Pizza

Last week was a really hard week at work and on my diet. I was doing more physical labor for work so that was challenging and on top of that I was working out of town with limited food options. I went off diet slightly throughout the week, but I figured that was okay due to the increased activity. I was trying to use laxatives, but they weren’t really working that well. I continued to hover around 152, but I was getting so frustrated. I wanted to cheat soooo bad. I seriously considered cheating on Friday when my entire office had a pizza party. That’s all I’ve been wanting too – pizza. It’s literally been consuming my every thought. Well Saturday cam and the weekends seem to be hard because there’s zero accountability and there’s nothing pressing for me to do to take food off my mind. After many hours of debating to cheat or not cheat… I cheated. I decided to compromise and postmate the low carb cheesecake from cheesecake factory, but after I got it I realized they accidentally gave me ice cream too…. NOT low carb. I ate it and its like I couldn’t stop. I then ordered a small cheese pizza from Papa Johns and devoured the entire thing. I continued eating other things I had in the house that WERE low carb/low calorie throughout the rest of the evening but in excess. I ended up consuming 2,500 calories. I weighed in that night at 154. The next day wans’t much better. Yes, I generally stuck to my diet and didn’t order out, but I ate wayyyy more than I should of an ended up having a 1,200 calorie day. I haven’t been able to use the bathroom properly since and therefore I’m 157 as of last night, but I have a feeling that really all bloat, bowels, and water weight from the carbs. Yesterday I ate around 550 calories and exercised about 270 calories off. I feel like I’m spiraling. It’s weird because the way I feel today is so telling of where I am ED wise. Back in the spring when I was dieting hardcore I didn’t feel too ashamed of my eating when I gave up the diet, but this time around it’s different. And wouldn’t you know today of all days my department decides to take a group photo. It was actually this phot that drove me to write this post. It was my wake-up call that I cannot give this up. I’m around 12-13lbs from a real milestone moment and I know I can do this. I just have to stay on top of this diet and fully commit to winning this battle. I know once I hit the 140’s I will have new motivation and new hope. I can do this. I just have to remember to stay focused and leave this weekend in the past where it belongs. I have to up my game. I will commit to not eating after 5pm. I will commit to walking at least 3 miles a day. I will commit to getting up each morning and doing my mat exercises. I have 28 days to get to 140. I had hoped to be in the 130’s by Halloween and maybe that’s still a possibility, but at the very least I have to be 140 by the time I go home to see my family. I have to show everyone I’m not a total loser and I do have self-control. This weekend was a slip up, but maybe I needed it to get re-focused.

Binging

So Im not sure you can technically call this a binge since it was around 600 calories, but I went nuts today. I will say I burned 100 calories through exercise so I guess I could say I netted at 500 cal. I ate: 3 veggie dogs: 150 cal Three wraps: 180 cal Yogurt ranch: 60 cal 5 Jellos: 55 Miracle Rice - 2 packs: 0 cal Black Bean Dip: 40 cal Goat Cheese: 50 cal Fat Free Reddiwhip: 70 cal(guessing generously) I was just bored, depressed, and honestly hungry. I just feel like I need an extra large pizza and I need to eat the entire thing. My period is about to start and I think the cravings have to do with it I will say watching mukbangs helped a little bit. But I just reallllllly want pizza. The weekends have been the hardest any ways because I'm alone, sad, and bored. Anyways - tomorrow I'll be back to 200 calories tomorrow.

Remembering the Past

I wanted to add some more motivational pics from two years ago. I was trying dresses for my sisters wedding. I could never just casually take a picture like that now. I want even my thinnest here. I was like 130.

Steady as She Goes

So I'm 152 today. I'm really shocked that I haven't hit 151... or even 150. Im sticking to my diet - and actually the only real difference between my dieting now and in 2010 is that Im watching my carbs too. So if anything I should be losing faster. Whatever - weight loss is weight loss. I will say last fall I was about 147ish on the regular. I was watching what I ate more and my diet was very regular. The thing is I had a lot of clothes that I wore for work that I really liked and I used to think I was really pretty in them. Unfortunately since Ive been gaining and gaining I stopped being able to wear them. I tried to put them on yesterday and they fit! I was pushing to fit into them by Monday because I have a three day assignment for work that will require me to wear those outfits so Im relieved about that. I've been trying to plan when I will start to alter the diet - as in add in more calories or relax a bit. I don't really know whats best. I know I won't feel 100% comfortable doing it until I hit my goal weight, but given that the likelihood of me being at goal is a month or two away and I can't sustain this limited diet that long - I need to be calculated. I am hoping that I can be 145 by the end of the month. That gives me 12 days to lose 7lbs. Which I think is totally doable. Also October is the month my friend is visiting so I think if I plan to be 145 by EOM then I can be 140 easily by the time he actually arrives in mid October. I think I will give myself a huge cheat meal on October 1st. It's a Saturday and I think if I can hit maybe 144 by the I will be safe of my cheat meal not taking me out of the 140's. Thats really all I'm concerned about. This cheat can't put me back where I am now. I don't know if I can cheat though. It will be pushing on two months at that point and it gets harder to let go the longer you're in this. All I know is I thought long and hard about ordering a large extra cheese pizza last night and I just knew I couldn't because I wouldn't fit in anything and also with my hair being so short I can afford to have a bloated carb face. All I know is I have got to find a constructive planned cheat or I will break entirely and I can't do that either. I found an old picture in my blog that I posted in October 2010. I was like 139 in the photo. I looked so thin! It was awesome! I need to find all my old pictures and hang them around this apartment. That would provide some good motivation. Btw despite my recent use of laxatives... I still look bloated. I think its a combination of pre-period bloat and that miracle rice. I should be starting my period in the next couple days and I know you're always heaviest right before your period so I wonder if that has anything to do with it. Anyways Im off to run some errands and get some exercise. It's a nice cool day so it should be pleasant. Bye!

