Down, Down, Down...

I'm so depressed. I don't know whats overwhelming me so much, but I just feel like nobody likes me and everyone is against me. I can't seem to lose any weight... I'm starting to feel like giving up. Tonight I jokingly poked my sister's butt and I brought up this time that she and my other sister had done that to me and they found it funny how jiggly mine was. Well she felt it and her and my Mom both laughed hysterically at basically was a fat ass I have. I just want to disappear. I'm miserable. Miserable with my body.... miserable with my loneliness... miserable with my job... miserable with my pay. I just feel like there is nothing out there for me anymore. I'm single. I have been for years. I feel like my friends don't even like me that much... what few friends I do have. I feel like I give 150% at work and I get nothing but admonishment about how I could have done better. I'm just so tired of dealing with everything and everyone. I'm so tired of trying to be perfect and constantly not reaching perfection. I'm so tired.

I'm old.

It's so weird going back and reading old posts. Its just crazy to see how much I've done and what I've been through. I'm 25 now and I've been in the midst of mid 20's crisis. Just your typical post grad ....what am I doing with my life stuff. I feel so old and stuck. Like this is my life now and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that all that "You can be whatever you want to be" phase of my life is over. I think a lot of the reason I go back to ED issues is because of that loss of control in my life. I feel out of control and bad about my life and therefore I start working on the things I can control - my weight. I'm 130. I'm not thrilled about it, but it's comfortable for now. It's a happier place than the 142 I was sporting about 6 weeks ago. I've been working out a ton....focusing on my fitness, strength training, and all of this while starving. It's definitely taking it's toll and I actually think starving has held back my weight loss actually, but not eating just makes me feel too good mentally. I feel accomplished when I don't eat. I feel good about myself. Here lately I've been eating probably around 500 calories a day and lots of coffee. Obviously something has worked or I wouldn't be so thin, but I'm obviously still not doing enough. I want to be 120. I think I can finally do this. We shall see.