Okay so I'm 134 today = ) yayyyyy!
I'm just going to keep on with the program till I hit that glorious 130 or 129....we'll see.
My sister comes home today and I haven't seen her in 3 years so I'm so excited about that. It will provide a great distraction from the stress of this diet.
Anyways....see you at 133!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
So Happy I Could Die
Omg! It's a weight loss miracle! Usually at this stage in the starvation process each pound gets harder and harder to lose, but apparently not today! I got on the scales just to make sure I was still 136 before I went to bed(because I'm obsessed and insane like that) and it turns out that I'm 135!!!!! How in the world is it even possible!?!
I have no idea how I dropped 2 pounds in a day this far into my "fasting" but I did. Now usually whatever I weigh when I go to bed...I weigh exactly 1 pound less than by morning. I don't want to push my luck, but I could possibly weigh 134 tomorrow and that would essentially mean that I skipped a day in this weight loss process!
I know I've been much more active than usual this past week so maybe my metabolism is revved up from all the walking in the cold to my classes(I have a long walk from my parking garage) but I still wouldn't think it would mean anything this amazing!
We'll see what happens in the morning but I had to post about this miraculous event! I can't believe I'm only days away from my 1st major goal if 130! I'm almost at 130!!!!!!! I've never been 130 in my whole adult life!
Ughh in the words of Lady Gaga...So happy I could die!
I have no idea how I dropped 2 pounds in a day this far into my "fasting" but I did. Now usually whatever I weigh when I go to bed...I weigh exactly 1 pound less than by morning. I don't want to push my luck, but I could possibly weigh 134 tomorrow and that would essentially mean that I skipped a day in this weight loss process!
I know I've been much more active than usual this past week so maybe my metabolism is revved up from all the walking in the cold to my classes(I have a long walk from my parking garage) but I still wouldn't think it would mean anything this amazing!
We'll see what happens in the morning but I had to post about this miraculous event! I can't believe I'm only days away from my 1st major goal if 130! I'm almost at 130!!!!!!! I've never been 130 in my whole adult life!
Ughh in the words of Lady Gaga...So happy I could die!
Counting down the days!
Okay so I feel like most of my blog posts are written at a moment of frustration and are a form of venting for me, but today's post is pretty positive because everything is going the way it should in diet world. = )
I get mad when I feel temptation to eat because despite the fact that should be a completely normal response considering how little I eat....I just know that in the past I would do 100 calories for long periods of time and not even be tempted to cheat, but here lately I've been tempted. I haven't let myself but that doesn't take away this feeling of being disappointed in myself. Well any ways I'm not even tempted today. I'm focused and on track and so today...I am pretty happy.
I hit 136 today! Holla! haha I'm so happy about that. I just hope the daily pound loss lasts until 130. I know it's going to get harder to consistently drop a pound over the next week so I'm going to have to up the exercise! I think it's going to be okay though because the weight loss has mentally energized me! Like I'm so excited about hitting this goal that I think I can also find the motivation to move a little more. = )
I'm just going to try and stay on this streak until next Thursday now. I was going to stop when I hit 130, but I think it will be important for me to see 129. So that's the new goal and I can do this! We'll see.... = )
Okay so it feels repetitive to say my daily intake since it's obviously the same as always but anyways:
Toast: 100 calories
= 100
So hopefully next time I'm writing at 135!
I get mad when I feel temptation to eat because despite the fact that should be a completely normal response considering how little I eat....I just know that in the past I would do 100 calories for long periods of time and not even be tempted to cheat, but here lately I've been tempted. I haven't let myself but that doesn't take away this feeling of being disappointed in myself. Well any ways I'm not even tempted today. I'm focused and on track and so today...I am pretty happy.
I hit 136 today! Holla! haha I'm so happy about that. I just hope the daily pound loss lasts until 130. I know it's going to get harder to consistently drop a pound over the next week so I'm going to have to up the exercise! I think it's going to be okay though because the weight loss has mentally energized me! Like I'm so excited about hitting this goal that I think I can also find the motivation to move a little more. = )
I'm just going to try and stay on this streak until next Thursday now. I was going to stop when I hit 130, but I think it will be important for me to see 129. So that's the new goal and I can do this! We'll see.... = )
Okay so it feels repetitive to say my daily intake since it's obviously the same as always but anyways:
Toast: 100 calories
= 100
So hopefully next time I'm writing at 135!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
137...
I hit a new all time low. 137. I'm weak, shaking, frail, and tired. I think my Mom is finally finally really worried. She hasn't blinked an eye in all the times I've told her about purging and starving, ect. but now she seems genuinely worried that maybe things are getting out of hand. I guess it's because I'm finally looking really thin. I can wear a 4/6 now and I was about a 6/8 two weeks ago. The funny things is I still don't feel thin....still dont! I see all the problem spots and none of the skinny. Anyways....I just have to make it through today and from here everything gets easier the rest of the week.
Oh and I almost forgot...
Total Calorie intake:
Toast: 100
= 100 :)
I may write tonight, but maybe not....It's going to be a long day.
Oh and I almost forgot...
Total Calorie intake:
Toast: 100
= 100 :)
I may write tonight, but maybe not....It's going to be a long day.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Impatience Problem
I am the most impatient person....I want things instantaneously and I get disappointed when unrealistic goals are not met.
I hit 138. Random....I wasn't expecting that but I stepped on the scale for probably the 100th time today and saw 138. Shock. Happiness. Pure Joy.
The problem is I am extremely hungry and totally ready to binge. Now I know that this is not what I TRULYYYY want, but regardless it's what I'm tempted to do and whenever this happens it makes me start thinking about how I let myself get to this point! I always do this to myself! I starve...I eat far less than most anorexics even and I plan on 1lb weight loss every day....and when I(an imperfect person) cannot meet those demands I put on myself I explode into binging maniac and nearly suicidal freak.
Why can't I eat 500 calories and just steadily lose the weight? I ask myself this alll the time, but the same arguments end up running through my head. Five hundred calories would be good if I wasn't so fat, but i'm so fat that i HAVE to get "such and such" amount off and THEN i can slow things down...I never end up reaching that point where I can slow things down...never. I was supposed to reach that point at 160...then at 150...then 140...and now I'm 138 and still feel no where near that point. Then I think well why not do it anyways. Then I start thinking about what I could eat with 500 calories and it doesn't seem like very much so I'm like "Why eat so few more calories and NOT lose a pound a day ...I might as well just hold on to my 100 calories as long as possible and get it over with." of course the hundred calories does work because it's gotten me this far, but oh dear heavens....to think of 1 more week of this. I have GOT to get better at purging or i'll never make it. NEVER.