Fresh Beginning

So I weighed in at 153lb today following my laxative use. I still think thats not even all of it. I think I'm probably 152 just based on how much liquid I had prior to weighing. After I wrote last night I did have this coconut flour cake I like to make because coconut flour has a lot of fiber and generally makes me go to the bathroom naturally. I just began to worry that since the laxatives from the day before hadn't worked that maybe this wouldn't work either, but whether it was the laxatives or the coconut flour - something worked. Btw this coconut flour cake is really good if you want a low calorie dessert. Its not like a real cake whatsoever and its much better if you have some sort of sauce or something to put with it but nevertheless its something sweet that also has digestion benefits and is low carb. Cake: 2 TBSP Coconut Flour 2 TBSP Hersheys Special Dark Cocoa powder couple drops of vanilla extract and almond extract Unsweetened Almond milk until you get the texture you want All in all, its around 80 calories and fairly satisfying. In other news - I chopped my hair off. Its now above my shoulders. Ive been telling myself for ages that if i lost weight and got back down to 130ish I would cut my hair short. I didn't want to cut it when I was heavier because it would make me look fat, but as the alternative I wear my hair in a messy bun everyday. That's such a waste. Also it's not all that flattering in and of itself. I'm starting to look a lot better so I felt like why not. If anything - knowing my hair is short and I can't change it is motivation to stick to this. I actually really like it. I don't think I'll hit my goal of being in the 140's by Monday, but I think I'm going to go walking in a bit and I'll see what I can do!

TMI

So I weighed in at 157 this morning. lol I just have to laugh because this is ridiculous. I literally have eaten 200 calories consistently for days and the scale isn't going down. I don't feel sad though because I know why. This Miracle Rice I eat is very dense and heavy. I've been eating bags of that stuff like crazy this week. It has no calories and its pretty filling considering is pretty much 100% soluble fiber. So I've had barely anyyyy bowel movement this week but food and drink just keeps going in. So tonight when I got home I weighed in at 155, but I have a feeling that was mostly liquid weight. So I took 4 laxatives in the hope that will completely empty my system by morning. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I weighed in at like 151 once this stuff moves. I can tell I look much thinner but my stomach has distended from the bloat. Anyways I think I would normally feel really discouraged because I really count on seeing that number but at this point I've been so good on my diet - I know the only thing this can be is the constipation. Plus I feel like there is a grand unveiling on the way. Hopefully that unveiling happens tomorrow. I stuck to 200 calories today and based on the exercise I did I had a calorie deficit of like 20 calories. Night

This is ridiculous

I've been trying to write something for over an hour and I just don't know what to say. I'm still sticking to the diet. I ate around 230 calories today. I weighed in at 155 this morning. Tonight I weighed myself when I got in from work and I was 156. I'm not going to the bathroom! I'm very bloated... i can see it and feel it. On top of that - my hormones are all out of whack so Im very positive I'm retaining water. Also In the last two days I broke out like crazy. I literally have not had over 15 grams of sugar in like 5 weeks. And thats being generous because in the last two weeks I'm averaging 2 grams of sugar a day. I took a laxative tonight and I just hope things are better on the scale in the morning. I was reading some old posts yesterday and I had no idea how many laxatives I used to take! I literally took 25 one night!! Like WTH! Was I trying to kill myself? I think if I can just focus on flushing out my system this over the next couple days then I should definitely be 149 by Sunday because I haven't wavered. I feel like I can stay rock solid on this diet till at least the end of the month. I'm just hoping that if I can stick this out to the end of the month that I can have one big cheat day and then restart. If I lose around a pound a day till October 1st- that will put me right at 139lbs. I think it would be safe to have a cheat day at that weight. That would be a real accomplishment because I haven't been in the 130's for exactly 2yrs as of this fall. I'm going to win this guys.... I really feel it and I really believe it. I have all the tools and the motivation is here. See you at 153.

Low in the Worst Way

Today was not a great day. I weighed in at 154 - which is great. A coworker also told me I looked really skinny - without knowing about my diet - also good. But whenever I start starving like this, it's not long before I'm pretty depressed. I just feel mentally and physically exhausted. Getting up the stairs today felt like too much. I just neeeed to get the next 14lbs off and then I can be more reasonable. I know this means at least a month more of 200 calorie days. I managed to stay at 200 calories again today ... I think I'm satisfied right now hunger wise. I mean if you told me I could eat a pizza with no consequence right now - I would Hoover it, but all things considered I actually enjoy my "safe" foods. I was just discouraged because when I got home tonight I weighed myself and my stomach looked bloated. I weighed in at 155. I obviously know that's not true considering I hadn't eaten in over 12 hrs at this time, but it's just annoying. I neeeed scale validation. When you starving yourself, feeling faint all day, and weak AF... You need something to keep you going. I mean my hands were blue today. I'm sure from decreased blow flow due to starvation. I better see 153 tomorrow but I fear that I won't. Clearly I'm holding some water weight and need to shift some things. Worst of all my face is really broken out and idk why. It's surely not from carbs and sugar. I'm just going to pray I see some progress in the morning. Night.

