It's been a while = )

So it always worried me when I would be reading someone's blog and then they suddenly stopped writing. I would wonder if they died in some tragic way or if the diet finally got them. I felt it was important to eventually return to this blog and let anyone who cared know how my life has turned out.

I've just been reading over my old posts and wow. What a journey I've been on over the past year. I think I really found myself over the past year. As hard as it's been I don't think I would change a thing.

Let me start by saying that I am recovered (for the most part) from my ED. For me, recovery at this point means that I always eat at least 1200 calories and I don't punish myself for eating more or overeating. I don't purge and I exercise regularly. = )

In fact I am running in my first 5k this weekend! I'm the strongest I've ever been and the healthiest!

Let me now say that I didn't think this was possible a few months ago even. I never thought I would see the day when I wasn't obsessed with calories and I sure as hell didn't think I'd ever see the day where I ran for fun...let alone payedddd to run in a race. haha


I have alot more to say with regards to my recovery and my current standing, but if I could put my turning point down to one thing it would be this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zxXi0yeGGw


I really hope anyone struggling will watch this video and let everything sink in.

My lovely followers...I hope you are happy and healthy. = )

I'll discuss this more when I have a bit more time!

= )

I saw the therapist Monday. It was weird because I had in my mind what things would look like and how the therapist would act and when I actually got there I was almost in a state of shock as to how different things were from what I imagined.
I pictured like a nice office and a waiting room with some couches and plush chairs...and a therapist that was super warm/friendly. The reality is that the "office: is basically in a dilapidated old trailer. = ( I walked in to a tiny dark, dingy room full of crazy people...literally. It was gross and the people were so odd that I literally considered just getting up and leaving, but I decided to give the therapist a try at least because I was in such bad shape.

When I finally went back to her office to meet her I just answered all her preliminary questions and such she had to do for new patients. The office completely transforms when you get past the waiting room and it's actually quite nice. It took nearly an hour to do all the initial paperwork, but it gave us an idea about each other. She seems nice, but she is very stand-offish. I felt like she was looking at me several times like I was weird, but then again I'm crazy paranoid so who knows.
I have alot of hope that this will really help. = )

Yesterday I relapsed a little and had a 500 calorie day out of desperation and insecurity, but today I went to the gym and I've eaten really healthy. This should end up being a 1200 calorie day. = )

I want to thank you all for the continued support you all show me! I really appreciate it! I never knew things would spiral out like they have, but I have faith that they will get better.

Detached

I'm not sure how long its been since I've written...Seems like quite a while.
I'm just going to warn you that this post is completely uninteresting and you do not need to read it. I'm just trying to write down my thoughts as some therapy.

I've seen the doctor once since that one embarrassing visit. I see a therapist tomorrow and I'm starting anti-depressants. I've got to be honest...the only reason I'm not dead right now is because I have no easy suicide option. All of them could potentially turn into bigger messes than simply living this misery. Also I'm so mentally and physically depressed that I can't even conjure up the energy to do it. Last week I had requested off the whole week thinking that it would help me to get away from the store, but by the time I realized that was a bad idea it was too late. After coming in from work last Monday morning I literally didn't leave my house till Friday to pick up a paycheck. I didn't talk to anyone in my family. I stayed in my room for days simply laying in bed....for days.
It's almost a blur now. During that time I googled quite a bit about my problems and the best I can come up with is that I'm suffering from alot of social anxiety/general anxiety probably brought on from the eating disorder...which also sent me into a bout of major depression.
I hate myself....I'm constantly telling myself how ugly fat and disgusting I am. I nearly had several panic attacks this week simply from having to see my own disgusting body. All this self hate has also taken it's toll on my feeling towards my family. I hate them right now. All of them...and I don't know why. I find myself wanting to be mean to them too...so that maybe they feel as miserable as I do. I don't know why I'm so angry...I am hopeful that the psychiatrist can help me work that out.
I've also cut off all my "friends"... I'm angry at them also for never thinking about me or bothering to inquire about my life. None of them know about this issue. None of them ever bothered to find out.

So I'm completely alone. I have separated myself from any and everyone in my life. Frankly, it's just the last step because I think I cut myself off from myself many months ago. I don't even know who I am anymore.

As hopeful as I am about tomorrow...a one hour session isn't going to do anything. I feel it would take a week of constant therapy to even touch the surface of this.
It's as if I was in an wreck and I'm bleeding with near fatal injuries and someone is going to dab my wounds tomorrow with a tissue.

I'm sorry I'm not keeping up with anyone right now...It's just a bad time.

Hopeful

I weigh 142. Bleh.

I'm slightly better than I was the other day mood wise. That day at the doctor was basically life changing. It was the first time I've acknowledged my inner most secrets and flaws to someone. My friends/sisters don't even know my problems.

The reason it was so traumatic is because I cried in the office. Embarrassing. The nurse I cried in front of was horrified. haha It's not funny, but she look so scared! The doctor was more normal. She asked em how I see myself. I was like "Really fat." ...obviously. She said I was a normal weight and even somewhat thin. Obviously fake encouragement. oh well. She is supposed to refer me to a psychologist, but it's been several days and still no word. That's really annoying. Like I need help now! The sooner I can see someone the sooner this whole mess can be behind me!

I've been eating around 1000 calories. Just trying to keep my intake up.

I find that I'm more motivated to lose weight this way...less likely to binge...and more mentally stable.

A typical day for me eating wise goes like this:

2/3 cup Granola Cereal: 250 calories(a little less than that, but i always say 250 just in case...I'd rather estimate high rather than low)

1 small potato and plain steamed broccoli: 250

Maybe an apple: 100

Salad(100) and 1/2 Oatmeal(300): 400

If I reallllly want something else I may nibble on some pretzels but that's about it.
I'm trying to eat balanced meals. Meals with carbs, vegetables, and protein.

I'm hoping when school gets out i can spend alot more time in the gym. I just need to be at least 130. Ed or not...I have to be 130 at least. I'm so close that theres no reason I shouldn't be able to.

Hope everyone is well!

Dead

All day I've been in a fog. I'm just staring blankly...in silence.

I saw the doctor this morning about my ED. I cried. I humiliated myself.

I don't cry in public. I'm a perfectionist. I always have to appear like I have everything together. I always have to seem perfect. I never go out without makeup and an outfit picked out. I'm ALWAYS together.

Not today. Today I sat in an office...sobbing...and telling 2 people how pathetic I am. How weird I am. How UNperfect I am.

Leaving that office I felt exposed...violated...horrified with embarrassment.

I haven't spoken to anyone all day. I answered my Moms questions about what tests were done and then I went off to my room.

I truly feel like I died today.
I can't explain how traumatic the past few weeks have been. I just keep feeling worse and worse....but today...today was the worst.

I don't have a referral for a psychologist yet and I don't know when they'll call me with one. Right now it feels like this was all for nothing because there hasn't been any help or progress...just torment.
It's only because I have hope that I surviving this day.

I have to believe I may be able to resolve all my issues. I have to.

The Endless Cycle

So yesterday I did what I often do when I get panicky about my ED. I start binging. I just started eating this candy out of an easter basket my sister gave me. It was all downhill from there. I ate all the candies and a cookie, potatoes, broccoli, oatmeal, cereal, pretzels, a sandwich, piece of cake, fruit, jello salad, and probably something else I can't remember. I finally got so stuffed and sick that I couldn't stand up straight ...that's always my signal that I am ready to purge. I purged in the toilet rather than my bedroom trash can like I usually do because my family was gone. omg....Thats why I struggled with purging in the past...because I wasn't positioned correctly. Doing it in the toilet was the key. I threw up everything. I ended up eating some fruit and a piece of carrot cake last night because it was my sister's birthday, but I still didn't think my calorie intake was that high. Today I wake up though and I'm 144. What the heck happened....I purged it. I know I got it all up because I weighed myself after.

Everytime I binge the next day I have this burning feeling in my stomach/chest and this emptiness that doesn't feel like normal hunger. It's like more extreme. It's miserable. My stomach has been gurgling all morning and I'm just really disgusted with myself.

I want to go back to that resolve I had a few weeks ago when I started eating 1200 calories. I want to feel normal and healthy, but then another part of me wants to feel faint and sick from starvation. I want to feel weak. I want to be losing weight!

I just don't know what to do. I was resolved to get an appt with my doctor, but now I'm wondering if that's the right thing. I need to lose more weight! Besides that I don't want to go to the doctor when I'm this fat. She'll think I'm a joke.

