Making deals with God

From a very young age I remember feeling very in tune with God. I didn't always realize it was God that was directing my conscience, but as I became older and more self aware I understood that He was the one guiding me all along. I guess deep down I always felt like it was him putting certain ideas in my head, but another part of me would rationalize that I was just being silly and letting my imagination get the better of me. Because a part of me did believe God was listening and speaking to me through the experiences I faced in life....I would make deals with him. I've always been asking God to grant me certain things....sometimes I make promises in return about what I will or will not do in return. Most of these requests are shadowed by something greater though. The greatest request I ever made from God and the one I know he granted me. One summer when I was probably 12 I started reading proverbs and praying alot. The whole concept of wisdom became really important to me. I was fascinated by "wise" people of the Bible and today.....and I wanted to be one of those people. I began to pray constantly for wisdom. I read the book of proverbs over and over again and prayed heavily for wisdom at the present and wisdom as I grew older. I believe when we truly seek pure things WITH pure intentions....God loves to give them to us. This is one of those things. I believe my request of wisdom has been granted and it's presence has stood out in many situations I've faced. Do I think that I myself am extremely wise and intelligent??? Heck no! Do I think God has granted me insight and good instincts at very crucial moments in my life in order to make WISE decisions??? YES!!! Another way I always felt God was talking to me was with regard to my weight. I remember when I was growing up people would always tell me how beautiful I was, but I could tell their compliments were masked with hesitance because while they thought I was pretty....they also still knew I was fat. All growing up my parents would just blatantly say that I was their "most beautiful daughter"....this would usually be followed with "Now if you can just get your weight under control...." -_- Even though I knew I was pretty...or at least had the potential to be pretty.... I couldn't get a handle on my weight. I used to believe God was not allowing my to find the willpower to lose weight because he knew if I lost weight I would go out of control....and I would have. I can tell you right now that if I had always been thin....I would either have kids and some low life husband....or I'd be some sort of porn star/stripper. I always had a high sex drive and then on top of it...I longed for the male attention that I never got from my father. Now that I'm older I KNOW God was keeping me from being thin until I was mature enough to manage being thin. I'm old enough to have self worth and self value that I won't sleep around casually...and I won't fall for the lines of some guy. And this comes back to where I was headed with the wisdom story. I often wonder how I didn't have sex with Brandon. I know pretty much every girl he's even hinted at sex with has jumped at the chance. He even told me...no one ever made him wait. Of course he could have been lying, but I don't think so. I remember every date we went on just seeing how all the girls just stared at him soooo intently....lusting after him. He was beautiful. He made me totally wet just from the thought of him. When he would repeatedly ask me for sex...I truly believe the only reason I was able to say no was because of my wisdom deal with God. I think he gave me the insight to somehow sense that the whole relationship was a waste. I never consciously realized it, but subconsciously I knew brandon was just a jerk..... even when he fed me all the lines to make me believe otherwise. I think God kept me from this whole situation and has planned everything the way he has for a special reason. I can't help but believe there is a special purpose ahead for me. I've always believe it somewhat, but today this whole thing has really been on my mind. Maybe it's about time I stop obsessing about my issues and start trusting that everything is coming together up ahead....I just can't see it yet. = )

Creep

I feel like this is the never ending rant that plays on repeat in my head. I'm sorry for subjecting anyone who bothers to read my blog to this broken record, but this blog is a diary of my thoughts and struggles.....this is my biggest struggle. I get so angry when I think about how life has turned upside down since high school. In high school the most important thing in the world is being skinny and pretty. I spent all of high school watching all the skinny pretty girls getting attention and preferential treatment while I sat on the sidelines being unimportant and ignored. Guys made fun of me....I felt bullied most of highschool even though I was never physically hurt. Even in college looks play a huge role in everything....even though they slowly start mattering less and less. Unfortunately for me I wasn't truly thin and pretty until my senior year. Even then I was still 140. Now when I'm finally coming into the body I've always wanted .... appearance starts meaning less and less. I feel like in high school if you were the prettiest girl you were put on a pedestal....but once you're an adult people are more likely to despise you for being beautiful than anything else. Also, all those girls that were so perfect snagged there prince charming and are now fat with at least one kid. It's actually crazy because it's like when I finally got myself to where I was beating them at their own game....they completely changed the rules. Now it's like it doesn't matter if you're fat. I just feel like I can't win. Sometimes I hate myself too because I feel like I'm caving into their game even though I know better. I know if I can get out of this area I can meet lots of attractive guys and I know that outside of this depressing fat town...people really care about looks. I hate days like this. I hate myself for missing my ex. He was really a jerk. But I've never physically wanted a guy so much in my life. I miss his lips. I miss his scent. The first time we made out he was sweaty from an earlier workout....I literally licked the sweat off him. That's how irresistible he was to me. I just want to replace him so bad so I don't have to think of him. I will never be able to get over him until I have someone else to think about.

