Pizza

Last week was a really hard week at work and on my diet. I was doing more physical labor for work so that was challenging and on top of that I was working out of town with limited food options. I went off diet slightly throughout the week, but I figured that was okay due to the increased activity. I was trying to use laxatives, but they weren’t really working that well. I continued to hover around 152, but I was getting so frustrated. I wanted to cheat soooo bad. I seriously considered cheating on Friday when my entire office had a pizza party. That’s all I’ve been wanting too – pizza. It’s literally been consuming my every thought. Well Saturday cam and the weekends seem to be hard because there’s zero accountability and there’s nothing pressing for me to do to take food off my mind. After many hours of debating to cheat or not cheat… I cheated. I decided to compromise and postmate the low carb cheesecake from cheesecake factory, but after I got it I realized they accidentally gave me ice cream too…. NOT low carb. I ate it and its like I couldn’t stop. I then ordered a small cheese pizza from Papa Johns and devoured the entire thing. I continued eating other things I had in the house that WERE low carb/low calorie throughout the rest of the evening but in excess. I ended up consuming 2,500 calories. I weighed in that night at 154. The next day wans’t much better. Yes, I generally stuck to my diet and didn’t order out, but I ate wayyyy more than I should of an ended up having a 1,200 calorie day. I haven’t been able to use the bathroom properly since and therefore I’m 157 as of last night, but I have a feeling that really all bloat, bowels, and water weight from the carbs. Yesterday I ate around 550 calories and exercised about 270 calories off. I feel like I’m spiraling. It’s weird because the way I feel today is so telling of where I am ED wise. Back in the spring when I was dieting hardcore I didn’t feel too ashamed of my eating when I gave up the diet, but this time around it’s different. And wouldn’t you know today of all days my department decides to take a group photo. It was actually this phot that drove me to write this post. It was my wake-up call that I cannot give this up. I’m around 12-13lbs from a real milestone moment and I know I can do this. I just have to stay on top of this diet and fully commit to winning this battle. I know once I hit the 140’s I will have new motivation and new hope. I can do this. I just have to remember to stay focused and leave this weekend in the past where it belongs. I have to up my game. I will commit to not eating after 5pm. I will commit to walking at least 3 miles a day. I will commit to getting up each morning and doing my mat exercises. I have 28 days to get to 140. I had hoped to be in the 130’s by Halloween and maybe that’s still a possibility, but at the very least I have to be 140 by the time I go home to see my family. I have to show everyone I’m not a total loser and I do have self-control. This weekend was a slip up, but maybe I needed it to get re-focused.

Binging

So Im not sure you can technically call this a binge since it was around 600 calories, but I went nuts today. I will say I burned 100 calories through exercise so I guess I could say I netted at 500 cal. I ate: 3 veggie dogs: 150 cal Three wraps: 180 cal Yogurt ranch: 60 cal 5 Jellos: 55 Miracle Rice - 2 packs: 0 cal Black Bean Dip: 40 cal Goat Cheese: 50 cal Fat Free Reddiwhip: 70 cal(guessing generously) I was just bored, depressed, and honestly hungry. I just feel like I need an extra large pizza and I need to eat the entire thing. My period is about to start and I think the cravings have to do with it I will say watching mukbangs helped a little bit. But I just reallllllly want pizza. The weekends have been the hardest any ways because I'm alone, sad, and bored. Anyways - tomorrow I'll be back to 200 calories tomorrow.

Remembering the Past

I wanted to add some more motivational pics from two years ago. I was trying dresses for my sisters wedding. I could never just casually take a picture like that now. I want even my thinnest here. I was like 130.

