Broken, not defeated

I'm so tired of being constantly surrounded by food. Tonight my dad made these seasoned steak fries....you know....heaven on earth and it smelt up the whole house. Also my boss brought in a whole bunch of Sbarro at lunch. My other boss brought in a cheese ball. I saw people carrying boxes of pizza all day. Also a customer brought in a bag of KFC and just carried it while they were shopping. Also there is a big bowl of candy in the breakroom. On top of all that....I had to smell the food court stuff when I went to get a water.

I think today was especially challenging because today I was especially empty. See I haven't really been using the bathroom(if you get my drift) since the whole exlax binge. I know this is because my system is all out of whack now...so I decided I needed to substitute my toast for grapes to get my body functioning normally and maybe drop more weight. So I basically had 100 calories in grapes and then 1 vegan link for some substance. It worked = )

So I think I took in around 140 calories. It's even more calories than I normally eat, but they were made up of "chore" foods and not something I actually wanted...like toast. Also I only had one cup of tea. So that's all I lived on today. Normally I have lots of tea throughout the day.

So yea it was pretty tough food wise.

People at work are starting to ask alot of questions. I know they talk when I'm not around because if they say the things they do to my face then I'm sure they say more behind my back. I'm being asked flat out if I starve myself. (who would honestly confess this btw???) Obviously I'm way thinner than they've ever seen me and it really is coming off super fast considering how MOST people lose weight. I'm 148 today and I truly am seeing that this dream will be a reality. Sooooon sooon sooon!

Maybe I'm over-excited too early, but when you lose like 50+ in a year I think 27 pounds seems do-able. = ) I will be 147 tomorrow I know. I'm just wondering how long I can keep up my 100 calorie/1 pound loss days until my will power weakens again. This time it won't be 1500 calories....it will be 300-400. I won't sabotage myself again.

Scarier Than Halloween

Well however much I didn't want to blog last night... I'm going to have to multiply that by 10 for tonight. haha

I just need to do this daily though...it's the key to success.

I feel soooooo bad! Being beaten with a baseball bat would feel better. Like I literally am in slow death. My heart is hurting so bad. it has been for about a week or two. I know this is dangerous, but I can't stop. I'm covered in bruises so I ache when I am touched basically. My acid reflux is coming back. Ughhh. And now I keep getting that congestion hearing loss/echo-yness in my left ear like I'm getting a cold or something.

So yea...and my back is aching from standing at work. I'm just so weak. I can't eat more though...because I neeeeeeeeed more weightloss before I can eat some more. I just have to get in the 130's. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! The 130's are ten pounds away!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! I don't know why this hadn't occurred to me! I'm 28/29lbs away from my Christmas goal and I just wonder if I can get it done before then. Oh how I wish.

I am supposed to see my best friend Jordan the first week in January. She's struggled with ED issues and I know she's really concerned about my weight loss, but she lives too far away to know what all is really going on with me. She just knows I barely eat. So any ways we are getting together right after New Years in Boston. I'm really excited, but this is even more motivation to lose weight. I hope by then I can be 115 at least. I am worried about the trip with regards to food. I know it's really far away, but I will be with her and her family constantly for days so I will have to eat in front of them and she already thinks I have an ED so I don't know how I'll be able to not eat without drawing attention to myself.

One thing I've realized this week since the binge is that I am truly wrapped up in this thing...this ED...this anxiety about food...this obsession. I've done this before. I've starved myself manyyy times throughout my life, but this time it's different. I know something is different with the way I'm thinking about food this time. I truly don't want it. Like obviously I want it, but ...ughh I don't know how to explain this. Like for example once summer I lost like 30 pounds and everyday i ate the same two frozen dinners - 1 at 2pm and the other at 7pm. It totalled 400 calories a day. I remember feeling soooo deprived and I was so proud of myself for doing it. I remember licking my plate too.

Well I'm obviously eating wayyy less than that now, but I feel like I eat 10 times that much. I would never lick at my plate for fear of more calories. It's like in general food is a chore...the enemy...the sad point in the day. Don't get me wrong I obviously still have some love since i binged, but even my "binge" was different....and not nearly as big as it might have been years ago. The other thing is I rarely feel pride in my diet...usually I just feel pathetic for being as fat as I am. I just feel really bogged down with this ED I guess.

Oh well.... until next time. =/

Not feeling it

I'm not really feeling an update today, but I know I'm always more successful when I keep up with this "weight loss journalling" or whatever you would like to call it.

Today was incredibly hard. I had to work on my online class all day. I wrote for 9 discussion questions and took 6 tests. In the past I've been inclined to binge eat in order to avoid stuff like this so it was an especially tough day in that sense. I did manage to stick to 100 calories though by only eating my morning toast. I was so nauseous all day though and just emotionally and physically weak tonight.

The good news is that I hit 149. = )

Here is the key to sticking to my diet....Thinspo.......Thinspo. Thinspo. Thinspo.

I literally looked through 60 pages of it today. If I don't spend at least several hours looking at it each day I start to lose focus or forget what I truly want. It doesn't matter what or where I look at it I just have to overwhelm myself with super skinny looking people and slowly I feel excited that I will look like that one day.

Well tomorrow I work and I'm so relieved ...I couldn't bare this sitting around the house, thinking about food routine one more day.

I have created a goal though!

I found out I don't see my bulimic friend till the weekend of the 12-14. That's two weeks....and the little things like this make me feel like creating a challenge = ) I know he's one of my only friends rooting for my weightloss so I want to surprise him by being much thinner when I see him. I'm going to try and be 140 by then! I know I can do it now that my diet is back in swing.

So lets says....the new goal is 140 by the 12th!

On that note...= )

Halloween

So after taking 7 laxatives last night I decided it would be best to eat something today that would be high volume, but low calorie. I needed more food to flush my system clean of the laxatives. So anyways I ate 1 1/2 cups of Collard greens...which is 45 calories, but with a little vegan spread I rounded it to 60. I was doing good until I started passing candy out to the neighborhood kids and I was overwhelmed by a serious need for Skittles. So I had one of those fun packs. I ate 60 calories more then.