Long and obnoxious

I apologize for this post in advance. It's me just word vomiting all my frustrations of late. That whole rejection from the guy I liked....that hurt. That hurt realllllly bad. It's so much easier to stay along and be bottled up, but if you never take a risk then you have to live with this nagging feeling that something better might have been. At this point though I feel like I'm never trying again. I will say though....it's just not fair that all day I get harassed or hit on by unappealing, unattractive guys ....and not even just that....sometimes actually hot guys, but when I finally want someone back....they never want me. Actually sometimes I think even if I were to pay attention to the guys hitting on me...they would suddenly realize they didn't want me. Have you heard that song "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes?? That song is exactly how I feel....exactly. I just want someone to want me....currently not even my friends seem to want me. So basically I feel like that whole incident with the guy was to show me that I need to just completely keep to myself and focus on my diet and exercise. Happiness may be at 115....when i can finally love my body I might be able to receive love from someone. I won't love myself until at least 115. I'm still 126. Weight doesn't move as fast the thinner you get, but I did measure my waist at 25 inches today..so that was awesome. ttyl

Mortified and Confused

Life has gotten really bad and I'm really depressed. I've just never felt so alone or so outcast as I do right now. I know I go back to this all the time, but when i was really fat I used to think that my weight the root of all my problems. If I lost weight then i would no longer have problems. I think one of the reasons I've struggled with so much depression over the past few years since I initially lost the weight was that I realized I still had lots of problems. Sure some of them changed forms, but I pretty much still had lots of problems...in a lot of ways I had even more problems. I used to hear girls or my friends talk about other girls they thought were perfect and I would think..."I don't want to talk about how perfect this girl is...I want to be that girl that people talk about." In alot of ways....I am that girl. People are constantly telling me I'm sooo skinny...or I look like a model...or beautiful, etc. But it's weird. It's like even though part of you logically believes those things....it doesn't mean you don't still feel ugly deep down. I live for male attention. I depend on it like a drug. I never go on dates. Guys rarely have the guts to approach me....but I live for their stares. I live for knowing they admire me. It's like my whole life is built around being this unattainable figure and then when I'm so alone because I have become this girl....then I feel so depressed. I never go out with my friends anymore....because I can't afford the calories. I never hang out with anyone really....all because I'm so consumed with being this perfect skinny girl....because I believe that's what will make me happy....yet it's done the opposite. It's ruined me. I named this post mortified because this week I took a big risk and approached a guy for a date. Not only was I rejected, but I was rejected cruelly. It's weird because I see guys looking at me all the time and other females will talk like it must be so easy for me to find a bf, but when I finally get bold...it always back fires. I'll always end up pursuing the one guy who could care less about me. I started texting this guy I discovered in a very odd way. Granted the whole thing was weird, but I called myself a secret admirer and thought he might find the whole thing sort of intriguing or funny. He talk to me alot and told me about his job and work, etc. Finally this week I popped in and revealed myself thinking that once he knew I was actually pretty he might take a serious interest. Today I truly realized I had been rejected and then publicly put on blast on FB as a stalker. I can see how it might seem that way but I seriously only meant it in fun. I feel like such a fool and I feel certain that everyone I know will find out and think I'm an idiot. I don't know why he had to be so hateful about it. I just feel so stupid and exactly like fat loser Annie. It's as if I've never changed. I think I won't eat tomorrow. I'm 126 btw. ttyl