I SERIOUSLY NEED TIPS FOR PURGING! I'm going to have to do it either way and maybe some better tips will help me not bust any more blood vessels in my freakin eye. ugh
To say I'm a little cranky from hunger would be an understatement right now.
I will stop taking it out on here....I just pray I don't binge tonight. Prayyyyy.
I hit 138. Random....I wasn't expecting that but I stepped on the scale for probably the 100th time today and saw 138. Shock. Happiness. Pure Joy.
The problem is I am extremely hungry and totally ready to binge. Now I know that this is not what I TRULYYYY want, but regardless it's what I'm tempted to do and whenever this happens it makes me start thinking about how I let myself get to this point! I always do this to myself! I starve...I eat far less than most anorexics even and I plan on 1lb weight loss every day....and when I(an imperfect person) cannot meet those demands I put on myself I explode into binging maniac and nearly suicidal freak.
Why can't I eat 500 calories and just steadily lose the weight? I ask myself this alll the time, but the same arguments end up running through my head. Five hundred calories would be good if I wasn't so fat, but i'm so fat that i HAVE to get "such and such" amount off and THEN i can slow things down...I never end up reaching that point where I can slow things down...never. I was supposed to reach that point at 160...then at 150...then 140...and now I'm 138 and still feel no where near that point. Then I think well why not do it anyways. Then I start thinking about what I could eat with 500 calories and it doesn't seem like very much so I'm like "Why eat so few more calories and NOT lose a pound a day ...I might as well just hold on to my 100 calories as long as possible and get it over with." of course the hundred calories does work because it's gotten me this far, but oh dear heavens....to think of 1 more week of this. I have GOT to get better at purging or i'll never make it. NEVER.
I SERIOUSLY NEED TIPS FOR PURGING! I'm going to have to do it either way and maybe some better tips will help me not bust any more blood vessels in my freakin eye. ugh
To say I'm a little cranky from hunger would be an understatement right now.
I will stop taking it out on here....I just pray I don't binge tonight. Prayyyyy.
Moment by moment...
Thats how I have to take things....I just have to deal with this diet, the urges, the temptations, the setbacks, the ups, the downs...all moment by moment...or else I'm likely to fall apart.
You know what's crazy? I was 139 today. Not 143. Not 141. Not even my hopeful 140...No, I was 139! I was happy and I still am, but I just want to be so much further along. I want a binge to feel justified. I want to feel like it's ok because I've gotten to a safe enough weight.
I'm making a plan that I should be able to hit 130 by next Thursday. So you may be wondering if I'll actually be able to hold out til then. Well i am wondering the same thing because to be honest I'm tempted to binge even today. Granted...I've had a lot of down time today which leads to those kinds of thoughts, but here is why I think I'll be able to hold out until then.
I'm covering new ground this time! Seeing a new all time low has always been motivation for me throughout this diet, but I haven't hit a lot of new lows in recent months. = ( Actually 138 was the first new low since December....meh.
Anyways I at the very least will hit 135 by Saturday which is good enough for me for right now because that's 5 pounds less than the thinnest my co-workers have ever seen me.
Oh...I forgot to mention something about purging the other night during my binge. It was harder than usual and I burst blood vessels around my eyes....lovely! Also I've had a sore throat ever since. Also lovely. That scared me because it could have been much worse...like a burst blood vessel IN my eye.
I just don't have good blood circulation and I never have...and that being coupled with my lack of a gag reflex makes purging HARD.
Well anyways I'll update tomorrow. Hope everyone is doing splendidly on their diet. =)
You know what's crazy? I was 139 today. Not 143. Not 141. Not even my hopeful 140...No, I was 139! I was happy and I still am, but I just want to be so much further along. I want a binge to feel justified. I want to feel like it's ok because I've gotten to a safe enough weight.
I'm making a plan that I should be able to hit 130 by next Thursday. So you may be wondering if I'll actually be able to hold out til then. Well i am wondering the same thing because to be honest I'm tempted to binge even today. Granted...I've had a lot of down time today which leads to those kinds of thoughts, but here is why I think I'll be able to hold out until then.
I'm covering new ground this time! Seeing a new all time low has always been motivation for me throughout this diet, but I haven't hit a lot of new lows in recent months. = ( Actually 138 was the first new low since December....meh.
Anyways I at the very least will hit 135 by Saturday which is good enough for me for right now because that's 5 pounds less than the thinnest my co-workers have ever seen me.
Oh...I forgot to mention something about purging the other night during my binge. It was harder than usual and I burst blood vessels around my eyes....lovely! Also I've had a sore throat ever since. Also lovely. That scared me because it could have been much worse...like a burst blood vessel IN my eye.
I just don't have good blood circulation and I never have...and that being coupled with my lack of a gag reflex makes purging HARD.
Well anyways I'll update tomorrow. Hope everyone is doing splendidly on their diet. =)
Monday, January 24, 2011
So hard
So I'm just discouraged today because I did what I knew i shouldn't...weigh myself. I never weigh myself until 2 days after a binge because you have to wait for everything to balance back out. I know myself and seeing a high number can trigger a binge. Well before I got on I prepared myself by thinking worst case scenerio....143. Well i stepped on (btw another reason I shouldn't have gotten on andddd why I guess-timated 143 is because I have probably 2lbs of liquid in me...I just had had a bunch to drink) the scale and guess what! 143... = (. Well I went to the bathroom several more times and expected to step back on the scale seeing 142 at least, but no...still 143! The first time I saw 143 I was okay, but after having gotten rid of quite a bit of liquids and still seeing it...well I was devastated....and I instantly thought about binging...but decided no. I just need to wait it out until tomorrow and I'm hoping and guessing that i'll actually weigh 141. I think 141 sounds about right because I usually "gain" 2-3 pounds after a binge. If I actually weigh 141 I am ok with that number....but 143 for real would be crushing.
If I do weigh 141 tomorrow than I possibly have a chance at hitting 135 by the end of the month, but only that... ughhh
So frustrating. Soooooo frustrating.
I just want in the lower 130's, but I'll never get there without some serious hardcore dieting and recoup days...and NO binging.
Today I ate:
Toast: 100 calories
.................
So yea..I'm back on the plan. I just hope the plan is back with me.
If I do weigh 141 tomorrow than I possibly have a chance at hitting 135 by the end of the month, but only that... ughhh
So frustrating. Soooooo frustrating.
I just want in the lower 130's, but I'll never get there without some serious hardcore dieting and recoup days...and NO binging.
Today I ate:
Toast: 100 calories
.................
So yea..I'm back on the plan. I just hope the plan is back with me.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I binged...
I hit 138 and I binged...how did this happen? Momentary insanity. I will tell you this...I got that need out of my system and I will be back for another week of dieting starting tomorrow. I just needed to confess...things aren't the same anymore. I used to binge for days and stay away from blogger in shame, but I refuse to hide from the fact that i screwed up. I did it and I'm going to make it right!
