Idk anymore

Okay so life has been so weird here lately....I don't know whats happening with me. I don't have the will power for this anymore, but I'm so obsessed at the same time that I can't let go for sure. So u eat about 600-800 calories a day now. = ( But I weighed 146 today????? how in the world do I weigh the least I ever have but I'm eating now! I'm just all confused about the diet and life in general.

I have recently gotten really good a purging. This is bad. I feel out of control. Knowing i have the ability to purge has caused my self control to plummet even further. I purged all day long. It started after I felt sick this morning from eating broccoli. I was so nauseous and then it occurred to me that if I purged I would feel relieved...so thats when the binging started. I ate a ton of potatoes, sweet potatoe, oatmeal, green beans, a sandwich....blah blah blah... I got at least 3/4 of it up. I'm not good at following through because I wear out quickly, but I think I get rid of most.

I probably consumed around 600 calories considering what all was digested by the end of it. I'll do better tomorrow. Hopefully I can still be 145 tomorrow seeing as I'm on some kind of losing streak.

Until next time.

Hard days and long nights

I don't know what it is with me these days. I'm eating like 400-800 calories a day. That's not horrible, but it's not what I'm used to and it's not whats going to get this weight off me FAST. The thing is I just feel like I can't do 100 calorie days any more. I still have time to hit the 130's by the end of the month, but I'm not going to get to 120 by Christmas. = ( Theres just no way to drop this much in a month. No way considering the fact that I'm much thinner now and the weight just doesn't melt off.

I did buy 5lb weights you can strap around your ankles and I wear them all day...so hopefully that will help. I also bought 3 pound wrist weights....so hopefully that will help me. They are a constant reminder that I need to keep moving and as a result I get in around 300 leg lifts a day since. I'm still 149. ugh.

I ate alot today.

Toast: 100

Salad: 100

Soy nog: 200 (yikes, but so good)

vegan links: 100

Grapes:100

= 600 calories

I just don't feel comfortable with that sort of number at all. I know some people eat in that range, but those people are usually thinner or have better metabolisms than me. Me eating 600 calories is like those people eating 1200.

I just need to get refocused. The purging lesson the other night helped a lot and I'm so happy I have back up now, but I need to spend some time on serious thinspiration this week. I need to do that and I need to write here daily. The writing helps me confront everything that I suppress in order to justify eating.

I ended a friendship this week. It's just been a really hard week. I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone and I'm so tired of feeling inadequate. I won't ever feel worthy of anything until I'm at least 120. I'll always feel like my weight is the reason no one likes me or my justification for any problems. I know thats silly, but it's my life. I just wonder when I'll ever eat normally. Like I'm not going to live on an endless cycle of starvation and binges, but honestly I have no idea how a normal person eats. I have no idea how much time you're supposed to have between when you eat. If i honestly just ate when I ate hungry I would probably have about 300-400 calories a day, but anything in excess of that is just gluttony. So I can't understand how someone can eat 2000 calories a day!?? I understand that sometimes I want to binge and on those days if I really go wild I might hit 2000 calories, but how on earth do you eat 2000 calories EVERY SINGLE DAY!?? what do those meals even consist of????

Anyways....until later.

I want to get back on the rollercoaster...and I want to go faster

Okay so my worst nightmares came true. I lost control.....basically one week ago. Last Thursday night was one of my lowest point ever. I remember feeling like there was no way I could continue the way I was going because my willpower was no longer strong enough for 100 calorie days and my metabolism was too slow for anything more. So basically I decided that i would take a week off and eat 500-1500 calories a day depending on what I wanted to do and I would simply take the losses as my cost for being so extreme and killing my metabolism. Well over the weekend I ate....all i could think about was food....where I could get my next meal. it was truly ridiculous. I mean somedays I didn't even have 1000 calories but I thought about my food intake so much you would have thought I was eating for an army. This included eating at work...which caused a whole lot of embarrassment and stress I didn't need.

Well come Sunday I had a meeting at my work and everyone that works in the store had to be in attendance....somehow my veganism got brought up and two nutritionists who work in the store started grilling me on my diet and health. I'm not prepared for these questions!! They started asking me what I ate...how I got certain vitamins and protein, ect. They asked me if I had my period...I just didn't know what to say to anything so I answered pretty honestly expecting them to not overreact, but low and behold they practically shout responses about my lack of a menstrual cycle to the point where male co workers were looking. I was so humiliated and the conversation got really tense...I just sat there letting them basically yell at me and one of the girls actually started tearing up about my health. omg!! dramatics!