So my daily total was 120.

I'm really annoyed at myself for these little slip ups because before the binge I had an iron will...like I wouldn't even lick an almond....which I know licking an almond sounds weird but my dad keeps bags of these smokehouse almonds all around the house and they are pretty freaking good.

So I weigh 150 right now....I just can't believe that 1500calorie day set me back nearly a week. I definietly learned my lesson though.

Here's something I can't stand - I found out Portia De Rossi used to eat 300 calories a day during her anorexic days. Okay...300 calories would be a really bad day for me. So how can someone be anorexic and eat more than me...How am I so fat when I almost never eat. It's just not fair. It's just NOT fair.

I just feel trapped because I think I need to eat some more calories because my body gets in starvation mode, but more calories feels like failure and leads to horrible binges. I just have to keep this tight leash or else I run wild. Also because I've starved so long I know if I were to eat normally my body would hold onto each calorie.

Oh well.

In good news...I have a follower! Thank you so much! You kind of made my day! = )

Chocolate Laxatives

I think they were secretly created with anorexics in mind. I mean who creates a medicine that can get rid of anything you consume....and makes it chocolate. Is there any reason you wouldn't want to abuse it??

I ate 130 calories. I took 7 laxatives....I weighed in at 151 still and I can't take it...I know there is stuff backed up and I want it gone now! I want to be in the 140's NOW....I'm sick of paying for eating 1500 calories. Last night I was up every hour running to the bathroom and I gained a pound. I don't even know why. It's not even like I ate a pounds worth! I think I just feel especially frustrated because I have always screwed up at 150 and I did it again. I know I will eventually get to 149 and beyond...I know it, but it's the waiting. = (

Parents

I'm doing fine on my diet today. I ate my usual toast this morning and I've been continuing to rid myself of the exlax binge, but I can tell theres still a ways to go and my acid refulx issue feels worse...So I ate 2/3 cup of collard greens with is about 30 calories because I felt that putting something in my stomach would keep the exlax flowing out of my system instead of just sitting and eating my insides. I just didn't want it to be anything with calories so hopefully this will just help me and NOT make me continue to gain. I hate that i had to break my rules on the first day back, but I'm going to work those 30 calories off.

Anyways...with regards to the title...My parents are pretty close to me. I tell my mom pretty much everything. It's weird but she knows I only eat 100 calories a day....actually everyone in my family does. It's just not a big deal. Like my mom knows I binged on exlax yesterday....she doesn't know I took 25, but she knows I overdosed. She's just kind of relaxed about it. It's not that she doesn't care I just think she gets it because I'm fairly sure she's played with starvation when she was younger. I just wonder when they won't be cool with things...like at what weight will they be concerned about this. Who knows....but the whole thing has been making me wonder. Everyone else in the Ed community seems so secretive, but I never have had to be really. I mean my parents don't care if I restrict. Now if I was purging I think they would freak, but I don't think they consider 100 calories shocking or unhealthy. Or maybe it's just that they feel I am really overweight so they think I should restrict like this.

Anyways....I feel good being back on the diet. Eating 100 calories makes me feel pretty and powerful and like my dreams are closer....like no matter how crazy my life is or how bad I am at school...I am good at my diet and I will be beautiful. It's just a matter of time.

I told my Mom this morning...even though I just binged 1 day....it feels like I haven't dieted in years! Like I'm finally getting back together with an old friend. I feel brand new and like my old self all at the same time. = )

Here's to being a skinny bitch soon enough! haha

A new beginning...

So yesterday marks the end of the first phase oh this process. I binged. I ate 1500 calories I'm sure. I can't even remember everything i ate, but let me see if I can rememeber.

24 brussel sprouts - 200

3 peices of toast - 200

potato - 300

Grapes - 100

Almonds - 200

5 vegan hotdogs - 250

Chips - 100

Bites of this and that - 150

= 1500

Okay so thats about what a normal person eats in a day....I will say that apparently I must be doing something right because it felt like I ate 2984789374897328947 calories in my mind. As a result of this binge I took about 25 laxatives over the course of the day. Also let me add that I did not eat all these foods at one time. I ate them throughout the day.

I think this all came from stress, feeling really disoriented because my Mom was finally home after nearly a month and she kept pressuring me to eat, also I think the pressure of 100 calorie days just kind of came to a head.

Anyways the good news is that I got rid of most of what I ate yesterday and I'm still getting rid of it. I weighed in at 151 today, but I think it's just because I haven't completely cleared out yet.

Also! I woke up feeling super motivated about a 100 calorie day. I think it was almost good to get that binge out of my system. I mean trust me...I wish I would have only had a 100 calorie day, but this just makes me soooooo much more motivated to do better and I can't wait to lose the next 40 pounds!

This is kind of just like the binge that marked the midway point.

Anyways thats what happened. Yes, I'm embarrassed and sad that i let it happen, but it doesn't change the fact that I am back on my game today.

I think the scariest thing is that this is the first time this has happened in 4 months...and I put so much faith in myself over the fact that I had never tripped up, but now I did....so could it happen again???? this could go two ways.... 1. I could keep stumbling because it happened the once ...or 2. I could never let this happen again and do even better from now on because I'm so afraid of slipping into the mindset that failed me yesterday.

I think I'm going with #2.

Well thats that.

= )

= (

Well today was a bust. I don't know why I feel like a failure even when I don't eat bad. Today I had planned on eating 150 calories....I ate 150 calories, but in my mind I was lusting after everything in sight and so for some reason I feel like I failed this day. It doesn't help that when I weighed in just now the scale said 152. I know that has to simply be water because I just drank 20+ ounces a little while ago, but still I just can't handle if the scale says anything other than what i weighed in at that morning or less.