Going Down

Today was a success. I managed to eat only 204 calories and if I include my light exercise today than I netted out at around 40 calories. Work has been kind of stressful here lately and I find myself staying really late, but thats kind of worked to my advantage on the diet front. When I'm at work I'm less focused on eating and I'm busy so I don't notice the hunger. Case in point, yesterday I left work on time and when I got home I felt sooooooo hungry. I ended up eating just under 500 calories for the day. Which isn't terrible, but way more than I normally eat. I can guarantee that I wasn't tally any more hungry than normal... I just wasn't distracted and therefore I noticed the hunger. I ended up eating three bags of Miracle Rice last night. If you struggle with dieting or an ED... you need to know about Miracle Rice and Miracle Noodles. It's just variation of Skirataki noodles. They are made from some kind of yam flour I believe. They are not a gimmick "low calorie", but filled with chemicals kind of deal - they actually are quite healthy and natural. The great thing about them is that most variations have ZERO calories while others have 15 at most. The Miracle Rice brand I get has zero calories and 1 carb in the entire bag. Like I was saying - I ate three bags last night. In total it amounted to just over 100 calories with the sauce I put on...crazy right?! So it didn't hurt my weight loss goals, but it did leave me rather full. The only downside of that is that by this morning - all those "noodles" were still there. So I weighed in at 156. I knew I wasn't really 156, but I also knew I needed to shift some water weight and finally have bowel movement for the first time in a while. Luckily I was able to empt out my system do to not eating all day and when I got home from work I was 154. A new milestone! It's hard to believe that I'm celebrating 154 when a couple years ago I prided myself in the fact that I hadn't been over 149 in years and would never get there again. But a victory is a victory. I didn't really have a scale that first week of the diet so I can never really know where I started, but if I go from the first number i saw on the scale(166 lbs) then I'm 12 lbs down. My coworkers are starting to notice I look different even though I know they can't tell why I look different yet. Its so funny too because I had literally just written on here the day before saying it had been so long since anyone complimented me and the next day I get two compliments. My manager said my lipstick was really pretty - I wear the same lipstick almost everyday. I think she just noticed I looked nice and couldn't place exactly why. Later that afternoon my coworkers said my hair looked really good - now this HAD to be weight related because I just had it in the SAME messy bun I wear EVERYYYYYY DAY. lol But seriously, my hair is always in a messy bun. I think it's just that my face is thinner now and therefore the bun looks better. I'm still shooting to see 149lbs on Sunday. It's a real stretch and I have no idea if I can do it, but it would be awesome going into the next week at a new milestone. Just wish me luck.

Cheating

Today was much harder than I anticipated. Today is also the reason I've been avoiding getting my calories too low. As you know I've been eating between 200-300 calories a day this week. Well I feel nervous that this is going to backfire if I'm not careful because today I ate really close to ordering food. I really have to blame the convenience of food delivery for my weight gain. I feel like if i was in a restaurant I would never order the amount of food I was eating on a regular basis this past summer. It just became really easy to not leave my apartment on the weekends and order multiple HIGH calorie meals all weekend and gorge myself. I was doing it almost every weekend. First of all, it was starting to get way too expensive and my credit card bill was getting ridiculous. Second, I had zero accountability - no one could see me eating that and therefore it was like my secret sin. I would order a burger, fries, onion rings, and cheesecake and just hide in my apartment eating to comfort myself. It felt like when someone brought me food that someone was taking care of me or I was safe. It was comforting. But ultimately - its ruined me. Anyways today I just found myself really wanting to order a burger and fries and cheesecake. I started googling extensively about what this might do to my ketosis and how much weight I might gain from a cheat day. But then I started to think about things like my skin. My skin has been flawless the past three weeks. Like literally almost powerless. I know its from the combination of starving and not eating carbs. Also, idk if it's the ketosis or it's the fact that I've shrunk my stomach, but I'm not super hungry despite how little I'm eating. I know they say thats a side effect of ketosis. Thankfully, thinking through all of the potential consequences and the fact that this one weight calculator says i'm still "marginally over weight," I decided I better not and thought of an alternative I could eat to satiate the desire. I weighed in at exactly 155 today. I tried to see if I could pee out a couple ounces to get into the 154 range, but it wasn't happening. I'm really swollen too today which I think has something to do with things. So far today I've eaten 200 calories. I need to go out and exercise a bit and hopefully I can erase my intake for the day. I realllllllyyyy need to be in the 140's by next weekend. If I can be 149 by next sunday that would be amazing. I have to wear certain outfits on the 19-21st of this month and I'm really worried about them not fitting. Thats another reason I really felt like I couldn't afford a set back. I feel like they will fit if I get to the upper 140's. My goal is that hopefully I can be 140 or in the upper 130's by early October. This will put me in an excellent position for when my friend visits. Also, I just can't wait to see how my coworkers react to me being thin. They've never seen me super thin. I've always been chunky since I started - always in the high 140's. I really start to look good in the 130's. I tried on that size four mini skirt on Friday and I could get it up and button it finally but it was tighttttttttttt. Like TIGHT. Definitely not suitable for public unless i wanted to be arrested for public indecency. That thing used to hang off me. It was sooooooo loose.

