Moving On

Things have been looking up. I’m currently 161 and should be 160 by tomorrow the way things seem to be moving. I’ve decided that losing 3lbs a week is the way to go. I don’t want to feel like I’m dying every day. And really it’s just not possible given my current work load etc. Also I feel like even when I was doing 100 calories and “losing” 1lb a day… It wasn’t even truly 1lb a day. It was more like 5lbs a week because there were always slow times or delays for whatever bodily reason. I feel like 3lbs is the best way to ensure I’m actually losing fat and not all my muscle. Also, I think I mentioned this last time but I quit atkins. Technically I’m still doing only around 30 carbs a day and I have significantly reduced my calories to around 500-700 from 1100-1200 I was doing on atkins. Honestly, I think this has been far more effective because I quickly dropped 2 pounds as soon as I switched off more calories. I’m started to really notice the weight loss too. I know that sounds stupid seeing as I’ve only lost around 5- 7 pounds, but my stomach is much flatter and I feel like I’m started to be able to see some resemblance to my old figure. I can’t imagine how I will feel once I get back in the 140’s. I can’t wait to be able to put on that infamous miniskirt I used to wear everywhere. I found a video of me this week that was really surprising. It’s of me in the summer of 2014 wearing a tank top and these itty bitty Hollister shorts. I was sooo thin. Literally like a rail. I know I was around 125ish there. I can’t wait to be there again. Actually I’ve been thinking about how I want to dress once I get my figure back. I can’t wait to wear oversized turtleneck sweaters and tight little hot pants. I feel like that is the quintessential waif outfit. And boots that emphasize your thin leg. I’ve created a weight loss calculator. If I stick to losing 3lbs a week than I will be 128lbs by the time I go to this big holiday party around Halloween. Additionally, I was panicking last week because I thought my friend that knows me at my thinnest was coming to visit in a few weeks. I was so panicked about slimming down extremely fast in order to look “more normal” when he came. Last night he informed me that’s he’s not coming till October. That gives me a little over a month to drop some weight. I should be able to lose just under 20lbs in that time…. More if I really start working out. If I could hit the high 130’s by the time he comes I will look pretty decent…. Not my thinnest, but normal. I should be able to fit into all my clothes at that weight too…. Well the majority anyway. Just for good record keeping sake – Below is what I’ve been typically eating: Breakfast: Low carb wrap – 60cal Vegan hotdog – 50 Greek yogurt ranch – 25 Total:135 Lunch: Two boiled eggs – 120 Dinner: Breakfast x2 - 240 Or Steamed broccoli with Greek Yogurt Ranch or Low fat guac - 150

It's worse than I thought...

