day. Also a customer brought in a bag of KFC and just carried it while they were shopping. Also there is a big bowl of candy in the breakroom. On top of all that....I had to smell the food court stuff when I went to get a water.

I think today was especially challenging because today I was especially empty. See I haven't really been using the bathroom(if you get my drift) since the whole exlax binge. I know this is because my system is all out of whack now...so I decided I needed to substitute my toast for grapes to get my body functioning normally and maybe drop more weight. So I basically had 100 calories in grapes and then 1 vegan link for some substance. It worked = )

So I think I took in around 140 calories. It's even more calories than I normally eat, but they were made up of "chore" foods and not something I actually wanted...like toast. Also I only had one cup of tea. So that's all I lived on today. Normally I have lots of tea throughout the day.

So yea it was pretty tough food wise.

People at work are starting to ask alot of questions. I know they talk when I'm not around because if they say the things they do to my face then I'm sure they say more behind my back. I'm being asked flat out if I starve myself. (who would honestly confess this btw???) Obviously I'm way thinner than they've ever seen me and it really is coming off super fast considering how MOST people lose weight. I'm 148 today and I truly am seeing that this dream will be a reality. Sooooon sooon sooon!

Maybe I'm over-excited too early, but when you lose like 50+ in a year I think 27 pounds seems do-able. = ) I will be 147 tomorrow I know. I'm just wondering how long I can keep up my 100 calorie/1 pound loss days until my will power weakens again. This time it won't be 1500 calories....it will be 300-400. I won't sabotage myself again.

Scarier Than Halloween

Well however much I didn't want to blog last night... I'm going to have to multiply that by 10 for tonight. haha

I just need to do this daily though...it's the key to success.

I feel soooooo bad! Being beaten with a baseball bat would feel better. Like I literally am in slow death. My heart is hurting so bad. it has been for about a week or two. I know this is dangerous, but I can't stop. I'm covered in bruises so I ache when I am touched basically. My acid reflux is coming back. Ughhh. And now I keep getting that congestion hearing loss/echo-yness in my left ear like I'm getting a cold or something.

So yea...and my back is aching from standing at work. I'm just so weak. I can't eat more though...because I neeeeeeeeed more weightloss before I can eat some more. I just have to get in the 130's. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! The 130's are ten pounds away!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! I don't know why this hadn't occurred to me! I'm 28/29lbs away from my Christmas goal and I just wonder if I can get it done before then. Oh how I wish.

I am supposed to see my best friend Jordan the first week in January. She's struggled with ED issues and I know she's really concerned about my weight loss, but she lives too far away to know what all is really going on with me. She just knows I barely eat. So any ways we are getting together right after New Years in Boston. I'm really excited, but this is even more motivation to lose weight. I hope by then I can be 115 at least. I am worried about the trip with regards to food. I know it's really far away, but I will be with her and her family constantly for days so I will have to eat in front of them and she already thinks I have an ED so I don't know how I'll be able to not eat without drawing attention to myself.

One thing I've realized this week since the binge is that I am truly wrapped up in this thing...this ED...this anxiety about food...this obsession. I've done this before. I've starved myself manyyy times throughout my life, but this time it's different. I know something is different with the way I'm thinking about food this time. I truly don't want it. Like obviously I want it, but ...ughh I don't know how to explain this. Like for example once summer I lost like 30 pounds and everyday i ate the same two frozen dinners - 1 at 2pm and the other at 7pm. It totalled 400 calories a day. I remember feeling soooo deprived and I was so proud of myself for doing it. I remember licking my plate too.

Well I'm obviously eating wayyy less than that now, but I feel like I eat 10 times that much. I would never lick at my plate for fear of more calories. It's like in general food is a chore...the enemy...the sad point in the day. Don't get me wrong I obviously still have some love since i binged, but even my "binge" was different....and not nearly as big as it might have been years ago. The other thing is I rarely feel pride in my diet...usually I just feel pathetic for being as fat as I am. I just feel really bogged down with this ED I guess.

Oh well.... until next time. =/

Not feeling it

I'm not really feeling an update today, but I know I'm always more successful when I keep up with this "weight loss journalling" or whatever you would like to call it.

Today was incredibly hard. I had to work on my online class all day. I wrote for 9 discussion questions and took 6 tests. In the past I've been inclined to binge eat in order to avoid stuff like this so it was an especially tough day in that sense. I did manage to stick to 100 calories though by only eating my morning toast. I was so nauseous all day though and just emotionally and physically weak tonight.