So anyways my "regular" eating did exactly what I feared.....it weakened my will power. I haven't been able to get back to a normal 100 calorie day since. Granted i was supposed to continue normal eating till tomorrow according to the original plan, but I have attempted my regular diet 2x's and cracked under pressure. I know my metabolism is better, but I just can't get my will power in shape.....THEN.....tonight happened.

I was trying to eat only 100 calories and had been really successful until the thought hit me that i reallllllly wanted potatoes. and I realized I could have them if I purged. I wanted them so bad I thought....I'll do anything for them! So I made them and after getting ready to consume them I thought....Are you really willing to purge this....can you do it? and i started to consider throwing them away. Then I decided that before I threw them away I would allow myself one taste because i knew they would be lovely. Oh it was soooo good. I quickly began to devour the contents of the dish. Next thing you know I felt sooooo full that I ran to my bathroom and began pushing my fingers back my throat. I was so nervous and afraid i wouldn't be able to recover those calories that I continued the torture despite my fears. Next thing you know I was throwing up jello from earlier haha....I thought it was blood at first and it scared the crap out of me haha I continued to purge up tea i had to drink and water ....and finally the potatoes came....which was weird because I thought my most recently consumed food would come first but it came last. I only got about half the potatoes purged before i called it quits, but I learned alot and the potatoes weren't too bad coming up. I went back to a bowl that was still half full and thought I can't finish that, but about 10 minutes later i had eaten them all and was back in the bathroom purging again! This time I was even better. I got almost all of them up I think. I continued eating aqnd purging selectively throughout the night. It was as though I was excited to practice my new skill.....as sick as that sounds. I realized that hope is not lost. I have amazing willpower AND I now am a laxative genius as well as a decent purger. We all have our talents.

Well anyways....I have devised a plan. Tomorrow I will eat my usual toast and purge immediately and thoroughly. I will allow myself that and one of my vegan links(I realized those are easily purged also) ....if I consume the calories it's still only 150 taken in and if I don't then bravo! I'm a fasting genius haha

I know i can get this weight off now. I just have to make sure that each time I eat outside of my 100 calories (no matter how small) I must purge it till there is nothing....MUST.

See right before I really cracked down on my dieting about a month and a half ago I had a really bad few days where I ate alot...like 600-700 calories....and then I knew I was going to make up for it that weekend at work by only consuming something for breakfast and fasting the rest of the day. Well I did and next thing you know I dropped ten pounds in about a week. I am about 150 from all the eating this week but something tells me that I'll be back to 146 by Monday and I can be in the 130's by the months end. I'm sorry for the lack of updates, but now that I'm totally back in the swing of things and sooooo ready to do this thing! Yay!!!

Heres to serious weightloss!

Looking up!

Okay so I've been in a real slump in case you haven't noticed. This feeling like I'm never going to get out of this weight range has been overwhelming my every thought. Well today I feel like I'm finally back on track. I weigh 146(thank god) and I'm not tempted today! It's weird how those days of temptation just come and go....like yesterday it really took everything in me to not binge, but today I ate 150 calories and I can't imagine eating anything else today. Here's what I've eaten:

2 vegan links: 90 calories

2 cups steamed broccoli - plain - 60 calories

= 150 calories = Me :)

I think I just feel good knowing my back on track. I did feel bad about the amount I consumed as far as the volume of food....like it wasn't alot of calories, but it was a large quantity of food regardless....so I took 2 laxatives to clear it out. I know I said I wasn't going to do that anymore, but I felt like 2 pills couldn't hurt too much and I figure part of my screw up on pill days is that I consume 300+ calories and I just ate 150 today so I think I'll be good. I just want to empty myself out. I hate feeling full!

I've decided to create a new goal because you know how much I love goals! haha

I would like to be 135 by thanksgiving. Is that and insane stretch that will never happen? YES! Am I doing this massive stretch goal to strive to do my very best and not feel like I can slack off on any day?? YES! Will I reach it by the 25th? Probably not, but I hope! = )

So that's like 10 pounds in 13 days I think. haha No way in the world, but oh well. I just want to be in the 130's by Thanksgiving. If I'm 139 I'll take it.