Slow and steady wins the race

So yesterday was another really good day for dieting. I always eat some cheerios for breakfast at about 150 calories...I have lots of coffee. I went to the gym and ran a few miles (burned off 200+ calories). Then I ate some fake chicken(vegan) ....and that was around 160 calories. At that point I was ready for bed....so I took my nightly dose of nyquil and headed to bed. Unfortunately, one of the biggest side effects for me with a starvation diet is the insomnia. I have insomnia anyways, but the starvation makes it horrible. Even after taking a double dose of medicine I woke up at 11pm and couldn't go back to sleep. I decided to eat some cheerios and take more nyquil. It helped and I finally went to sleep. Unfortunately I wasn't able to hit 127 because of that and maintained 128, but I'm not stressing. I'm on the right path and that's what this new mentality is all about....Slow, steady, and faithful. This is my lifestyle change. I'll be 127 tomorrow though I'm sure. I'm trying to average about 3 lbs loss per week. That will put me at my goal in 2 weeks and my ultimate goal weight in a month. I'm targeting my 115 goal to be hit on December 3rd. I know I can do it. = ) Hope everyone is finding success in their dieting life as well. = )

Here's the secret to being thin...

Over the past few years I've been on pretty much one continuous diet that has seen me fluctuate in weight quite a bit. I mean overall I lost about 80-90lbs and landed at 140, but I would fluctuate up and down from there all the time over the past 2 years. The highest I've been since then is 147 and the lowest being 134.....until recently when I started maintaining this 129/130 weight. So overall I have quite a bit of experience with what works for me and what doesn't. Here's the thing....I always tend to get obsessive. When I originally wanted to start losing weight I started eating around 500 calories...give or take a few. I tried to stay in a 300-600 calorie range and I did really well with my diet. I was losing around 15-20 lbs a month and I was pretty satisfied with my cravings too. A few months in I got a little carried away and thats when the 100 calorie days started. Then I started feeling like anything over that was insane. I would always drop a pound a day doing that, but it was draining and exhausting and mentally I would start to lose it a bit. Then I would have some out of control binge that would result in me gaining back half of what I'd lost and so yea.... It was effective, but not necessarily more so than the moderate starvation that just had slower steady results. The thing is....sometimes it's hard to stay motivated at 500 calories when you're not seeing daily weight loss. Okay so all ED people know where the good diet shows are on youtube. We've pretty much all made a sport of watching the diet programs such as "Super Slim Me", "Super Skinny Me", and movies like "For the Love of Nancy" ....well one such favourite of mine is Supersize VS Superskinny. I love seeing what the intake is of someone so small and work on emulating it. One thing that I've realized is that those people just don't really care about food. They eat it because they must, but they aren't thinking 24/7 about cravings and calories. They eat very little and they care very little.....and somehow in the end they become very little. That's the trick....stop caring like that. Food is something I must consume, but I have to train myself to feel disconnected from it emotionally. It's simply a boring part of everyday life. I've started thinking with this mentality. I'm trying to exercise a moderate and enjoyable amount....and I'm eating exactly how I please. Overall I've been consuming around 500 calories a day, but I've felt satisfied and I know that if I adopt this lifestyle....in a couple months I'll be 110-115, but I'll be happy and I'll be able to maintain it. Binging is a thing of the past...Binging is for out of control people....Moderation is for sensible people and starving is for dead people. I'm 129 today and my weight is not where I'd like it to be....but I'm not stressing. I'm on the right track and that's what matters.