Steady as She Goes

So I'm 152 today. I'm really shocked that I haven't hit 151... or even 150. Im sticking to my diet - and actually the only real difference between my dieting now and in 2010 is that Im watching my carbs too. So if anything I should be losing faster. Whatever - weight loss is weight loss. I will say last fall I was about 147ish on the regular. I was watching what I ate more and my diet was very regular. The thing is I had a lot of clothes that I wore for work that I really liked and I used to think I was really pretty in them. Unfortunately since Ive been gaining and gaining I stopped being able to wear them. I tried to put them on yesterday and they fit! I was pushing to fit into them by Monday because I have a three day assignment for work that will require me to wear those outfits so Im relieved about that. I've been trying to plan when I will start to alter the diet - as in add in more calories or relax a bit. I don't really know whats best. I know I won't feel 100% comfortable doing it until I hit my goal weight, but given that the likelihood of me being at goal is a month or two away and I can't sustain this limited diet that long - I need to be calculated. I am hoping that I can be 145 by the end of the month. That gives me 12 days to lose 7lbs. Which I think is totally doable. Also October is the month my friend is visiting so I think if I plan to be 145 by EOM then I can be 140 easily by the time he actually arrives in mid October. I think I will give myself a huge cheat meal on October 1st. It's a Saturday and I think if I can hit maybe 144 by the I will be safe of my cheat meal not taking me out of the 140's. Thats really all I'm concerned about. This cheat can't put me back where I am now. I don't know if I can cheat though. It will be pushing on two months at that point and it gets harder to let go the longer you're in this. All I know is I thought long and hard about ordering a large extra cheese pizza last night and I just knew I couldn't because I wouldn't fit in anything and also with my hair being so short I can afford to have a bloated carb face. All I know is I have got to find a constructive planned cheat or I will break entirely and I can't do that either. I found an old picture in my blog that I posted in October 2010. I was like 139 in the photo. I looked so thin! It was awesome! I need to find all my old pictures and hang them around this apartment. That would provide some good motivation. Btw despite my recent use of laxatives... I still look bloated. I think its a combination of pre-period bloat and that miracle rice. I should be starting my period in the next couple days and I know you're always heaviest right before your period so I wonder if that has anything to do with it. Anyways Im off to run some errands and get some exercise. It's a nice cool day so it should be pleasant. Bye!

Fresh Beginning

So I weighed in at 153lb today following my laxative use. I still think thats not even all of it. I think I'm probably 152 just based on how much liquid I had prior to weighing. After I wrote last night I did have this coconut flour cake I like to make because coconut flour has a lot of fiber and generally makes me go to the bathroom naturally. I just began to worry that since the laxatives from the day before hadn't worked that maybe this wouldn't work either, but whether it was the laxatives or the coconut flour - something worked. Btw this coconut flour cake is really good if you want a low calorie dessert. Its not like a real cake whatsoever and its much better if you have some sort of sauce or something to put with it but nevertheless its something sweet that also has digestion benefits and is low carb. Cake: 2 TBSP Coconut Flour 2 TBSP Hersheys Special Dark Cocoa powder couple drops of vanilla extract and almond extract Unsweetened Almond milk until you get the texture you want All in all, its around 80 calories and fairly satisfying. In other news - I chopped my hair off. Its now above my shoulders. Ive been telling myself for ages that if i lost weight and got back down to 130ish I would cut my hair short. I didn't want to cut it when I was heavier because it would make me look fat, but as the alternative I wear my hair in a messy bun everyday. That's such a waste. Also it's not all that flattering in and of itself. I'm starting to look a lot better so I felt like why not. If anything - knowing my hair is short and I can't change it is motivation to stick to this. I actually really like it. I don't think I'll hit my goal of being in the 140's by Monday, but I think I'm going to go walking in a bit and I'll see what I can do!

TMI

So I weighed in at 157 this morning. lol I just have to laugh because this is ridiculous. I literally have eaten 200 calories consistently for days and the scale isn't going down. I don't feel sad though because I know why. This Miracle Rice I eat is very dense and heavy. I've been eating bags of that stuff like crazy this week. It has no calories and its pretty filling considering is pretty much 100% soluble fiber. So I've had barely anyyyy bowel movement this week but food and drink just keeps going in. So tonight when I got home I weighed in at 155, but I have a feeling that was mostly liquid weight. So I took 4 laxatives in the hope that will completely empty my system by morning. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if I weighed in at like 151 once this stuff moves. I can tell I look much thinner but my stomach has distended from the bloat. Anyways I think I would normally feel really discouraged because I really count on seeing that number but at this point I've been so good on my diet - I know the only thing this can be is the constipation. Plus I feel like there is a grand unveiling on the way. Hopefully that unveiling happens tomorrow. I stuck to 200 calories today and based on the exercise I did I had a calorie deficit of like 20 calories. Night

