179 and a lot of drama

 I’ve totally lost my way. This weekend was going to be this amazing push where I got well within the 170s but I’ve totally stalled. Last week I was 100% following my diet and losing nothing. Friday I went tanning and burnt myself terribly only to be even heavier on Saturday. Turns out sunburns cause water retention. So I didn’t lose anything that day. Then Sunday pretty much same thing. Can’t remember the exact number but probably 181/182.

Monday was my day to really come out of the plateau and I did....barely. I hit 179, but I’m not completely convinced it was real even though I hit it twice. The scale was just being kind of bizarre so idk.

In any case, I logged it. So 21 lbs down.

The weekend was horrible though in terms of diet. I never completely blew it, but they were high calorie days - like 700/800. Tuesday is when I really cheated and had 1000 calorie day, as well as, higher carbs. I think I netted around 40. 

Yesterday I was at 800. I don’t consider yesterday a cheat because my calories were made up of still “on plan” food like broccoli, but just too much.

So anyways, I’m not where I need to be. I weighed in at 186 today, but I majorly swollen. Like my eyes are small I’m so swollen. I think I ate a lot of salt the past two days and higher carbs don’t help either.

Today I’ve got to be back. My period starts this weekend and honestly I’m having a lot of emotional PMS symptoms so I can only imagine how much it’s impacting me physically. I know my period stops my progress every time, but if I can push past this - I will see a major change.

I can’t forget all my goals. Yes, this week has sucked, but it’s my period - I can still do this. I just have to fight. 

This is happening

 So I believe the last day I wrote was the day I decided I needed to up my calories/carbs for a day. I was worried I was really going do to some damage because I had burned SOO much and done so on practically no carbs/calories. I felt like my kidneys were hurting.

That day I think I had 30 carbs, but 20 or less net carbs. Calories were 660. 

I’m actually really proud of that because that’s something I never had control with before. Being able to increase or decrease based on physical needs and not just from “wants”. 

In any case, I’ve lost nothing. In fact yesterday I couldn’t get the scale off 184/185. I know I haven’t actual,y gained weight, but something weird is going on with water retention. Tuesday I took one laxative - a mild one and I think it’s kicking in today.

I was 182 today so I’m hopeful one that kicks in and I lose some of this water Renton I can be 178 this weekend.that will be my thinnest for the year so far. 🙄 well actually 177 will be my thinnest, but prior the thinnest I’ve been this year is 178 back in early April. 

I’m trying not to get totally hung up on the scale and just focus on maintaining my diet. I know I’m in a huge calorie deficit and that’s what matters most. I’m also 11lbs from the 60’s and less than 20 from “healthy”. 

I cut off my hair this past weekend and I’m going and getting it dramatically colored this weekend. I haven’t done that in years because my hair is my security blanket and I always hide my weight behind it. Short hair is exposing. I always think I’ll do things like this once I lose the weight, but it was important for me to just do it because I AM GOING TO LOSE THIS! This IS happening and I have to keep it real this way. 

Phases

 

Well after an amazing weekend.... it’s all over. 

Yesterday I was 181. This was after an intense workout of pushing myself past what I would have ever thought I had in me. My total burn yesterday in elevated heart zones was over 1000 calories which I haven’t done in any recent memory. 

I had a net difference of around 5000 calories total the past two days so it’s discouraging when there is no reward for the effort.

In any case I weighed in today at 182..... 🙄

The only difference yesterday was I allowed myself a jello cup. I was genuinely worried yesterday because I felt so sick last night and my keystones registered crazy high at one point yesterday. I was worried I was experiencing ketoacidosis(sp). 

I just was really lightheaded and I had a bad headache. 

In any case, regardless of the scale I know how hard I’ve worked. I’m taking it easy today and the most I’ll do is walk to get my mail, but otherwise I’m resting.

I think I’m retaining water and that’s more of the issue right now, but I’ve been drinking a lot in an attempt to flush out any retention. I’m talking 96oz. At least.

It will catch up eventually, but I just wish it was sooner, I want to see the 70’s. 

On a roll

 

I felt like if I would just hold on during my plateau last week, I would then see a massive drop. I was right! I’m 180 today. I busted my butt on the treadmill today and yesterday. While it’s sad that 20lbs down still means I’m 180.... it’s progress and the 70’s could be here tomorrow!

I’m eating the same thing pretty much everyday because it’s satisfying and it’s getting the job done.