The good news is that I hit 149. = )

Here is the key to sticking to my diet....Thinspo.......Thinspo. Thinspo. Thinspo.

I literally looked through 60 pages of it today. If I don't spend at least several hours looking at it each day I start to lose focus or forget what I truly want. It doesn't matter what or where I look at it I just have to overwhelm myself with super skinny looking people and slowly I feel excited that I will look like that one day.

Well tomorrow I work and I'm so relieved ...I couldn't bare this sitting around the house, thinking about food routine one more day.

I have created a goal though!

I found out I don't see my bulimic friend till the weekend of the 12-14. That's two weeks....and the little things like this make me feel like creating a challenge = ) I know he's one of my only friends rooting for my weightloss so I want to surprise him by being much thinner when I see him. I'm going to try and be 140 by then! I know I can do it now that my diet is back in swing.

So lets says....the new goal is 140 by the 12th!

On that note...= )

Halloween

So after taking 7 laxatives last night I decided it would be best to eat something today that would be high volume, but low calorie. I needed more food to flush my system clean of the laxatives. So anyways I ate 1 1/2 cups of Collard greens...which is 45 calories, but with a little vegan spread I rounded it to 60. I was doing good until I started passing candy out to the neighborhood kids and I was overwhelmed by a serious need for Skittles. So I had one of those fun packs. I ate 60 calories more then.

So my daily total was 120.

I'm really annoyed at myself for these little slip ups because before the binge I had an iron will...like I wouldn't even lick an almond....which I know licking an almond sounds weird but my dad keeps bags of these smokehouse almonds all around the house and they are pretty freaking good.

So I weigh 150 right now....I just can't believe that 1500calorie day set me back nearly a week. I definietly learned my lesson though.

Here's something I can't stand - I found out Portia De Rossi used to eat 300 calories a day during her anorexic days. Okay...300 calories would be a really bad day for me. So how can someone be anorexic and eat more than me...How am I so fat when I almost never eat. It's just not fair. It's just NOT fair.

I just feel trapped because I think I need to eat some more calories because my body gets in starvation mode, but more calories feels like failure and leads to horrible binges. I just have to keep this tight leash or else I run wild. Also because I've starved so long I know if I were to eat normally my body would hold onto each calorie.

Oh well.

In good news...I have a follower! Thank you so much! You kind of made my day! = )

Chocolate Laxatives

I think they were secretly created with anorexics in mind. I mean who creates a medicine that can get rid of anything you consume....and makes it chocolate. Is there any reason you wouldn't want to abuse it??

I ate 130 calories. I took 7 laxatives....I weighed in at 151 still and I can't take it...I know there is stuff backed up and I want it gone now! I want to be in the 140's NOW....I'm sick of paying for eating 1500 calories. Last night I was up every hour running to the bathroom and I gained a pound. I don't even know why. It's not even like I ate a pounds worth! I think I just feel especially frustrated because I have always screwed up at 150 and I did it again. I know I will eventually get to 149 and beyond...I know it, but it's the waiting. = (

Parents

I'm doing fine on my diet today. I ate my usual toast this morning and I've been continuing to rid myself of the exlax binge, but I can tell theres still a ways to go and my acid refulx issue feels worse...So I ate 2/3 cup of collard greens with is about 30 calories because I felt that putting something in my stomach would keep the exlax flowing out of my system instead of just sitting and eating my insides. I just didn't want it to be anything with calories so hopefully this will just help me and NOT make me continue to gain. I hate that i had to break my rules on the first day back, but I'm going to work those 30 calories off.

Anyways...with regards to the title...My parents are pretty close to me. I tell my mom pretty much everything. It's weird but she knows I only eat 100 calories a day....actually everyone in my family does. It's just not a big deal. Like my mom knows I binged on exlax yesterday....she doesn't know I took 25, but she knows I overdosed. She's just kind of relaxed about it. It's not that she doesn't care I just think she gets it because I'm fairly sure she's played with starvation when she was younger. I just wonder when they won't be cool with things...like at what weight will they be concerned about this. Who knows....but the whole thing has been making me wonder. Everyone else in the Ed community seems so secretive, but I never have had to be really. I mean my parents don't care if I restrict. Now if I was purging I think they would freak, but I don't think they consider 100 calories shocking or unhealthy. Or maybe it's just that they feel I am really overweight so they think I should restrict like this.