This is ridiculous

I've been trying to write something for over an hour and I just don't know what to say. I'm still sticking to the diet. I ate around 230 calories today. I weighed in at 155 this morning. Tonight I weighed myself when I got in from work and I was 156. I'm not going to the bathroom! I'm very bloated... i can see it and feel it. On top of that - my hormones are all out of whack so Im very positive I'm retaining water. Also In the last two days I broke out like crazy. I literally have not had over 15 grams of sugar in like 5 weeks. And thats being generous because in the last two weeks I'm averaging 2 grams of sugar a day. I took a laxative tonight and I just hope things are better on the scale in the morning. I was reading some old posts yesterday and I had no idea how many laxatives I used to take! I literally took 25 one night!! Like WTH! Was I trying to kill myself? I think if I can just focus on flushing out my system this over the next couple days then I should definitely be 149 by Sunday because I haven't wavered. I feel like I can stay rock solid on this diet till at least the end of the month. I'm just hoping that if I can stick this out to the end of the month that I can have one big cheat day and then restart. If I lose around a pound a day till October 1st- that will put me right at 139lbs. I think it would be safe to have a cheat day at that weight. That would be a real accomplishment because I haven't been in the 130's for exactly 2yrs as of this fall. I'm going to win this guys.... I really feel it and I really believe it. I have all the tools and the motivation is here. See you at 153.

Low in the Worst Way

Today was not a great day. I weighed in at 154 - which is great. A coworker also told me I looked really skinny - without knowing about my diet - also good. But whenever I start starving like this, it's not long before I'm pretty depressed. I just feel mentally and physically exhausted. Getting up the stairs today felt like too much. I just neeeed to get the next 14lbs off and then I can be more reasonable. I know this means at least a month more of 200 calorie days. I managed to stay at 200 calories again today ... I think I'm satisfied right now hunger wise. I mean if you told me I could eat a pizza with no consequence right now - I would Hoover it, but all things considered I actually enjoy my "safe" foods. I was just discouraged because when I got home tonight I weighed myself and my stomach looked bloated. I weighed in at 155. I obviously know that's not true considering I hadn't eaten in over 12 hrs at this time, but it's just annoying. I neeeed scale validation. When you starving yourself, feeling faint all day, and weak AF... You need something to keep you going. I mean my hands were blue today. I'm sure from decreased blow flow due to starvation. I better see 153 tomorrow but I fear that I won't. Clearly I'm holding some water weight and need to shift some things. Worst of all my face is really broken out and idk why. It's surely not from carbs and sugar. I'm just going to pray I see some progress in the morning. Night.

Going Down

Today was a success. I managed to eat only 204 calories and if I include my light exercise today than I netted out at around 40 calories. Work has been kind of stressful here lately and I find myself staying really late, but thats kind of worked to my advantage on the diet front. When I'm at work I'm less focused on eating and I'm busy so I don't notice the hunger. Case in point, yesterday I left work on time and when I got home I felt sooooooo hungry. I ended up eating just under 500 calories for the day. Which isn't terrible, but way more than I normally eat. I can guarantee that I wasn't tally any more hungry than normal... I just wasn't distracted and therefore I noticed the hunger. I ended up eating three bags of Miracle Rice last night. If you struggle with dieting or an ED... you need to know about Miracle Rice and Miracle Noodles. It's just variation of Skirataki noodles. They are made from some kind of yam flour I believe. They are not a gimmick "low calorie", but filled with chemicals kind of deal - they actually are quite healthy and natural. The great thing about them is that most variations have ZERO calories while others have 15 at most. The Miracle Rice brand I get has zero calories and 1 carb in the entire bag. Like I was saying - I ate three bags last night. In total it amounted to just over 100 calories with the sauce I put on...crazy right?! So it didn't hurt my weight loss goals, but it did leave me rather full. The only downside of that is that by this morning - all those "noodles" were still there. So I weighed in at 156. I knew I wasn't really 156, but I also knew I needed to shift some water weight and finally have bowel movement for the first time in a while. Luckily I was able to empt out my system do to not eating all day and when I got home from work I was 154. A new milestone! It's hard to believe that I'm celebrating 154 when a couple years ago I prided myself in the fact that I hadn't been over 149 in years and would never get there again. But a victory is a victory. I didn't really have a scale that first week of the diet so I can never really know where I started, but if I go from the first number i saw on the scale(166 lbs) then I'm 12 lbs down. My coworkers are starting to notice I look different even though I know they can't tell why I look different yet. Its so funny too because I had literally just written on here the day before saying it had been so long since anyone complimented me and the next day I get two compliments. My manager said my lipstick was really pretty - I wear the same lipstick almost everyday. I think she just noticed I looked nice and couldn't place exactly why. Later that afternoon my coworkers said my hair looked really good - now this HAD to be weight related because I just had it in the SAME messy bun I wear EVERYYYYYY DAY. lol But seriously, my hair is always in a messy bun. I think it's just that my face is thinner now and therefore the bun looks better. I'm still shooting to see 149lbs on Sunday. It's a real stretch and I have no idea if I can do it, but it would be awesome going into the next week at a new milestone. Just wish me luck.