Above is an image of me at one of my thinnest weights. This is what I want to be again. I was tiny and I had no worries about how should dress everyday. Everything looked good on me. People were constantly telling me how good I looked. Do you know how long it's been since I've been called pretty or hot or skinny. I know no one at work believes i'm going to succeed at this diet because I was on a major diet before and I failed. I have to do it this time or I'm a fraud. Here's to being thing again.

155

Tbh I haven't even reviews my last post to see where I left you all. I know it has been a couple weeks since I journaled and I know what wasn't making any progress when I last wrote. This diet has been superrrrrr annoying but I'm finally seeing some results. I also think the fact that I've been able to stay on it so long is really good. I think this is the longest I've been on a diet in years. I think when I last left you I was on Atkins but I had just decided to stop following it exactly. Instead I wanted to do low carb and low calorie and stress less about my carbs a little bit.so I started eating around 600-700 calories a day on average. I still wasn't losing hardly anything! Finally this week I dropped my calories down to around 200 a day and tried doing a lot of walking. I've dropped weight so quickly. I'm finally down 11 lbs. Actually i think I will definitely hit 154 tomorrow. I can't wait to be back in the 140's. That's not a bad range at all. I've spent a lot of time in the 140's. The 130's though is when I start to feel realllllly good about myself and look really thin. 120's is perfection. Anyways I just have to make sure I feel okay and I'm not being tooooo extreme because the worst thing I could do would be to push to hard and get burnt out and give up. That's what I did this past spring. Anyways - I'm working today with a supermodel. Maybe seeing her will give me some thinsporation. See you at 154.

Moving On

Things have been looking up. I’m currently 161 and should be 160 by tomorrow the way things seem to be moving. I’ve decided that losing 3lbs a week is the way to go. I don’t want to feel like I’m dying every day. And really it’s just not possible given my current work load etc. Also I feel like even when I was doing 100 calories and “losing” 1lb a day… It wasn’t even truly 1lb a day. It was more like 5lbs a week because there were always slow times or delays for whatever bodily reason. I feel like 3lbs is the best way to ensure I’m actually losing fat and not all my muscle. Also, I think I mentioned this last time but I quit atkins. Technically I’m still doing only around 30 carbs a day and I have significantly reduced my calories to around 500-700 from 1100-1200 I was doing on atkins. Honestly, I think this has been far more effective because I quickly dropped 2 pounds as soon as I switched off more calories. I’m started to really notice the weight loss too. I know that sounds stupid seeing as I’ve only lost around 5- 7 pounds, but my stomach is much flatter and I feel like I’m started to be able to see some resemblance to my old figure. I can’t imagine how I will feel once I get back in the 140’s. I can’t wait to be able to put on that infamous miniskirt I used to wear everywhere. I found a video of me this week that was really surprising. It’s of me in the summer of 2014 wearing a tank top and these itty bitty Hollister shorts. I was sooo thin. Literally like a rail. I know I was around 125ish there. I can’t wait to be there again. Actually I’ve been thinking about how I want to dress once I get my figure back. I can’t wait to wear oversized turtleneck sweaters and tight little hot pants. I feel like that is the quintessential waif outfit. And boots that emphasize your thin leg. I’ve created a weight loss calculator. If I stick to losing 3lbs a week than I will be 128lbs by the time I go to this big holiday party around Halloween. Additionally, I was panicking last week because I thought my friend that knows me at my thinnest was coming to visit in a few weeks. I was so panicked about slimming down extremely fast in order to look “more normal” when he came. Last night he informed me that’s he’s not coming till October. That gives me a little over a month to drop some weight. I should be able to lose just under 20lbs in that time…. More if I really start working out. If I could hit the high 130’s by the time he comes I will look pretty decent…. Not my thinnest, but normal. I should be able to fit into all my clothes at that weight too…. Well the majority anyway. Just for good record keeping sake – Below is what I’ve been typically eating: Breakfast: Low carb wrap – 60cal Vegan hotdog – 50 Greek yogurt ranch – 25 Total:135 Lunch: Two boiled eggs – 120 Dinner: Breakfast x2 - 240 Or Steamed broccoli with Greek Yogurt Ranch or Low fat guac - 150

It's worse than I thought...