Anyways....I feel good being back on the diet. Eating 100 calories makes me feel pretty and powerful and like my dreams are closer....like no matter how crazy my life is or how bad I am at school...I am good at my diet and I will be beautiful. It's just a matter of time.

I told my Mom this morning...even though I just binged 1 day....it feels like I haven't dieted in years! Like I'm finally getting back together with an old friend. I feel brand new and like my old self all at the same time. = )

Here's to being a skinny bitch soon enough! haha

A new beginning...

So yesterday marks the end of the first phase oh this process. I binged. I ate 1500 calories I'm sure. I can't even remember everything i ate, but let me see if I can rememeber.

24 brussel sprouts - 200

3 peices of toast - 200

potato - 300

Grapes - 100

Almonds - 200

5 vegan hotdogs - 250

Chips - 100

Bites of this and that - 150

= 1500

Okay so thats about what a normal person eats in a day....I will say that apparently I must be doing something right because it felt like I ate 2984789374897328947 calories in my mind. As a result of this binge I took about 25 laxatives over the course of the day. Also let me add that I did not eat all these foods at one time. I ate them throughout the day.

I think this all came from stress, feeling really disoriented because my Mom was finally home after nearly a month and she kept pressuring me to eat, also I think the pressure of 100 calorie days just kind of came to a head.

Anyways the good news is that I got rid of most of what I ate yesterday and I'm still getting rid of it. I weighed in at 151 today, but I think it's just because I haven't completely cleared out yet.

Also! I woke up feeling super motivated about a 100 calorie day. I think it was almost good to get that binge out of my system. I mean trust me...I wish I would have only had a 100 calorie day, but this just makes me soooooo much more motivated to do better and I can't wait to lose the next 40 pounds!

This is kind of just like the binge that marked the midway point.

Anyways thats what happened. Yes, I'm embarrassed and sad that i let it happen, but it doesn't change the fact that I am back on my game today.

I think the scariest thing is that this is the first time this has happened in 4 months...and I put so much faith in myself over the fact that I had never tripped up, but now I did....so could it happen again???? this could go two ways.... 1. I could keep stumbling because it happened the once ...or 2. I could never let this happen again and do even better from now on because I'm so afraid of slipping into the mindset that failed me yesterday.

I think I'm going with #2.

Well thats that.

= )

= (

Well today was a bust. I don't know why I feel like a failure even when I don't eat bad. Today I had planned on eating 150 calories....I ate 150 calories, but in my mind I was lusting after everything in sight and so for some reason I feel like I failed this day. It doesn't help that when I weighed in just now the scale said 152. I know that has to simply be water because I just drank 20+ ounces a little while ago, but still I just can't handle if the scale says anything other than what i weighed in at that morning or less.

My official weigh in this morning left me at 150. I MADE MY GOAL!!! somehow despite that I feel deep down like I'm lying. Like I didn't actually hit 150 and that I'm making this up. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I torture myself so, but I've decided I've got to start eating a little more because I think my body is totally holding onto every morsel I eat ANDDDD I am insanely cranky, emotional, and braindead all the time. The lesson learned though is that 100 calories is a breeze one week at a time, but any longer and the weight doesn't move as quickly and I start to die basically.

So the plan for tomorrow is to eat around 400 calories. This sounds so shameful and deep down I feel like I'm commiting murder or something, but I know in the end this is better for the diet. I know it. Also i had been planning on trying to lose 5 pounds a week, but I see now that I just won't be able to swing that. The weight is just not wanting to budge like it had been. So I'm going to aim for 3 pounds a week and I think that some weeks I'll do better than that by eating 100 calories...so in the end i'll still hit 120 by Christmas I think. As long as I hit that i don't really care how I do it.

ahhhhh and from 120 I will just be perfecting. = ) Perfecting down to 105-110ish.

Btw...I figured out what is causing me so much pain. Acid Reflux. This is another reason I need to eat for a bit.

I sound like a failure....I'm going to lose this weight though! I promise. = /

PAINNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

Okay so I hit 151 today....barely.

Today was horrible. I feel HORRIBLE from all this fasting...like my body is just wornnn out. So anyways I decided to eat something a little different then my usual two pieces of toast. I instead had this:

6 brussel sprouts: 50 cal.