My official weigh in this morning left me at 150. I MADE MY GOAL!!! somehow despite that I feel deep down like I'm lying. Like I didn't actually hit 150 and that I'm making this up. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I torture myself so, but I've decided I've got to start eating a little more because I think my body is totally holding onto every morsel I eat ANDDDD I am insanely cranky, emotional, and braindead all the time. The lesson learned though is that 100 calories is a breeze one week at a time, but any longer and the weight doesn't move as quickly and I start to die basically.

So the plan for tomorrow is to eat around 400 calories. This sounds so shameful and deep down I feel like I'm commiting murder or something, but I know in the end this is better for the diet. I know it. Also i had been planning on trying to lose 5 pounds a week, but I see now that I just won't be able to swing that. The weight is just not wanting to budge like it had been. So I'm going to aim for 3 pounds a week and I think that some weeks I'll do better than that by eating 100 calories...so in the end i'll still hit 120 by Christmas I think. As long as I hit that i don't really care how I do it.

ahhhhh and from 120 I will just be perfecting. = ) Perfecting down to 105-110ish.

Btw...I figured out what is causing me so much pain. Acid Reflux. This is another reason I need to eat for a bit.

I sound like a failure....I'm going to lose this weight though! I promise. = /

PAINNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

Okay so I hit 151 today....barely.

Today was horrible. I feel HORRIBLE from all this fasting...like my body is just wornnn out. So anyways I decided to eat something a little different then my usual two pieces of toast. I instead had this:

6 brussel sprouts: 50 cal.

1 piece of toast: 50

1 vegan hot dog: 50

= 150

Well I went a little over but I felt so weak I thought I needed it. So I went to work and had an annoying day filled with creepy boys and stupid customers. I was in slight pain all day in my throat, chest, and back region, but i didn't think tooo much of it because I tend to stay in pain these days.

Well when I got home I felt absolutley wasted and figured I would weigh less. No I actually weighed 152....Thats when it hit me. This weight is barely coming off because *GRAPHIC WARNING* ....I barely ever "use" the bathroom these days. Gross I know, but anyways...I knew I needed to rethink my dieting strategy for the day. So I took 10 laxatives and ate the following to help the stuff along:

Brussel sprouts: 100

Vegan hotdog: 50

= 150

Okay so you're probably wondering why I ate...well I don't know if I'm just not an experienced enough laxative taker, but the never seem to truly take effect unless I eat when I take them. So that's why. Last time I took them I just drank water in order to get them going and I got bad cramps but never had a bowel movement.

So anyways...I feel really upset about my calories, but I'll do better tomorrow. I promise!

About the "PAINNNNNNNNN!!!!!!" ...basically that whole throat, chest, back pain I was having escalated after eating and I am in mind numbing pain right now. If anyone has any idea why someone might this kind of pain please let me know. It hurts to breathe...it hurts to swallow...to talk....to move.

I don't know if I'll be 150 by tomorrow. I imagine not, but then again who knows...these laxatives could work wonders.

Oh well.....I'm going to bed and praying this pain goes away. It's ridiculous

How Low Can You Go

Well today has been incredibly hard. Why does this seem to be the trend??

These 100 calorie days are killing me...probably literally but obviously I meant figuratively.

I had to work today for 9 hours and it's just insane how much my brain doesn't work any more. I literally CANNNNOT ...omg my brain doesn't work so much I can't even think how to phrase this sentence...I just can't get words out any more or work through problems....i just get overwhelmed. I think people at work know I'm starving myself. I haven't eaten in front of anyone there in months and I'm sooooo much thinner than I have ever been around them. I'm so pale too. Like I was looking at myself today and thinking "I wonder if people are scared by my appearance." My eyes are huge and hollow and my facial features are so big that it makes the thin-ness stand out more on my face. Honestly if I continue to look thinner in the face then I do now I am concerned that will look really ugly, but I haveeeee to get my stomach and thighs in shape. I should take a picture so anyone reading this gets a better idea of what I'm talking about, but I just have huge lips and eyes so I kind of look like a bug naturally, but even more when my face gets really skinny. Plus my eyes look really droopy and exhausted....probably because I am so drained. Anyways I just struggled all day at work and I feel like they knew it was because of my diet despite the fact no one mentioned it. People kept asking me if I was okay.

I just felt sooo stressed I almost cried...like I said...I just can't handle anything anymore.

So I got home from work to see that despite 100 calories for the day I had not lost ANYYYYYY weight. That was hard...it's like since 100 calories is the new norm I'm going to have to up the ante in order to lose weight. I just want to take a cleaver to these blobs of fat holding me back from everything I want. Right now my weight loss feels like one of those dreams where you're running from a murderer, but you're doing it all in slow motion and therefore no matter how determined to speed up your pace you just CAN'T get away. I'm running from this weight, but in slowwww motion and I'm just afraid it's going to catch me.

So anyways my sisters went out with my Uncle for the day and did Halloween stuff....stuff I didn't get to do because I was dying at work. bleh Well anyways I started talking to my little sister. I've previously mentioned that she has always been much thinner than me or anyone in my family and has always been favoured because of it by family acquaintances. Well I informed her that I had tried on a pair of her jeans recently and they fit ...she instantly responded "Well thats really depressing" and walked on. Her words came out soo fast that she didn't have time to make a calculated response....she simply spit out exactly what she thought deep down....that she thinks I'm so fat that it's depressing that I would be able to fit into a pair of her jeans.

I pretty much had just enough time to get to my room before I broke down. It just feels like no matter what I do everyone is going to view me as the fat girl and at best as the fat girl that lost weight. I just want to be the skinny girl. The girl that looks anorexic because she is.

The thing is ...my little sister has NEVER been on a diet. She can't possibly know what eating 100 calories is like...She doesn't know what losing 40(rounded) pounds is like. She can't know how hard I've worked or what I've overcome, but she still was able to demean everything I've worked for in an instant. I feel like I'm worse then where I started now. I feel like everyone around me has secretly been pointing and laughing at the fat girl that thinks she can be thin. That comment alone was enough to make me believe that those thoughts might be the truth. Who so I think I am??? How do I think I can be model weight?? I'm just a fat nobody....