Everytime I start the starvation thoughts I also start wanting to binge. Like it puts this desperation in me, but when I was allowing myself 1200 calories and "being normal" I wasn't even really tempted by food. Like I only ate at my meal times and it was just food to me...I didn't have this emotional draw to it. Because of that I was taking in around 900-1000 calories and not even hitting my limit.


idk what to do. Suggestions??


Thanks for all the support and advice! Your comments mean alot! really and truly.

Btw, I'm not sure if you saw my response, A. I had accidently written my home phone number when I wasn't thinking. My cell is 304-561-8224 if you want to buddy-up on diet. = )

Coming Out

It's a fact that seeking help is the scariest aspect of an ED. I've been at my wit's end. Literally sobbing and not being able to get control of these emotions all week. I'm just extremely discouraged about my weight and my scarily determined willpower to not eat.

It occurred to me this week that most people who develop an ED...due so when they are of a perfectly normal weight. I developed one when I was overweight. I lost 55 pounds through starvation alone. That takes an incredibly large toll on the body and thats why my symptoms are so similar to someone who is truly underweight. I've lost my periods. I have no blood circulation...literally my feet looked dead yesterday. They were so blue/purple that my Mom gasped and the whole thing reallly scared me. My heart hurts all the time. I can't sleep. I'm just extremely miserable and to top it off I don't have that excited feeling about weight loss anymore. It's like they are just numbers...all equally horrible and I'm fat no matter what the scale says. I weigh 140 today. Perfectly normal. Exactly ideal weight for a girl my height, but I hate myself...I hate my body so much. Despite my best attempts to be proud of my body...I feel ashamed.

I reached out to my Mom last night and explained the gravity of this situation. Basically we're seeking help at the beginning of the week. I'm scared. I'm afraid they'll put me on a diet that will make me gain. I'm afraid I'll see a counsellor that will think I'm fat and this is stupid.

....I'm glad the conversations over though.

500

I can't explain this feeling....It's like I'm just living in a daze. Actually its like I'm not living....I'm a zombie. All I do is think about weight and dieting. I have this diesease and I feel guilty day after day because I've spread this to others. One of the last things I ever shared with my friend(the one that was fired many months ago) was that i ate only a few hundred calories a day and he was totally fascinated. Soon after he was fired he started dropping weight. He looks completely anorexic last time I saw him. To add to that...I saw someone wrote on his Facebook thanking him for the dieting tips and that they had lost 10lbs.

Eating disorders are a cancer that spread by word of mouth. Whether it be a comment someone makes that destroys someone's self esteem till they want to starve themselves to death or the tips and tricks we all share on here or other sites. I'll feel guilty about that for a very long time.

Once someone has truly seen the darkest pits of this problem...there's no fun and games there anymore. It will only become a darker struggle. I don't know exactly when I realized I was no longer in control of the disorder, but I do know the joy of weight loss and life instantly stopped.

I ate 500 calories today. Tomorrow I'm shooting for 100.

Rituals

My diet right now is extremely ritualized. I eat the same thing day after day and the only thing that varies is my occasional snack. I'm barely taking in 1200 calories and I'm not losing weight. I'm miserable about how I look and my lack of dieting progress, but I've been unable to starve and a part of me doesn't want to any more anyways.
But today I woke up and went to have my cereal I've been eating everyday fors weeks now and someone ate the rest of it. Sounds so silly....sounds petty that this would upset me right? but I'm so dependent on these foods. These foods tell me I'm safe...that things are going to be okay. That as long as I eat them I can recover and be healthy and most of all NORMAL. So when I'm smacked with this reality that every things off kilter first thing in the morning....I just can't handle that.
I'm already so angry. I haven't been talking to my family. I haven't said one kind word to my family in days. I've just been in shut down mode all week. I was naive to think that recovery was here because I was eating 1200 calories. The truth is...recovery will be months long if not a year. It took me years to dig this hole and I won't be able to just jump out. There's an extremely long ladder to climb.

Basically I was so upset about the cereal this morning because I'd been telling myself that I needed to starve today...I had finally built up the motivation to go down and NOT starve and then when I realized my non-starving food was gone...it was like my ED was telling me it had control again and I just needed to follow it's orders.

So I did. I grabbed my 100 calorie toast and settled into the starving reality.

I'm going to starve this weekend. I just can't take it anymore....I'm so freaking fat and I know I can be 140 by Sunday if I just do this. I can eat normally throughout the week to boost my metabolism and starve every weekend.
Starving will help me loose the weight and the 1200 calorie diet will help me maintain.

Song of the Day - Annie by Jonatha Brooke


Until next time = )

Harder than expected...

I miss 100 calories....I miss success. I miss control. I miss feeling powerful and stronger than most.

This is so hard. I am literally forcing myself to keep up with 1200 calories and to be honest I'm not actually eating 1200...it's more like 1000. my breaking point to do this is primarily my hair....it's soooooooooooo thin and brittle. You can see so much baldness on my scalp. = ( I feel so ugly.

I feel ugly because this issue seems so petty. Like there are people in the world who are starving and I'm obsessing of the consumption of food like this??

Yesterday I was extremelyyyyyyy low and I finally decided to call the counselling office at my school. After getting the nerve to call(I was literally shaking) I hear on the other end that the office is closed. Closed? the counselling office is seriously closed during business hours when they are supposed to be open?
I realize I could call again, but see I built up the nerve to ask for help yesterday. I don't have that nerve today....I don't. I don't have time either.

I'm just so sad. I wish people that knew me now knew what I was like a few years ago. Like maybe I was chunky, but I was happy and I liked myself and I laughed ALL the time. I never laugh anymore. Not like I used to. I used to have laughing spells that lasted for a half hour and now I'm lucky to smile.

Yesterday the urge was so strong to restrict.....today I really want to restrict. It's only my will power, fear of more hairloss, and refusal of ruining my metabolism any more that is keeping me going.

I hope you all are doing well.

I've been away...

The past couple months I've been struggling to revive a will power that died(probably from starvation). Somehow I just can't do 2 week period of 100 calories anymore. I don't know how to explain this, but I guess I don't want to starve anymore.

I'm about 140lbs. Despite all the starvation and what not I've not been able to truly leave that number behind. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to be a thin healthy person that's able to represent veganism and make it look good. I want to enjoy life. I don't want to bald anymore. I don't want to snap at my family. I don't want to cry about scales anymore.

I just want to live.

The funny thing is...I thought I had a binge eating disorder that had to be controlled through starvation. Turns out...I was just so starved all the time that I ended up binging from hunger and not because I was a true binge eater. I've finally got myself on a consistent 1200 a day diet and I believe that in a couple months I'll be at the weight I want to be. The crazy thing is I feel totally satisfied and happy on 1200 calories.

Every once in a while I hear a comment or see something that makes me feel the need to eat 100 calories, but I tell myself it's not worth it.

I can't say I won't ever fall into it again or that I'm "recovered" but I'm doing what I can.

I'm not quitting this blog at the moment, but we'll see where things go. = )

100th post!!!

On one hand I can't believe it's my 100th post, but on the other hand I can ...regardless it totally makes sense because my issues have definitely come full circle. I think I'm finally back in a place where eating 100-800 calories is doable and I don't have to go into binge mode.

To be honest I ate 700 calories today, but it was a fairly thought out planned 700 and the only thing "bingy" was a 200 calorie cup of cereal. I REFUSEEEEE to guilt trip myself over eating something like 700 calories because it's the guilt that leads me to binge. I do it to myself everytime. I bought a book on eating disorders over spring break...and while I can't think of the title right now there was a life changing quote in there:

‎"Being unable to understand why one feels guilty is so unsettling that it can lead a person to do something bad so that she can at last attribute her guilt to a specific behavior."

Its like the page was screaming those words at me when I read it. Its weird because I still don't know how deeply this applies to me, but on a more surface level I think that logic plays into alot of my binging. I feel like I've sinned when I eat over 100 calories and therefore I pretty much "bask" in my sin in order to justify the guilt.

Well I'm not doing away with 100 calories...obviously as you can tell from my last post, but I'm not killing myself mentally if I eat more and I'm refusing to binge. I will NOT eat over 1000 calories until I am 125...this I swear. Now...on certain occassion I may choose to bundle my calorie usage for the day in order to indulge in a special treat, but the amount of total calories I consume in a day is never allowed to surpass 1000 and really I'm going to call 800 entering the "red zone".