I purged half of it and I took exlax so hopefully i've covered myself somewhat. I'm going to go liquid crazy tomorrow and cleanse out this system. I have one week to get myself back on track.
Let's forget the mistakes and do this thing!
I purged half of it and I took exlax so hopefully i've covered myself somewhat. I'm going to go liquid crazy tomorrow and cleanse out this system. I have one week to get myself back on track.
Let's forget the mistakes and do this thing!
Progress should be daily
I didn't hit 138...idk why either! I did my diet exactly! I guess my metabolism did crash, but I was so upset about not seeing 138 this morning that I couldn't bring myself to follow through with the broccoli plan I had agreed upon...Eating like that would only make me feel worse. Instead I stuck to diet and ate my usual:
Toast: 100
Vegan link: 50
=150
I mean I guess I should drop the vegan link but thats the only thing keeping me from passing out! I'm exhausted non stop...if I eat any less I'll probably drop dead rather than drop weight.
I know the broccoli is inevitable, but I also know that eating it today feels wrong so i can't. I think maybe I'll do it tomorrow once I have it better planned out.
Here's how I think it will go:
1 cup of steamed broccoli every hour on the hour from the time I wake up till I go to bed for 2 days. Then resume my 100 calorie business. I think eating that consistently, but that little will be enough to boost my metabolism back up a bit. I don't think I should gain any weight because even if I have about 10 cups of it(which is what I'm figuring I'll have) then I'll still have only had 300 calories AND it's got no fat and only a few carbs...So really it may be better for me than my 100 calorie business. The sad thing is that I won't be able to weigh for two days(which makes me feel out of control) anddddd I will most likely feel fat. Very fat. Because anything outside of my safe zone(100 calorie diet) makes me feel like a heffer and therefore depressed.
So I'm thinking if by eating the broccoli I can boost my metabolism and maintain my weight(which will hopefully be 138 by tonight or tomorrow) then I can resume diet on Wednesday which gives me just enough time to hit 135 by my next work day....which meanssss I will be thinner by the next time my co-workers see me.
do I sound insane? I feel insane. I feel truly out of control and miserable. I just want to keep eating 100 calories and losing a pound a day and get this weight loss over with! My drive is not the problem right now...it's my body!! ughhhh
I'll probably update tonight...
Toast: 100
Vegan link: 50
=150
I mean I guess I should drop the vegan link but thats the only thing keeping me from passing out! I'm exhausted non stop...if I eat any less I'll probably drop dead rather than drop weight.
I know the broccoli is inevitable, but I also know that eating it today feels wrong so i can't. I think maybe I'll do it tomorrow once I have it better planned out.
Here's how I think it will go:
1 cup of steamed broccoli every hour on the hour from the time I wake up till I go to bed for 2 days. Then resume my 100 calorie business. I think eating that consistently, but that little will be enough to boost my metabolism back up a bit. I don't think I should gain any weight because even if I have about 10 cups of it(which is what I'm figuring I'll have) then I'll still have only had 300 calories AND it's got no fat and only a few carbs...So really it may be better for me than my 100 calorie business. The sad thing is that I won't be able to weigh for two days(which makes me feel out of control) anddddd I will most likely feel fat. Very fat. Because anything outside of my safe zone(100 calorie diet) makes me feel like a heffer and therefore depressed.
So I'm thinking if by eating the broccoli I can boost my metabolism and maintain my weight(which will hopefully be 138 by tonight or tomorrow) then I can resume diet on Wednesday which gives me just enough time to hit 135 by my next work day....which meanssss I will be thinner by the next time my co-workers see me.
do I sound insane? I feel insane. I feel truly out of control and miserable. I just want to keep eating 100 calories and losing a pound a day and get this weight loss over with! My drive is not the problem right now...it's my body!! ughhhh
I'll probably update tonight...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Struggle
Okay so I followed my diet exactly like I had planned for today. I also worked which burned some calories I'm sure. Hopefully I'll see 138 tomorrow...I feel like I won't for some ridiculous unknown reason...I guess its because I never have before. I just keep feeling like this won't happen and that's a bad mindset to be in because if you don't believe it will happen then it won't.
I've just got to keep on trucking along with this diet and staying focused and I'll hit my dream weight and more.
My work has mirrors EVERYWHERE...of course because its a retail store...well anyways I always get depressed at work because I have to keep looking at myself in mirrors and feeling fat.
Another reason I've got to lose weight is because the last time so many people at work saw me I was juggling the same few pounds I've been running between(low 140's)....well anyways the next time I work is next Saturday and I want to blow people away with how much more thin I've gotten. I want people to take me seriously with this weight loss because no one will take you seriously when you are not losing weight...obviously. So I havvvvvvve to stay on diet this week. I've made it this many days then I can certainly make it a few more...I just worry that my metabolism won't agree. I guess I should step up my working out in order to compensate for how much it wants to slow down.
Well I'm off...I pray I hit 138 tomorrow....PRAY.
I've just got to keep on trucking along with this diet and staying focused and I'll hit my dream weight and more.
My work has mirrors EVERYWHERE...of course because its a retail store...well anyways I always get depressed at work because I have to keep looking at myself in mirrors and feeling fat.
Another reason I've got to lose weight is because the last time so many people at work saw me I was juggling the same few pounds I've been running between(low 140's)....well anyways the next time I work is next Saturday and I want to blow people away with how much more thin I've gotten. I want people to take me seriously with this weight loss because no one will take you seriously when you are not losing weight...obviously. So I havvvvvvve to stay on diet this week. I've made it this many days then I can certainly make it a few more...I just worry that my metabolism won't agree. I guess I should step up my working out in order to compensate for how much it wants to slow down.
Well I'm off...I pray I hit 138 tomorrow....PRAY.
I'll never be going back...
So I hit 139. The difference between this time and the first time I hit 139 is that the first time 139 was the stopping point for that spurt, but right now it's the taking off point.
Idk why but I just have this sense that today is going to be hard. I've been on a fast basically for 6 days now and I just really have to have my guard up because I'm likely to stumble...not from lack of willpower, but lack of strength. Idk I guess at this point I'd rather pass out than jeopardize this diet....we'll see what happens. I am very week. There's no way this could really go on for 9 more days, but then again if it doesn't I'll be crushed and feel like a failure.
Today I'm going to eat the following:
Toast: 100
Vegan link: 50
= 150
We'll see what happens.... I shouldnt have any real trouble doing it because I'm used to this, but anyways...
You know what I did realize yesterday....I always talk about my weight in the most negative ways...like I don't celebrate my goal reaching moments rather I complain that its never enough. When I hit 147 the other week instead of being real about 7lbs
I played it down when I lost it...like that two of those pounds weren't real loss they were constipation. Why didn't I just celebrate losing 7lbs and shut up?