One more thing- I want so much to have someone to share all my diet dramas with. When I try to tell my friends about starving or weight loss they all start questioning my healthiness. It's like when I talk about issues with food I think people think I'm just trying to get attention, but that's not it!!!! I don't want people to be worried or upset that i'm starving....i don't WANT people to know I have an ED....I just want to share the only thing that gives me pride!....my weight loss. I just want the people I care about to be excited about the things that give me excitement. It's like I wish there was someone I knew personally who when I said "I didn't eat all day" would give me a high five and a congrats....not a worried look and say that's not healthy. Sometimes when I talk about what size I want to be I think people think I'm trying to be shocking...but I'm not! I'm sharing my thoughts, my goals, my dreams! Also I want to be able to vent my troubles from not eating without someone just telling me to eat something. I know this is alot to expect from someone who hasn't had an ED, but still. I just really need a friend with anorexic tendencies. I'm thinking about making my bulimic friend my confidant...I know he'll get it....I just don't know how much he'll want to hear about it.

Oh well...It's time to forget this day.

Night

Wow....

Today was hard....today was HARDDDDDDD.

I know this is probably obviously if anyone has happened to notice that I blogged three times in one day, but seriously. I had the day off...I had a bunch of school to do which forced me to stay home..I was weak to begin with so I was going to have to allow myself a little more food today ANDDDD my dad bought papa johns.

Now the whole pizza thing isn't out of the ordinary...seriously every weekend whenmy dad is around there is so much ice cream, french fries, pizza, pancakes, muffins, pies, and cakes sitting around that this shouldn't have phased me, but i think because of the extreme lack of food....I was just overwhelmed ....overwhelmed by food and boredom giving me lots of time to think about the food. Well i didn't eat the pizza if thats what you're wondering....I haven't lost my mind, BUT I did do something I haven't done in a really long time..probably since high school. Chew and Spit. Gross I know. I just cut a sliver of the pizza(it was one bite full) and I savoured it without an ounce going down...then spit and rinsed my mouth with water 4 times before I allowed myself to swallow again normally. I instantly felt so fat. I doubt there was even 100 calories in the bite I had...if I had actually eaten it...let alone the calories that were left in my mouth despite the rinsing, but the whole thing left me feeling so shameful that i felt like I had binged on an entire pizza. Probably 3 calories at best went down...so why do I feel like I'm losing this weight battle. Ughhhhhhhhhh curse you Papa Johns!!

Tomorrow I'll make up for the brussel sprouts and the vegan sausage because tomorrow I work all day and I won't be able to eat. = ) I love work for this reason specifically!

I've decided I'm having brussel sprouts for breakfast tomorrow. Thats probably less fattenign overall than my toast even though it will be a few more calories so I'm pretty excited about it.

This week is going to be really busy so I think I'll be fine as far as days like this go. Althoughhhh next Friday I have the day off also and I may end up having a good bit of homework to do....so there could be a repeat...I'm just going to try and get things done early so that isn't the case.

ughhh I give up for today

These doubts...they creep in

I don't know why after nearly 40lbs of constant and consistent weightloss I manage to feel afraid that something is going to happen that will keep me from losing all the weight. Sometimes I think about it even when I'm showering or driving....like what if all the sudden I wrecked and was never able to be a waif because I died or was paralyzed....It's so dumb because obviously I would have bigger issues than being a waif at that point, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

Anyone who gets dieting will get this, but every time I have an urge to cheat or just eat anything period....I immediately go for my thinspo blogs/videos/pics.

It's sooooo important to stay drowned in thinspo...to me that is the difference between succeeding at this whole thing and plateauing at average.

To anyone who may read this...I have a question. What is your ultimate goal for your body?? I feel like most people in the pro-ana community feel the same about how they ultimately want to look, but recently I've discovered that there are quite a few people on pro-ana that simply look at the stuff for regular diet motivation and only want to weigh a normal amount. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but my ultimate weight loss goal is to have people look at me and wonder if I have an ED because I'm so thin...I just want to be so thin people are shocked that it's me. I guess I feel this need to go over and beyond because I've been so fat and to me it seems like the only way to truly make up for my fat days....like i just need to leave people without a doubt that I am extremely skinny and my fat days are a thing of the past never to return again.

So many girls always sized me up against my sister and acted like she was better because she was thinner than me. So many girls will treat you a certain way solely based on your weight/size. Like if you are a size 2 other girls will treat you with more respect and vice versa.

Perfect example....I once knew a girl named Erin. She practically idolized my size 4 sister. She always commented on how thin she was and pretty, ect. Erin was extremely rude and mean to me....I wasn't worth the respect because I was fat. In a way I don't resent her because I probably wasn't worth respect at a size 12, but I just can't wait till i see these people again and I'm a zero. I think they'll kiss me feet...metaphorically speaking.

Journalling these thoughts and reading my thinspo AND listenign to depressing songs makes this all so much easier haha

Oh and btw....I think the reason today is so hard is because it's the first day in forever I've had nothing to do but online tests which requires me to stay home all day ANDDDD I deleted my Facebook two weeks ago and I'm in serious withdrawal, but to give up now would seem embarrassing...Plus I've realized that without facebook I spend a ton of time on thinspo stuff instead which is better AND it's given me good motivation because I won't let myself bring it back until I hit 140. Which i plan on doing in about 2 weeks....so we'll see.

Like I said....today is a struggle...so I may be back before the day is said and done! = )

So it's 1pm and I already failed

This morning I felt soooooo weak. It's gotten harder to get out of bed every day simply because I feel so sore and tired. I know these 100 calorie days are tough but if I do anything different I feel like a failure. So I knew I needed to eat something today....So here's what I've had for the day and just keep in mind that i'm not eating anymore for the day.