I am 145. This means I have 20 pounds to lose. I can do this. I can so do it. If I just consistently diet I think I can lose 3-4 pounds a week using my methods...I'm going to make a goal of being 130lbs by the time my school lets out for summer break. That means by the end of the 1st week in May I should be 130. If I keep up my diet consistently over a months time it should be so habitual that I don't have to consider whether I'll be able to get down to 125 and below because it will just be my way of life.

I just pray nothing happens to make me slip up.
= )

Hooray for hitting 100! See you at 101! ; )

Ballooned

Its hard to believe that in the early part of February I was 134 pounds and feeling so great about my weight loss...and then to think that somewhere in the course of 2 months I managed to gain 15 pounds. I weigh 149 right now....Can you believe it? This isn't me...I think part of the reason that I haven't completely lost my mind right now is because I just don't feel like I could really have put on 15 pounds....it just seems so unreal. I remember swearing I would never see the 140's again and now I'm almost 150! Actually I am 150 with any liquids in me at this point.

I just keep reminding myself it will be okay because I'm back on 100 calories. I can see a difference in my appearance....I am noticeably bigger, but it's okay...I will get my weight back down. I will be 130. I will.

Because from my greatest failures have come my greatest weight losses. It was hitting 147 in January that spurred me down to 134 the last time. So I know its only a matter of time. Mentally I'm so over food. Like its really not an option for me to eat at this point because I'm so serious about getting my weight back down. In 2 weeks I can be well within the 130's again so I'm trying not to stress myself out too much about everything, but this situation is not pleasant and mark my words....THIS ISSSS THE LAST TIME I SEE THE 140'S. Theres no holding back this round...I'm pushing this time till I hit 130. I will hit 130.

One thing I have to change is the binges. Thats what gets me everytime because it causes me to balloon several pounds...but I always justify them saying that they are necessary in order to boost my metabolism back up...and that they are, but in an ideal situation I would simply eat a bowl of broccoli and a couple salads one day in order to boost my metabolism...not go insane on chips, cereal, and other crap food. That is what has to be different this time. I have to follow a strict plan that covers the metabolism issues and the 100 calorie days. A good strict month of dieting ought to do it for me. If I can develop an eating plan I can stick to that balances period of starvation with periods of forgiving metabolism boosts then I know I can be any weight I want to be. I lost sight of my goals to be sickeningly thin, but I have regained focus. I'm in it to win it.

= )

Weak

I'm on days three of my 100 calories+ jello. Omg I'm so tired and weak.

I've had four tests in the past couple days and 2 papers...one of which was 9 pages long. I did all this on around 400 calories.

I'm mentally and physically at my limit and even right now I'm supposed to be studying. If I can just make it to 10pm tonight(when my last class lets out) then I know I'll be ok.
I will say that cheating hasn't really been an issue this time around. It's like God has granted me the willpower to make it this time. I just have to keep going on this diet. I don't know how I'll do it, but I have to stay strong until next Thursday. Maybe then I can cheat a little, but not a binge for sure. I think I'll do ok this time because it will be hard to binge with my friend here with me ....she'll be with me at all times so she'll know if I am eating an embarrassing amount.


Anyways my intake today has been about 130 calories. I had toast and some jello.

Until next time.

The turn around and lightening up

This is going to be short. Basically after my last post I did the jello day and that entire day I was incredibly cranky. I mean like I was seriously on the verge of hurtign someone the entire day. I ended the day by cheating with a cup of cereal. I still consider my jello day to have been completed because it was after midnight when I had the cereal(I know thats worse). Anyways the next day I binged and I ate till it hurt to move....I then practically crawled to my room and purged up most of it. I burst soooooo many capillaries around my eyes it was embarrassing. The next day I woke up and just felt completely unmotivated and binged again....just never to the unmovable point. I knew I was going to go back on diet on Monday and like always I was dreading it and looking forward to it all at once. I've just been super discouraged because I'm steadily gaining weight and I'm not having enough 100 calorie days to counter these binges. Well it occurred to me that the reason I'm failing is because I'm having an all of nothing mentality. Like if I can't do my hundred calories then I'm just going to binge. Well I've got to lighten up. So yesterday I had my toast and then I allowed myself jello. I ended up having 200 calories total, but I wasn't cranky and I can tell I'm thinner today. I'm going to keep up this 100 calories+jello thing until Thursday and then I'm going to weigh myself. I want to see what I weigh on thursday, but I figure it will be 140-ish. From their I think i'll be motivated by my own weight loss and scale success to diet without the jello, but if not then thats okay too. I've just got to get well within the 130's before next Thursday because my friend is coming in for Spring Break and I want to be as thin as possible for when she gets here.

I will say that i feel extremely confident about my diet right now. Like I am feeling motivated and like I can handle this....I can't make any promises because I've been one failure after another i realize, but we'll see.

Here's some thinspo that's been inspiring me. Hopefully it'll help you all too!

Rock Bottom

The one good thing about rock bottom is that things can only get better once you hit it. The bad thing is that hitting rock bottom doesn't mean that you suddenly spring up from it....sometimes you stay down there for a while before you muster the strength to start climbing back up.

Well as you can probably assume I have fallen off the weight wagon. I'm at 143 and I'm extremely depressed and discouraged....I think for at least a few days I lost all faith in myself and I was comfort eating the pain away. Its ironic because the food is what brings this pain in the first place. Eating disorders are so complex. That's one of the hardest things I think for people dealing with one....its the fact that unless you've been here you can't possibly understand all the different emotions and thoughts surrounding the food. That's what adds to the depression because the person with the eating feels so misunderstood by others ...and frankly there is nothing more lonely and scary then feeling like no one understands what you're going through.

On that note I have to apologize for not being on blogger lately to comment/encourage any followers. I'm sorry! I know you all have struggles to and I feel bad I haven't been around to drop a word of encouragement. I just haven't been able to face blogger because I've been overwhelmed with guilt.

Yesterday I just hit that point where I'm sick of people looking at me not losing weight and I'm sick of not being thin and I'm sick of eating frankly. Theres nothing more satisfying then looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing progress...AND when you do eat again....food tastes sooo much better after you've been starving for days/weeks. Its like all the flavour is enhanced. I miss feeling weak and powerful all at the same time. It's a high like no other.

On a personal note....this week I had my birthday. Worst birthday in years... I know I've been unfriendly/cranky/rude to my friends lately, but i'm going through a rough period and I'm so depressed....But I guess they all decided to hold my quiet demeanour of late against me because none of them even said happy birthday to me. Let me also add that two of these people in particular I spent alot on for their birthdays and they didn't even take a second to say happy birthday??? I sent them cards, texted them, and wrote on their FB's, and bought them gifts! and they couldn't even say happy birthday to me??? I've never said anything cross to them....at my worst I've been quiet and simply kept to myself lately. I guess you learn who your real friends are. Well I learned I have none.

The crazy thing is...I don't care anymore if I have friends. I don't care if anyone likes me period. I just want to be skinny. I'm giving up on all my relationships and fully investing myself in this battle to be thin. The skinny beautiful girl doesn't have to be nice for people to want her anyways.

Well thats all for now.
I ate 100 calories yesterday, but today and for the rest of the weekend I'm only eating 20 calories of jello a day. I just want to power through the next few pounds.

Todays intake:

2 sugar free jello cups: 20 Cal

So...

I haven't posted in over a week. That is because my life has been all over the place. i'm so trapped by this 100 calories that I just CAN'T do anything else at this point. I'm miserable on it most of the time. I'm weak, I'm hungry, and I'm more prone to binge whenever my will power really falls through, but I can't help it. When I eat I feel ugly and weak and pathetic and average. Starving makes me feel as close to beautiful as i'll ever feel. But eating last week was an important thing because it made me realize that I do enjoy a purely vegetable diet at least as far as eating goes.
It also made me realize that I am never binging on anything but vegetables again. Also the next time I break down and eat it will be with broccoli and not chips, ect.

The problem is that over a week ago I was binge eating alot and instead of 100 calorie dieting the binge weight off quickly I just ate a 600-1000 calorie diet of vegetables so I was just sitting on all this weight i had gained through binging.

