Hopeful

I weigh 142. Bleh.

I'm slightly better than I was the other day mood wise. That day at the doctor was basically life changing. It was the first time I've acknowledged my inner most secrets and flaws to someone. My friends/sisters don't even know my problems.

The reason it was so traumatic is because I cried in the office. Embarrassing. The nurse I cried in front of was horrified. haha It's not funny, but she look so scared! The doctor was more normal. She asked em how I see myself. I was like "Really fat." ...obviously. She said I was a normal weight and even somewhat thin. Obviously fake encouragement. oh well. She is supposed to refer me to a psychologist, but it's been several days and still no word. That's really annoying. Like I need help now! The sooner I can see someone the sooner this whole mess can be behind me!

I've been eating around 1000 calories. Just trying to keep my intake up.

I find that I'm more motivated to lose weight this way...less likely to binge...and more mentally stable.

A typical day for me eating wise goes like this:

2/3 cup Granola Cereal: 250 calories(a little less than that, but i always say 250 just in case...I'd rather estimate high rather than low)

1 small potato and plain steamed broccoli: 250

Maybe an apple: 100

Salad(100) and 1/2 Oatmeal(300): 400

If I reallllly want something else I may nibble on some pretzels but that's about it.
I'm trying to eat balanced meals. Meals with carbs, vegetables, and protein.

I'm hoping when school gets out i can spend alot more time in the gym. I just need to be at least 130. Ed or not...I have to be 130 at least. I'm so close that theres no reason I shouldn't be able to.

Hope everyone is well!

Dead

All day I've been in a fog. I'm just staring blankly...in silence.

I saw the doctor this morning about my ED. I cried. I humiliated myself.

I don't cry in public. I'm a perfectionist. I always have to appear like I have everything together. I always have to seem perfect. I never go out without makeup and an outfit picked out. I'm ALWAYS together.

Not today. Today I sat in an office...sobbing...and telling 2 people how pathetic I am. How weird I am. How UNperfect I am.

Leaving that office I felt exposed...violated...horrified with embarrassment.

I haven't spoken to anyone all day. I answered my Moms questions about what tests were done and then I went off to my room.

I truly feel like I died today.
I can't explain how traumatic the past few weeks have been. I just keep feeling worse and worse....but today...today was the worst.

I don't have a referral for a psychologist yet and I don't know when they'll call me with one. Right now it feels like this was all for nothing because there hasn't been any help or progress...just torment.
It's only because I have hope that I surviving this day.

I have to believe I may be able to resolve all my issues. I have to.

The Endless Cycle

So yesterday I did what I often do when I get panicky about my ED. I start binging. I just started eating this candy out of an easter basket my sister gave me. It was all downhill from there. I ate all the candies and a cookie, potatoes, broccoli, oatmeal, cereal, pretzels, a sandwich, piece of cake, fruit, jello salad, and probably something else I can't remember. I finally got so stuffed and sick that I couldn't stand up straight ...that's always my signal that I am ready to purge. I purged in the toilet rather than my bedroom trash can like I usually do because my family was gone. omg....Thats why I struggled with purging in the past...because I wasn't positioned correctly. Doing it in the toilet was the key. I threw up everything. I ended up eating some fruit and a piece of carrot cake last night because it was my sister's birthday, but I still didn't think my calorie intake was that high. Today I wake up though and I'm 144. What the heck happened....I purged it. I know I got it all up because I weighed myself after.

Everytime I binge the next day I have this burning feeling in my stomach/chest and this emptiness that doesn't feel like normal hunger. It's like more extreme. It's miserable. My stomach has been gurgling all morning and I'm just really disgusted with myself.

I want to go back to that resolve I had a few weeks ago when I started eating 1200 calories. I want to feel normal and healthy, but then another part of me wants to feel faint and sick from starvation. I want to feel weak. I want to be losing weight!

I just don't know what to do. I was resolved to get an appt with my doctor, but now I'm wondering if that's the right thing. I need to lose more weight! Besides that I don't want to go to the doctor when I'm this fat. She'll think I'm a joke.

Everytime I start the starvation thoughts I also start wanting to binge. Like it puts this desperation in me, but when I was allowing myself 1200 calories and "being normal" I wasn't even really tempted by food. Like I only ate at my meal times and it was just food to me...I didn't have this emotional draw to it. Because of that I was taking in around 900-1000 calories and not even hitting my limit.


idk what to do. Suggestions??


Thanks for all the support and advice! Your comments mean alot! really and truly.

Btw, I'm not sure if you saw my response, A. I had accidently written my home phone number when I wasn't thinking. My cell is 304-561-8224 if you want to buddy-up on diet. = )

Coming Out

It's a fact that seeking help is the scariest aspect of an ED. I've been at my wit's end. Literally sobbing and not being able to get control of these emotions all week. I'm just extremely discouraged about my weight and my scarily determined willpower to not eat.

It occurred to me this week that most people who develop an ED...due so when they are of a perfectly normal weight. I developed one when I was overweight. I lost 55 pounds through starvation alone. That takes an incredibly large toll on the body and thats why my symptoms are so similar to someone who is truly underweight. I've lost my periods. I have no blood circulation...literally my feet looked dead yesterday. They were so blue/purple that my Mom gasped and the whole thing reallly scared me. My heart hurts all the time. I can't sleep. I'm just extremely miserable and to top it off I don't have that excited feeling about weight loss anymore. It's like they are just numbers...all equally horrible and I'm fat no matter what the scale says. I weigh 140 today. Perfectly normal. Exactly ideal weight for a girl my height, but I hate myself...I hate my body so much. Despite my best attempts to be proud of my body...I feel ashamed.