I know the base of this illness is self hate, but I have got to start thinking more positively. Got to.
Well anyways I'm off....I'll probably post later!
Idk why but I just have this sense that today is going to be hard. I've been on a fast basically for 6 days now and I just really have to have my guard up because I'm likely to stumble...not from lack of willpower, but lack of strength. Idk I guess at this point I'd rather pass out than jeopardize this diet....we'll see what happens. I am very week. There's no way this could really go on for 9 more days, but then again if it doesn't I'll be crushed and feel like a failure.
Today I'm going to eat the following:
Toast: 100
Vegan link: 50
= 150
We'll see what happens.... I shouldnt have any real trouble doing it because I'm used to this, but anyways...
You know what I did realize yesterday....I always talk about my weight in the most negative ways...like I don't celebrate my goal reaching moments rather I complain that its never enough. When I hit 147 the other week instead of being real about 7lbs
I played it down when I lost it...like that two of those pounds weren't real loss they were constipation. Why didn't I just celebrate losing 7lbs and shut up?
I know the base of this illness is self hate, but I have got to start thinking more positively. Got to.
Well anyways I'm off....I'll probably post later!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Today was scary
Okay so today started great with such motivation and enthusiasm for my diet, but one aspect I left out of the day was the fact that I woke up at 2am last night and couldnt go back to sleep alllllllll night. I just tossed and turned. This is one of the aspects of the 100 calorie diet i could do without. I hateeeee not being able to sleep. I've been taking sleeping pills for a while now and I guess they aren't phasing my system like they used to. I hate to overdose when i'm already empty because my Mom keeps freaking me out by warning me that being as empty as I am and taking more than recommended I could stop my heart. It scares me because my heart hurts sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. I'm telling you it's this gnawing god-awful pain all day long. It never lets up until I eat more. So after all that and my mom made cole slaw today which is a favourite of mine....I kind of wanted to eat, but I can't because I haveeeee to get well within the 130's before I let myself.
So I went to my room and started watching dieting/anorexia/bulimia things on YouTube. I always do this for thinspo...well I started watching this one Dr. Phil episode I had never watched before with twins and one was anorexic/bulimic...she was talking about heart pains and how it scared her and literally my heart was already hurting so bad and then the anxiety of hearing this girl say that....I nearly had some sort of panic attack and quickly turned it off. This heart business is troubling. It didn't use to scare me that much, but it's so intense that I do worry about it now.
Another upsetting thing about the day was that I had to order a bridesmaid dress for my friends wedding in April 2012. Why was this bad? According to my measurements I am between sizes and so i had to pick between the two. Now this shouldn't be a problem either way because by then I should be for sure at least 120, but here's the thing...the dress could only be taken in three sizes....so do I pick the larger one and not be able to take it in enough when I need to or do I take the smaller one and not be able to fit into it for some disastrous reason. What could happen in over a years time! I could suddenly gain a ton of weight...I could be 110 and not fit in any of it period...I could really embarrass myself come April 2012 regardless of which direction this goes. I just didn't need something counting on my weight like this. i already put myself under enough pressure as it is and now I have real reason to be stressed. I went with the smaller size because I said "I will be thinner and if i choose the bigger one that gives me more reason not to try".
I'm just frustrated because I realize how difficult its going to be to get these next 10 pounds off because I doubt they can come off in ten consecutive days and once we add eating into the mix thats a whole new battle...and besides that I won't even feel comfortable eating food till I see 135 and at that point I'll need to limit myself to the broccoli only diet that I decided upon...I just worry. I worry about doing it and I worry about not doing it. I'm stressed in every direction. I just want to drop this weight off now and have some cushion room. Like if I hit 130 and binged I wouldn't feel bad about seeing 133 or 135, but I CANNOT limbo around these 140's anymore. It's just been 5 days of 100-ish calories and thats enough to drive anyone a little loopy.
Adding to the stress is the fact that my sister comes home in 1 week exactly and I haven't seen her in nearly 3 yrs. Last time she saw me I was a heffer and I don't want to be chubby when she gets here...I want to be like 133. = (
Ughhhh idk... I'm like an emotional rollercoaster. My mind tells me to just let Ana do her thing and everything else will be fine, but my gut(obviously) is telling me this is heading towards a horrible crash if I don't eat now or work out some better diet.
So I went to my room and started watching dieting/anorexia/bulimia things on YouTube. I always do this for thinspo...well I started watching this one Dr. Phil episode I had never watched before with twins and one was anorexic/bulimic...she was talking about heart pains and how it scared her and literally my heart was already hurting so bad and then the anxiety of hearing this girl say that....I nearly had some sort of panic attack and quickly turned it off. This heart business is troubling. It didn't use to scare me that much, but it's so intense that I do worry about it now.
Another upsetting thing about the day was that I had to order a bridesmaid dress for my friends wedding in April 2012. Why was this bad? According to my measurements I am between sizes and so i had to pick between the two. Now this shouldn't be a problem either way because by then I should be for sure at least 120, but here's the thing...the dress could only be taken in three sizes....so do I pick the larger one and not be able to take it in enough when I need to or do I take the smaller one and not be able to fit into it for some disastrous reason. What could happen in over a years time! I could suddenly gain a ton of weight...I could be 110 and not fit in any of it period...I could really embarrass myself come April 2012 regardless of which direction this goes. I just didn't need something counting on my weight like this. i already put myself under enough pressure as it is and now I have real reason to be stressed. I went with the smaller size because I said "I will be thinner and if i choose the bigger one that gives me more reason not to try".
I'm just frustrated because I realize how difficult its going to be to get these next 10 pounds off because I doubt they can come off in ten consecutive days and once we add eating into the mix thats a whole new battle...and besides that I won't even feel comfortable eating food till I see 135 and at that point I'll need to limit myself to the broccoli only diet that I decided upon...I just worry. I worry about doing it and I worry about not doing it. I'm stressed in every direction. I just want to drop this weight off now and have some cushion room. Like if I hit 130 and binged I wouldn't feel bad about seeing 133 or 135, but I CANNOT limbo around these 140's anymore. It's just been 5 days of 100-ish calories and thats enough to drive anyone a little loopy.
Adding to the stress is the fact that my sister comes home in 1 week exactly and I haven't seen her in nearly 3 yrs. Last time she saw me I was a heffer and I don't want to be chubby when she gets here...I want to be like 133. = (
Ughhhh idk... I'm like an emotional rollercoaster. My mind tells me to just let Ana do her thing and everything else will be fine, but my gut(obviously) is telling me this is heading towards a horrible crash if I don't eat now or work out some better diet.
Title change!
Okay so I changed the title of the blog ...for the third time! haha I just like to mix it up and that's one of my favourite lyrics.