Anyways sunday night it hit me that I wanted to get this weight back under control and that I missed 100 calorie dieting...so I started this past Monday. I'm 140 today. I'm really unhappy about that but I've been doing the diet AND going to the gym regularly. I burned 250 calories on Monday and 300+ yesterday. So I'm burning alot more than I'm taking in.

The plan this time around is that I'm not quitting 100 calories until I hit 130. I'm not sure if my will power will last and I'm really sad that I have to starve through my birthday, but I was hoping this added exercise will help me drop the weight even more quickly than 1 lb a day.
I'm sooooo close to my goals. At least I've been so close to my goals. I was 14lbs away from being underweight and I gave in. Ever since then it's taken everything to get back to this level of commitment to the plan. I've just GOT to be 130 by NEXT weekend(I should hit it by 3/5 or sooner?)

We will see.

Also thanks so much for the encouraging comment, A! btw you're such a thinspiration after seeing your blog = )

A New Milestone

So this revelation has been a work in progress over the past couple months. I have been juggling the same few pounds for almost two months due to my binges and 100 calorie metabolism crashes.
Between the two my weight loss has come to a screeching halt. I 've been realizing that the only way I'm going to get back to losing weight and feeling good is to start doing my old diet of around 500 calories a day. I lost weight back then and I was satisfied and I didn't cheat ever for like 4 months! it was only after I started 100 calories did I ever have a cheat day. If I can just consistently eat 300-700 calories a day as a lifestyle then I can easily be 120 by mid April and just in time for summer-y weather.

I'll let you in on part of my motivation to knuckle down and start this.

--> http://www.skinnyvscurvy.com/hot-models/selita-ebanks-eat-one-week.html#more-32988

It's because I realize eating skinny is no longer my lifestyle. Starving is my lifestyle and binges are my weekends guilt trips. Neither is healthy and both are making me miserable. Models eat skinny all the time. They may have the occasional cheat, but there is no binging and gorging.
The thing is 100 calories has been my friend for so long. It's seen me through so many days and to so many milestones... so 100 calories still has a place in my life. I want to eat around 500-ish calories a day during the week and then 100 calories on Friday/Saturday/Sunday. Now I won't always be able to swing that, but in the past I was always able to lose a couple pounds during the week by eating 500 calories and then drop 2 or 3 more on the weekends when I would eat 100 calories. The thing is I'm not going to force 100 calories on myself. If I'm motivated and wanting to do it then yay! and I'll go for it, but if I feel hungrier and less motivated then I'll stick with 500 and not beat myself up over it. Also I'm going to be working out more now so I need the extra calories in order to effectively work out.

All in all I think this plan will allow me to not only lose this weight, but get into a weight maintenance routine. Right now I have no idea how to eat normal or what eating normally even consists of but this will allow me to slowly adjust back into normalcy.

It has been sooooooooo incredibly hard for me to reach this point and there have been sooooo many tears shed over this eating disorder, but if I am able to really stick to this then right now I'm kind of seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I just really hope I can stick to this. I want to see 120 and beyond and if I just stick to this then I know I can!

I don't know what I weigh today because I binged this weekend and so I'm avoiding the scale but pre-binge I was 136.

Wish me luck....I'll need it.

So PROUD of myself

Okay so I'm not 137 right now but I have amazing news! After I posted about the 100 calorie thing earlier today I got in the shower and was feeling superrrr shaky. Well i started thinking about what I could eat and it was all down hill from there. I did plan my intake a little though and planned on purging it. So I ate some instant potatoes with broccoli and a home made guacamole wrap! Well I ate them and purged, but I just didn't feel like I got it all out, but I weighed myself and I was 139....I was exhausted and burst some capillaries around my eye so I quit. Well later I went to class/the grocery store/and then came home. I bought stuff to make for this organic/non-processed food kick I'm starting. Well of course I ended up eating because once i eat in a day it's pretty much down hill. I ate like 5 blackberries, and 2 cups of broccoli with mashed chick-peas(hummus essentially). Well I then went to the gym and proceeded to work out for 1hr and burnt 350 calories.

I decided to weigh myself before I showered ...just because...I can't help myself. I told myself I expected to see 141. I weighed 138! How is it possible? I have no idea but i believe in exercise whole heartedly now!. Wowwww! Super exciting!

I ate and it didn't destroy my diet because I worked it off! Now of course I intend to go back on 100 calories tomorrow, but still. Amazing! I will be 130. I will!!

Same old story

I'm getting to the point where I'm simply exhausted of thinking about diet, weight, being skinny, ect. i'm just at the point where I'm un-phased by it all. I used to live for this stuff, but at least for right now I simply feel annoyed by it and resentful of the way society acts towards those subjects.
Well basically last Sunday I weighed 137 and I was starting to feel really thin again, but I just randomly got the idea that I could eat and maybe I could be normal again. I always start that conversation in my head and it never leads to anything good. The fact is I can't be normal. This eating disorder has consumed me and I won't be able to ever live without obsessing over my weight and my calorie intake. But regardless I started that whole mental conversation again and it resulted in a grocery run and a binge. On Monday I was supposed to go back on diet but the idea came to me again that I could eat normally and I started eating some broccoli in home-made guacamole. omg it was so good, but then I decided to look up the calories in an avocado. Okay I know the calories in almost any food so for me to not know the calories in that avocado is pretty insane, but once I saw I have eaten around 500 calories in that one meal I went on an all out frustration driven binge. It was ridiculous and discouraging. I did 100 calories the following day, 100 calories yesterday, and 100 calories today. You know what the crazy thing is? I didnt really think about what I was doing. I was just following a routine or procedure. Like I didn't have some big motivation fest before starting up the 100 calorie fast. This is odd to me because I know how i am and although 100 calories is a challenge at times it's usually only that way the first few days. I'm just so used to this way of life I guess that it simply came naturally?

It's been like 5 months that I've been living this way. Binge. Starve. Binge. Starve. Binge. Starve. Omg I'm so over it all.
I don't even care about weight right now....I'm just doing this all because it's how I deal with life apparently. At least being so unphased by this diet will allow me to stick to it long enough to make an impact on my weight this time. I swear this really be the last time I'm in the high 130's. I weigh 138 today so hopefully I will hit 137 tomorrow, followed by 135 on Sunday and 130 by the end of next week. I really feel certain I can hit my goal this time because I'm just into 100 calorie mode...or at least brain dead enough not to do anything different.

Oh well.

btw Katy Perry has come out saying she weighs 130 and she is 5'7/5'8. Now I realize half her weight is in her boobs and I have none(its all in my thighs), but even if I get down to 130 I don't think I will be remotely near what her body looks like. I was 134 a couple weeks ago and I was still so freakin fat!.

See you at 137.

Day 2 Accomplished

Day two can sometimes be the hardest day back on diet and let me tell you that today was extremely difficult, but I made it. I'm 138 this evening and I'll be 137 tomorrow morning. I haven't worked out the plan for once I hit 130 yet, but I think I'm aiming for 129 and then I'll try to eat normally for three or four days and simply maintain my weight and then continue on. It seems like the only way I get progress anymore is by accepting that I have to take 2 steps forward and one step back. I used to be continually stepping forward, but I can't do it like I used to. = (
It's just my acceptance of the sad deterioration of my former self.

I know this sounds creepy but I've started to identify myself as three people. There is the real Annie and she is fun loving and happy and she laughs a ton. Then there is Fanny....and she's fat. Sometimes Fanny is happy because she is able to eat and not care, but mainly she's depressed because her clothes are tight and everyone thinks she's ugly and fat. Then there is Anna. Anna is skinny and pretty but cranky and cold. Anna only cares about 1 thing and that weight loss. Anna snaps at people easily and is a poor student.

I really want to be simply Annie again, but I feel trapped by these caricatures of my extremes and my obsession.

See you at 137.

Starve, Eat, Sleep, Repeat

Everytime I have to come back and write that I binged I feel so ashamed. Its the post I always put off and dread having to face so I usually end up waiting till I'm a day in to the diet before I face up to everything.

