"Are you trying to be bad at this?"

Ughhhh where do I begin? Well first off....I've now lost 26 pounds and weigh 164. Thats good I guess. I can't explain it...I know other ED people will get this but it just doesn't feel like success anymore. Like I'm happy to be losing weight, but despite the weight loss I no longer feel successful. I haven't back-tracked once since I started this episode several months ago....and by that I mean I've never gained weight....not even for one day. I've either been maintaining one weight for a couple days or consistently losing, but for some reason I feel like I've gained. It just feels like I'm getting bigger everyday. I don't know how this is possible but I just feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fat. I feel like people are looking at me and thinking I'm a beast....which is weird because on one hand I see guys checking me out all the time and even though I know its happening...it's not like it changes my thought process.....just like seeing a lower number on the scale doesn't change the fact that I feel like it's a higher number.

I guess I just feel like I'm trying so hard to get away from this disgusting weight and I'm still fat and I still have a disgusting gut and I still fit in a size 12....A SIZE 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I fit into size 12 jeans 26 pounds ago....I mean they were skin tight and I muffin topped in them, but I was wearing them.....so how does 26 pounds of weight loss mean that I can fit in size 12 and not muffin top??? Seems like 26 pounds would at least mean a size 8 would fit comfortably. I think the size thing makes me feel the worst. All my shirts fit differently though....and this leather jacket I bought when I was probably 40 pounds heavier almost a year ago....now fits so loose that it doesn't wear right. Anyways I just eat soooooooooooooooooooo much more than I was...and i guess thats why I feel fat. Like today I had the following:

Toast: 100

pretzels: 100

salad w/ 15 calorie dressing: 30

salad: 100

sandwich: 120

sandwich: 110

toast: 100

almond milk: 30

Jello: 10

= 700 calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow! I'm embarassed to even write that here.

I honestly don't keep that hardcore of a count anymore...like I know a rough number of calories for everything I eat and I try to eat as little as possible, but I don't always total my calories everyday.

wow. Well there you have it world....I'm out of control.

It actually blows my mind to think that I have eaten MORE than that before. like pre-diet days.

Oh and also....I'm so stressed about my diet and school and life that I now have hives.

In other news I sort of got my period back today....It still seems veryyy light, but it's stronger than the pretty much non-existent one I had a month ago. So THAT was veryyyyyyy discouraging. my bod is telling me I'm eating better which means I'm EATING......which means I'm failing.

I wonder when someone is going to start reading this or start caring about this blog at all....I'm starting to think it's not going to happen. I guess the real point of me writing this is to get all these pent up thoughts out so this blog is fulfilling it's purpose whether it's read or not, but still it would be encouraging to know someone else got how i felt or knew what I was going through.

Until next time...

"Sometimes we trip so we don't fall"

Okay so today was reallllllllllllllllllllllly discouraging. I've been seeing this trend of eating more developing with me. I've just gotten comfortablt with eating 500 calories or more.....let me rephrase that actually. I'm NOT comfortable with it...I'm extremely down and depressed about it, but I guess i've lost the self control I had for a while there. I remember I used to look at other girls pages and be like "How can they eat that much and feel like they are on track???"

I guess its not that I feel I'm on track, but I'm still committed to this. Tomorrow I am determined to get my groove back....I seriously miss the feeling of being faint and sick. It really did make me feel beautiful. wow! .....Ummm as I typed that last sentence I had a revelation. For the first time in a long time I've been happier in every other aspect of my life! thats what it is! When I'm happy I'm eating....when i'm depressed and down I starve myself!! I wasn't going to write tonight but I know how much this helps me in this whole process to just verbalize my feelings....It helps me to realize things I didn't know I was feeling had I not had to describe them. Well this is one such instance. I'm going to have to bring back the sad music and such...if it keeps me thin I guess nothing else matters.

There is a realllllllllly good looking guy that works in my mall. I recently told people how I had this crush on him and then this weekend I found out he was a model. I was soooo embarrassed. So embarrassed that people think I'm a pathetic fatty lusting after some guy that's completely out of my league. Ughhhh.....I just instantly felt over him or any thought I'd had of pursuing him. I just hate that I have all the potential in the world to be really pretty but I'm trapped in this disgusting body.....AND now I've been slipping up in my diet!! Ughhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! whats wrong with me. I've been stuck at 167 and instead of fighting to be at a more acceptable weight I've been okay with staying this unattractive pathetic girl.