1 piece of toast: 50

1 vegan hot dog: 50

= 150

Well I went a little over but I felt so weak I thought I needed it. So I went to work and had an annoying day filled with creepy boys and stupid customers. I was in slight pain all day in my throat, chest, and back region, but i didn't think tooo much of it because I tend to stay in pain these days.

Well when I got home I felt absolutley wasted and figured I would weigh less. No I actually weighed 152....Thats when it hit me. This weight is barely coming off because *GRAPHIC WARNING* ....I barely ever "use" the bathroom these days. Gross I know, but anyways...I knew I needed to rethink my dieting strategy for the day. So I took 10 laxatives and ate the following to help the stuff along:

Brussel sprouts: 100

Vegan hotdog: 50

= 150

Okay so you're probably wondering why I ate...well I don't know if I'm just not an experienced enough laxative taker, but the never seem to truly take effect unless I eat when I take them. So that's why. Last time I took them I just drank water in order to get them going and I got bad cramps but never had a bowel movement.

So anyways...I feel really upset about my calories, but I'll do better tomorrow. I promise!

About the "PAINNNNNNNNN!!!!!!" ...basically that whole throat, chest, back pain I was having escalated after eating and I am in mind numbing pain right now. If anyone has any idea why someone might this kind of pain please let me know. It hurts to breathe...it hurts to swallow...to talk....to move.

I don't know if I'll be 150 by tomorrow. I imagine not, but then again who knows...these laxatives could work wonders.

Oh well.....I'm going to bed and praying this pain goes away. It's ridiculous

How Low Can You Go

Well today has been incredibly hard. Why does this seem to be the trend??

These 100 calorie days are killing me...probably literally but obviously I meant figuratively.

I had to work today for 9 hours and it's just insane how much my brain doesn't work any more. I literally CANNNNOT ...omg my brain doesn't work so much I can't even think how to phrase this sentence...I just can't get words out any more or work through problems....i just get overwhelmed. I think people at work know I'm starving myself. I haven't eaten in front of anyone there in months and I'm sooooo much thinner than I have ever been around them. I'm so pale too. Like I was looking at myself today and thinking "I wonder if people are scared by my appearance." My eyes are huge and hollow and my facial features are so big that it makes the thin-ness stand out more on my face. Honestly if I continue to look thinner in the face then I do now I am concerned that will look really ugly, but I haveeeee to get my stomach and thighs in shape. I should take a picture so anyone reading this gets a better idea of what I'm talking about, but I just have huge lips and eyes so I kind of look like a bug naturally, but even more when my face gets really skinny. Plus my eyes look really droopy and exhausted....probably because I am so drained. Anyways I just struggled all day at work and I feel like they knew it was because of my diet despite the fact no one mentioned it. People kept asking me if I was okay.

I just felt sooo stressed I almost cried...like I said...I just can't handle anything anymore.

So I got home from work to see that despite 100 calories for the day I had not lost ANYYYYYY weight. That was hard...it's like since 100 calories is the new norm I'm going to have to up the ante in order to lose weight. I just want to take a cleaver to these blobs of fat holding me back from everything I want. Right now my weight loss feels like one of those dreams where you're running from a murderer, but you're doing it all in slow motion and therefore no matter how determined to speed up your pace you just CAN'T get away. I'm running from this weight, but in slowwww motion and I'm just afraid it's going to catch me.

So anyways my sisters went out with my Uncle for the day and did Halloween stuff....stuff I didn't get to do because I was dying at work. bleh Well anyways I started talking to my little sister. I've previously mentioned that she has always been much thinner than me or anyone in my family and has always been favoured because of it by family acquaintances. Well I informed her that I had tried on a pair of her jeans recently and they fit ...she instantly responded "Well thats really depressing" and walked on. Her words came out soo fast that she didn't have time to make a calculated response....she simply spit out exactly what she thought deep down....that she thinks I'm so fat that it's depressing that I would be able to fit into a pair of her jeans.

I pretty much had just enough time to get to my room before I broke down. It just feels like no matter what I do everyone is going to view me as the fat girl and at best as the fat girl that lost weight. I just want to be the skinny girl. The girl that looks anorexic because she is.

The thing is ...my little sister has NEVER been on a diet. She can't possibly know what eating 100 calories is like...She doesn't know what losing 40(rounded) pounds is like. She can't know how hard I've worked or what I've overcome, but she still was able to demean everything I've worked for in an instant. I feel like I'm worse then where I started now. I feel like everyone around me has secretly been pointing and laughing at the fat girl that thinks she can be thin. That comment alone was enough to make me believe that those thoughts might be the truth. Who so I think I am??? How do I think I can be model weight?? I'm just a fat nobody....