So I pretty much count this week as a metabolism boosting gain but diet-self esteem crushing loss. I ate pretty much consistently since last Saturday night...that is until yesterday when my diet resumed. I haven't been able to look in the mirror because I've been afraid of what I would see, but when I finally did my reflection was pretty bad. My stomach is sticking out...I feel like I can barely see my hip bones...my thighs feel like they can't stop rubbing eachother....and then I decided to do the dreaded weigh in this morning and check the damage. I have always been able to eye my weight...like usually by looking in the mirror I can guess my weight spot on. I guessed that I weigh 143-145. I weighed 139. Wow. My metabolism boost had obviously leveled off the calorie intake, but I can't believe how little I know my own body these days! Like I was completely and totally off....which tells me that my perception of myself is totally and completely off and WRONG! I must not look like I think I do because there was a time when I felt thin at 139....and I remember thinking I was so skinny. Now I don't see it at all....at all.
That really scared me. I just feel reminded of how much this has affected my head. I know being like 5 pounds off doesn't seem like alot, but I've never been that wrong...I'm never even usually wrong. period.

Well its a good thing that I'm 139 rather than 145, but anyways....that means i'm shooting for 137 tomorrow. I know I can drop a good bit the first few days back on diet andddd I'm retaining so...yea.

I'm really struggling and I don't know why it's so hard to get myself back on diet, but it's crucial that I do right now before any more damage is done.

Wish me luck...I so hate being back at square one.

Long and Lonely Road

Lets recap.

On Saturday I weighed 134. I just maintained and I just had this gut feeling that was going to happen. I was really disappointed but determined to carry on with the diet regardless because I felt like it might just be water weight. Well I went to work and when I returned home I was 135....for NO reason. i was so annoyed....So annoyed. I had anticipated it though so I went downstairs to my kitchen and began to eat. It was so nice and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
The next day I decided to eat as well, but I was just going to eat around 1200 calories and the purpose was to boost my metabolism. Well I ate alot more than that, but still probably not more than 3500. I felt horrible though. Really fat and disgusting and depressed. I was desperate to get back on diet. The next day I started back, but for some strange reason....I wasn't in the game. I was resisting the diet. I know the first two days are the hardest so I don't know why an experienced dieter like myself was actually struggling. I cheated Monday night and I was at the lowest low. I also did the one thing you should never do during a binge. I weighed myself. i was 140. 140!!!!!!!!!!! I was 134 only two days before! I managed to gain a weeks worth of weight loss in 2 days! Its true weight gain too because I can see it everywhere. My arms are bigger...my legs are bigger...my stomachs definitely not where it was AT ALLLLL. Just extremely depressing.
I did my 100 calorie diet the following day(Tuesday...which was yesterday) and I felt soooooo depressed all day. I mean truly low. I felt dirty, embarrassed, ashamed, and like I was dead inside all in one. i couldn't do things like look at thin celebrities or anything I normally do because I was too ashamed.

I'm finally feeling slightly back to normal, but still this whole experience has been to traumatic because I was in my highest high of happiness and then it was immediately contrasted by almost my lowest low.

I weigh 139 today. I will say....It's nice to know that my horrible scary high weight is still within the 130's. Thats kind of comforting. I know I can take the next 9 pounds off. I know I can hit 130! If my body would cooperate with me and drop the weight as quickly as it normally has the I know I could hit any goal I set my mind to, but my metabolism is always the issue. Here's where I have some exciting news. I hate exercise, butttt I know it's the one thing standing between me and my dream body. Exercise is the next step in attaining the body I've always wanted. My Dad bought my entire family gym memberships! So I now have access to all kinds of equipment and a family full of people making sure I get my butt over there to use it. = ) So hopefully if I am working out for like an hour a day and doing my 100 calories then I can knock this weight off even quicker.


Well until tomorrow.

It's gonna be a good day! = )

Okay so I'm 134 today = ) yayyyyy!

I'm just going to keep on with the program till I hit that glorious 130 or 129....we'll see.

My sister comes home today and I haven't seen her in 3 years so I'm so excited about that. It will provide a great distraction from the stress of this diet.

Anyways....see you at 133!

So Happy I Could Die

Omg! It's a weight loss miracle! Usually at this stage in the starvation process each pound gets harder and harder to lose, but apparently not today! I got on the scales just to make sure I was still 136 before I went to bed(because I'm obsessed and insane like that) and it turns out that I'm 135!!!!! How in the world is it even possible!?!

I have no idea how I dropped 2 pounds in a day this far into my "fasting" but I did. Now usually whatever I weigh when I go to bed...I weigh exactly 1 pound less than by morning. I don't want to push my luck, but I could possibly weigh 134 tomorrow and that would essentially mean that I skipped a day in this weight loss process!
I know I've been much more active than usual this past week so maybe my metabolism is revved up from all the walking in the cold to my classes(I have a long walk from my parking garage) but I still wouldn't think it would mean anything this amazing!

We'll see what happens in the morning but I had to post about this miraculous event! I can't believe I'm only days away from my 1st major goal if 130! I'm almost at 130!!!!!!! I've never been 130 in my whole adult life!

Ughh in the words of Lady Gaga...So happy I could die!

Counting down the days!

Okay so I feel like most of my blog posts are written at a moment of frustration and are a form of venting for me, but today's post is pretty positive because everything is going the way it should in diet world. = )

I get mad when I feel temptation to eat because despite the fact that should be a completely normal response considering how little I eat....I just know that in the past I would do 100 calories for long periods of time and not even be tempted to cheat, but here lately I've been tempted. I haven't let myself but that doesn't take away this feeling of being disappointed in myself. Well any ways I'm not even tempted today. I'm focused and on track and so today...I am pretty happy.

I hit 136 today! Holla! haha I'm so happy about that. I just hope the daily pound loss lasts until 130. I know it's going to get harder to consistently drop a pound over the next week so I'm going to have to up the exercise! I think it's going to be okay though because the weight loss has mentally energized me! Like I'm so excited about hitting this goal that I think I can also find the motivation to move a little more. = )
I'm just going to try and stay on this streak until next Thursday now. I was going to stop when I hit 130, but I think it will be important for me to see 129. So that's the new goal and I can do this! We'll see.... = )

Okay so it feels repetitive to say my daily intake since it's obviously the same as always but anyways:

Toast: 100 calories

= 100


So hopefully next time I'm writing at 135!

137...

I hit a new all time low. 137. I'm weak, shaking, frail, and tired. I think my Mom is finally finally really worried. She hasn't blinked an eye in all the times I've told her about purging and starving, ect. but now she seems genuinely worried that maybe things are getting out of hand. I guess it's because I'm finally looking really thin. I can wear a 4/6 now and I was about a 6/8 two weeks ago. The funny things is I still don't feel thin....still dont! I see all the problem spots and none of the skinny. Anyways....I just have to make it through today and from here everything gets easier the rest of the week.

Oh and I almost forgot...

Total Calorie intake:

Toast: 100

= 100 :)

I may write tonight, but maybe not....It's going to be a long day.

The Impatience Problem

I am the most impatient person....I want things instantaneously and I get disappointed when unrealistic goals are not met.

I hit 138. Random....I wasn't expecting that but I stepped on the scale for probably the 100th time today and saw 138. Shock. Happiness. Pure Joy.

The problem is I am extremely hungry and totally ready to binge. Now I know that this is not what I TRULYYYY want, but regardless it's what I'm tempted to do and whenever this happens it makes me start thinking about how I let myself get to this point! I always do this to myself! I starve...I eat far less than most anorexics even and I plan on 1lb weight loss every day....and when I(an imperfect person) cannot meet those demands I put on myself I explode into binging maniac and nearly suicidal freak.

Why can't I eat 500 calories and just steadily lose the weight? I ask myself this alll the time, but the same arguments end up running through my head. Five hundred calories would be good if I wasn't so fat, but i'm so fat that i HAVE to get "such and such" amount off and THEN i can slow things down...I never end up reaching that point where I can slow things down...never. I was supposed to reach that point at 160...then at 150...then 140...and now I'm 138 and still feel no where near that point. Then I think well why not do it anyways. Then I start thinking about what I could eat with 500 calories and it doesn't seem like very much so I'm like "Why eat so few more calories and NOT lose a pound a day ...I might as well just hold on to my 100 calories as long as possible and get it over with." of course the hundred calories does work because it's gotten me this far, but oh dear heavens....to think of 1 more week of this. I have GOT to get better at purging or i'll never make it. NEVER.

I SERIOUSLY NEED TIPS FOR PURGING! I'm going to have to do it either way and maybe some better tips will help me not bust any more blood vessels in my freakin eye. ugh

To say I'm a little cranky from hunger would be an understatement right now.
I will stop taking it out on here....I just pray I don't binge tonight. Prayyyyy.

Moment by moment...