When I get to 120 I can have anyone I want......thats 47 pounds away.....That just feels impossible....especially considering the fact that I'm stumbling at around 25 pounds right now.....

But no! this is not happening!! I am not surrendering to this! I am facing this head on. I am going to write out exactly what was eaten on this binge today.

Toast: 120

half a sandwich: 40

salad 3x's: 200

half a banana w/dark chocolate: 100

toast: 120

Sandwich w/ vegan cheese: 130

Grapes: 100

= 810??? I think

I can't remember everythign to be completely honest, but I can tell you that the only things I eat are toast, spinach salads w/tomotoes and this really light vegan dressing, and sandwiches with vegan mayonnaise that only has 10 calories plus bread thats 35cal a slice and 40calorie vegan cheese.....and I eat grapes....So basically I couldn't have eaten over a 1000 calories....I guess this wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Let me give you all a tip - Go vegan. Not only will you be saving innocent life and preventing animal abuse....you will also have a great reason for not eating certain things with people. Also vegan foods are sooooooooooooooooooooo LOW FAT. When i say I binge ate today and then you see that I still had under 1000 calories....you know thats got to be the way to go. Honestly I stayed stuffed all day. I was eating like every hour, but everything is so low fat and it just runs through you. Anyways....thats just my tip. Oh and let me emphasize...vegetarian is NOT VEGAN. I was vegetarian for 5 years before going vegan and I stayed fat that whole time pretty much. I think it would be prettttty hard to be a fat vegan. I mean I'm fat but im losing weight....I guess I'm saying it would be hard to stay fat and be a true vegan.

My Mom is Ana

Today I was so sick from starving that I started throwing up....After talking to my Mom about the fact I wasn't losing weight despite my best efforts she started doing that babying stuff where she talks to me like I'm on some kind of modest diet of 1500 calories or something. That infuriates me because she KNOWS all I eat is toast most days ANDDD she knows that she starves on 1200 and complains....yet she says stuff to me when I eat like 1200 a week?!

So I challenged her to eat only what I eat for a day and at first she agreed and then backed out after she had a chance to think about how hard it would be. Then she had the nerve to give a speech about how she used to starve as hard or harder than me when she was young! Puleazzzz....First of all....I've been doing this like 2 months which is longer then any of her crash diets I'm sure....AND her bragging number was 800 calories!!!!!!! In all honesty I can't remember the last time I had 800 calories....that was a veryyyyyyy long time ago for sure....very long ago. Well the whole conversation was insulting...she essentially implied that my diet was nothing compared to how hard she had dieted in the past ...also that I needed to try harder and thats why I wasn't losing.

I'm not talking to her about this again. Thats definitely the end of my diet talk....this is also a sign that I really do need to start purging. If what I am eating is whats holding me back then I need to eat NOTHING ...and since I can't take that....then I need to purge it up. If anyone could help me with tips or anything it would be much appreciated.

I really need a support system right now.....really.

I understand cutting....

These past few weeks have been crazy....I see how much this ED has twisted my mind.

I find myself sometimes feeling retarded like ...this while not eating when I'm basically obese....like who do I think I am?? I'm not some skinny girl with anorexia....I'm a fat blob on a kick. It's almost like a joke, but then I realize how much I want to be bones and how afraid I am of not being that way and it occurs to me that anyone w/o an ED wouldn't even be going through the thought processes I am.

Starvation is truly the only thing I have control over these days....My life is insane. Between the work thing and school and my own body image and starving....its like theres no joy except in the satisfaction of knowing I'm getting thinner. I think everyone thought for a while that I was just dieting intensely and now they are realizing that this isn't a yo-yo diet and i'm not losing steam....I'm in this really deep and I'm unable to get out. Last weigh in was 167....I'm not sure if thats still the same as the last time I posted or not. I've got to get serious about things though.

It used to be that eating 400 calories a day felt extreme...now thats a bad day..but I've been having alot of bad days....It just seems like I've been eating 400 calories ALOT here lately and thats not okay....100 calories is a good day....I can't do more than my toast for breakfast without feeling ashamed....I'm think of starting to purge...If I learned how to purge I could feel guiltless about even the toast. I could maybe really start to make headway. Because right now I just feel like the numbers never move....like honestly I probably won't see the 150's until the end of the month....thats ridiculous considering how little I eat! I used to lose 2 pounds a day on 400 calories a day when I was 15.....I guess my metabolism is just so much slower.