One last thing. I see alot of things on here that I know are a direct result from someones poor self esteem, and most of the time I think nothing more of it other than the fact that they must be extremely miserable inside, but this week I read some insanely harsh words on a blog I follow. The girl ridiculed people who are poor, weigh more than her, and "ugly" people. I realize she must be in alot of pain to lash out at indirectly at the world, but I couldn't help but feel that other people could be reading that sort of stuff and feel they fall into those categories and therefore feel pathetic. It just leads to a cycle of mean. I just want to say to anyone reading that they should never feel bad about themselves because of someone else's insults towards you. People who say things like that say it from a place of hate for themselves and you just get the results of that hate. So never let something like that make you feel less than. = ) I know that's random, but it just really bothered me that so many people could be hurting because of someone else's pain.

Anyways I may blog more tonight...I'm back in dieting mode and that means blogger is my best friend. ; )

Confused

I don't know what to do anymore.....Tomorrow will tell me alot, but I=basically I just don't seem to be losing weight. I understand that my body is probably tired of this 100 calorie business and my metabolism is shot to pieces, but I don't get why I'm stuck at 147 and why have I been stuck between 147 and 148 for twoooooo freakin weeks!!

Basically I'm contemplating my dieting strategy. I've read that when you hit a plateau you need to change up your routine, but everytime I tell myself that eating more calories will HELP me....a little voice in my head pops up and says..."don't believe the lies! thats just your hunger talking"....and then I feel like my will power is pathetic and I feel defeated and confused and frustrated. I just reallly am at a loss for what to do. If I saw 146 tomorrow I would say that this was just a rough patch and I'll stick to my 100 calorie days, but if not then I'm switching to the ABC diet...which as insane as it sounds...I'm going to feel guilty about eating that many calories!

As for tomorrow I am pretty sure I'm going to try and eat my 100 calories in a different form....like instead of my toast I'm going to have some broccoli and a vegan hot dog. I think the difference in protein and carbs will probably make a difference. I'll continue my 100 calories throughout the weekend and depending on my weightloss come Monday...I may start the ABC diet or I may just continue doing 100 calories until I get in the 130's. The way things are going I have a hard time seeing that I'll be 120 by Christmas. = ( I can officially say I'm the most discouraged I've been this entire diet. I just feel like everything is slipping away and falling apart.

Just One of Those Days..

Today is just....frustrating.

I'm mad at myself because I screw myself over everytime I get caught up on the pills.

Basically I ate more yesterday....not even a binge...just what used to be considered a normal day. I can't remember how I consumed all the calories now, but it was 500 calories. Mainly I ate plain broccoli and a few other steamed vegetables. I didn't even eat anything bad, but I instantly felt frustrated that I had consumed more than my 100 calories and so I took 4 laxatives. Not too drastic, but still once the laxatives come into play there is always more of a set back, but I can't help myself but resort to them everytime because I get panicked and desperate to have my system empty. It's not about the calories because in my mind 500 calories doesn't even sound bad, but it's the fullness....the idea that there is alot of food in me. I hate it! I want the emptiness back asap!

So anyways that happened and then today I continued flushing my system out and stuck to 100 calories. By tonight I was back to 147, but then I decided that just for extra measures I should take some water pills and reallly flush out any excess liquids....Well whenever you take the water pills you have to drink a lot....so I did and I'm not peeing enough now I don't think....I drank like 40oz of water ....I should be dying to get to the bathroom but ever since I drank that several hours ago I haven't gone that much and just now I weighed myself at 151....Obviously it's water, but if I've somehow screwed myself up to retain MORE water by taking the pills improperly...I'm just going to be really mad. Basically I'm done with pills. I know I say that everytime and then I go right back, but I seriously need to be done. THEYYYY are screwing me up...not me...I'm doing good. It's the pills that screw up my progress everytime!

I know that's a whole lot more info than anyone cares to read, but I'm just venting. : /

I want to be 145 by Friday....at least. I know my metabolism is so screwed up at this point that the weight just doesn't want to budge like it once did, but I can't eat more...I'll just psych myself out and screw up everything. For ME .....eating any more than my toast just feels like I'm getting farther from my goals and I neeeeeed to see the 130's soon before I get so discouraged that I never make it out of this pit. Plus I bought clothes in smaller sizes when I was dropping so quickly that I thought I would be in them in like a week, but now I'm still the same and I want to wear them!