One more thing- I want so much to have someone to share all my diet dramas with. When I try to tell my friends about starving or weight loss they all start questioning my healthiness. It's like when I talk about issues with food I think people think I'm just trying to get attention, but that's not it!!!! I don't want people to be worried or upset that i'm starving....i don't WANT people to know I have an ED....I just want to share the only thing that gives me pride!....my weight loss. I just want the people I care about to be excited about the things that give me excitement. It's like I wish there was someone I knew personally who when I said "I didn't eat all day" would give me a high five and a congrats....not a worried look and say that's not healthy. Sometimes when I talk about what size I want to be I think people think I'm trying to be shocking...but I'm not! I'm sharing my thoughts, my goals, my dreams! Also I want to be able to vent my troubles from not eating without someone just telling me to eat something. I know this is alot to expect from someone who hasn't had an ED, but still. I just really need a friend with anorexic tendencies. I'm thinking about making my bulimic friend my confidant...I know he'll get it....I just don't know how much he'll want to hear about it.

Oh well...It's time to forget this day.

Night

Wow....

Today was hard....today was HARDDDDDDD.

I know this is probably obviously if anyone has happened to notice that I blogged three times in one day, but seriously. I had the day off...I had a bunch of school to do which forced me to stay home..I was weak to begin with so I was going to have to allow myself a little more food today ANDDDD my dad bought papa johns.

Now the whole pizza thing isn't out of the ordinary...seriously every weekend whenmy dad is around there is so much ice cream, french fries, pizza, pancakes, muffins, pies, and cakes sitting around that this shouldn't have phased me, but i think because of the extreme lack of food....I was just overwhelmed ....overwhelmed by food and boredom giving me lots of time to think about the food. Well i didn't eat the pizza if thats what you're wondering....I haven't lost my mind, BUT I did do something I haven't done in a really long time..probably since high school. Chew and Spit. Gross I know. I just cut a sliver of the pizza(it was one bite full) and I savoured it without an ounce going down...then spit and rinsed my mouth with water 4 times before I allowed myself to swallow again normally. I instantly felt so fat. I doubt there was even 100 calories in the bite I had...if I had actually eaten it...let alone the calories that were left in my mouth despite the rinsing, but the whole thing left me feeling so shameful that i felt like I had binged on an entire pizza. Probably 3 calories at best went down...so why do I feel like I'm losing this weight battle. Ughhhhhhhhhh curse you Papa Johns!!

Tomorrow I'll make up for the brussel sprouts and the vegan sausage because tomorrow I work all day and I won't be able to eat. = ) I love work for this reason specifically!

I've decided I'm having brussel sprouts for breakfast tomorrow. Thats probably less fattenign overall than my toast even though it will be a few more calories so I'm pretty excited about it.

This week is going to be really busy so I think I'll be fine as far as days like this go. Althoughhhh next Friday I have the day off also and I may end up having a good bit of homework to do....so there could be a repeat...I'm just going to try and get things done early so that isn't the case.

ughhh I give up for today

These doubts...they creep in

I don't know why after nearly 40lbs of constant and consistent weightloss I manage to feel afraid that something is going to happen that will keep me from losing all the weight. Sometimes I think about it even when I'm showering or driving....like what if all the sudden I wrecked and was never able to be a waif because I died or was paralyzed....It's so dumb because obviously I would have bigger issues than being a waif at that point, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

Anyone who gets dieting will get this, but every time I have an urge to cheat or just eat anything period....I immediately go for my thinspo blogs/videos/pics.

It's sooooo important to stay drowned in thinspo...to me that is the difference between succeeding at this whole thing and plateauing at average.

To anyone who may read this...I have a question. What is your ultimate goal for your body?? I feel like most people in the pro-ana community feel the same about how they ultimately want to look, but recently I've discovered that there are quite a few people on pro-ana that simply look at the stuff for regular diet motivation and only want to weigh a normal amount. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but my ultimate weight loss goal is to have people look at me and wonder if I have an ED because I'm so thin...I just want to be so thin people are shocked that it's me. I guess I feel this need to go over and beyond because I've been so fat and to me it seems like the only way to truly make up for my fat days....like i just need to leave people without a doubt that I am extremely skinny and my fat days are a thing of the past never to return again.