Toast: 100

Vegan hotdog: 45

Brussel sprouts: 100

=250... = (

So I immediately went upstairs and took some laxatives...Oh gosh I hope this doesn't ruin me getting to 150/149 by Monday. I won't be able to have a normal weigh in tomorrow because I have to work too early....So my Sunday I should be 150 but my original goal was to hit it by Monday...so whichever comes first is fine.

Today I weigh 152....barely. I'm just scared that I won't be able to get down enough by Monday.

I think all the extra stress and everything is based off the fact that I am nearing my all time lowest weight and this has traditionally been when I always screw up. I know I'm so much more mentally into this then I have been in the past, but I'm still nervous. I just hope that exlax pushes everything through. I know I'll still get the calories but I want to free my system of everything. Hopefully since I took them now I will get everything passed through by 8pm??? I hope that's not asking too much.

I'm seeing more and more that my true ideal weight is 110. I look through ModelMayhem all the time comparing girls at my height and their weights and 110 is what I've always wanted to look like.

This girl is 100lbs and 5'8 -

http://modelmayhm-7.vo.llnwd.net/d1/photos/101014/20/4cb7c5f1b173e.jpg

and ironically her name is Annie haha = )

I think somewhere around there is where I would ultimately like to be....I won't be there until January/February, but oh well.

I'm kind of bored and frustrated today so I'll likely take to the blog again haha

Until next time...

Once upon a time I cared about...

School

Grades

being good at my job

having a working brain

friends

good food

socializing

more than my pant size

the inside more than the outside

issues of the world

good conversation

Once upon I didn't care about:

talking diet 24/7

spitting before I weighed in

weighing myself 30+ times a day

the 5 calories in a stick of gum

how much water I was retaining

sitting on a toilet for an hour hoping to pee a few ounces away

reading hours of thinspo a day

watching several anorexia movies/documentarys a week for motivation

sizing up every person I saw by weight alone

browsing Skinnyvscurvy.com for hours

Yea you get it.

I weighed 153 today which means I've lost 37 pounds. I've got to be 150 by Monday. I've gottttt to! I made a promise to myself I would be 150 by the time my Mom got home from a long trip she was taking and I am determined to stick to this. My thing is...I know I can't eat 100 calories a day for weeks and weeks and expect 1 pound loss everyday. So I feel like I need to have two days where I eat about 400-500 calories. like maybe Monday and Tuesday I eat that much and then I get back to business on Wednesday. Maybe I should divide the eating days though....like eat on monday, 100 calories tuesday, eat on Wednesday, and then 100 calories for a week.

I just know my system is really week right now. I think eating a couple days a week would make me lose more in a weird way. Because the metabolism boosts would be good.

It's just so hard for me to eat. 1. it feels like I'm not making progress when I do and 2. it's harder to stop once you start than it is to just avoid it all together. Like it's really not hard to say NO to everything, but once you start saying YES to some stuff it becomes harder to say yes and no. I don't know if this makes a ton of sense, but it's my will power issues I've got to work out.

Wow I can't believe I'm almost al my all time thinnest. When I hit 149 it's going to be unreal. I think that's when I'll know this whole thing is real and I'm not dreaming this success...it's actually happening. It's so near....just a few more days! It's really exciting that I'll be reunited with my Mom and hit my mini goal all in the same day. I will be 10 pounds thinner than the last time she saw me! I bet I will look different to her.

Anyways thats whats up with me!

Until next time!

Down Goes Another One...

Well I'm at 154. Here's how the day went:

Toast: 100

(2 cups of tea) ...I tried to cut back since the calories in Almond milk and Splenda probably do add up.

Brussel Sprouts w/ olive oil spread: 150

= 250 calories consumed

Walked 4 miles

= 400 calories burned

Total for day = -150 calories = )

So I would count this day as a success. I also found out I fit into a size 6 skirt!!!!!!! I feel weird. Like I definitely don't think I have the body i thought I would have at a size six, but I guess I never really new what a size six would be like. I just knew I was heading for a size 0. I know what I want my body to look like in the end. I don't know how it will look throughout the journey or what to expect.

It kind of blows my mind that two Mondays ago I was struggling somewhat. Like I wasn't eating more than 1000 calories but ate 1000 calories and really I wanted to eat more. That desire made me nervous sort of because I hadn't had an urge like that in a really long time. The desire made me feel like maybe failure was near AND considering the fact that I will be at my curse weight of 150 soon which I have never been able to get below I was feeling anxious about everything. All it took was that weekend of work to wake me up and realize that I could get back to my toast only days AND that my toast only days would bring me 1 pound a day! It's like for weeekssss and weeks I have been dying trying to get a couple pounds to move a week and now in the span of like a week I've lost like 5 pounds! It's getting more noticeable too. Like my face is definitely thinner. While I am thin I am certainly not what I used to believe I looked like at this weight. When I was 150 before I remember thinking I was just soooo skinny and pretty, but now 150 feels like a starting point to the body I CAN have if I keep working. All I notice is my flabby parts most of the time. Also I totally know where the next 30 pounds is going to come from...my stomach and my thighs. Geeeeez! My thighs are horrible. I probably have 20 pounds on my thighs and 10 on my stomach. I will say though that I'm starting to be able to visualize myself realllllly thin and I love it! It's almost like a high for me! I just love the idea of being soooo tiny.