Thats how I have to take things....I just have to deal with this diet, the urges, the temptations, the setbacks, the ups, the downs...all moment by moment...or else I'm likely to fall apart.

You know what's crazy? I was 139 today. Not 143. Not 141. Not even my hopeful 140...No, I was 139! I was happy and I still am, but I just want to be so much further along. I want a binge to feel justified. I want to feel like it's ok because I've gotten to a safe enough weight.
I'm making a plan that I should be able to hit 130 by next Thursday. So you may be wondering if I'll actually be able to hold out til then. Well i am wondering the same thing because to be honest I'm tempted to binge even today. Granted...I've had a lot of down time today which leads to those kinds of thoughts, but here is why I think I'll be able to hold out until then.
I'm covering new ground this time! Seeing a new all time low has always been motivation for me throughout this diet, but I haven't hit a lot of new lows in recent months. = ( Actually 138 was the first new low since December....meh.

Anyways I at the very least will hit 135 by Saturday which is good enough for me for right now because that's 5 pounds less than the thinnest my co-workers have ever seen me.

Oh...I forgot to mention something about purging the other night during my binge. It was harder than usual and I burst blood vessels around my eyes....lovely! Also I've had a sore throat ever since. Also lovely. That scared me because it could have been much worse...like a burst blood vessel IN my eye.
I just don't have good blood circulation and I never have...and that being coupled with my lack of a gag reflex makes purging HARD.

Well anyways I'll update tomorrow. Hope everyone is doing splendidly on their diet. =)

So hard

So I'm just discouraged today because I did what I knew i shouldn't...weigh myself. I never weigh myself until 2 days after a binge because you have to wait for everything to balance back out. I know myself and seeing a high number can trigger a binge. Well before I got on I prepared myself by thinking worst case scenerio....143. Well i stepped on (btw another reason I shouldn't have gotten on andddd why I guess-timated 143 is because I have probably 2lbs of liquid in me...I just had had a bunch to drink) the scale and guess what! 143... = (. Well I went to the bathroom several more times and expected to step back on the scale seeing 142 at least, but no...still 143! The first time I saw 143 I was okay, but after having gotten rid of quite a bit of liquids and still seeing it...well I was devastated....and I instantly thought about binging...but decided no. I just need to wait it out until tomorrow and I'm hoping and guessing that i'll actually weigh 141. I think 141 sounds about right because I usually "gain" 2-3 pounds after a binge. If I actually weigh 141 I am ok with that number....but 143 for real would be crushing.

If I do weigh 141 tomorrow than I possibly have a chance at hitting 135 by the end of the month, but only that... ughhh
So frustrating. Soooooo frustrating.
I just want in the lower 130's, but I'll never get there without some serious hardcore dieting and recoup days...and NO binging.

Today I ate:

Toast: 100 calories

.................

So yea..I'm back on the plan. I just hope the plan is back with me.

I binged...

I hit 138 and I binged...how did this happen? Momentary insanity. I will tell you this...I got that need out of my system and I will be back for another week of dieting starting tomorrow. I just needed to confess...things aren't the same anymore. I used to binge for days and stay away from blogger in shame, but I refuse to hide from the fact that i screwed up. I did it and I'm going to make it right!

I purged half of it and I took exlax so hopefully i've covered myself somewhat. I'm going to go liquid crazy tomorrow and cleanse out this system. I have one week to get myself back on track.

Let's forget the mistakes and do this thing!

Progress should be daily

I didn't hit 138...idk why either! I did my diet exactly! I guess my metabolism did crash, but I was so upset about not seeing 138 this morning that I couldn't bring myself to follow through with the broccoli plan I had agreed upon...Eating like that would only make me feel worse. Instead I stuck to diet and ate my usual:

Toast: 100
Vegan link: 50
=150

I mean I guess I should drop the vegan link but thats the only thing keeping me from passing out! I'm exhausted non stop...if I eat any less I'll probably drop dead rather than drop weight.

I know the broccoli is inevitable, but I also know that eating it today feels wrong so i can't. I think maybe I'll do it tomorrow once I have it better planned out.
Here's how I think it will go:
1 cup of steamed broccoli every hour on the hour from the time I wake up till I go to bed for 2 days. Then resume my 100 calorie business. I think eating that consistently, but that little will be enough to boost my metabolism back up a bit. I don't think I should gain any weight because even if I have about 10 cups of it(which is what I'm figuring I'll have) then I'll still have only had 300 calories AND it's got no fat and only a few carbs...So really it may be better for me than my 100 calorie business. The sad thing is that I won't be able to weigh for two days(which makes me feel out of control) anddddd I will most likely feel fat. Very fat. Because anything outside of my safe zone(100 calorie diet) makes me feel like a heffer and therefore depressed.

So I'm thinking if by eating the broccoli I can boost my metabolism and maintain my weight(which will hopefully be 138 by tonight or tomorrow) then I can resume diet on Wednesday which gives me just enough time to hit 135 by my next work day....which meanssss I will be thinner by the next time my co-workers see me.

do I sound insane? I feel insane. I feel truly out of control and miserable. I just want to keep eating 100 calories and losing a pound a day and get this weight loss over with! My drive is not the problem right now...it's my body!! ughhhh

I'll probably update tonight...

Struggle

Okay so I followed my diet exactly like I had planned for today. I also worked which burned some calories I'm sure. Hopefully I'll see 138 tomorrow...I feel like I won't for some ridiculous unknown reason...I guess its because I never have before. I just keep feeling like this won't happen and that's a bad mindset to be in because if you don't believe it will happen then it won't.

I've just got to keep on trucking along with this diet and staying focused and I'll hit my dream weight and more.

My work has mirrors EVERYWHERE...of course because its a retail store...well anyways I always get depressed at work because I have to keep looking at myself in mirrors and feeling fat.

Another reason I've got to lose weight is because the last time so many people at work saw me I was juggling the same few pounds I've been running between(low 140's)....well anyways the next time I work is next Saturday and I want to blow people away with how much more thin I've gotten. I want people to take me seriously with this weight loss because no one will take you seriously when you are not losing weight...obviously. So I havvvvvvve to stay on diet this week. I've made it this many days then I can certainly make it a few more...I just worry that my metabolism won't agree. I guess I should step up my working out in order to compensate for how much it wants to slow down.

Well I'm off...I pray I hit 138 tomorrow....PRAY.

I'll never be going back...

So I hit 139. The difference between this time and the first time I hit 139 is that the first time 139 was the stopping point for that spurt, but right now it's the taking off point.

Idk why but I just have this sense that today is going to be hard. I've been on a fast basically for 6 days now and I just really have to have my guard up because I'm likely to stumble...not from lack of willpower, but lack of strength. Idk I guess at this point I'd rather pass out than jeopardize this diet....we'll see what happens. I am very week. There's no way this could really go on for 9 more days, but then again if it doesn't I'll be crushed and feel like a failure.

Today I'm going to eat the following:

Toast: 100
Vegan link: 50

= 150

We'll see what happens.... I shouldnt have any real trouble doing it because I'm used to this, but anyways...

You know what I did realize yesterday....I always talk about my weight in the most negative ways...like I don't celebrate my goal reaching moments rather I complain that its never enough. When I hit 147 the other week instead of being real about 7lbs
I played it down when I lost it...like that two of those pounds weren't real loss they were constipation. Why didn't I just celebrate losing 7lbs and shut up?

I know the base of this illness is self hate, but I have got to start thinking more positively. Got to.

Well anyways I'm off....I'll probably post later!

Today was scary

Okay so today started great with such motivation and enthusiasm for my diet, but one aspect I left out of the day was the fact that I woke up at 2am last night and couldnt go back to sleep alllllllll night. I just tossed and turned. This is one of the aspects of the 100 calorie diet i could do without. I hateeeee not being able to sleep. I've been taking sleeping pills for a while now and I guess they aren't phasing my system like they used to. I hate to overdose when i'm already empty because my Mom keeps freaking me out by warning me that being as empty as I am and taking more than recommended I could stop my heart. It scares me because my heart hurts sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. I'm telling you it's this gnawing god-awful pain all day long. It never lets up until I eat more. So after all that and my mom made cole slaw today which is a favourite of mine....I kind of wanted to eat, but I can't because I haveeeee to get well within the 130's before I let myself.