I won't complain anymore....Sorry for being so whiny. In the words of Monica -It's just One of Dem Days.... haha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEh4eWJPT0U ...classic = )

We all fall down

Okay so today I ate the following:

Toast: 100

1 almond: 6

Some blueberries: 10

Jello cup: 10

Bite of rice cake: 15

Load of water

3 cups of tea

= 141

So not tooo bad, but not too good either. I'll do better tomorrow. I mainly tried the rice cake in an attempt to see whether that could replace my bread for my toast and I think it can so maybe now I'll be at around 70 calorie days! Either I can eat just the 70 or I can use my other 30 calories for something else....like Jello or 4 almonds haha

Anyways....I am 148 today....nothing new. Hopefully in the next couple days I can get back to being normal and dropping a pound a day. I can't wait. I feel like I look thinner, but maybe this water retention is still getting to me. I can't remember of I mentioned that I bought water pills last night and they are helping me get rid of all this fluid retention. Oh well...I'm on my way.

I did think of something happy today. Well ever since the binge I've kind of felt like maybe this whole dream wasn't going to actually happen, but I've kept on going through the motions regardless....well today I'm starting to feel like my old self again. I know this can be a reality! The happy thing I thought of though was that even if i don't hit 120 by Christmas...I will still definitely be in the 120's by then and I just felt really happy knowing that I would be there. At 122 I become "underweight." So only 26 more pounds till I'm there.... = )

It's not that far if you really think about it...considering how far I've come. These next 28lbs are about to see a tragic fate haha

Hope you're doing well in your dieting ventures!

= )

Oh gosh...

Well I didn't write the past two days for good reason. I'm all out of whack.

This is going to be short...I think...because I'm just exhausted and annoyed with food issues.

Basically i woke up Thursday and I was surprised to realize that I wasn't even hungry or craving food....it was amazing. I almost decided not to even eat, but then I decided to just stick to plan because not eating all together could be dangerous considering how weak I've been. Well everything was fine and my diet was in check when all the sudden that evening I decided to try and eat normally...or at least like I did in the 500-600 calorie days. Big mistake...cause when I'm given an inch I take a mile. Basically I binged....and not even like last time. I binged and I ate everything!!!!! I ate things I didn't even want...I was just putting anything and everything in my mouth. I tried to purge and I couldn't....Soooo I took 20+ laxatives. I think I ate in all around 1500-2000 calories. It was nuts. I was ashamed...and honestly I feel like a part of me died in all that. I haven't been thinking about the diet since...I've been doing it, but I haven't been thinking about it like I normally do...at an obsessive level. This may sound like a positive thing but I assure you it's not. It's like I'm not thinking about it because it feels unachievable and therefore I'm just putting it out of my mind in order keep on living and being. So the past two days I have eaten my 100 calories and I'm in recovery mode from this binge. I had serious bowel issues from the laxatives for two days and today I bought some water pills to help with the water retention. So hopefully I'll be back to my old self soon enough. I think once I see 146 I'll be back in the swing of things. I can't wait.

I figure it will be at least another two weeks before I feel the temptation to binge again...hopefully this time I have learned a lesson and will resist.

WTF!!!!!

Today I weighed in at 147 again ... > : (

I ate:

toast - 100

vegan link - 45

5 grapes - 15

=160 calories

So tonight I decided to weigh in and I weighed 149. What the crap is that!? How is that even happening. I mean I know I haven't truly gone to the bathroom since my whole laxative episode, but really??? really? So I took 6 laxatives to get rid of everything and because I am a sucker for this cycle. The most annoying thing is that I feel like I'm ready to snap today. I just want to eat everything in sight!!!!!! If you told me I wasn't going to gain any weight I think I would eat everything in the pantry....everythingggggggg!!!!!!!! The ridiculous thing is that I haven't felt this way.... I haven't felt this way and that's how I knew I would lose the weight because I wasn't even craving food.