I reached out to my Mom last night and explained the gravity of this situation. Basically we're seeking help at the beginning of the week. I'm scared. I'm afraid they'll put me on a diet that will make me gain. I'm afraid I'll see a counsellor that will think I'm fat and this is stupid.

....I'm glad the conversations over though.

500

I can't explain this feeling....It's like I'm just living in a daze. Actually its like I'm not living....I'm a zombie. All I do is think about weight and dieting. I have this diesease and I feel guilty day after day because I've spread this to others. One of the last things I ever shared with my friend(the one that was fired many months ago) was that i ate only a few hundred calories a day and he was totally fascinated. Soon after he was fired he started dropping weight. He looks completely anorexic last time I saw him. To add to that...I saw someone wrote on his Facebook thanking him for the dieting tips and that they had lost 10lbs.

Eating disorders are a cancer that spread by word of mouth. Whether it be a comment someone makes that destroys someone's self esteem till they want to starve themselves to death or the tips and tricks we all share on here or other sites. I'll feel guilty about that for a very long time.

Once someone has truly seen the darkest pits of this problem...there's no fun and games there anymore. It will only become a darker struggle. I don't know exactly when I realized I was no longer in control of the disorder, but I do know the joy of weight loss and life instantly stopped.

I ate 500 calories today. Tomorrow I'm shooting for 100.

Rituals

My diet right now is extremely ritualized. I eat the same thing day after day and the only thing that varies is my occasional snack. I'm barely taking in 1200 calories and I'm not losing weight. I'm miserable about how I look and my lack of dieting progress, but I've been unable to starve and a part of me doesn't want to any more anyways.
But today I woke up and went to have my cereal I've been eating everyday fors weeks now and someone ate the rest of it. Sounds so silly....sounds petty that this would upset me right? but I'm so dependent on these foods. These foods tell me I'm safe...that things are going to be okay. That as long as I eat them I can recover and be healthy and most of all NORMAL. So when I'm smacked with this reality that every things off kilter first thing in the morning....I just can't handle that.
I'm already so angry. I haven't been talking to my family. I haven't said one kind word to my family in days. I've just been in shut down mode all week. I was naive to think that recovery was here because I was eating 1200 calories. The truth is...recovery will be months long if not a year. It took me years to dig this hole and I won't be able to just jump out. There's an extremely long ladder to climb.

Basically I was so upset about the cereal this morning because I'd been telling myself that I needed to starve today...I had finally built up the motivation to go down and NOT starve and then when I realized my non-starving food was gone...it was like my ED was telling me it had control again and I just needed to follow it's orders.

So I did. I grabbed my 100 calorie toast and settled into the starving reality.

I'm going to starve this weekend. I just can't take it anymore....I'm so freaking fat and I know I can be 140 by Sunday if I just do this. I can eat normally throughout the week to boost my metabolism and starve every weekend.
Starving will help me loose the weight and the 1200 calorie diet will help me maintain.

Song of the Day - Annie by Jonatha Brooke


Until next time = )

Harder than expected...

I miss 100 calories....I miss success. I miss control. I miss feeling powerful and stronger than most.

This is so hard. I am literally forcing myself to keep up with 1200 calories and to be honest I'm not actually eating 1200...it's more like 1000. my breaking point to do this is primarily my hair....it's soooooooooooo thin and brittle. You can see so much baldness on my scalp. = ( I feel so ugly.

I feel ugly because this issue seems so petty. Like there are people in the world who are starving and I'm obsessing of the consumption of food like this??

Yesterday I was extremelyyyyyyy low and I finally decided to call the counselling office at my school. After getting the nerve to call(I was literally shaking) I hear on the other end that the office is closed. Closed? the counselling office is seriously closed during business hours when they are supposed to be open?
I realize I could call again, but see I built up the nerve to ask for help yesterday. I don't have that nerve today....I don't. I don't have time either.

I'm just so sad. I wish people that knew me now knew what I was like a few years ago. Like maybe I was chunky, but I was happy and I liked myself and I laughed ALL the time. I never laugh anymore. Not like I used to. I used to have laughing spells that lasted for a half hour and now I'm lucky to smile.

Yesterday the urge was so strong to restrict.....today I really want to restrict. It's only my will power, fear of more hairloss, and refusal of ruining my metabolism any more that is keeping me going.

I hope you all are doing well.

I've been away...

The past couple months I've been struggling to revive a will power that died(probably from starvation). Somehow I just can't do 2 week period of 100 calories anymore. I don't know how to explain this, but I guess I don't want to starve anymore.

I'm about 140lbs. Despite all the starvation and what not I've not been able to truly leave that number behind. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to be a thin healthy person that's able to represent veganism and make it look good. I want to enjoy life. I don't want to bald anymore. I don't want to snap at my family. I don't want to cry about scales anymore.

I just want to live.

The funny thing is...I thought I had a binge eating disorder that had to be controlled through starvation. Turns out...I was just so starved all the time that I ended up binging from hunger and not because I was a true binge eater. I've finally got myself on a consistent 1200 a day diet and I believe that in a couple months I'll be at the weight I want to be. The crazy thing is I feel totally satisfied and happy on 1200 calories.

Every once in a while I hear a comment or see something that makes me feel the need to eat 100 calories, but I tell myself it's not worth it.

I can't say I won't ever fall into it again or that I'm "recovered" but I'm doing what I can.

I'm not quitting this blog at the moment, but we'll see where things go. = )