So many girls always sized me up against my sister and acted like she was better because she was thinner than me. So many girls will treat you a certain way solely based on your weight/size. Like if you are a size 2 other girls will treat you with more respect and vice versa.

Perfect example....I once knew a girl named Erin. She practically idolized my size 4 sister. She always commented on how thin she was and pretty, ect. Erin was extremely rude and mean to me....I wasn't worth the respect because I was fat. In a way I don't resent her because I probably wasn't worth respect at a size 12, but I just can't wait till i see these people again and I'm a zero. I think they'll kiss me feet...metaphorically speaking.

Journalling these thoughts and reading my thinspo AND listenign to depressing songs makes this all so much easier haha

Oh and btw....I think the reason today is so hard is because it's the first day in forever I've had nothing to do but online tests which requires me to stay home all day ANDDDD I deleted my Facebook two weeks ago and I'm in serious withdrawal, but to give up now would seem embarrassing...Plus I've realized that without facebook I spend a ton of time on thinspo stuff instead which is better AND it's given me good motivation because I won't let myself bring it back until I hit 140. Which i plan on doing in about 2 weeks....so we'll see.

Like I said....today is a struggle...so I may be back before the day is said and done! = )

So it's 1pm and I already failed

This morning I felt soooooo weak. It's gotten harder to get out of bed every day simply because I feel so sore and tired. I know these 100 calorie days are tough but if I do anything different I feel like a failure. So I knew I needed to eat something today....So here's what I've had for the day and just keep in mind that i'm not eating anymore for the day.

Toast: 100

Vegan hotdog: 45

Brussel sprouts: 100

=250... = (

So I immediately went upstairs and took some laxatives...Oh gosh I hope this doesn't ruin me getting to 150/149 by Monday. I won't be able to have a normal weigh in tomorrow because I have to work too early....So my Sunday I should be 150 but my original goal was to hit it by Monday...so whichever comes first is fine.

Today I weigh 152....barely. I'm just scared that I won't be able to get down enough by Monday.

I think all the extra stress and everything is based off the fact that I am nearing my all time lowest weight and this has traditionally been when I always screw up. I know I'm so much more mentally into this then I have been in the past, but I'm still nervous. I just hope that exlax pushes everything through. I know I'll still get the calories but I want to free my system of everything. Hopefully since I took them now I will get everything passed through by 8pm??? I hope that's not asking too much.

I'm seeing more and more that my true ideal weight is 110. I look through ModelMayhem all the time comparing girls at my height and their weights and 110 is what I've always wanted to look like.

This girl is 100lbs and 5'8 -

http://modelmayhm-7.vo.llnwd.net/d1/photos/101014/20/4cb7c5f1b173e.jpg

and ironically her name is Annie haha = )

I think somewhere around there is where I would ultimately like to be....I won't be there until January/February, but oh well.

I'm kind of bored and frustrated today so I'll likely take to the blog again haha

Until next time...

Once upon a time I cared about...

School

Grades

being good at my job

having a working brain

friends

good food

socializing

more than my pant size

the inside more than the outside

issues of the world

good conversation

Once upon I didn't care about:

talking diet 24/7

spitting before I weighed in

weighing myself 30+ times a day

the 5 calories in a stick of gum

how much water I was retaining

sitting on a toilet for an hour hoping to pee a few ounces away

reading hours of thinspo a day

watching several anorexia movies/documentarys a week for motivation

sizing up every person I saw by weight alone

browsing Skinnyvscurvy.com for hours

Yea you get it.

I weighed 153 today which means I've lost 37 pounds. I've got to be 150 by Monday. I've gottttt to! I made a promise to myself I would be 150 by the time my Mom got home from a long trip she was taking and I am determined to stick to this. My thing is...I know I can't eat 100 calories a day for weeks and weeks and expect 1 pound loss everyday. So I feel like I need to have two days where I eat about 400-500 calories. like maybe Monday and Tuesday I eat that much and then I get back to business on Wednesday. Maybe I should divide the eating days though....like eat on monday, 100 calories tuesday, eat on Wednesday, and then 100 calories for a week.

I just know my system is really week right now. I think eating a couple days a week would make me lose more in a weird way. Because the metabolism boosts would be good.