My 100 calorie days are coming to an end. I will definitely do it this weekend because that's always easy since I work, but tomorrow at least I'm eating around 500 calories. You know whats crazy!...as soon as I give in and type that last sentence I start thinking about what I will eat with my 500 calories and the choices start to overwhelm me and then I think..."this is too much...I'm going to get overexcited and binge so I better just stick to the plan." Its the never ending cycle of misery also known as my thought process.

I think the thing I hate the most about eating is that I feel like my family looks at me like...."well she's losing it...guess she's gonna put that weight back on." and even if not that my Mom just is happy that she's been able to talk me into eating and then I feel annoyed that she and food has won.

Ughhh I'm so nauseous and frustrated right now. I wish I could purge, but it's been so long that I don't know how exactly to do it and I'm afraid I'll get hooked...and I'm worried I'll eat alot and then not get it back up. Any tips would be appreciated.

Until tomorrow...

Sum it up

Okay so I'm super tired, but I want to complete my daily writing. = )

So I maintained at 147 which I was happy about because thats what I planned on....you just never know what could happen. My body could have overreacted and held on to everything or I could have retained a ton of water and weighed more.

I ate 100 calories today. I do think I am retaining a little water this evening because when I weighed myself tonight the scale said 148 which makes no sense considering the fact it did not say that this morning and that I've only "emptied" myself more since then. So I just hope my body can work this out because it's really annoying to not drop a pound a day when I'm eating only 100 calories. Losing that pound is the motivation that makes it do-able.

Anyways I'm looking to be 145 by Friday. I think I would be in the 130's by next weekend if I keep everything up! Hooray!

My body is finally starting to look like ...hmmm idk how to put this. I guess instead of just seeing huge blobs of fat everywhere that I need to get rid of...I'm starting to see just problem areas....like everything is shrinking up.

I always see girls posting and they have bmi's of 16/17 and they inspire me so much. I can't wait til my weight is an inspiration....and i don't even mean an inspiration to someone else....I can't wait till my BMI is an inspiration to me. Something that makes me believe I can do anything. I know the day is coming when I put on that size zero! = )

I hope anyone reading this is doing fabulous in all of their goals and thank you Evie for the ever encouraging words!

Hey failure..long time no see...

Wellllll.....not so good. Yes, I did hit 147 because yesterday I was a very good dieter, but as for today...not so much.

I find that the 100 calorie days only last about a week at a time before I crash a little. But like I said last time...I won't crash like the 1500 calorie binge ever again. So instead this was my intake -

Toast - 100

Brussel Sprouts - 360

Vegan spread - 90

= 550

One of the other differences was that this was pretty calculated instead of last time. I knew I was coming near my end and that it would be better to fill up on brussel sprouts rather than eat something else. Here's the bad thing...instead of just accepting the day as having been a slightly higher calorie day I took 10 laxatives.... : / I have three kinds (haha so ridiculous) and instead of taking my harsh exlax I took this gentle "natural" kind....it never gives me horrible cramps and it usually doesn't leave me crazy dehydrated. I think I only set myself back a day. I'm not too worried because I didn't eat a crazy number of calories I'm just upset that apparently I no longer have control over my laxative abuse, but rather it has control of me. That's scary. So what does this mean?? Am I going to freak out and OD on laxatives everytime I eat more than 150 calories??? I don't know anymore... I don't know myself.

I find it weird that I abused myself in this way today because I watched a great show about loving yourself and being comfortable in your own skin and I was starting to think that I need to start changing my mindset...because right now I feel like even if I hit 110...I'll never be thin enough...I'll never be good enough. I see this happening because it wasn't long ago that I thought being in the 150's would solve all my problems....then I got there and I still felt horrible...then I thought if I hit the 140's I would be okay, but no....I can't see myself looking good even in the 130's. The truth is I won't look good to myself simply because I weigh less....I'll only start looking good to myself when I actually love myself...and by myself I mean love my body for the body it is and stop wanting it to be someone elses. It's so crazy because I put so much more pressure on myself then I ever would on another person. I see girls heavier than me and I think they are gorgeous, but I would never express that to myself.

So I guess my word of advice for the day(which I will be taking to heart myself) is - love yourself. No, not in that vain, proud, arrogant sort of way....just love your body because it's the only one you will ever have and love you because you are the only you the world will ever have. It's cliché, but yea. = )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw <-- oh and listen to this because it goes with the theme of this post!