So I went to my room and started watching dieting/anorexia/bulimia things on YouTube. I always do this for thinspo...well I started watching this one Dr. Phil episode I had never watched before with twins and one was anorexic/bulimic...she was talking about heart pains and how it scared her and literally my heart was already hurting so bad and then the anxiety of hearing this girl say that....I nearly had some sort of panic attack and quickly turned it off. This heart business is troubling. It didn't use to scare me that much, but it's so intense that I do worry about it now.

Another upsetting thing about the day was that I had to order a bridesmaid dress for my friends wedding in April 2012. Why was this bad? According to my measurements I am between sizes and so i had to pick between the two. Now this shouldn't be a problem either way because by then I should be for sure at least 120, but here's the thing...the dress could only be taken in three sizes....so do I pick the larger one and not be able to take it in enough when I need to or do I take the smaller one and not be able to fit into it for some disastrous reason. What could happen in over a years time! I could suddenly gain a ton of weight...I could be 110 and not fit in any of it period...I could really embarrass myself come April 2012 regardless of which direction this goes. I just didn't need something counting on my weight like this. i already put myself under enough pressure as it is and now I have real reason to be stressed. I went with the smaller size because I said "I will be thinner and if i choose the bigger one that gives me more reason not to try".

I'm just frustrated because I realize how difficult its going to be to get these next 10 pounds off because I doubt they can come off in ten consecutive days and once we add eating into the mix thats a whole new battle...and besides that I won't even feel comfortable eating food till I see 135 and at that point I'll need to limit myself to the broccoli only diet that I decided upon...I just worry. I worry about doing it and I worry about not doing it. I'm stressed in every direction. I just want to drop this weight off now and have some cushion room. Like if I hit 130 and binged I wouldn't feel bad about seeing 133 or 135, but I CANNOT limbo around these 140's anymore. It's just been 5 days of 100-ish calories and thats enough to drive anyone a little loopy.

Adding to the stress is the fact that my sister comes home in 1 week exactly and I haven't seen her in nearly 3 yrs. Last time she saw me I was a heffer and I don't want to be chubby when she gets here...I want to be like 133. = (

Ughhhh idk... I'm like an emotional rollercoaster. My mind tells me to just let Ana do her thing and everything else will be fine, but my gut(obviously) is telling me this is heading towards a horrible crash if I don't eat now or work out some better diet.

Title change!

Okay so I changed the title of the blog ...for the third time! haha I just like to mix it up and that's one of my favourite lyrics.

I'm 140 today! Hoorah! I can't believe I was here two weeks ago and everything went wrong and it took an entire week to set it straight! Anyways it's exciting to think that this is the last day I will ever see 140-anything! The next time I weigh that much will be when I'm pregnant haha ...which btw I don't think I've ever mentioned this before but I'm OBSESSED with having kids. It's my greatest goal in life(I want 4 kids and I already have their names haha) and sometimes I worry because I haven't had a period in like 6 months...what if I do permanent damage and am unable to conceive in the future. :/ It's one of my biggest worries with this thing.
Anyways so yea I will never see 140 again...It occurred to me last night while I was planning things I could eat the next time I decide to binge that binging was never an option before. In fact the first time I did it I cried...now these are planned events! The whole thing made me realize thats whats screwing me up! The binges do so much damage that it takes so long to get back to the weight I was before the binge that by the time i get there I'm demotivated....especially due to the fact that after a binge I begin to realize again how much I love eating. So binges are out. OUTTTTT!
Even with purging. Like they may happen, but I'm no longer counting on them or planning them. I'm back in diet lifestyle mode where I'm eating to live and not living to eat. Mentally this is a hard place to reach so now that I'm here I need to milk it for all it's worth. That means that once my metabolism crashes and I'm not dropping 1lb a day even at 100 calories....I'm not going to binge. Rather I am going to eat 500 calories...I decided that a great way to boost my metabolism would be to take like 3 days and only eat broccoli. Broccoli is one of my favourite foods and its one of the best NON-starchy vegetables so it's perfectly good to eat large quantities of it. 1 cup has about 30 calories....so even if you ate 16 cups...you'd still be just under 500 calories. So yea...basically thats the plan! Plussss broccoli runs through you quickly haha So no days of staying constipated with a binge and no exlax abuse.

Here's the calorie intake for yesterday:
Toast: 100
Jello: 50
Vegan link: 50
Crystal light candies: 50
= 250

So I know that's alot more than I planned, but I had a mini crisis yesterday. While showering I realized I was extremely weak and I started shaking really bad. When I got out of the shower it was all I could do to make it down the stairs and eat some jello and a vegan sausage. Hence, the additional calories.

I felt bad about it, but I really couldn't help it....it was eat or pass out.

Anyways todays calorie intake:
Toast: 70
vegan links: 100
= 170

So I compromised my toast in order to have the protein in the vegan sausage because I know I needed that more. I know it's more calories than I intend, but I felt like it was necessary since yesterday freaked me out. Plus I thought I was going to work tonight and therefore burn off some calories, but they cut my shift. = (

Well thats all I plan on consuming today! I'm so happy everything is back on track!

Like I always say...I hope if you're reading this your dieting ventures are going just as well or better! = )

Cruise Control

Thats how I feel right now. Like "Ana" is doing all the work for me and I just have to sit back and watch the miracle happen! = )

I'm not thinking about it...I'm just doing and thats the place I feel best....PLUS I'm back in my comfort weight range. I weigh 141 and I actually feel like I might hit 140 by this evening! Just a feeling...maybe not, but all the better if I do. For now though I'm planning like I'll be 140 by tomorrow(rather than tonight) and so with that in mind here's how my dieting course looks - 139 by Saturday and 135 by Wednesday....concluding with 130 by NEXTTTT monday(1/31)!
Thats right! I've decided to shoot for the big goal! I still think I can do it! my motivation is super high and I think once I start seeing those 130's its only going to double. So I'm super pumped!
I can't imagine how good I'll look when I get to 135 even let alone 130!

Its like I'm finally realizing that I'm right here...just days away from my dream weight that I thought would never happen, but it's here! just 11 days away!

Now I do have to consider the fact that as my weight goes down and the 100 calorie diet progresses my ability to drop a pound a day always decreases, but I think the daily pound should be able to last 11 more days. After all I once dropped 10 pounds in 10 days and this is only stretching that luck about 4 extra days or so.

Today I've eaten:

Toast: 100 cal.

= 100!


= )

I might have a little jello, but that would be it. So we'll see! I am planning on 150 calories tops!


I might report back tonight! I'm so happy to be back and on track! Hope everyones diets are going just as well.

Hmmmmm

I'm finally really back. I was in a bookstore and I saw pastries on a rack...a week ago I would have at least wanted them, but I didn't ....I want weightloss more. That hasn't really been the case in basically two months. I'm back mentally and that's encouraging. Also encouraging is my mind is thinking about the 130's...like everytime I've gotten in the low 140's before I've felt complacent and satisfied that this was sort of good enough for the moment, but I don't feel that way at allllll anymore....today at least. I think I just might hit 130....I just might.

But regardless...I'm riding this weight loss wave till it crashes.

Intake:

toast: 100
vegan link: 50
Jello/crystal light candies:50
= 200

Calories might be up...but so is motivation so i don't feel guilty. Ana doesn't feel guilty so thats what counts!

Morning jump start

I weigh 142 this morning. At a 1lb daily loss from this point I could potentially still hit my 130 goal by the end of the month! Now I will say that I highly DOUBT that happens because my will power probably isn't strong enough for that nor could I sustain 1lb loss every single day for almost 2 more weeks. At some point my metabolism always crashes on this diet, buttttt all that being said. I could weigh 135 in a week and that would totally be do-able. I don't know ...we'll see. I know the last 2 times I've hit a goal mark like 150 or 140 it's been through an extreme boost in motivation based off a crazy goal and my 100 calorie diet. So maybe it's not that ludicrous that I hit 130.

We'll see....if I can even get myself out of the 140's once and for all then I'll start thinking about my strategies for the rest.

I think my motivation for this diet this time stems from how upsetting it was to hit 147. I think it was a wake up call that I HAVE to take this seriously. Because before I had gone up and down between 140 and 144 and seeing those numbers didnt shock me into action, but seeing 147 literally scared the crap out of me.