It's just so hard for me to eat. 1. it feels like I'm not making progress when I do and 2. it's harder to stop once you start than it is to just avoid it all together. Like it's really not hard to say NO to everything, but once you start saying YES to some stuff it becomes harder to say yes and no. I don't know if this makes a ton of sense, but it's my will power issues I've got to work out.

Wow I can't believe I'm almost al my all time thinnest. When I hit 149 it's going to be unreal. I think that's when I'll know this whole thing is real and I'm not dreaming this success...it's actually happening. It's so near....just a few more days! It's really exciting that I'll be reunited with my Mom and hit my mini goal all in the same day. I will be 10 pounds thinner than the last time she saw me! I bet I will look different to her.

Anyways thats whats up with me!

Until next time!

Down Goes Another One...

Well I'm at 154. Here's how the day went:

Toast: 100

(2 cups of tea) ...I tried to cut back since the calories in Almond milk and Splenda probably do add up.

Brussel Sprouts w/ olive oil spread: 150

= 250 calories consumed

Walked 4 miles

= 400 calories burned

Total for day = -150 calories = )

So I would count this day as a success. I also found out I fit into a size 6 skirt!!!!!!! I feel weird. Like I definitely don't think I have the body i thought I would have at a size six, but I guess I never really new what a size six would be like. I just knew I was heading for a size 0. I know what I want my body to look like in the end. I don't know how it will look throughout the journey or what to expect.

It kind of blows my mind that two Mondays ago I was struggling somewhat. Like I wasn't eating more than 1000 calories but ate 1000 calories and really I wanted to eat more. That desire made me nervous sort of because I hadn't had an urge like that in a really long time. The desire made me feel like maybe failure was near AND considering the fact that I will be at my curse weight of 150 soon which I have never been able to get below I was feeling anxious about everything. All it took was that weekend of work to wake me up and realize that I could get back to my toast only days AND that my toast only days would bring me 1 pound a day! It's like for weeekssss and weeks I have been dying trying to get a couple pounds to move a week and now in the span of like a week I've lost like 5 pounds! It's getting more noticeable too. Like my face is definitely thinner. While I am thin I am certainly not what I used to believe I looked like at this weight. When I was 150 before I remember thinking I was just soooo skinny and pretty, but now 150 feels like a starting point to the body I CAN have if I keep working. All I notice is my flabby parts most of the time. Also I totally know where the next 30 pounds is going to come from...my stomach and my thighs. Geeeeez! My thighs are horrible. I probably have 20 pounds on my thighs and 10 on my stomach. I will say though that I'm starting to be able to visualize myself realllllly thin and I love it! It's almost like a high for me! I just love the idea of being soooo tiny.

People are starting to pester me about my weightloss every time I turn around. Everyone thinks I'm developing an ED. Which ummm yea I already have one, but I don't know how to deal with this. It's never been obvious like it is now. I'm so used to being able to brag and feel proud about eating 100 calories in a day to my Mom, sisters, ect. ....and usually no one cares what you're eating when you're really overweight, but now that I'm dropping down everyone is getting concerned. So basically I have to stop talking about the diet. I don't know how to do that. The diet= my life. So I guess I'm just going to have to stop talking all together because the diet is all I have TO talk about. I think about everything in terms of this diet and starvation. I freaking avoided hanging out with friends last night so I wouldn't have to be offered food I would then have to rudely turn down. I have a long lost friend I'd like to meet up with but I'm avoiding it out of fear of having to reject food in front of them and then get them worrying too. My Mom has already asked me to stop losing weight because she says I look fine at this weight. It's going to be really frustrating to get to a size 0 with everyone resisting against me the whole rest of the way.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with not being able to tell everyone that I've lost another pound, ect....

btw...about bulimia. I think this has also been a motivating factor to not eat because I don't want to have to pick up that habit like I promised I would. Well I think that deals off. I will always use laxatives(which I'm aware that they don't actually prohibit calorie absorption) because I've done that for ages and it's what i'm used to, but I can't figure out purging....I'm too scared and i love my teeth too much. Really and truly I do love my teeth. Plus starvation feels safe....purging just says death to me. Plus that seems like a slippery slope...I don't like the idea of eating a ton and stretching my stomach because what if one time I couldn't get it back up??? I would die!! I would seriously feel suicidal!!! panicked and soooooo upset! Starvation is control....control makes me comfortable and happy.

So yea...for now at least I'm safe in my little world of starvation... = )

Until next time...