I'm 140 today! Hoorah! I can't believe I was here two weeks ago and everything went wrong and it took an entire week to set it straight! Anyways it's exciting to think that this is the last day I will ever see 140-anything! The next time I weigh that much will be when I'm pregnant haha ...which btw I don't think I've ever mentioned this before but I'm OBSESSED with having kids. It's my greatest goal in life(I want 4 kids and I already have their names haha) and sometimes I worry because I haven't had a period in like 6 months...what if I do permanent damage and am unable to conceive in the future. :/ It's one of my biggest worries with this thing.
Anyways so yea I will never see 140 again...It occurred to me last night while I was planning things I could eat the next time I decide to binge that binging was never an option before. In fact the first time I did it I cried...now these are planned events! The whole thing made me realize thats whats screwing me up! The binges do so much damage that it takes so long to get back to the weight I was before the binge that by the time i get there I'm demotivated....especially due to the fact that after a binge I begin to realize again how much I love eating. So binges are out. OUTTTTT!
Even with purging. Like they may happen, but I'm no longer counting on them or planning them. I'm back in diet lifestyle mode where I'm eating to live and not living to eat. Mentally this is a hard place to reach so now that I'm here I need to milk it for all it's worth. That means that once my metabolism crashes and I'm not dropping 1lb a day even at 100 calories....I'm not going to binge. Rather I am going to eat 500 calories...I decided that a great way to boost my metabolism would be to take like 3 days and only eat broccoli. Broccoli is one of my favourite foods and its one of the best NON-starchy vegetables so it's perfectly good to eat large quantities of it. 1 cup has about 30 calories....so even if you ate 16 cups...you'd still be just under 500 calories. So yea...basically thats the plan! Plussss broccoli runs through you quickly haha So no days of staying constipated with a binge and no exlax abuse.
Here's the calorie intake for yesterday:
Toast: 100
Jello: 50
Vegan link: 50
Crystal light candies: 50
= 250
So I know that's alot more than I planned, but I had a mini crisis yesterday. While showering I realized I was extremely weak and I started shaking really bad. When I got out of the shower it was all I could do to make it down the stairs and eat some jello and a vegan sausage. Hence, the additional calories.
I felt bad about it, but I really couldn't help it....it was eat or pass out.
Anyways todays calorie intake:
Toast: 70
vegan links: 100
= 170
So I compromised my toast in order to have the protein in the vegan sausage because I know I needed that more. I know it's more calories than I intend, but I felt like it was necessary since yesterday freaked me out. Plus I thought I was going to work tonight and therefore burn off some calories, but they cut my shift. = (
Well thats all I plan on consuming today! I'm so happy everything is back on track!
Like I always say...I hope if you're reading this your dieting ventures are going just as well or better! = )
I'm 140 today! Hoorah! I can't believe I was here two weeks ago and everything went wrong and it took an entire week to set it straight! Anyways it's exciting to think that this is the last day I will ever see 140-anything! The next time I weigh that much will be when I'm pregnant haha ...which btw I don't think I've ever mentioned this before but I'm OBSESSED with having kids. It's my greatest goal in life(I want 4 kids and I already have their names haha) and sometimes I worry because I haven't had a period in like 6 months...what if I do permanent damage and am unable to conceive in the future. :/ It's one of my biggest worries with this thing.
Anyways so yea I will never see 140 again...It occurred to me last night while I was planning things I could eat the next time I decide to binge that binging was never an option before. In fact the first time I did it I cried...now these are planned events! The whole thing made me realize thats whats screwing me up! The binges do so much damage that it takes so long to get back to the weight I was before the binge that by the time i get there I'm demotivated....especially due to the fact that after a binge I begin to realize again how much I love eating. So binges are out. OUTTTTT!
Even with purging. Like they may happen, but I'm no longer counting on them or planning them. I'm back in diet lifestyle mode where I'm eating to live and not living to eat. Mentally this is a hard place to reach so now that I'm here I need to milk it for all it's worth. That means that once my metabolism crashes and I'm not dropping 1lb a day even at 100 calories....I'm not going to binge. Rather I am going to eat 500 calories...I decided that a great way to boost my metabolism would be to take like 3 days and only eat broccoli. Broccoli is one of my favourite foods and its one of the best NON-starchy vegetables so it's perfectly good to eat large quantities of it. 1 cup has about 30 calories....so even if you ate 16 cups...you'd still be just under 500 calories. So yea...basically thats the plan! Plussss broccoli runs through you quickly haha So no days of staying constipated with a binge and no exlax abuse.
Here's the calorie intake for yesterday:
Toast: 100
Jello: 50
Vegan link: 50
Crystal light candies: 50
= 250
So I know that's alot more than I planned, but I had a mini crisis yesterday. While showering I realized I was extremely weak and I started shaking really bad. When I got out of the shower it was all I could do to make it down the stairs and eat some jello and a vegan sausage. Hence, the additional calories.
I felt bad about it, but I really couldn't help it....it was eat or pass out.
Anyways todays calorie intake:
Toast: 70
vegan links: 100
= 170
So I compromised my toast in order to have the protein in the vegan sausage because I know I needed that more. I know it's more calories than I intend, but I felt like it was necessary since yesterday freaked me out. Plus I thought I was going to work tonight and therefore burn off some calories, but they cut my shift. = (
Well thats all I plan on consuming today! I'm so happy everything is back on track!
Like I always say...I hope if you're reading this your dieting ventures are going just as well or better! = )
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Cruise Control
Thats how I feel right now. Like "Ana" is doing all the work for me and I just have to sit back and watch the miracle happen! = )
I'm not thinking about it...I'm just doing and thats the place I feel best....PLUS I'm back in my comfort weight range. I weigh 141 and I actually feel like I might hit 140 by this evening! Just a feeling...maybe not, but all the better if I do. For now though I'm planning like I'll be 140 by tomorrow(rather than tonight) and so with that in mind here's how my dieting course looks - 139 by Saturday and 135 by Wednesday....concluding with 130 by NEXTTTT monday(1/31)!
Thats right! I've decided to shoot for the big goal! I still think I can do it! my motivation is super high and I think once I start seeing those 130's its only going to double. So I'm super pumped!
I can't imagine how good I'll look when I get to 135 even let alone 130!
Its like I'm finally realizing that I'm right here...just days away from my dream weight that I thought would never happen, but it's here! just 11 days away!
Now I do have to consider the fact that as my weight goes down and the 100 calorie diet progresses my ability to drop a pound a day always decreases, but I think the daily pound should be able to last 11 more days. After all I once dropped 10 pounds in 10 days and this is only stretching that luck about 4 extra days or so.
Today I've eaten:
Toast: 100 cal.
= 100!