Super lean pot roast meat: 300ish

Broccoli: 100ish

Occasionally I add in sugar free jello if I need something sweet.

400 calories is a sweet spot I think because I’m satisfied and never starving. I actually did a 400 calorie diet back in maybe 2005 and lost a good bit. 

The 60’s are 11lbs away. I can do this!

Miracles happen!

 Miracles happen

I hit 182 today. It feels unreal. I remember a couple days ago writing 183 would be impossible. I am very much back into the swing of things after derailing last weekend. It helped that I finally used the restroom for the first time in days. Also I completed an hour long workout burning well over 500 calories. 

I just have to keep things up and stay motivated. Motivation is going to be the hardest part right now. I’ve never done a great job of documenting weight loss in pictures because when I’ve been bigger I’ve always been too ashamed. I’m forcing myself to document this time. I think it’s important to really SEE yourself and not just the “good stuff” you’ve accomplished. It helps ground you in reality and keep from allowing yourself cheats or outs. 

I took photos today for the first time in maybe 2.5 weeks. It was kind of depressing how little change has actually occurred because I was starting to feel really changed. 

If I can continue to lose .5lbs a day I could be 169 by then end of September. The sixties always feel really “safe”. I can’t believe I’m about to get back to the 70’s!! This coming week!

I’ve given myself a really hard time about being the weight I currently am. Even in my mind I thought this was the most dramatic gain ever. It was for recent history but not in my life overall. Additionally, I looked through a number of medical records and I’ve weighed in at 180-something more than not. 

So that tells me - I just have a different mindset at this point and I need to just stay strong and embrace what’s ahead. I can do this.

The hardest pound...185

 

I finally hit 185 for real this morning. It’s a great day with much to be thankful for. 

Yesterday I started craving stuff for the first time like pizza and cake. Later I realized - there are soooooo many reasons to not break down right now. I think it would be good to list them.

Think about your current before photos. You haven’t even changed that much.

Think about 2014.

Think about dating.

Think about being envied.

Think about enjoying shopping.

Think about enjoying your reflection.

Think about running half marathons again.

Think about enjoying going out and doing things.

Think about going to the pool or the beach.

Think about seeing old friends again.

Think about freely taking photos.

Think about buying cute clothes.

Think about being pretty again. 

Think about your old clothes.

You’re currently bordering on obese.

You ARE NOT in the clear. You are 22 lbs from the clear. 

Think about Halloween, thanksgiving, and Christmas and all the cute clothes. 

Think about the celebrities that are thin - everyone wants to be them.

Don’t stop thinking. You suppress all this to give into immediate pleasures. Don’t.

The bumps are what you climb on

So ever since the fake 185 I’ve lost exactly 0lbs.

Yesterday I kept weighing in at around 188 or 189 all day which was so upsetting.

I honestly considered caving yesterday and eating more because wtf is the point of eating nothing if I’m not losing anything. I decided I just needed to hold out. I know this has happened in the past and it always eventually ends, but I have good reason to believe I’m just massively swollen for whatever reason. Likely it’s related to East I g around 40 carbs on Sunday. Net carbs were like 23, but I think that didn’t matter to my body. Water sticks to carbs as I understand it.

So today I woke up and weighed in at 188, but I just felt bad and swollen. So I just decided to try and flush my system with lots of water. I did that and drank a lot. By weigh in I was 186. Also I’ve been testing my key tones and Saturday they were great, but the past couple days it’s been trace amounts only. Actually this morning the test really didn’t look like there were any at all. In any case I tested right before eating and I was back up at fairly high levels. 

So either through my own doing or just whatever I’ve been set back, but thankfully I pushed through and today I’m sticking to under 400 calories. I had my broccoli and stew meat. I should weigh in at a “real” 185 tomorrow.

I should also add that Ive had no bowel movement today and I think that would really help. I’d like to be 183 by end of week, but that feels a bit impossible now. Hopefully it’s 184 at least.

I just want to be in the 60’s by early October. I want to go through this holiday season back in shape.

It’s so easy when the weight won’t go to give in and give up. To just accept hiding away and being ugly and resigning myself to this current life. It doesn’t have to be that way. I don’t know that things will be better if I lose this weight, but I’d like to hope. I’d like to enjoy seeing myself in a mirror again. How long I’ve avoided myself. 

Not great

I’m depressed. Really no point in beating around the bush. Weight loss is stalled. I haven’t felt great - weak/fatigued. I’m lonely. Still not talking to family. 