Cheating

Today was much harder than I anticipated. Today is also the reason I've been avoiding getting my calories too low. As you know I've been eating between 200-300 calories a day this week. Well I feel nervous that this is going to backfire if I'm not careful because today I ate really close to ordering food. I really have to blame the convenience of food delivery for my weight gain. I feel like if i was in a restaurant I would never order the amount of food I was eating on a regular basis this past summer. It just became really easy to not leave my apartment on the weekends and order multiple HIGH calorie meals all weekend and gorge myself. I was doing it almost every weekend. First of all, it was starting to get way too expensive and my credit card bill was getting ridiculous. Second, I had zero accountability - no one could see me eating that and therefore it was like my secret sin. I would order a burger, fries, onion rings, and cheesecake and just hide in my apartment eating to comfort myself. It felt like when someone brought me food that someone was taking care of me or I was safe. It was comforting. But ultimately - its ruined me. Anyways today I just found myself really wanting to order a burger and fries and cheesecake. I started googling extensively about what this might do to my ketosis and how much weight I might gain from a cheat day. But then I started to think about things like my skin. My skin has been flawless the past three weeks. Like literally almost powerless. I know its from the combination of starving and not eating carbs. Also, idk if it's the ketosis or it's the fact that I've shrunk my stomach, but I'm not super hungry despite how little I'm eating. I know they say thats a side effect of ketosis. Thankfully, thinking through all of the potential consequences and the fact that this one weight calculator says i'm still "marginally over weight," I decided I better not and thought of an alternative I could eat to satiate the desire. I weighed in at exactly 155 today. I tried to see if I could pee out a couple ounces to get into the 154 range, but it wasn't happening. I'm really swollen too today which I think has something to do with things. So far today I've eaten 200 calories. I need to go out and exercise a bit and hopefully I can erase my intake for the day. I realllllllyyyy need to be in the 140's by next weekend. If I can be 149 by next sunday that would be amazing. I have to wear certain outfits on the 19-21st of this month and I'm really worried about them not fitting. Thats another reason I really felt like I couldn't afford a set back. I feel like they will fit if I get to the upper 140's. My goal is that hopefully I can be 140 or in the upper 130's by early October. This will put me in an excellent position for when my friend visits. Also, I just can't wait to see how my coworkers react to me being thin. They've never seen me super thin. I've always been chunky since I started - always in the high 140's. I really start to look good in the 130's. I tried on that size four mini skirt on Friday and I could get it up and button it finally but it was tighttttttttttt. Like TIGHT. Definitely not suitable for public unless i wanted to be arrested for public indecency. That thing used to hang off me. It was sooooooo loose.

Above is an image of me at one of my thinnest weights. This is what I want to be again. I was tiny and I had no worries about how should dress everyday. Everything looked good on me. People were constantly telling me how good I looked. Do you know how long it's been since I've been called pretty or hot or skinny. I know no one at work believes i'm going to succeed at this diet because I was on a major diet before and I failed. I have to do it this time or I'm a fraud. Here's to being thing again.

155

Tbh I haven't even reviews my last post to see where I left you all. I know it has been a couple weeks since I journaled and I know what wasn't making any progress when I last wrote. This diet has been superrrrrr annoying but I'm finally seeing some results. I also think the fact that I've been able to stay on it so long is really good. I think this is the longest I've been on a diet in years. I think when I last left you I was on Atkins but I had just decided to stop following it exactly. Instead I wanted to do low carb and low calorie and stress less about my carbs a little bit.so I started eating around 600-700 calories a day on average. I still wasn't losing hardly anything! Finally this week I dropped my calories down to around 200 a day and tried doing a lot of walking. I've dropped weight so quickly. I'm finally down 11 lbs. Actually i think I will definitely hit 154 tomorrow. I can't wait to be back in the 140's. That's not a bad range at all. I've spent a lot of time in the 140's. The 130's though is when I start to feel realllllly good about myself and look really thin. 120's is perfection. Anyways I just have to make sure I feel okay and I'm not being tooooo extreme because the worst thing I could do would be to push to hard and get burnt out and give up. That's what I did this past spring. Anyways - I'm working today with a supermodel. Maybe seeing her will give me some thinsporation. See you at 154.