Hello, So I apologize for not updating the past few days. I tend to update this at work and it's been a little busier than usual this past week. Also, I found out some really discouraging news and I was really depressed about that. So.. I think I said previously that I was around 160lbs. Apparently I'm so far gone these days that I can't even eyeball my own weight anymore(something I could previously do to the pound). I mentioned before that I needed batteries for my scale. Well one day this past week I got so impatient on waiting for the batteries that I bought one on my way home from work. When I put it in my scale was still not showing all the numbers. I could only see the bottom half of the last two numbers and from what I could tell it looked like it was reading 66.... meaning I possibly weighed 166lbs. I was panicked.... I started trying o rationalize. The scale was obviously still messed up so maybe it wasn't even calculating the number correctly. Surely I wasn't 166lbs.... I mean theres no way. Like my clothes aren't that tight right? How could I gain 10lbs in a month anyways. How could that be possible. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I mean this number is as fat as I was in my freshman year of college. HOW COULD I DO THIS??? I immediately went online and purchased a scale. In the following days I continued to step on the scale to see if it was really messed up or what. Later it started showing that last two FULL numbers instead of the bottom half. It said 65.4. Omg... I started to wonder if maybe this thing was right. Still, how could this be. I mean I know I wasn't eating great and there had been quite a few mines in recent weeks, but still. HOW COULD THAT BE RIGHT? The next two days I must have stepped on that thing at least 15 times. It started reading all numbers. 165.4 ...165.4... 165.4...165.4 ....165.4.... 165.4 ....165.4. I wanted to die. Even if this was right... I'd still been on adkins induction for 4-5 days at this point. Surely I'd lost more weight than the original 166? Like if this was true... How do you only lose 1 pound in an entire week of carb deprivation. Well yesterday the morning the new scale came. I opened the box first thing that morning. Stepped on the scale and it said 164. I was crushed. The first scale had to be generally right because now two scales were telling me pretty much the same thing. Interestedly enough... I stepped on the new scale at least 20 times yesterday and at least 20% of the time it read 157. In my mind 157 seems to make more sense with what i felt I looked like and based on my clothes but still.... I couldn't ignore the fact that 80% of the time it read 164. Tis morning i weighted myself and I was 163. I stepped on the scale an hour later and once again 157. I have to assume at this point that I truly am in the 160's or this scale is just horribly wicked. In any case I've just had to resolve myself that these are my circumstances and this must be my jumping off point. I will say though that it is pretty disheartening to realize I've only lost 3lbs then in the course of this week. Thats petty compared to what i normally do during the first week of a major diet. I feel like I've been so strict too. Like what else could I have done any better. I'm sticking to my carb limit. I'm trying to make the bulk of my carbs vegetables. It just makes me wonder if I shouldn't give this up for my starvation diet. I just worry now that if I switch off of this now that I will suddenly balloon because that tends to happen when you quit a low carb diet. I feel that I have to at least stick to this till I'm in the 140's and then I can re-strategize. I feel pretty terrible on this diet too.... which makes it even more frustrating that I've done all of this for 3 measly pounds. On Thursday night I actually fainted. I've never fainted before even with all the crazyyyyy extreme diets I've done in my life like 100 calories or less a day... i've still never fainted. I'm just generally feeling super weak and fatigued. People say this goes away within two weeks so I'm hoping thats the case. My parents come in 10 days. I have to lose at least 10 more pounds before they come. I feel the only way to really kick this into high gear is to work out, but given my fainting episode I'm kind of scared to try. It's hard to walk around let alone run. I just know that when I do cardio on low carb.... the weight has melted off. I don't know what to do... I just can't believe this weight is my reality right now.... i can't believe I have been blind to my obesity. I can't believe I've allowed myself to be seen in public like this. I can't believe this is the only impression some people have of me. Till tomorrow.

Reality Check

I woke up so nauseous this morning. I ate 13 carbs yesterday so I think that’s why. I was planning on having my full 20, but my guilt about my fat body took over and I opted to just go to bed. I think the extreme lack of carbs is just making me a little ill temporarily. I’m on track to eat 15 carbs today. I had a dream a few nights ago that I tried on an old mini skirt that was extremelyyyyy loose summer 2014. It’s a size four. In my dream the skirt was tight but I could fit in it. When I got home yesterday evening I started wondering if that had been a dream or if I had really tried the skirt on. So I found it in my closet hanging up and immediately knew it was a dream. The skirt seemed sooooo tiny compared to my wardrobe now days. I decided I needed to try it on. I needed to understand how far gone I am to realllllly make myself take this seriously. It was painful. The skirt wouldn’t go past my thighs. I couldn’t believe it. How did I let myself go this far. I keep thinking back to winter 2014/2015 when I first started putting on weight and I just don’t know why I didn’t course correct. Then I think about last summer when I moved to NYC – determined to get a grip on the weight…. Why did I keep pushing it off? Why did I get to the point where pizza, fries, and cheesecake are my main food groups. I worked so hard when I first started this blog to get my weight under control. And I always prided myself(even during EDNOS recovery) that I hadn’t let myself get above 149 in years. I used to swear I would only ever be that weight again for a pregnancy. Now I could easily be 160…. And I’ve just kept letting it go. I bought a denim jacket three years ago that I used to regret purchasing because it was too big. Now it’s tight. Whatever – this is my new start. I can feel it. I’m determined. I’m not restricting myself to broth… I’m not limiting myself to one meal a day. It’s not sustainable…. Not right now at least. I’m doing Atkins because it allows me to eat things I like while still restricting in an extreme way that satisfies me mentally. I would like to lose 15 pounds by the time my parents get here on 8/31. That will put me at 145. My next goal is to lose another 20lbs by the 10/27. That’s when I’ll be visiting my extended family for a party. I just want to be back to my old thin self by then. Another stressor though is the fact that a couple friends will be visiting me around September/October and I want them to see me like they remember and not this obese heifer I am currently. Also, I’m meeting a bunch of new colleagues in the early part of September and I want them to meet thin Annie. Another benefit I expect form this is that my skin will be flawless if I stick to a low carb diet. Carbs are terrible for your skin. When this is all over and I’m skinny again – maybe I’ll go vegan. Vegan kind of forces you to be thin. We’ll see….