= )
I might have a little jello, but that would be it. So we'll see! I am planning on 150 calories tops!
I might report back tonight! I'm so happy to be back and on track! Hope everyones diets are going just as well.
I'm not thinking about it...I'm just doing and thats the place I feel best....PLUS I'm back in my comfort weight range. I weigh 141 and I actually feel like I might hit 140 by this evening! Just a feeling...maybe not, but all the better if I do. For now though I'm planning like I'll be 140 by tomorrow(rather than tonight) and so with that in mind here's how my dieting course looks - 139 by Saturday and 135 by Wednesday....concluding with 130 by NEXTTTT monday(1/31)!
Thats right! I've decided to shoot for the big goal! I still think I can do it! my motivation is super high and I think once I start seeing those 130's its only going to double. So I'm super pumped!
I can't imagine how good I'll look when I get to 135 even let alone 130!
Its like I'm finally realizing that I'm right here...just days away from my dream weight that I thought would never happen, but it's here! just 11 days away!
Now I do have to consider the fact that as my weight goes down and the 100 calorie diet progresses my ability to drop a pound a day always decreases, but I think the daily pound should be able to last 11 more days. After all I once dropped 10 pounds in 10 days and this is only stretching that luck about 4 extra days or so.
Today I've eaten:
Toast: 100 cal.
= 100!
= )
I might have a little jello, but that would be it. So we'll see! I am planning on 150 calories tops!
I might report back tonight! I'm so happy to be back and on track! Hope everyones diets are going just as well.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Hmmmmm
I'm finally really back. I was in a bookstore and I saw pastries on a rack...a week ago I would have at least wanted them, but I didn't ....I want weightloss more. That hasn't really been the case in basically two months. I'm back mentally and that's encouraging. Also encouraging is my mind is thinking about the 130's...like everytime I've gotten in the low 140's before I've felt complacent and satisfied that this was sort of good enough for the moment, but I don't feel that way at allllll anymore....today at least. I think I just might hit 130....I just might.
But regardless...I'm riding this weight loss wave till it crashes.
Intake:
toast: 100
vegan link: 50
Jello/crystal light candies:50
= 200
Calories might be up...but so is motivation so i don't feel guilty. Ana doesn't feel guilty so thats what counts!
But regardless...I'm riding this weight loss wave till it crashes.
Intake:
toast: 100
vegan link: 50
Jello/crystal light candies:50
= 200
Calories might be up...but so is motivation so i don't feel guilty. Ana doesn't feel guilty so thats what counts!
Morning jump start
I weigh 142 this morning. At a 1lb daily loss from this point I could potentially still hit my 130 goal by the end of the month! Now I will say that I highly DOUBT that happens because my will power probably isn't strong enough for that nor could I sustain 1lb loss every single day for almost 2 more weeks. At some point my metabolism always crashes on this diet, buttttt all that being said. I could weigh 135 in a week and that would totally be do-able. I don't know ...we'll see. I know the last 2 times I've hit a goal mark like 150 or 140 it's been through an extreme boost in motivation based off a crazy goal and my 100 calorie diet. So maybe it's not that ludicrous that I hit 130.
We'll see....if I can even get myself out of the 140's once and for all then I'll start thinking about my strategies for the rest.
I think my motivation for this diet this time stems from how upsetting it was to hit 147. I think it was a wake up call that I HAVE to take this seriously. Because before I had gone up and down between 140 and 144 and seeing those numbers didnt shock me into action, but seeing 147 literally scared the crap out of me.
I will say I HATEEEEEE forced dieting....like dieting when it's because you have to get actual fat off and not "I just want to hit a new goal!" dieting. Idk if that makes sense, but before I had always been dieting to new low weights and the past couple months everytime I've been starving it's been to take off the same few pounds I keep putting on. It makes it not exciting to look at the scale and it makes it very weary-ing(haha thats not a word but I'll use it)
Today I plan on eating:
Toast: 100
Vegan link: 50 (because I need the protein)
Jello: 30
=180 calories
We'll see how it goes, but in reality thats all I think I'll eat.
I may post again today simply because it helps me stay motivated. :/
We'll see....if I can even get myself out of the 140's once and for all then I'll start thinking about my strategies for the rest.
I think my motivation for this diet this time stems from how upsetting it was to hit 147. I think it was a wake up call that I HAVE to take this seriously. Because before I had gone up and down between 140 and 144 and seeing those numbers didnt shock me into action, but seeing 147 literally scared the crap out of me.
I will say I HATEEEEEE forced dieting....like dieting when it's because you have to get actual fat off and not "I just want to hit a new goal!" dieting. Idk if that makes sense, but before I had always been dieting to new low weights and the past couple months everytime I've been starving it's been to take off the same few pounds I keep putting on. It makes it not exciting to look at the scale and it makes it very weary-ing(haha thats not a word but I'll use it)
Today I plan on eating:
Toast: 100
Vegan link: 50 (because I need the protein)
Jello: 30
=180 calories
We'll see how it goes, but in reality thats all I think I'll eat.
I may post again today simply because it helps me stay motivated. :/
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
This is HARRRD!
Im so cranky today and I know it's because I'm so hungry. I definitely used to get snippy when I was doing 100 calories, but I think it's worse today because I'm just not used to it. I'm so in the habit of eating that its really hard to get out of that mindset....so it's like I'm arguing in my mind all day against my desires and then I just snap at anyone who comes along. = (
Anyways I've stayed on track.
I ate:
Toast: 100
Jello: 60
= 160 calories
It's just such a struggle. Like I was super motivated when I woke up....and then I thought about binging....then I was super motivated and then my Mom and I went grocery shopping and I got soooo irritated looking at the food.
Anyways I just want to go to bed but I have to go to a class. A class I hate btw....
I weigh 144 today so thats encouraging, but my will power is just not where I want it to be right now.
I will say though that if I break this dieting streak before I hit 137/138 I think it will be enough to reallllllly kill me in my dieting endeavours. I seriously have lost+gained these same few pounds over and over for months! I'm sick of seeing these numbers! I want to be at a new point! 139 is the lowest I've gotten so I HAVE to see 138 at leasttttt before I can take a day break. In reality I think I'll need to hit 135 before it's safe to binge, but I'm planning this binge carefully. I think purging will also be necessary on that day. Anyways we'll see.
Evie: thanks so much for the kind words! believe me I need to exercise...I'm all fat and nooooo muscle. It's really unattractive! The thing about your diet is that you stick to your plans! I'm always falling off and then having to recover from the binges! Anyways I look forward to a blog soon!
Anyways I've stayed on track.
I ate:
Toast: 100
Jello: 60
= 160 calories
It's just such a struggle. Like I was super motivated when I woke up....and then I thought about binging....then I was super motivated and then my Mom and I went grocery shopping and I got soooo irritated looking at the food.