I think I’ve just lost sight of the hope I had a couple weeks ago when I started and I need to do a better job of keeping that front of mind. Otherwise it’s too easy to focus on whatever discomfort I’m currently facing. I’ve been in a consistent calorie deficit of at least 1000, but I need to do much better. I also think some level of constipation is screwing with the scales.

On Saturday I weighed in at 185 and I was so excited. It was 185.2 which was so well within 185 I didn’t think to “re weigh” which is kind of my standard double check. I can’t remember now how this came about, but I did end up weighing later and it was 186. It was like the scale had glitched. I weighed and reweighed and it was 186. So I hadn’t actually lost anything. Since then I’ve stayed at 186 or weighed in at 187 depending on how much water weight I’m holding/constipation. 

I think Friday I’d had around 300 calories...maybe Saturday too? But Sunday and yesterday I had around 800. So there is no reason to be THIS stalled. 

I might be able to breathe a little in the 70’s but I’ll never get there at this rate. 

Looking to the future

 

It’s been 2 weeks or 17 days since I started dieting. It feels like things have moved at a snails pace and I’m already discouraged. However,after actually seeing how many days it’s actually been vs what I’ve lost - its not bad. 14lbs in 17 days. I know this pace won’t continue unless I push extremely hard so I’m preparing for a general slow down.

I’m 186 today. It’s weird how you mentally breakup your weight into groups or segments of comfortability. For example the 90’s were crisis zone and 200 was like the world ended. Technically now really is still a crisis zone, but the thing is I’ve been 186 at times where I wasn’t feeling like the world was ending. I weighed in at 186 exactly I think fall 2017. I remember being shocked and saddened, but somehow knowing I’ve been this weight at another time recently and came back from it makes it “safer”. In reality I’ve come back from 200 as well... and higher, but because it was so long ago it feels less real or less doable. But I’ve done it.

Really I’ve bounced around these 80’s long before now. Looking at a weight log today - I was 183 last November. I was 178 in March and happy about it! I had just lost 5 lbs. 

So the point is - I’m back in more familiar territory. That being said it’s no time to go soft. I’ve got to stick firm and be tough. The past two days were weak for me and I ended up around 800 or 900 calories both days. Today I’m determined to keep under 400. If I’m really strict I could possibly come out of the weekend at 184. 

I think I’ll be happier in the 170’s. I’ve felt great at time in the 170’s. 

160’s will be when things start to really look up and I’ll stop be “overweight”. 

150’s will be me being pretty happy and likely needing new clothes.

140’s will be success.

130’s will be beauty returned.

120’s will be perfection. 

188 and this is for me

 

This morning I woke up and immediately weighed in. I hit 188! I have to hit 187 by 8/20. That’s the exact weight and date from 2010 and I’m trying to almost recreate my journey. It’s helpful to know I’ve done it before and on almost the exact timing so I have a guideline of what I can expect.

My diet yesterday was 459 calories.

Extra lean turkey: 162

Broccoli: 120

Goat cheese: 83

Egg beaters: 46

Cheese slice: 40

Tomato: 8

It was great because it was super low carb too. I think I should easily hit 187 tomorrow or Thursday because I really feel the slow down I experienced was solely related to my period. I think I was retaining a lot of water and just constipated.

I’ve been giving a lot f thought to whether Ill always be bouncing up and down the scale. Part of me thinks yes because I guess it’s never been super easy, but the other part says no. I think had I not started losing my hair in 2014 I would not be here. I was totally fine and around 125 when that started. It kept me out of the gym and kept me home comfort eating. It just all spiraled from there. 

I think now about what I looked like and all the comments people made. It’s like even when I was soooooo skinny people were never satisfied. My sisters wedding day I remember someone commenting on the fact I was eating cake in a negative way. I was probably 135lbs that day. Totally normal! 

I don’t know - my hope is that I have some new perspective this time. This time feels like it’s for me... not anyone else and not for how they’ll like me more or whatever. It’s for me. 

That time of month....

Yesterday was tough. I struggled with only eating my one meal. After I ate yesterday I prepared a roast that I had to fix otherwise it would start to go bad. So I did that and I ate a little after... and then a little more. 🙄 anyways I ended up eating over 900 calories and 40 carbs. I’m trying to go into Ketosis so none of this helps. 