Going strong

So I did go to the store last night to buy batteries and they didn’t have the kind I needed for my scale. I did however stock up on foods for my diet which was great. I ate 24 carbs yesterday. Slightly over my goal of 20, but it was mainly because I couldn’t find zero carb energy drinks and I had to have a morning pick me up. Also, I’ve only had 9 carbs today so far and I feel pretty good considering the lack of food AND carbs. I think this is going to be super successful. Today at work people were discussing this girl on my team that’s super tall and skinny… with long blonde perfect hair…. Basically a model. Everyone talks about how pretty she is and I feel silly because I remember when I used to be described in those terms. It’s been so long. I know I can be 125 again and super fit. I remember summer 2014 I got down to 125 and I was soooo skinny. I was just walking down the street with my mom one day and some lady gasped and exclaimed “She’s so beautiful!” I mean she was old and probably not completely in her right mind, but still…. That sort of thing used to happen. And now I’m like a fat blob. Literally at least 30lbs heavier than that. I feel like in the past couple years I’ve become so complacent… Like I just genuinely stopped caring what I looked like. I feel like it’s been so long since I cared about guys – that’s half the problem. My serious motivator to wanting to lose weight has always been for a guy. I just haven’t been in a relationship since fall 2014. With zero interest in guys… it’s been all about doing whatever feels fun or good for me…. Aka eating. But I’ve been working in NYC in luxury since last summer…. I feel like all the girls are super thin, pretty, and stylish. I am not that way anymore. I was actually watching the Devil wears Prada a couple weeks ago and that’s basically my work environment. Anne Hathaway is considered obese at a size 6 in the movie and I’m a size 10 right now…. So just imagine what people think of me. Anyways – journaling seems to always help my motivation and keep me accountable. I even created a spreadsheet to track my food intake and weight loss yesterday. I need to get those Ketostix to see when I go into Ketosis… hopefully it happens fast. The scary, but good thing about low carb dieting is that if you have one slip up you can knock yourself out of ketosis. It puts the pressure on hard to not drop the ball. Until tomorrow…

Back On It

I don’t know what it is about the past year(or couple years you could say)… but I have had zero motivation to lose weight. It used to be the only thing I cared about and I was so afraid of being bigger again. Now it’s like I have zero self-control. It’s funny because I used to think that if I could just live on my own I would be so skinny because I wouldn’t fill my house with any temptations. That may have been true at that time, but it goes back to motivation. If the motivation is not there than nothing else matters. These past few months I have had zero self-control and it shows in ever thigh dimple and stomach roll. It’s disgusting. I’ve been thinking recently about all the dating I used to do and it wasn’t even a question in my mind that whoever I dated would think I was gorgeous. Now that seems like a laugh. My scale battery has been dead for over a month and I haven’t been quick in replacing it mainly because I’m sure I don’t want to see what it has to say. Anyways, I’m determined to replace that stupid thing today and see where I am. I imagine I might be as high as 160. Actually thinking about this…. I’m not sure I can handle seeing the scale say 160. We’ll see. All I know is I want to go back to miniskirts, tank tops, and no worries. I used to be so effortlessly pretty. I don’t want to stress about finding clothes big enough… I want to go back to trying to find clothes small enough. I feel certain I’m going to do it this time. I’m going to throw myself into this in every way possible. Running, working out, reading anything pro ana…. Watching anything pro ana, limiting time out with people. I can focus on that when I get back to my goal weight. I’ve even put off seeing friends simply because I don’t want them to see what I look like now. I remember how I used to relish in seeing old friends. I wanted them to see how thin and pretty I had become. My parents are visiting me at the end of the month. I don’t want to worry about not wanting to go out with this fat body…. I just want to be thin and care free. I used to be a loose size four and now I’m uncomfortable in my size tens. I miss seeing how flat and thin my stomach was. I swear I can pull at fat from everywhere these days. I’m doing a low carb diet as of today. The next couple days are going to be tough. I’m already kind of dizzy and sick feeling. The first three days are usually the hardest. I just felt this was necessary because I know I can lose weight quickly on a low carb… I know there are lots of low carb foods I enjoy eating. I also like how gaunt you look on a low carb diet. It would be awesome if I could lose 10lbs by the time my parents come…. That gives me 15 days. I think that’s reasonable given the extreme nature of the diet. Also I feel like when you exercise on a low carb diet it’s like weight loss in high gear. Hopefully a thinner me will update you tomorrow.