Hello, So I apologize for not updating the past few days. I tend to update this at work and it's been a little busier than usual this past week. Also, I found out some really discouraging news and I was really depressed about that. So.. I think I said previously that I was around 160lbs. Apparently I'm so far gone these days that I can't even eyeball my own weight anymore(something I could previously do to the pound). I mentioned before that I needed batteries for my scale. Well one day this past week I got so impatient on waiting for the batteries that I bought one on my way home from work. When I put it in my scale was still not showing all the numbers. I could only see the bottom half of the last two numbers and from what I could tell it looked like it was reading 66.... meaning I possibly weighed 166lbs. I was panicked.... I started trying o rationalize. The scale was obviously still messed up so maybe it wasn't even calculating the number correctly. Surely I wasn't 166lbs.... I mean theres no way. Like my clothes aren't that tight right? How could I gain 10lbs in a month anyways. How could that be possible. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I mean this number is as fat as I was in my freshman year of college. HOW COULD I DO THIS??? I immediately went online and purchased a scale. In the following days I continued to step on the scale to see if it was really messed up or what. Later it started showing that last two FULL numbers instead of the bottom half. It said 65.4. Omg... I started to wonder if maybe this thing was right. Still, how could this be. I mean I know I wasn't eating great and there had been quite a few mines in recent weeks, but still. HOW COULD THAT BE RIGHT? The next two days I must have stepped on that thing at least 15 times. It started reading all numbers. 165.4 ...165.4... 165.4...165.4 ....165.4.... 165.4 ....165.4. I wanted to die. Even if this was right... I'd still been on adkins induction for 4-5 days at this point. Surely I'd lost more weight than the original 166? Like if this was true... How do you only lose 1 pound in an entire week of carb deprivation. Well yesterday the morning the new scale came. I opened the box first thing that morning. Stepped on the scale and it said 164. I was crushed. The first scale had to be generally right because now two scales were telling me pretty much the same thing. Interestedly enough... I stepped on the new scale at least 20 times yesterday and at least 20% of the time it read 157. In my mind 157 seems to make more sense with what i felt I looked like and based on my clothes but still.... I couldn't ignore the fact that 80% of the time it read 164. Tis morning i weighted myself and I was 163. I stepped on the scale an hour later and once again 157. I have to assume at this point that I truly am in the 160's or this scale is just horribly wicked. In any case I've just had to resolve myself that these are my circumstances and this must be my jumping off point. I will say though that it is pretty disheartening to realize I've only lost 3lbs then in the course of this week. Thats petty compared to what i normally do during the first week of a major diet. I feel like I've been so strict too. Like what else could I have done any better. I'm sticking to my carb limit. I'm trying to make the bulk of my carbs vegetables. It just makes me wonder if I shouldn't give this up for my starvation diet. I just worry now that if I switch off of this now that I will suddenly balloon because that tends to happen when you quit a low carb diet. I feel that I have to at least stick to this till I'm in the 140's and then I can re-strategize. I feel pretty terrible on this diet too.... which makes it even more frustrating that I've done all of this for 3 measly pounds. On Thursday night I actually fainted. I've never fainted before even with all the crazyyyyy extreme diets I've done in my life like 100 calories or less a day... i've still never fainted. I'm just generally feeling super weak and fatigued. People say this goes away within two weeks so I'm hoping thats the case. My parents come in 10 days. I have to lose at least 10 more pounds before they come. I feel the only way to really kick this into high gear is to work out, but given my fainting episode I'm kind of scared to try. It's hard to walk around let alone run. I just know that when I do cardio on low carb.... the weight has melted off. I don't know what to do... I just can't believe this weight is my reality right now.... i can't believe I have been blind to my obesity. I can't believe I've allowed myself to be seen in public like this. I can't believe this is the only impression some people have of me. Till tomorrow.

Reality Check

I woke up so nauseous this morning. I ate 13 carbs yesterday so I think that’s why. I was planning on having my full 20, but my guilt about my fat body took over and I opted to just go to bed. I think the extreme lack of carbs is just making me a little ill temporarily. I’m on track to eat 15 carbs today. I had a dream a few nights ago that I tried on an old mini skirt that was extremelyyyyy loose summer 2014. It’s a size four. In my dream the skirt was tight but I could fit in it. When I got home yesterday evening I started wondering if that had been a dream or if I had really tried the skirt on. So I found it in my closet hanging up and immediately knew it was a dream. The skirt seemed sooooo tiny compared to my wardrobe now days. I decided I needed to try it on. I needed to understand how far gone I am to realllllly make myself take this seriously. It was painful. The skirt wouldn’t go past my thighs. I couldn’t believe it. How did I let myself go this far. I keep thinking back to winter 2014/2015 when I first started putting on weight and I just don’t know why I didn’t course correct. Then I think about last summer when I moved to NYC – determined to get a grip on the weight…. Why did I keep pushing it off? Why did I get to the point where pizza, fries, and cheesecake are my main food groups. I worked so hard when I first started this blog to get my weight under control. And I always prided myself(even during EDNOS recovery) that I hadn’t let myself get above 149 in years. I used to swear I would only ever be that weight again for a pregnancy. Now I could easily be 160…. And I’ve just kept letting it go. I bought a denim jacket three years ago that I used to regret purchasing because it was too big. Now it’s tight. Whatever – this is my new start. I can feel it. I’m determined. I’m not restricting myself to broth… I’m not limiting myself to one meal a day. It’s not sustainable…. Not right now at least. I’m doing Atkins because it allows me to eat things I like while still restricting in an extreme way that satisfies me mentally. I would like to lose 15 pounds by the time my parents get here on 8/31. That will put me at 145. My next goal is to lose another 20lbs by the 10/27. That’s when I’ll be visiting my extended family for a party. I just want to be back to my old thin self by then. Another stressor though is the fact that a couple friends will be visiting me around September/October and I want them to see me like they remember and not this obese heifer I am currently. Also, I’m meeting a bunch of new colleagues in the early part of September and I want them to meet thin Annie. Another benefit I expect form this is that my skin will be flawless if I stick to a low carb diet. Carbs are terrible for your skin. When this is all over and I’m skinny again – maybe I’ll go vegan. Vegan kind of forces you to be thin. We’ll see….