People are starting to pester me about my weightloss every time I turn around. Everyone thinks I'm developing an ED. Which ummm yea I already have one, but I don't know how to deal with this. It's never been obvious like it is now. I'm so used to being able to brag and feel proud about eating 100 calories in a day to my Mom, sisters, ect. ....and usually no one cares what you're eating when you're really overweight, but now that I'm dropping down everyone is getting concerned. So basically I have to stop talking about the diet. I don't know how to do that. The diet= my life. So I guess I'm just going to have to stop talking all together because the diet is all I have TO talk about. I think about everything in terms of this diet and starvation. I freaking avoided hanging out with friends last night so I wouldn't have to be offered food I would then have to rudely turn down. I have a long lost friend I'd like to meet up with but I'm avoiding it out of fear of having to reject food in front of them and then get them worrying too. My Mom has already asked me to stop losing weight because she says I look fine at this weight. It's going to be really frustrating to get to a size 0 with everyone resisting against me the whole rest of the way.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with not being able to tell everyone that I've lost another pound, ect....

btw...about bulimia. I think this has also been a motivating factor to not eat because I don't want to have to pick up that habit like I promised I would. Well I think that deals off. I will always use laxatives(which I'm aware that they don't actually prohibit calorie absorption) because I've done that for ages and it's what i'm used to, but I can't figure out purging....I'm too scared and i love my teeth too much. Really and truly I do love my teeth. Plus starvation feels safe....purging just says death to me. Plus that seems like a slippery slope...I don't like the idea of eating a ton and stretching my stomach because what if one time I couldn't get it back up??? I would die!! I would seriously feel suicidal!!! panicked and soooooo upset! Starvation is control....control makes me comfortable and happy.

So yea...for now at least I'm safe in my little world of starvation... = )

Until next time...

I don't like being psycho

I feel like all I do when anymore is think about weight. Like I know everyone does alot and even more-so if you have an ED, but I feel like I take it to a new level. There is not one moment within the day that I'm not thinking about calories, my weight, comparing myself to other girls, wondering if people think I'm skinny/fat/ugly. Like even as I was typing this the thought crossed my mind that I might be burning calories by typing. RIDICULOUS! I have been obsessed with weight my entire life but it's never been so constant and such weight(no pun intended) on my mind. I neverrrrrrr pass a girl without looking her up and down and sizing here up in my mind...wondering if she's thinner than me....wondering if she has an ed too.....wondering if she thinks im fat....wondering if guys would pick her or me out of a line up. Wondering if she's jealous of me...if she thinks i'm pretty....if she thinks im skinny....wondering if she thinks i'm skinnier than her. Like I sound like a conceited, self-absorbed bitch and I swear I'm never mean to somoene based on their weight, but it does pop in my head almost like someone with ticks can't help but blurt out certain offensive words....my mind has ticks...I can't help but think of everything in terms of weight and diet.

I'm still 155 today which I expected considering the mini binge I had last night. I'm not going to lie....today has been a toast only day and it has NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT been easy. I haven't had enough to do to distract me from eating. So all I've doen is think about how much I'd like some brussel sprouts and collard greens.

Here's something i've been doing alot....I keep buying groceries...groceries that I may never end up even eating, but i'm so obsessed with food that I just buy tons....even more than I would possible eat ever. today I bought four big bags of vegetable....why did I do that??? I knew it was a toast only day and i had no intention of eating them, but I just want to purchase food so bad! It's almost like buying food kind of makes me feel better ....like it's my new way to interact with food since I'm no longer eating it. I have a pound of spinach, peanut butter, jelly, dressing, pepper, 5 bags of vegetables, grapes, and pears all in the fridge which I have BARELY touched if at all....I think the only thing I've had is some of the spinach and a couple grapes. Like I said....it makes no sense, but it all goes back to the fact that I'm obsessed with food even in it's absence.

I only had toast this morning so I've had about 110 calories. If you include the almond milk I've had in my tea you could say I've had about 150 calories, but i never count the almond milk. I suppose I should start. Drinking the tea today was really important because it's been important to get these laxatives moving through my system since I haven't eaten a lot to get them working. I mean I don't know how other people work with laxatives, but I only have diarrhoea once I eat something with them....and I'll get it every time I eat something until the pills are totally gone and done in my system. SO since I haven't really eaten they haven't really had an opportunity to work their magic and take out everything with them. But the tea drinking has helped and I've been able to move stuff through with every cup today. I know this is disgusting, but weight loss is just pretty disgusting at its core....it's all about shedding the nastiness clinging to our body.

I am 15 pounds from what most people say is an ideal weight for my height....and about 25 pounds from my first big goal. I feel like once I hit 130 I won't feel totally ashamed of my body...I'll just feel fat, but not a hideous monstrous beast like I feel right now.

I can't believe that I was ever fatter than this!!! I know I say it all the time but seriously....how was I comfortable even??? I'm so happy I've come this far...as much as I complain about how miserable I am sometimes I really do have to be happy that I'm back in the game again....I just really believed for a while that nothing was ever going to get me thin again....that I would be stuck at a size 14/16 the rest of my life.

One really good thing happened today that I want to end with. I have a little black jacket that I've always loved because it makes me feel really skinny. It was CRAZY tight underneath the armpits because it was too small, but I always felt so svelte in it. The thing barely buttoned, but when it was buttoned it just made me look locked and loaded haha

Well I decided to try it on because I was sure I would look really good in it now....ummm wrong! It's way too big! haha I don't look svelte any more....I look sloppy. I was sad that it didn't look good because i always really loved that jacket. Actually I've been feeling frustrated alot here lately because I'm swimming in stuff I bought a month ago ...so this is getting kind of expensive, buttttt then I think...who cares....who cares how things fit when I'm skin and bones. When I'm skin and bones I can wear anything I want and look beautiful.

I've never posted pics here because I was so afraid of someone I know finding this page, but I think if I ever get 10 followers I'll celebrate by posting some pics....Hopefully by then I'm really thin too.

Anyways...until next time! = )

Thoughts on the community

Despite the fact that no one follows me....in all the time I've been writing this not one person has noticed my page! but yea despite that fact I have taken notice of not only quite a few blogs, but also many people within the ED community and I've noticed a trend.

There are sooooo many pre-conceived notions about people with eating disorders! Like you don't have one unless you've been hospitalized for being soooooo underweight. Most people with ED's I know don't even show being too thin, but they have the most out of whack relationship with food....and thats what it comes down to with having an ED.