Water is dangerous

Anything you put in your mouth is worthy of being questioned. Is this worth it? How will this help? Will this hurt my goal? Can I do without this? Am I being weak? So many questions. I'm 149b today. This is exciting because it's the first time I've been in the 40's in so long. It's a really awesome milestone especially so quickly into this round. I saw friends yesterday and we were discussing my diet and I told them I'd lost 10lbs. My friend gasped and quickly responded - "What!?! You don't look like it?!" My other friend quickly jumped and laughed because he realized how that sounded quite rude, but she went on to clarify. The damage was done. I knew what she meant. I didn't look thinner. I still look fat. Kind of crushing, but it also made me more determined. I want ppl to take notice and realize my strength, determination, and will. When I get to 125lbs - they will have to recognize. I imagine in two weeks everyone will very clearly know I've lost weight. I just can't waiver and give into temptation. It's harder and harder to be so strict the further into the diet you go. Your body starts begins to use through it's reserves and you literally begin to feel like you're dying. On a positive note....I'm starting to recognize my body again. I'm starting to remember what it was like to see a perfectly flat stomach and a bony back. I have one thing in my advantage. I have a naturally small frame - especially my upper body. Even at my heavier weights you can still see my collar bones, etc. But now that I'm losing weight I'm starting to be able to see bones in my back more clearly. It's a result I don't think you get with normal weight loss. There is something about starving that affects you differently and you really start to look gaunt and boney. I know this because I have been 140lbs on a normal eating regimen and 140lbs on a starving regimen. The two look very different. I know I haven't lost 11lbs of fat, but I have probably lost at least 6 lbs of true fat. I know because my clothes are starting to fit differently and my waist is getting smaller. Even my thighs are beginning to change. My thighs in general are much different than they have ever been - more toned in general. I believe this is from all the walking I do in the city. Now coupled with the weight loss they are starting to look very good and it's making me hopeful about wearing shorts this summer. I'm so excited to wear little shorts and be skinny and go out with friends and have people be jealous of how thin I am. I can't wait. As I previously mentioned, the goal is to get to at least 145lbs by Saturday. I think I can do better than that, but I don't want to be disappointed if I don't. I think and ideal situation and not totally impossible would be to hit 143lbs by Saturday, but who knows what may actually happen. I suppose we shall see.

It's setting in

Written 3/3 - I’ve been on this diet for 6 days now. I’m down 9lbs at 151lbs today. The only thing gaining on me is depression. Why is it that you get so glum when you stop eating? Everything is annoying me and I feel frustrated about everything. It’s hard to even get excited about weight loss right now because I’m not excited about this weight regardless. See last time was different. Last time I was entering weights I had never been before and beyond that….I was enjoying my results every step of the way because I was continually looking better and better. Now it’s hard though….I know what it’s like to be super skinny and therefore this isn’t exciting. It’s depressing. Yesterday was my birthday and it was so wonderful because my coworkers through this over the top birthday party for me! I couldn’t believe it. No one had ever had a party like that before. It was hard though because everyone made baked goods and we went to dinner and I couldn’t eat anything and everyone was asking questions and it was embarrassing. I felt guilty. One thing is for sure, that was the most special birthday of my life and I’ll never forget it. I started today. It’s made me really sick and I’m running to the bathroom like every 5min. I suppose the positive to that is that I might lose a little more weight with everything running through me like this. I’ve only had 200 calories today. It’s always exciting when you reallllllly restrict, but scary too because you feel like you have to top it and I don’t know how I can go with less. My friends decided they are going to take me to a legit NY night club where it’s hard to get in and the doorman picks and chooses by whoever is hottest. I’m realllllllly stressed. It’s in two weeks and idk if I can be hot in two weeks. I need to lose at least 12 more pounds. I don’t think I’ll feel good about myself until I’m in the 130’s. I think by Saturday I’ll be 149 and that will be awesome at least to finally be back in the 40’s. It’s actually been at least 4-5 months since I’ve been there. Actually, I just looked at the calendar. If I can maintain this rate of weight loss I could be thinner than 139 by that day…..maybe even 135. But I won’t get myself worked up for a let down. I’m just going to push to be 139 and cross my fingers for better. It’s tricky though because I have a conference coming up in 9 days and I’m going to be forced to eat out w/ ppl the entire time. I hate questions. I hate people staring. Until next time.

Memories

Written on 3/1 Can you believe that once upon a time I was nearly underweight. I was just looking to see whether 120 or 121 was the starting point for underweight and it’s 121. I was 125 at one point. Only four pounds from success and I didn’t even really feel like it then. I was nowhere near a size 0. I was wearing size 4’s at the time. That’s kind of depressing when I think about it. Like how thin would I have to be to fit in something that small. I’m starting to feel like it’s not even humanly possible for me to be a size zero. I’m probably genetically predisposed to be humongous. I’m almost 5 days into this diet and I’m finally starting to feel the fatigue. It felt harder to walk my commute today and I was generally more irritable. It’s weird because I don’t even feel really skinny right now. Not even “diet skinny”(when you start feeling lighter and your stomach shrinks in making you feel thinner than you are). I just feel fat and miserable because I’m fat and hungry. It’s not even that I want to eat….It’s that I just feel annoyed with being this big and knowing it’s do or die time. Like there come a point in your weight loss where while you might not enjoy starving all the time, but you start to feel good about the flatness that’s starting to take over your stomach and you feel encouraged by regular results on the scale. I don’t feel that way yet. I just feel big, ugly, and uncomfortable. There’s a weird feeling of my chubby arms touching my sides that really bothers me. It feels like I’m humongous. I hate how my chest now moves when I walk. My chest used to be non-existent and now I feel it flopping around when I walk. So annoying and not cute. I own a pair of veryyy tiny Hollister shorts that I used to wear two summers ago. I’m determined to fit in those soon. I used to wear those everyday with a little tank top and not give it a second thought. I was tiny! I feel encouraged just thinking of those times. It’s hard because no one here knows what I used to be like. No one knows that I used to be super skinny and pretty. They just know me as my hefty size now, but I can’t wait to show them. I can’t wait to show them the skinny, pretty version of me they never got to see.

