= )

I saw the therapist Monday. It was weird because I had in my mind what things would look like and how the therapist would act and when I actually got there I was almost in a state of shock as to how different things were from what I imagined.
I pictured like a nice office and a waiting room with some couches and plush chairs...and a therapist that was super warm/friendly. The reality is that the "office: is basically in a dilapidated old trailer. = ( I walked in to a tiny dark, dingy room full of crazy people...literally. It was gross and the people were so odd that I literally considered just getting up and leaving, but I decided to give the therapist a try at least because I was in such bad shape.

When I finally went back to her office to meet her I just answered all her preliminary questions and such she had to do for new patients. The office completely transforms when you get past the waiting room and it's actually quite nice. It took nearly an hour to do all the initial paperwork, but it gave us an idea about each other. She seems nice, but she is very stand-offish. I felt like she was looking at me several times like I was weird, but then again I'm crazy paranoid so who knows.
I have alot of hope that this will really help. = )

Yesterday I relapsed a little and had a 500 calorie day out of desperation and insecurity, but today I went to the gym and I've eaten really healthy. This should end up being a 1200 calorie day. = )

I want to thank you all for the continued support you all show me! I really appreciate it! I never knew things would spiral out like they have, but I have faith that they will get better.

Detached

I'm not sure how long its been since I've written...Seems like quite a while.
I'm just going to warn you that this post is completely uninteresting and you do not need to read it. I'm just trying to write down my thoughts as some therapy.

I've seen the doctor once since that one embarrassing visit. I see a therapist tomorrow and I'm starting anti-depressants. I've got to be honest...the only reason I'm not dead right now is because I have no easy suicide option. All of them could potentially turn into bigger messes than simply living this misery. Also I'm so mentally and physically depressed that I can't even conjure up the energy to do it. Last week I had requested off the whole week thinking that it would help me to get away from the store, but by the time I realized that was a bad idea it was too late. After coming in from work last Monday morning I literally didn't leave my house till Friday to pick up a paycheck. I didn't talk to anyone in my family. I stayed in my room for days simply laying in bed....for days.
It's almost a blur now. During that time I googled quite a bit about my problems and the best I can come up with is that I'm suffering from alot of social anxiety/general anxiety probably brought on from the eating disorder...which also sent me into a bout of major depression.
I hate myself....I'm constantly telling myself how ugly fat and disgusting I am. I nearly had several panic attacks this week simply from having to see my own disgusting body. All this self hate has also taken it's toll on my feeling towards my family. I hate them right now. All of them...and I don't know why. I find myself wanting to be mean to them too...so that maybe they feel as miserable as I do. I don't know why I'm so angry...I am hopeful that the psychiatrist can help me work that out.
I've also cut off all my "friends"... I'm angry at them also for never thinking about me or bothering to inquire about my life. None of them know about this issue. None of them ever bothered to find out.

So I'm completely alone. I have separated myself from any and everyone in my life. Frankly, it's just the last step because I think I cut myself off from myself many months ago. I don't even know who I am anymore.

As hopeful as I am about tomorrow...a one hour session isn't going to do anything. I feel it would take a week of constant therapy to even touch the surface of this.
It's as if I was in an wreck and I'm bleeding with near fatal injuries and someone is going to dab my wounds tomorrow with a tissue.

I'm sorry I'm not keeping up with anyone right now...It's just a bad time.