Validated

Last night I think I had a breakthrough. It's been over a year now and I'm still facebook stalking my ex and still stuck in this rut of comparing everybody to him and feeling like I'll never really move on. I've given myself alot of slack because granted he was my first love and I did idolize him on another level, but still why can't I move past a guy I wasn't even with for that long. I've always gotten over guys quickly...but I'm just so stuck on him. I got myself sort of excited this week because his wife left him at exactly the same time this year that he left me last year....so he's put all this depressing stuff on facebook and seems realllly low. But even still I wondered why I even cared. It's so over.....It's soooo over. So why do I keep rehashing every little thing instead of moving on and finding someone else. Well last night I went to the club with my friends and on the way home I started talking all about how I didn't know why I was still so depressed about this and she was agreeing....and all the sudden I said some really honest things I guess I'd been suppressing....maybe I did know but I was just in denial. Regardless, it was amazing and now I'm just wondering what to do with this new revealed truth. I was telling her how I could have gotten a new bf by now, but I am my own enemy. Because any time a guys shows interest...even if I first kind of like him....I automatically feel disgusted by him simply because I now realize he likes me. It's like I think that anyone who would possibly be interested in me is a freak, weird, social reject. The reason I feel that way is because deep down I hate myself. I still believe all those things about me that people used to say growing up....like I'm ugly, fat. stupid, loser. I think because of all this I feel like I have something to prove to all of them. Like I want to be with the most muscled out, tall, handsome guy simply so they can see it and then it's like they won't be able to think those things about me any more. With Brandon...I crushed on him for ages. I thought he was perfect....so in my mind he was already on a trophy level. When he expressed interest in me and seemed to love me....it's like everything those people thought about me went away and I was able to love myself.....because after all - heres this perfect 6'4 muscley jock telling me that I'm beautiful...so therefore I'm worthy of love and acceptance. I took Brandon's opinions about me as the pinnacle of truth. When he rejected me I think it came down on me a million times worse simply because I had put so much stock into what he thought. So now that I realize the real problem here....what do I do?? I know now that I have to start loving myself and feel worthy regardless of society, but I don't know how to actually do that. When you've spent your entire life hating who you are and having others basically reinforcing that idea....how do you change the cycle?? This is something I'm going to have to work on. But I think the first step is forcing myself to accept love. Whether it be a simple flirtatious gesture or whatever....accept that someone likes me and don't immediately back away from that. In other news....my anti depressant situation is all out of whack. I don't know if I've mentioned it at all here before so I'll spare going into it, but basically insurance companies suck and I hate being crazy. Lastly I'm 127. ttyl

Fragile

That is the word I would use to describe my current mental/life state. For most of my life people have always commented on how strong and independent I seem, but I know that it's a cover for someone that feels hurt and rejected. I try to talk and act extra brave and extra confident in order to compensate. It's only been at this new job that I think people really seem to call me out on it. Two of my coworkers like to rough house and they are always teasing me that they are afraid to touch me because I'm fragile. This is in reference to my physical state. I, of course, do not see this. I see strong meaty thighs, a gut, and awkwardly lanky arms. I can't imagine someone thinking I look like I could be injured easily because in my mind I look like a beast that can take anything....and for the most part, I think that's why people have picked on me so much over the years....because I look like I can take it. Anyways....yes, my phsical and mental state seems fragile at the moment. See I was given a new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicine as a sample pack. The medicine worked wonders for me and I'm much happier, but when I went to refill it my insurance company refused to cover it. Instead I've been given this zombie drug that literally makes me feels emotionless and drained of all energy. I hate this. What's the point of having good medicines if insurance companies won't allow people to have them. Then theres the drama with my job and whether or not I'm being laid off. It's just all so frustrating and overwhelming at the moment. My family is leaving in a few days to visit my sister in China and see her get married. Lucky me...I don't get to attend. Once again...because of money. I'm hoping their time away will provide me some time to play....if you know what I mean. I never get to go out....so I'm hoping I can have some good nights down town before they come back. I'm 129lbs btw. One thing about this new drug is that it will either cause major weight gain or major weight loss based on reviews.....lets hope for the latter. ttyl

Happy New Year!

I'm excited about today. I had a pretty good new years eve and I have alot of hopes for this year. I feel like 2013 is going to be a great year for me. I know this is going to sound extremely juvenile, but 3 has always been a lucky number for me. In fact I use the number 33 as a tag to almost all my usernames and passwords.....idk theres just something that feels really lucky about that number. Plus you know how they says third times a charm. Well, I've been trying to get this weight loss, fitness, and love stuff figured out for the past 3 years. Maybe this is my year. I will say this. Last night I was taking all sorts of pictures and I was kind of shocked. You know how people with ED's can't see them selves properly in real life. Sometimes it takes a picture to knock sense into them. Well I realized last night that I'm reallllly thin. Like thin enough. Like my face looks gaunt. I look so thin and pale....not really healthy. Sure the flash of the camera in club lighting didn't help my ghost like appearance, but this year I'm focusing on being a healthy, fit, and natural me. I want to put good foods into my body and eat the way God intended. It's going to be hard, but I've got to give up all this bad stuff I constantly consume. I've got to give up Splenda. In other news....my best friend has an opportunity to go to LA this February and work on modeling/commercial stuff. He just keeps saying that he's wanting to stay out there when he goes. Now I know he's likely not going to be able to afford to stay out there immediately, but it also made me realize that if he leaves me....I have no one. I need to broaden my horizons and put myself out there. I need to stop being so afraid to get involved with new different people. I can't depend on one friend to hold me over. I just have alot to think about over the next year. Alot of plans to make and so forth. I'm excited about all the opportunities and exciting prospects this year might bring. I'm at a good place right now....So 2013....Here I come. ; )