I'm so afraid I'm going to get my period back from all this eating lately. Soooooo afraid! If I get it back...I'm going to feel like a failure. Thats one accomplishment I can feel good about.

I just wish I was thin....If I was a waif everyone would love me....everyone would not only love me....they might want to be with me...instead of ignoring me and leaving me. It just doesn't feel like the pain I'm going through is balanced in proportion to the weight loss I'm receiving.

I just want to be at my goal now....or at least 10 pounds slimmer.

Also I'm tired of writing a blog no one reads...

Oh gosh.....I'm just weary today. I'm sad my best friend isn't at work and everyone there is so down and depressed on top of it. I'm sad I'm fat. I'm sad my best friend won't talk to me. I'm sad I'm swamped with school. I'm sad I'm fat. I'm sad my family makes this diet harder. I'm sad noooo one has commented on my weightloss anywhere. I'm sad the boy I like will never like me back. I'm sad.

A year without rain...

So I didn't even remember to weigh in this morning... this whole drama at work has taken my mind off my facial issue and my weight.

A few weeks ago I remember how big of a deal I made about this diet and now slowly it's become the least of my worries. I don't really think too much because I just am not eating....yesterday I had toast as usual and that was all. I usually just eat breakfast and thats it. So I had 100 calories yesterday. I guess that why I haven't thought about the scale....I know I'm doing my part and thats all that matters. Plus I haven't been showing any weight loss because I never poop!!!!!!!! I know thats disgusting, but I am so constipated.....I swear if my got rid of everything I would lose around 5 pounds....swear.

I mean I know I don't eat alot, but still I should be getting rid of more than I actually do.

Anyways I'm staying faithful to the plan....I promise...

I can't wait to pass out....I can't wait to be skin and bones....I can't wait to be dying....I can't wait to be scary looking....I just want it now.

The Lowest Low...

For a while life seemed like it was on the up swing....I loved going to work. Seeing my friends made work my fun time....it didn't even feel like work. But life doesn't want me to be happy....I can't be losing weight, looking pretty, and having fun. No....this week had to turn my world upside down. I lost my period due to starvation....It's been the weirdest thing....I've cramped sooooo bad, but I only spot when I pee....other than that...nothing. I guess it's nice, but I don't know what to think....

I've been so wrapped up in this diet that it's consumed everything....then my face happened. Last Sunday I got this pimple on my chin...and I treated it everyday and night for several days to no avail....so getting desperate I tried this salt treatment on it. Long story short....the salt mask burnt through so many layers of skin on the pimple that my skin turned black there....so all week I had grotesque nastiness on my face. My face issue consumed me so much that I almost lost sight of my eating...in fact I ate 600 calories one day .....I felt soooo disgusting and horrible. I realized that the starvation...the hunger....the pain makes me feel beautiful...makes me feel pretty. Without it I feel average, ugly, unimportant, and worthless. As long as I am deprived I have power and am superior to everyone around me...because I have control unlike them.

Today I got back on track with the diet and I ate just under 200 calories...which is pretty much the average now. I eat about 100-200 on a normal day....anything more is a bad day and anything less is celebratory.

Well today I was kind of sad to go to work because my face issue was enough to embarrass me in front of my friends....when I got there I saw that my closest friend was X'ed off the schedule for the day and I figured hours had just been cut. Then I started looking ahead in the schedule and realized he was X'ed out the next day and completely removed from the schedule the next week. I instantly felt shakey and my mind was full of panic and fear. Surely he hadn't quit, but there was no way he was fired....I had no one to ask about the situation because my manager on duty had never liked him anyway. As soon as i left I texted him and he had been fired.

So many things have gone through my mind, but mainly I feel so lost. Between the stress of school, my personal issues, my loneliness, my body image, work, and now I lost my only local friend...and in the worst way. It honestly feels like he died. In a way it's like he has....I know he will be unmentionable now at work...I don't know what he was fired for, but I can imagine we arent going to be able to discuss it anyways. Work was one of the only places we could be together ...we're both too busy otherwise. I just feel like someone who made life worth living is no longer a part of my life and I feel so hurt.

This is surely going to send my eating to an all time low....which I suppose is somewhat of a good outcome. I just don't even want to look at food. I just want to die really....but i don't want to take pills or shoot myself....I want to starve to death. That is a beautiful death.

I forgot to mention....I'm 169lbs.