I've been screwed up with food my ENTIRE life....I can't remember a time in my life where I simply thought...I'm pretty and perfect just the way I am. From the moment I knew of the word fat I believed I was because my size 4 mom would walk around our house constantly talking about how fat she was. I believe she also commented on my weight or what I ate as a kid several times....and while I was never even overweight until around 5 grade...I had been thinking I was since I was maybe 5??? I think that my belief that I was fat made me obsessed with food early on and I grew into my weight battle rather than having a weight issue and having to then think about it. I was skinny as a kid....tall and lanky actually, but I confused being larger(taller, ect) than my little sister as being fatter. Also my whole family used to constantly talk about how tiny and skinny my little sister was.... I believe the fact that no one ever used those terms to describe me(despite the fact that I was) stayed like a thorn in my subconscious.

I know my Mom never meant for anything like this, but she did let this happen. I must take responsibility now for my actions that have led me to this extreme fatness in my adult life but my mom simply did not emphasize a healthy body image or relationship with food.

My Dad was worse. He would allows tell me I'd look better with a few pounds off or ask me what I weighed which would humiliate me to no end. He also always seemed prouder of me when I had lost alot of weight as opposed to when I was heavier. He would comment that I had been more attractive when I "worked out more." I never got compliments when i was extremely overweight last winter and I think that actually just made things worse. I mean even when I'm overeating it's just my ED...it's just in a different form. I have so much therapy to deal with once I'm on a salary. Issues with self hate, insecurity, male hatred, and food. I don't know how I'm ever going to stop thinking about food in these extremes. Right now I don't know how I'll ever NOT diet. Like today I hit 155! YAYYYYY! I was so excited and I had told myself that when I hit 155 I could eat slightly normal...meaning around 500-600 calories for ONE day. Well today I ate -

toast 2x's - 200cal

vegan hotdogs - 250cal

grapes - 100cal

Collard greens - 30cal

almonds - 70cal

= 650!!!!!! = (

and as you can see alot of that was bad combinations....like toast has carbs but was low fat...and then I paired it with fatty almonds....the carbs in the bread with the sugar in the grapes......just dumb dumb dumb....I never eat like this usually. So in a panic I took 10 laxatives. = /

I may have overdone it with the laxatives, but this stuff needs to go ASAPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I know calories may stick but I just want to crap out everything....I don't need this junk sitting my stomach. I know I said I was going to purge the next time I ate normal, but I was so scared and I allowed myself not to because of all the hard work I did getting to 155 in three days.

I hope by Wednesday I can be 154. I just really need to lose 5 pounds in the next six days. That kind of loss means toast only days for the rest of the week. I CAN DO IT!!!!!! I just really need to see the 140's plus I told my mom I would be 150 by the time she got home from her trip and she comes home next Monday.

I have never in my adult life seen 140-anything on a scale...even when I've hit 150 I never managed to see 149....and twice in my adult life i can remembering losing down to 150. I'm now 155 and in 5lbs I'm going to be at the point that has always broken me in the past. Of course in the past i was never as determined as I am now, but regardless I'm still nervous and I think I will be until I see that 149 and beyond. I definitely know I'm on a strong run right now....I feel really strong in the diet despite the fact I ate a lot today. I'm really managing to drink my tea and stay away from food. Sleep has been a really good AND NEEDED distraction. Which speaking of it....I'm headed there.

Until next time... = )

A good note...

So I managed to hit 157! = ) Hooray!! Okay so I'm automatically back to feeling dissatisfied once I read that this girl I follow weighs 102lbs....yes, she is shorter, but I'm a heifer. ANDDDDD this weight loss only came after eating 400 calories over the course of THREEEEEEE DAYS! That's right I only had 200 calories Friday, 100 calories Saturday, and 100 calories today. But seriously that's what it takes for me to lose weight. I don't know how people lose weight by eating 1200 calories....like I can't even comprehend such a thing. I feel obese now when I eat 500 calories. Really anything more than my toast feels like sin. Yes, I'm exhausted and my mind barely functions but that's what it takes.

I wanted to be 120 by Christmas sooooo bad, but its just not going to happen. I just can't lose it fast enough....I'll be 130 for sure, but not 120. I just don't know why this is sooooo hard and slow. It's just really annoying to eat 100 calories and be a size 10. Like it's one thing to feel the pain but be anorexic looking. It's another thing entirely to eat anorexic and be fat.

To be 130 by Christmas I would need to lose 1 pound every 2 and a half days.....which in the past I would have thought would be a piece of cake, but considering how slow my weightloss is coming I no longer believe that. I think it will be tough, but I'm going to make it. Basically I need to lose 3 pounds a week. I'm going to cut my calories in every place possible. I already cut my peanut butter out of my diet and I will now stick with that. I should learn to drink my tea w/o almond milk even thought I'm sure I only have around 5 calories of it per cup. I need to measure my dressing everytime and not just eye it. Basically i just need to reel in all the random calories I don't take enough notice of.

I should drink more water also. Maybe chew less gum....idk gum is my addiction.

It's just weird to have lost 33 pounds, but I feel like my body looks EXACTLY THE SAME!!! I cant see any difference any more....I'm so tired of being fat too.

One crazy thing I will end with. I was trying to pick out an outfit last night for work today and I have this purple cord mini-skirt that has always been a bit snug but I've worn it anyways and worn things to cover the muffin top, ect...well I thought - "Oh I bet that will fit perfectly!" So I tried it on....It would barely stay up on the widest point of my hip!!!!! haha It was so loose it just dropped off! I find that really crazy. I mean that thing was tight! and I thought I was hot stuff in it too....so how is it that this much thinner I manage to feel the ugliest?? I'm so weary of it all

Oh well...until next time! = )

Beaten down...

Is it just me or does my blog get more depressing every post....Guess I should work on that...Sorry :/

But I have to tell you today is depressing as well.....I'm 158. Yes I lost another pound but at an excruciatingly slow rate. It's like I'm plateauing.