Anyways I just want to go to bed but I have to go to a class. A class I hate btw....
I weigh 144 today so thats encouraging, but my will power is just not where I want it to be right now.
I will say though that if I break this dieting streak before I hit 137/138 I think it will be enough to reallllllly kill me in my dieting endeavours. I seriously have lost+gained these same few pounds over and over for months! I'm sick of seeing these numbers! I want to be at a new point! 139 is the lowest I've gotten so I HAVE to see 138 at leasttttt before I can take a day break. In reality I think I'll need to hit 135 before it's safe to binge, but I'm planning this binge carefully. I think purging will also be necessary on that day. Anyways we'll see.
Evie: thanks so much for the kind words! believe me I need to exercise...I'm all fat and nooooo muscle. It's really unattractive! The thing about your diet is that you stick to your plans! I'm always falling off and then having to recover from the binges! Anyways I look forward to a blog soon!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Feelin alive!
Okay so I know I already updated you all today, but I wanted to come back and say that I HAVE MY DIETING GROOVE BACK! haha sorry...that was obnoxious, but I'm so happy.
Like mentally I can tell that my motivation has kicked back into place because I've figured out my new dieting strategy and it wasn't hard to follow!
I ate:
Toast: 100 calories
Jello: 80 calories
= 180 calories for the day.
Okay so I know that those last 80 calories were not in the plan, but i've realized that if I let myself have unlimited sugar-free jello that I am able to ward off other types of temptations and I don't feel guilty about the jello. That normally is the problem....the guilt factor. Because the guilt factor is what leads to binges.
I'm willing to give into some jello if it helps keeps me going on my diet for the long haul.
I took 1 exlax pill tonight to help shift some "stuff" out of me and get this weight loss going, but we'll see what happens.
I'm aiming for like 141 by Friday....I don't know if I'll be able to do it, but we'll see. If i can hit 138 by next Monday I'll have a serious blogger celebration.
I just wanted to share that news because its made all the difference in my day. = )
Like mentally I can tell that my motivation has kicked back into place because I've figured out my new dieting strategy and it wasn't hard to follow!
I ate:
Toast: 100 calories
Jello: 80 calories
= 180 calories for the day.
Okay so I know that those last 80 calories were not in the plan, but i've realized that if I let myself have unlimited sugar-free jello that I am able to ward off other types of temptations and I don't feel guilty about the jello. That normally is the problem....the guilt factor. Because the guilt factor is what leads to binges.
I'm willing to give into some jello if it helps keeps me going on my diet for the long haul.
I took 1 exlax pill tonight to help shift some "stuff" out of me and get this weight loss going, but we'll see what happens.
I'm aiming for like 141 by Friday....I don't know if I'll be able to do it, but we'll see. If i can hit 138 by next Monday I'll have a serious blogger celebration.
I just wanted to share that news because its made all the difference in my day. = )
Crash and burn
Okay first off I would like to apologize for being no encouragement to anyone that reads this blog. I'm a failure in so many ways, but I refuse to let the mistakes of the past discourage me to this point any more.
This week has been hell. Literally. Like I wanted to die at one point.
You know how I said I don't log onto blogger when I'm failing at my diet because I get too upset and discouraged? Well its been like 10 days since I logged on. Thats been basically 10 days of binging. Even though the 8th was the last day I was on track with dieting it feels like yearssssss ago. I feel sooooo far from success or decency.
Basically the 8th was a bad day for me. I came home from work mad about a number of things and when I stepped on the scale expecting to see 139 I instead saw 141. Now I know that 141 was not my true weight because I weighed 140 that morning and so it had to be water retention or something, but I blew up and ran to the kitchen where I began a massive binge which pretty much continued the whole weekend. Monday I did 100 calories and THOUGHT I was getting back on track but NO....Because on tuesday I possibly ate 5000+ calories. I ate so much I literally cried. I didn't purge either. Idk why....I just couldn't do it. Didn't want to really.
I kept telling myself I would do 100 calories and I kept not doing it. Some days I would make it the whole day and then right before bed I would binge. It's like I had given up and resigned myself to being fat, but I've had it. Yes, I'm still really wanting to go binge right now and I don't know why I can't get control of those wants, but at least I'm not indulging myself in them.
I weighed myself this morning. I weigh 147. Now I'm going to be completely and brutally gross so just skip this next bit if you want, but I feel like at least part of that is weight that I will lose in the toilet. Sorry, but it's true. After eating everything in site for days I'm definitely backed up because my system is just not used to it.
I MISSSSS feeling skinny. I miss looking at myself in the mirror and feeling good. I miss weigh ins that left me happy. I miss feeling skinny in my clothes. I miss SUCCESS!!
100 calorie days are the only thing I can seem to stick to so that is what I am going to do. When I eat 100 calories my skin is clear and I feel like I'm being good and i feel success is within reach, but when I don't I'm extremely depressed.
I told my friend who also has an eating disorder that when i eat...I feel like I've let the world down. Really this has been an eye opening revelation for me because I hadn't thought about it so simply before, but really I feel like I've let down my family, my friends, blogger readers, and most importantly myself.
Another revelation i've had over this week is that I don't remember how to eat normally and I can't do it on my own. Like yesterday I started the day with the intention of eating about 1200 calories and by lunch time i had started an all out binge and was in tears. Whenever I start eating normally I end up binging.
Another thing that happened this week was that I confessed to my Mom my issues with food. I told her about purging, dieting, my feelings about everything and she encouraged me to talk to my doctor, but I don't think she really got the intensity of the problem. She's supportive of me regardless and thats what matters most.
I'm back on 100 calories and you better believe I'm sticking to it. I feel like it will take around 4 days to hit 140 again. This is going to be EXTREMELYYYYYYY difficult. Like I'm so in binge mode even now that it's really going to take ALOT of thinspo and ALOT of motivation to stick to this, but if I can just get to 140 I think I will be back on track.
120 was my goal for March 2nd(my birthday) and I could still POSSIBLY hit that, but in all likelihood I'll be like 127 by then.
Anyways I'm supposed to do 100(or 150) until next Monday and then I am going to change it up some how, but for now that is the plan.
And to Evie: thank you so much for always being so encouraging. I'm sorry I haven't been the same for you. :/
While the 100 calorie diet obviously works and I am doing it....Just be careful because I think honestly thats where this ED started controlling me instead of the other way around. It was kind of like the double edged sword in my weight loss. On the one hand I dropped weight superrrrr fast, but on the other hand it was after I started it that I even began binging. If you can actually eat a healthy diet(it sounds like you do) than you will be sooooo much happier than this. I wish I could eat a well balanced diet...but like I said it always turns into a binge.
This week has been hell. Literally. Like I wanted to die at one point.