I will say I HATEEEEEE forced dieting....like dieting when it's because you have to get actual fat off and not "I just want to hit a new goal!" dieting. Idk if that makes sense, but before I had always been dieting to new low weights and the past couple months everytime I've been starving it's been to take off the same few pounds I keep putting on. It makes it not exciting to look at the scale and it makes it very weary-ing(haha thats not a word but I'll use it)

Today I plan on eating:

Toast: 100
Vegan link: 50 (because I need the protein)
Jello: 30
=180 calories

We'll see how it goes, but in reality thats all I think I'll eat.

I may post again today simply because it helps me stay motivated. :/

This is HARRRD!

Im so cranky today and I know it's because I'm so hungry. I definitely used to get snippy when I was doing 100 calories, but I think it's worse today because I'm just not used to it. I'm so in the habit of eating that its really hard to get out of that mindset....so it's like I'm arguing in my mind all day against my desires and then I just snap at anyone who comes along. = (

Anyways I've stayed on track.

I ate:

Toast: 100
Jello: 60

= 160 calories

It's just such a struggle. Like I was super motivated when I woke up....and then I thought about binging....then I was super motivated and then my Mom and I went grocery shopping and I got soooo irritated looking at the food.
Anyways I just want to go to bed but I have to go to a class. A class I hate btw....

I weigh 144 today so thats encouraging, but my will power is just not where I want it to be right now.
I will say though that if I break this dieting streak before I hit 137/138 I think it will be enough to reallllllly kill me in my dieting endeavours. I seriously have lost+gained these same few pounds over and over for months! I'm sick of seeing these numbers! I want to be at a new point! 139 is the lowest I've gotten so I HAVE to see 138 at leasttttt before I can take a day break. In reality I think I'll need to hit 135 before it's safe to binge, but I'm planning this binge carefully. I think purging will also be necessary on that day. Anyways we'll see.


Evie: thanks so much for the kind words! believe me I need to exercise...I'm all fat and nooooo muscle. It's really unattractive! The thing about your diet is that you stick to your plans! I'm always falling off and then having to recover from the binges! Anyways I look forward to a blog soon!

Feelin alive!

Okay so I know I already updated you all today, but I wanted to come back and say that I HAVE MY DIETING GROOVE BACK! haha sorry...that was obnoxious, but I'm so happy.

Like mentally I can tell that my motivation has kicked back into place because I've figured out my new dieting strategy and it wasn't hard to follow!

I ate:

Toast: 100 calories
Jello: 80 calories

= 180 calories for the day.

Okay so I know that those last 80 calories were not in the plan, but i've realized that if I let myself have unlimited sugar-free jello that I am able to ward off other types of temptations and I don't feel guilty about the jello. That normally is the problem....the guilt factor. Because the guilt factor is what leads to binges.

I'm willing to give into some jello if it helps keeps me going on my diet for the long haul.

I took 1 exlax pill tonight to help shift some "stuff" out of me and get this weight loss going, but we'll see what happens.
I'm aiming for like 141 by Friday....I don't know if I'll be able to do it, but we'll see. If i can hit 138 by next Monday I'll have a serious blogger celebration.

I just wanted to share that news because its made all the difference in my day. = )

Crash and burn

Okay first off I would like to apologize for being no encouragement to anyone that reads this blog. I'm a failure in so many ways, but I refuse to let the mistakes of the past discourage me to this point any more.

This week has been hell. Literally. Like I wanted to die at one point.

You know how I said I don't log onto blogger when I'm failing at my diet because I get too upset and discouraged? Well its been like 10 days since I logged on. Thats been basically 10 days of binging. Even though the 8th was the last day I was on track with dieting it feels like yearssssss ago. I feel sooooo far from success or decency.

Basically the 8th was a bad day for me. I came home from work mad about a number of things and when I stepped on the scale expecting to see 139 I instead saw 141. Now I know that 141 was not my true weight because I weighed 140 that morning and so it had to be water retention or something, but I blew up and ran to the kitchen where I began a massive binge which pretty much continued the whole weekend. Monday I did 100 calories and THOUGHT I was getting back on track but NO....Because on tuesday I possibly ate 5000+ calories. I ate so much I literally cried. I didn't purge either. Idk why....I just couldn't do it. Didn't want to really.

I kept telling myself I would do 100 calories and I kept not doing it. Some days I would make it the whole day and then right before bed I would binge. It's like I had given up and resigned myself to being fat, but I've had it. Yes, I'm still really wanting to go binge right now and I don't know why I can't get control of those wants, but at least I'm not indulging myself in them.

I weighed myself this morning. I weigh 147. Now I'm going to be completely and brutally gross so just skip this next bit if you want, but I feel like at least part of that is weight that I will lose in the toilet. Sorry, but it's true. After eating everything in site for days I'm definitely backed up because my system is just not used to it.

I MISSSSS feeling skinny. I miss looking at myself in the mirror and feeling good. I miss weigh ins that left me happy. I miss feeling skinny in my clothes. I miss SUCCESS!!

100 calorie days are the only thing I can seem to stick to so that is what I am going to do. When I eat 100 calories my skin is clear and I feel like I'm being good and i feel success is within reach, but when I don't I'm extremely depressed.
I told my friend who also has an eating disorder that when i eat...I feel like I've let the world down. Really this has been an eye opening revelation for me because I hadn't thought about it so simply before, but really I feel like I've let down my family, my friends, blogger readers, and most importantly myself.

Another revelation i've had over this week is that I don't remember how to eat normally and I can't do it on my own. Like yesterday I started the day with the intention of eating about 1200 calories and by lunch time i had started an all out binge and was in tears. Whenever I start eating normally I end up binging.

Another thing that happened this week was that I confessed to my Mom my issues with food. I told her about purging, dieting, my feelings about everything and she encouraged me to talk to my doctor, but I don't think she really got the intensity of the problem. She's supportive of me regardless and thats what matters most.

I'm back on 100 calories and you better believe I'm sticking to it. I feel like it will take around 4 days to hit 140 again. This is going to be EXTREMELYYYYYYY difficult. Like I'm so in binge mode even now that it's really going to take ALOT of thinspo and ALOT of motivation to stick to this, but if I can just get to 140 I think I will be back on track.

120 was my goal for March 2nd(my birthday) and I could still POSSIBLY hit that, but in all likelihood I'll be like 127 by then.

Anyways I'm supposed to do 100(or 150) until next Monday and then I am going to change it up some how, but for now that is the plan.

And to Evie: thank you so much for always being so encouraging. I'm sorry I haven't been the same for you. :/
While the 100 calorie diet obviously works and I am doing it....Just be careful because I think honestly thats where this ED started controlling me instead of the other way around. It was kind of like the double edged sword in my weight loss. On the one hand I dropped weight superrrrr fast, but on the other hand it was after I started it that I even began binging. If you can actually eat a healthy diet(it sounds like you do) than you will be sooooo much happier than this. I wish I could eat a well balanced diet...but like I said it always turns into a binge.

Long time no see

I've said before that if I ever don't post it's because i'm not dieting and I'm too ashamed to even look at blogger. Well I pretty much failed dieting over the holidays. I may have even binged right after my last post in December, but anyways I'm somewhat back.

Basically I maintained 144 over the holidays which is actually good considering the fact that it was the holidays AND I stayed with a friend for a week...but you know how it goes. Obviously I'm annoyed at myself for not losing. I feel like I've been this weight forever now!

So yesterday my 100 calorie diet re-commenced and today I am 142. I stuck to the diet today also so I'm hoping to see 141 tomorrow and 139 by Monday. Omg how many times have those exact words come out of my mouth. I've been juggling these same 5 pounds forever!

It's just really hard....I'm sooooo tempted that I'm afraid I wont be able to hold out until Monday to even hit the 130's. I just realllllllllly need to get beyond 139. If I can do that then I will be covering new ground and motivation will increase, but it's really hard to motivate yourself to lose the same couple pounds you've already gained and lost 5x's!

I just foresee a really hard week ahead of me with this diet. Even if all goes according to plan I still won't be 135 until next Friday. I don't know how I'll do this, but it's got to be done and like now! I'm miserable with my body right now! I'm a whale! Aside from this diet my self esteem has never been lower. I just have been really depressed purely because I feel hideous looking. No amount of skinny will cure my ugly, but hopefully it will help.

I don't know why the last 20 pounds is proving to be so hard, but I told my Mom today "This diet is like a marathon and even if I ran 22 miles...who cares??.. because you didn't finish the marathon!" and that really sums it up. Yea i'm much thinner, but if I don't get to 120 why does it even matter.

But anyways all this is why I haven't been posting or checking blogs. Sorry