Let's begin again

This was written 3/1. I can’t believe I never updated this thing in all of 2015. So much happened, but I guess it wasn’t anything I felt like saying. In Summer 2014, things were great. It’s funny how your perception of a time can change because from the blogs I wrote during that time, it doesn’t seem like I was all that happy. But I was skinny. I was in the best shape of my life. I was super fit and getting toned. I think my weight got to 125lbs. AH-MAZING. I was soooo strict though. I would allow myself very heavily creamed coffee and occasionally some less healthy foods, but overall my diet was very regimented and I tended to eat only good foods. As fall came, I had relaxed my diet and exercise. I had gained probably 5-7lbs. I was less strict, but still ate relatively well(boiled eggs, fruit, coffee, fairly frequent exercise). I wasn’t thrilled with my weight, but I also wasn’t worried about it. I was still thin and I was ok with my body. Something terrible began to happen though. I began to notice that gluten was bothering me(stomach issues,headaches) and my hair began falling out pretty bad. By late fall, my hair was incredibly thin and I was getting heavier(maybe 137lbs). I continued to feel frustrated and concerned, but I kept trying to ignore things because work was consuming far too much time to be stressed about anything else. By winter I had very little hair left. The baldness was getting extremely noticeable and it was hard to cover with extensions at this point. I began to see a specialist by November/December. At this point I was 140lbs….and I knew I was going to have to purchase a wig soon. This all gave me so much anxiety that I began to eat more. I knew this was all related to my thyroid, and my levels were all messed up. But doctors could not give me an answer as to how to fix things. During this time, the specialist I was seeing was crap. He refused to acknowledge the hair loss as a problem and admonished me that I shouldn’t gain any more weight beyond 140lbs. Rule #1 …..Don’t say things like that to anyone, particularly females, and particularly someone with ED issues. Nothing was getting better. In January I finally purchased a wig and putting it on my head the first day was the first time I really had to acknowledge what had happened. I was fat, I had lost almost all my hair, and I was wearing a wig. I had a full scale breakdown that day. From there I resolved that I would not wear an ugly synthetic wig. If this was my reality then I was going to at least have awesome hair. So I learned to make wigs. Within about a month I had made my first human hair wig. It was really beautiful and it really did temporarily make me feel better. Unfortunately, not being able to go to the gym(I couldn’t wear it there) was still an issue that was not helping my waistline. I continued to gain weight not only because I couldn’t work out, but because my thyroid was incredibly low, and I was depressed about it all – therefore I turned to food. Let’s fast forward to now. I’ve moved. My hair has been coming back in phases. I never got any real answers as to what happened with my thyroid, but it continues to cause problems. And most importantly, I’m 155lbs. Yes, that is correct …..1-5-5lbs….. How I let myself continue to gain until I got here I don’t know. TBH, this isn’t even the worst. I’ve lost 5lbs. The day I saw 160lbs was really a trigger I’d been waiting for. Something to horrify me into getting back on track. Last week, I had gone out for drinks with friends and I was starving on my way home. So I ordered a pizza. When I got home I ate every slice but one. The only reason I didn’t eat the last slice is because I forced myself to throw it in the garbage before I changed my mind. I think it was a full blown binge. That night I determined that I would not eat the entire next day because I had to take drastic measures. That leads me to now….5lbs down. I am actually feeling pretty good about my motivation levels. There is just something that switches in your brain when you have ED issues. You almost come to feel it and you can definitely tell when things have switched. I no longer care about my hunger. It’s not about that. It’s about how awesome I feel when I know I’m not eating and no one can stop me. I feel strong. I feel powerful. I feel like – “I’ll show you.” The food can’t matter when you feel like that. I miss when I used to really starve….I mean really starve(100calories a day). I lived for fitting rooms and mirrors and compliments and new outfits and dropping pounds on the scale. Everything else was petty and irrelevant. My skin was flawless, my body was awesome, my periods became non-existent. I felt like I was always nearing perfection. I felt good about life. I felt like everything was going to be ok. The strange thing is – when you haven’t flipped this switch in your mind - you really do think food will comfort you…. Food will help fill some void, but it doesn’t. Food lies. Food promises all those things, but it never delivers them. I’ve set a goal to be 140lbs in 3 weeks when my friend comes to visit. I don’t want him to see me this weight and I don’t want to look this way period anymore. March 18th – 140lbs. I’m not sure what phase 2 will look like but I’d really like to see 120 finally. I’d love to finally hit “underweight”….. then I would for sure know I was perfect. Then no one could ever question it. It would be fact. One things for sure – summer is coming. With summer brings shorts and tank tops and hot days….. all things that do not mix with being fat. I have got to lose this weight and I have got to lose it fast. Here’s the full plan: 3/5 – 150lbs 3/11 – 145lbs 3/18 – 140lbs 4/2 – 135lbs 4/15 – 130lbs I’m building in probably more time than necessary just for an complications or issues that might arise. Reason being is that I’m having company 3/18-3/27 and I’m worried that this might cause issues. Also, because I have vacation the week after that. Hopefully I’ll be at a point where I’m even more motivated to push harder over that week and realllllly starve, but you never know what may happen and I don’t want to discourage myself if my goals are too aggressive. Until next time.