Well I worked out last night to compensate and I worked harddddddd. I burned over 750 calories and by the end of the day I had a 1600 calorie deficit which is only 100 calories less than the day prior. I just felt STUFFFFFFED all day and HOT. I have been cold the last week and it’s do to eating less, but I ate so much I knocked myself out of that. I really did feel uncomfortably stuffed and that’s what was so upsetting. I don’t like that feeling. But I felt it was there not just because of what I ate but because I’m not having bowel movements regularly. Which is another thing that’s just going to screw up the scale for me. I drank and drank and drank in the hope that it would get things moving,

In any case I still feel quite full today, but I woke up at 191. Not shocked. I feel a little swollen and bloated AND like I need to go and ... I started. So my period like I guessed has surely been a big scale issue for me the past few days and I wouldn’t be surprised if I drop a few pounds at once once it’s over. 

Measurements:

Biceps - 12inches

Waist - 36.5

Hips - 46.5

Calf - 16

Thigh - 26

189: Two in one

8/15

I’m in disbelief. I woke up after having not eaten since 1pm yesterday and I have STAYED THE SAME! 190. I guzzled water yesterday in an attempt to flush my system. I think drank probably 100oz?? Somehow I woke up feeling swollen. I ate so little sodium so I don’t know how that’s possible. 

The only thing I can possibly think of is that my period is around the corner.

8/16

So I ended up doing pretty intense workout all things considered. I ran a 13min mile.... pathetic but I made it. I then walked for about 45 min. My Fitbit calculated it as burning in total around 600 calories. I felt weak but fine. It was at this point I finally hit 189, but I felt okay and genuinely started considering going for a 48 hour fast. In any case I laid down to rest for a bit.

Out of nowhere around 1:30 I started profusely sweating for now reason. I was actually somewhat cold, but just dripppppping sweat. My heart was racing and I just got very weak very fast. I hurried and made food. It started to help immediately, but it took hours to feel normal. Yesterday I focused more on low carb than I have been.

2 burgers: 290

Lettuce: 10

Tomato: 16 

Mayo: 45

Cheese: 80

Broccoli: 60

Sauce: 50

Dressing: 35

Jello: 40

Total: 626

I focused on the protein and will continue to do so because my hair fell out in the past due to a vegetarian diet and restrictive diets in general on top of that. So I’ve been eating meat since last October trying to raise my ferritin levels. It has worked, but I need to keep pushing. 

One last thing: in the past I think what’s eventually broke me was 100 calories a day. While I eventually did hit 125 lbs it was never through 100 calories a day. I appreciate that 100 sped up my progress, but it ultimately hurt me a lot. This time I want to focus on something manageable that I could maintain indefinitely. So I’m trying to avoid approaching this from the “all or nothing” mindset. It’s hard for me to do.

2000 calorie deficit

 

Well today was rough... I took a laxative last night not because I was dabbling in anything bulimic, but because I genuinely hadn’t had a bowel movement and was afraid this was going to start hindering the scale. Well I woke up and was 191....which while not the worst - I followed the diet yesterday and was expecting to see 190 right off. Not to worry because I would pass a BM and be fine surely. No. I had my energy drink and then continued to kind of limit liquids the rest of the morning. By noon I’d had a large BM and for whatever reason was still at 191. I finally teetered on 190.8 which I hit one time and called it a day. It had been buried around some 191’s so it didn’t feel “real”. 

In any case I had less today than the rest of week. I came in at 855.

Lunch: 

Lean beef patty: 170

Cheese: 40

Lettuce: 2

Tomato: 8

Light mayo : 35

Wrap: 50

Broccoli: 60

Dressing: 53

Sauce:50

Dinner:

Broccoli: 60

Lean turkey: 150

Goat cheese: 50

Apple: 117

THE good news is I worked out and I hit 10k steps for the first time in a long time. And  my deficit is over double what I ate. So I currently have my Fitbit targeting a deficit of 1000 calories a day.... so it “allows” me to eat up to that. So basically Ill have 2K deficit by the end of the day.

In reading later I think the reason I was struggling on the scale is laxatives make you retain water .... so I think that’s why my energy drink essentially cancelled out the bowel movement and nothing else was moving. My stomach was particularly bloated so it makes sense. I just hope I’m 189 tomorrow. I so need to leave these 90’s .... I never thought I’d even see them. 

191 - Copy Paste

 Whenever I start down a serious diet, it’s like my eyes become opened to reality. It’s as if I take off blinders. I just can’t believe the weight I’m at. I’m literally back at square one of my weight loss battle and actually a little worse! 

I’m 191 today. I’ve lost 8lbs in 7 days which is great, but I’m still here! 