Going strong

So I did go to the store last night to buy batteries and they didn’t have the kind I needed for my scale. I did however stock up on foods for my diet which was great. I ate 24 carbs yesterday. Slightly over my goal of 20, but it was mainly because I couldn’t find zero carb energy drinks and I had to have a morning pick me up. Also, I’ve only had 9 carbs today so far and I feel pretty good considering the lack of food AND carbs. I think this is going to be super successful. Today at work people were discussing this girl on my team that’s super tall and skinny… with long blonde perfect hair…. Basically a model. Everyone talks about how pretty she is and I feel silly because I remember when I used to be described in those terms. It’s been so long. I know I can be 125 again and super fit. I remember summer 2014 I got down to 125 and I was soooo skinny. I was just walking down the street with my mom one day and some lady gasped and exclaimed “She’s so beautiful!” I mean she was old and probably not completely in her right mind, but still…. That sort of thing used to happen. And now I’m like a fat blob. Literally at least 30lbs heavier than that. I feel like in the past couple years I’ve become so complacent… Like I just genuinely stopped caring what I looked like. I feel like it’s been so long since I cared about guys – that’s half the problem. My serious motivator to wanting to lose weight has always been for a guy. I just haven’t been in a relationship since fall 2014. With zero interest in guys… it’s been all about doing whatever feels fun or good for me…. Aka eating. But I’ve been working in NYC in luxury since last summer…. I feel like all the girls are super thin, pretty, and stylish. I am not that way anymore. I was actually watching the Devil wears Prada a couple weeks ago and that’s basically my work environment. Anne Hathaway is considered obese at a size 6 in the movie and I’m a size 10 right now…. So just imagine what people think of me. Anyways – journaling seems to always help my motivation and keep me accountable. I even created a spreadsheet to track my food intake and weight loss yesterday. I need to get those Ketostix to see when I go into Ketosis… hopefully it happens fast. The scary, but good thing about low carb dieting is that if you have one slip up you can knock yourself out of ketosis. It puts the pressure on hard to not drop the ball. Until tomorrow…

Back On It

I don’t know what it is about the past year(or couple years you could say)… but I have had zero motivation to lose weight. It used to be the only thing I cared about and I was so afraid of being bigger again. Now it’s like I have zero self-control. It’s funny because I used to think that if I could just live on my own I would be so skinny because I wouldn’t fill my house with any temptations. That may have been true at that time, but it goes back to motivation. If the motivation is not there than nothing else matters. These past few months I have had zero self-control and it shows in ever thigh dimple and stomach roll. It’s disgusting. I’ve been thinking recently about all the dating I used to do and it wasn’t even a question in my mind that whoever I dated would think I was gorgeous. Now that seems like a laugh. My scale battery has been dead for over a month and I haven’t been quick in replacing it mainly because I’m sure I don’t want to see what it has to say. Anyways, I’m determined to replace that stupid thing today and see where I am. I imagine I might be as high as 160. Actually thinking about this…. I’m not sure I can handle seeing the scale say 160. We’ll see. All I know is I want to go back to miniskirts, tank tops, and no worries. I used to be so effortlessly pretty. I don’t want to stress about finding clothes big enough… I want to go back to trying to find clothes small enough. I feel certain I’m going to do it this time. I’m going to throw myself into this in every way possible. Running, working out, reading anything pro ana…. Watching anything pro ana, limiting time out with people. I can focus on that when I get back to my goal weight. I’ve even put off seeing friends simply because I don’t want them to see what I look like now. I remember how I used to relish in seeing old friends. I wanted them to see how thin and pretty I had become. My parents are visiting me at the end of the month. I don’t want to worry about not wanting to go out with this fat body…. I just want to be thin and care free. I used to be a loose size four and now I’m uncomfortable in my size tens. I miss seeing how flat and thin my stomach was. I swear I can pull at fat from everywhere these days. I’m doing a low carb diet as of today. The next couple days are going to be tough. I’m already kind of dizzy and sick feeling. The first three days are usually the hardest. I just felt this was necessary because I know I can lose weight quickly on a low carb… I know there are lots of low carb foods I enjoy eating. I also like how gaunt you look on a low carb diet. It would be awesome if I could lose 10lbs by the time my parents come…. That gives me 15 days. I think that’s reasonable given the extreme nature of the diet. Also I feel like when you exercise on a low carb diet it’s like weight loss in high gear. Hopefully a thinner me will update you tomorrow.