Here's how the week went:

Monday I binge ate basically...yes, I ate only vegetables, but entirely too many. I ate about 1000 calories which I would say is the most I've eaten since I started dieting but I know why. No one in my house has been buying the type of groceries I need to diet or eat vegan so I had run realllly low and I had this underlying nervousness about the fact there was no food in the house so I ate up every last little bit of reserve I had ....I have no clue why my mind kicked into this mode, but basically I had a potato, some potato/mushroom/green bean blend, brussel sprouts, peas, a salad with a 40 cal. dressing, and toast w/ PJ+sugar free jam

and probably something else i forgot to add....CRAZY!!!!!!! I can't believe all the carbs...I had not been eating potatos for that very reason. Well I learned a lesson....thats all I can say.

I did end up running that night...around 4 miles....so I think that made up for a good bit.

Tuesday was about the same...maybe a little less, but not by much.

Wednesday was probably a 600-700 calorie day. Still bad.

Thursday was okay ...I think I did about 400.

Friday I was already determined and frustrated still after this horrible food week...So I just ate about 230 calories.

And today(Saturday even though it's technically Sunday now) I had 110 calories. = ) Finally success. I mean I guess a true success would be no eating, but whatever. I aim for toast only days and thats what I did today so I'm proud. = )

This week though I did decide something....I have got to start purging. The next time I eat something I shouldn't I am going to have to force it up no matter how difficult it may be. I had realized this was going to be necessary this week and then ironically tonight at work I found out that one of my friends at work is bulimic. I felt really sad for him, but in a sick way I was even more inspired. I knew that if he could do it...I could too. It's just scary...I'm insanely obsessed with my teeth and I'm scared of hurting them or losing them. I'm scared of ruining my throat. I'm scared of becoming as obsessive about the activity as I am with dieting as a whole.

The thing is...I don't like eating alot. Thats one of the highs I get off dieting is that feeling of starvation. I love hunger....thats not why I eat. I eat because I just enjoy the action of eating and taste. But I know I won't ever be able to binge eat like some people do with 9342858374 calories or anything. I also know I will never be able to purge on the foods people advise purging with. I can't do dairy and I don't like any of the foods people typically list so it wouldn't be worth my time to eat them. The things people say NOT to purge are the only things I like to eat. Vegetables, spicy foods, salads, toast.....thats all I eat. If I purge it will be with those foods. I guess I'm just going to have to drink a TONNNN of water in order to aid in the purging process.

I'm just so upset that the end of October is like 2 weeks away and I am almost 30 pounds from my goal. I'm not even mad at myself as I am really mad at my reatrded body for not responding properly to my lack of food. Like why aren't you fucking dropping these pounds!!! I barely feed you!!!!! and you can't drop more than 1-2lbs a week!!!!! thats how much regular dieters lose!! This is why the purging is necessary. For the next two weeks at least....anytime I have anything OTHER than my toast....I'm going to have to purge it. This will be hard....VERY hard, but I've got to learn this sometime....might as well start now. I think on Monday I'll start with my breakfast. No one will be home so I can have some privacy to figure this out.

Any tips or advice would be nice.... :/

Until next time...

I am so empty...

I am 159. This was supposed to be so happy. I am so much thinner than I ever was and I am only pounds away from the thinnest I've ever been...but I've only managed to feel worse. I am so torn inside....It's like I haven't been truly happy in so long I don't even know what that looks like. I can't believe how messed up my life has gotten. I just feel so lonely...so unimportant....so much like I've felt at all my fat weights. It's weird but I still associate getting thinner with getting closer to happiness....and i still believe that happiness will be here when I hit 120, but I do realize that the thinner I've gotten the less happy I have also gotten. I still don't think it has much to do with my weight though. It's like my weightloss has given me something to live for in the midst of all this sadness. It's the one thing I can count on. I know that no matter what I will hit 120 or less with time. I have learned to be patient. This weight isn't coming of overnight. In fact this is the slowest I have ever lost weight, but all this time has taught me to be patient. This time has made this weight loss something permanent. It's so weird to think that a couple months ago I felt panicky all the time because i was so scared that I was going to start gaining this weight back....I was just soooooo afraid of this weight and I wanted nothing more than to be a waif. The thing is...I couldn't have handled being a waif then...I couldn't have handled success. This whole thing is a learning process....Everyday I deserve an anorexic body slightly more....and in time I will be rewarded one. It gives me hope to write about these dreams....to talk about a reality I CAN COUNT ON FOR ONCE. The one thing I can control and be sure of is my own will power. I will say though that eating only toast used to be so easy. actually this is an issue I've been having...I tell myself that I used to eat toast only all the time but i know that wasn't completely true...I used to eat it like 3 days out of the week....which still is ALOT better than now, but I just wish I had kept a more accurate record of my eating habits at that time so I would know for reference just exactly how my eating habits have been throughout this process. It would help me with dieting alottttt more. I need to record it on here, but I find myself not wanting to write on here as if this is some kind of homework I'm avoiding...yet in reality once I start writing I always lovvvve it and I always do better with my diet when I write and spend some time looking at thinspo. The one thing I feel really good about is that in months I haven't eaten over 1200 calories...not even 1000....I would say I average about 700-800 a day. This past week I had one day that stood out to me as exceptionally bad, but even that was under 1000 I'm sure. Sometimes even my failures are encouraging because I still call them failures despite they are successes to most people and therefore I know my mindset is still correct....which is the most important thing IMO. This weekend though I got focused...I had a toast only day for the first time in forever. Today I was slightly less successful but still decent.

toast: 130

salad: 60

grapes: 100

Broccoli w/ olive oil: 200

= about 500 calories

To be honest 500 calories is about what I'm shooting for. The broccoli was me being a fatty because I had said i was done for the day and then I went back and ate that but if eating vegetables is my greatest sin then I'll say I'm doing okay. I hope I'm 158 by tomorrow....I really need that. I took a bunch of laxatives tonight hoping that I could clear myself out for weigh in tomorrow but I don't think they are working...I feel completely normal and I took a double dose hours ago. I just feel like I have alot I could be getting rid of should I truly be cleansed.

ughhh i'm done for today.