I know I keep blaming the antidepressants but I really have too. I mentally feel like I’m coming out of a fog. They made me so numb and it’s almost like life really was a simulation. I can’t explain it, but I FEEL things now. 

I can’t say the diet is without any challenges, but trust me - there is no way I would have been able to last a day on this when I was on the ADs. 

I’ve fallen into a copy paste diet where I literally just eat the same exact things at the same exact time everyday. I can’t explain this but the ED side of me always viewed this as “safe”. To deviate from what had brought me success was to fail/give up and the only acceptable behavior is then to do anything that potentially “one ups” the standard or essentially is more restricting. 

The next few days will be tough as I’m about to start my period and assume I’ll be hungrier. 

Today’s diet: 950 cal.

Hamburger: 290

Wrap: 50

Lite mayo: 35

Cheese: 40

Broccoli: 60

Dressing:35

FF dipping sauce: 100

Lime jello: 15

Lean turkey: 150

Broccoli: 60

Blueberries: 80

Black bean snaps: 35

Today I used the last of these more fattening burger patties I purchased last week so now I will be eating only leaner meats. This will shave off around 140 calories daily... for the next few days.

192

I read through old entries the other day and it’s funny to compare my experience now vs then. Yesterday I hate 1000 calories.... not great and 100 more than I would have liked. Really I would have liked 500, but I’m trying to create a 1000 calorie daily deficit at least and eating 1000 yesterday didn’t achieve that. 

That being said I woke up at 192 first thing which was NOT expected. I was thinking I would be 194 and then after a couple bathroom trips would end up at 193. 🤷‍♀️

I’m wondering when the wall is going to come. I know this won’t last long at my current calorie intake. In any case I’ve lost 8 pounds in maybe 5 days?? I think. 

I’m convinced all these years if diet struggle and inability to drop weight were the antidepressants. I’m telling you I have tried a thousand times harder before and seen wayyyyy less results. The only difference was ADs. 

I took “before” photos today and it was a real wake up call. You go so long gaining weight or avoiding really looking at yourself that you don’t even know what you really look like. I mean I really felt like I didn’t look that different than my skinny days LOL and then I took photos..... 

It’s okay... it’s not about what I am.... it’s about what I will be. 

It’s been 10 years

First of all... I’m old. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I started this thing. Second of all - how strange that I randomly had inspiration to start again RIGHT at the 10 year anniversary of this blog. Well let me catch you up. Beginning of this past week I guess (probably 8/4) I was 200lbs. Awesome. So many things that brought me here but this path started in late 2014/early 2015. Hair loss is a bitch and a real life destroyer. It completed screwed up my workouts and fitness regime and I began to really comfort eat. Basically I gained 75lbs over 6 years. Every year I diet multiple times and every time is “going to be different” but it never is. I don’t want to make anymore stupid promises, but something feels different this time. I quit my anti depressant about 10 days ago and I think that was a hugeeee factor in my weight issues. I’ve been practically unable to drop weight on ADs. I’ve been on many in the last 4 years and I truly believe they are a major reason for a lot of this weight. My hair issues are slowly being resolved and I’ve had many bought of temp weight loss and hardcore workouts, however, I’m never able to get below a certain weight - usually high 160’s is best I can do. Antidepressants have given me a bigger appetite and strange cravings. Honestly this last one made me crave papa johns 24/7. I went through a period where I was eating a medium papa johns pizza all by myself every couple days. If you haven’t experienced cravings like this you can’t possibly understand, but basically it’s impossible to deny the craving. 20lbs of the weight gain came in the few months I’ve been on Effexor. Prior to Effexor I was around 178lbs. In any case here I am. I’m 195lbs today (8/9/2020) and I’m trying to start over. My mind just feels a little different right now. My old self doesn’t feel like it has to be some distant memory, but rather someone that’s still inside me and can still be. These 5lbs have come off pretty easy and tbh I’m surprised this has even been weight I need to lose. I was convinced that much of the weight I was seeing was water or constipation, but nope it’s seems like it was very real. 🙄 I’ve really only been dieting 4 days (or today will make 5). First day was probably 2000 calories followed 1600 - followed by 1300 - and finally just under 800 yesterday which surprisingly was so easy. I honestly think the more this Effexor gets out of my system the easier dieting will be. I can’t explain how much this drug fucked up my appetite. I haven’t really set goals yet and maybe I need to but I’m just kind of taking things one day at a time for now.