You know how I said I don't log onto blogger when I'm failing at my diet because I get too upset and discouraged? Well its been like 10 days since I logged on. Thats been basically 10 days of binging. Even though the 8th was the last day I was on track with dieting it feels like yearssssss ago. I feel sooooo far from success or decency.
Basically the 8th was a bad day for me. I came home from work mad about a number of things and when I stepped on the scale expecting to see 139 I instead saw 141. Now I know that 141 was not my true weight because I weighed 140 that morning and so it had to be water retention or something, but I blew up and ran to the kitchen where I began a massive binge which pretty much continued the whole weekend. Monday I did 100 calories and THOUGHT I was getting back on track but NO....Because on tuesday I possibly ate 5000+ calories. I ate so much I literally cried. I didn't purge either. Idk why....I just couldn't do it. Didn't want to really.
I kept telling myself I would do 100 calories and I kept not doing it. Some days I would make it the whole day and then right before bed I would binge. It's like I had given up and resigned myself to being fat, but I've had it. Yes, I'm still really wanting to go binge right now and I don't know why I can't get control of those wants, but at least I'm not indulging myself in them.
I weighed myself this morning. I weigh 147. Now I'm going to be completely and brutally gross so just skip this next bit if you want, but I feel like at least part of that is weight that I will lose in the toilet. Sorry, but it's true. After eating everything in site for days I'm definitely backed up because my system is just not used to it.
I MISSSSS feeling skinny. I miss looking at myself in the mirror and feeling good. I miss weigh ins that left me happy. I miss feeling skinny in my clothes. I miss SUCCESS!!
100 calorie days are the only thing I can seem to stick to so that is what I am going to do. When I eat 100 calories my skin is clear and I feel like I'm being good and i feel success is within reach, but when I don't I'm extremely depressed.
I told my friend who also has an eating disorder that when i eat...I feel like I've let the world down. Really this has been an eye opening revelation for me because I hadn't thought about it so simply before, but really I feel like I've let down my family, my friends, blogger readers, and most importantly myself.
Another revelation i've had over this week is that I don't remember how to eat normally and I can't do it on my own. Like yesterday I started the day with the intention of eating about 1200 calories and by lunch time i had started an all out binge and was in tears. Whenever I start eating normally I end up binging.
Another thing that happened this week was that I confessed to my Mom my issues with food. I told her about purging, dieting, my feelings about everything and she encouraged me to talk to my doctor, but I don't think she really got the intensity of the problem. She's supportive of me regardless and thats what matters most.
I'm back on 100 calories and you better believe I'm sticking to it. I feel like it will take around 4 days to hit 140 again. This is going to be EXTREMELYYYYYYY difficult. Like I'm so in binge mode even now that it's really going to take ALOT of thinspo and ALOT of motivation to stick to this, but if I can just get to 140 I think I will be back on track.
120 was my goal for March 2nd(my birthday) and I could still POSSIBLY hit that, but in all likelihood I'll be like 127 by then.
Anyways I'm supposed to do 100(or 150) until next Monday and then I am going to change it up some how, but for now that is the plan.
And to Evie: thank you so much for always being so encouraging. I'm sorry I haven't been the same for you. :/
While the 100 calorie diet obviously works and I am doing it....Just be careful because I think honestly thats where this ED started controlling me instead of the other way around. It was kind of like the double edged sword in my weight loss. On the one hand I dropped weight superrrrr fast, but on the other hand it was after I started it that I even began binging. If you can actually eat a healthy diet(it sounds like you do) than you will be sooooo much happier than this. I wish I could eat a well balanced diet...but like I said it always turns into a binge.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Long time no see
I've said before that if I ever don't post it's because i'm not dieting and I'm too ashamed to even look at blogger. Well I pretty much failed dieting over the holidays. I may have even binged right after my last post in December, but anyways I'm somewhat back.
Basically I maintained 144 over the holidays which is actually good considering the fact that it was the holidays AND I stayed with a friend for a week...but you know how it goes. Obviously I'm annoyed at myself for not losing. I feel like I've been this weight forever now!
So yesterday my 100 calorie diet re-commenced and today I am 142. I stuck to the diet today also so I'm hoping to see 141 tomorrow and 139 by Monday. Omg how many times have those exact words come out of my mouth. I've been juggling these same 5 pounds forever!
It's just really hard....I'm sooooo tempted that I'm afraid I wont be able to hold out until Monday to even hit the 130's. I just realllllllllly need to get beyond 139. If I can do that then I will be covering new ground and motivation will increase, but it's really hard to motivate yourself to lose the same couple pounds you've already gained and lost 5x's!
I just foresee a really hard week ahead of me with this diet. Even if all goes according to plan I still won't be 135 until next Friday. I don't know how I'll do this, but it's got to be done and like now! I'm miserable with my body right now! I'm a whale! Aside from this diet my self esteem has never been lower. I just have been really depressed purely because I feel hideous looking. No amount of skinny will cure my ugly, but hopefully it will help.
I don't know why the last 20 pounds is proving to be so hard, but I told my Mom today "This diet is like a marathon and even if I ran 22 miles...who cares??.. because you didn't finish the marathon!" and that really sums it up. Yea i'm much thinner, but if I don't get to 120 why does it even matter.
But anyways all this is why I haven't been posting or checking blogs. Sorry
Basically I maintained 144 over the holidays which is actually good considering the fact that it was the holidays AND I stayed with a friend for a week...but you know how it goes. Obviously I'm annoyed at myself for not losing. I feel like I've been this weight forever now!
So yesterday my 100 calorie diet re-commenced and today I am 142. I stuck to the diet today also so I'm hoping to see 141 tomorrow and 139 by Monday. Omg how many times have those exact words come out of my mouth. I've been juggling these same 5 pounds forever!
It's just really hard....I'm sooooo tempted that I'm afraid I wont be able to hold out until Monday to even hit the 130's. I just realllllllllly need to get beyond 139. If I can do that then I will be covering new ground and motivation will increase, but it's really hard to motivate yourself to lose the same couple pounds you've already gained and lost 5x's!
I just foresee a really hard week ahead of me with this diet. Even if all goes according to plan I still won't be 135 until next Friday. I don't know how I'll do this, but it's got to be done and like now! I'm miserable with my body right now! I'm a whale! Aside from this diet my self esteem has never been lower. I just have been really depressed purely because I feel hideous looking. No amount of skinny will cure my ugly, but hopefully it will help.
I don't know why the last 20 pounds is proving to be so hard, but I told my Mom today "This diet is like a marathon and even if I ran 22 miles...who cares??.. because you didn't finish the marathon!" and that really sums it up. Yea i'm much thinner, but if I don't get to 120 why does it even matter.
But anyways all this is why I haven't been posting or checking blogs. Sorry
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