A need for love

I've been consumed with my feelings of loneliness and depression lately. I just need companionship so much. I feel absolutely alone in everything. It's weird but I've been on this journey my whole life to be beautiful. I just felt if I was skinny enough or pretty enough everything would be right. And I know I'm like a record on repeat, but seriously...I can't stress how much these thoughts went through my head growing up. The first week we had a coloured printer in my house I printed photos of Britney Spears and hid them in my drawers. I would stare at them sometimes and just wonder how wonderful her life must be and if I just looked like her life would magically get better. I feel like logically....it would be hard for me to look better than I do now. I have amazing thick hair that's always perfectly styled. I've really mastered hair over the years. I have flawless, impeccable makeup. I spend half my paycheck on make up and hair. I have cute clothes. I have almost everything, but i'm still lonely. I see guys staring at me constantly. Yesterday a girl came up to me and offered me a job at Buckle because she thought I was "really pretty/cute" so I would fit in. The whole thing was so weird and shallow. Walking through the mall two people stopped me to tell me they loved my outfit. A customer said I had beautiful hair yesterday. My interview told me the same thing today. I get compliments all damn day, but all I see is an ugly fat blob ...and I think half of it goes back to being alone. I say all this because I'm always trying to reason with myself in here. Think out loud if you will.... I was reading a question a guy asked today on a message board of sorts. He asked why girls are so obsessed with their figures/bodies. One woman's answer summed it up perfectly - she said that society says Thin=attractive and attractiveness=love. We all want love....so we want to be attractive...so basically we are all quite literally starving for love. It was so simple yet so profound to me. I just want love....and I think I can achieve that if I just hit the right weight. It all makes sense now. I just wish I knew how to change that thought pattern....or how to get love. :/

Why is it so hard??

I feel so overwhelmed. I just feel lost...like I'm falling and tumbling down a long black hole, but never reaching the bottom. I find this whole obsession with weight to be one big weird cycle that you can't really understand until you'r inside. I diet because if I diet I will be pretty and therefore people will like me. But the prettier I get the more many people dislike me....even though I realize this...my brain doesn't accept it. Then theres another part of me that says I'm ugly and stupid and don't deserve food. One half of me is saying to starve because I'm ugly and the other pridefully says to starve because I'm pretty. Nothing ever fully connects on either side except that deep down I feel overall inadequate and I have a void to fill. In the whole mess of starving though I end up miserable, cranky, and sour...then I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I can't starve right. I hate myself for being so self absorbed and consumed with a diet when there are people with real problems in the world. If someone is nice to me...I always assume it's because I'm pretty. If someone is mean to me...I assume it's because I'm ugly. I realize tonight that I never think about myself outside the confines of "pretty" or "ugly". It's like I'm always simplifying myself to those terms. Today was really hard. I'm depressed

Kroger Bag Boy

It's hard to believe that four years ago I was obese. In so many ways I feel totally different from that person now, but the overall idea that I'm a large person still lingers. I was looking at my body in my bathroom mirror this morning after I weighed in at 129. I can see all my ribs. My hipbones protrude. Actually my hipbones stick out so much now I find myself hitting them during the day on counters and even occasionally with my elbow. Weird I know, but they really are sticking out. Despite looking at my body and seeing these bones ...I just felt overwhelmed by how large I was. What's weird is that even when I was very fat I used to pride myself on having a very small frame. Now that I'm thinner you'd think I'd feel overall very small, but I don't. I feel I have a large, bulky frame. You know people tell me all day long how thin I look....they ask me how I do it. They tell me not to lose anymore. One woman this week said I must weigh 100lbs. lol I wish. But instead of being able to think of myself positively from these compliments....I can only think of the negative things that were either said years ago...or some comments that were said in the past few months. This spring a black guy came into my work. He commented to one of my co workers that I was kind of "thick" ....I was heartbroken. I went into a panic. I began asking anyone I knew whether they would consider me thick and many of them said yes!! I considered myself fairly slim at the time. I understand that thick means something slightly different in the african american culture, but still my name and the word "thick" have no business being together. A few weeks after that I was on a diet and mentioned that was dieting to an acquaintance. She immediately snapped and said "You aint never gonna be no Barbie so you need to get that out of your head." .....I don't even need to say how that made me feel. Then this summer I was at a friends house having some beer and his cousin randomly says that I have pretty wide hips. Like it absolutely had no relevance to our conversation whatsoever. In fact...he had just gotten done saying how his wife was actually obese and he himself is very overweight....yet he's commenting on the figure of me while I'm wearing a size 4 mini skirt??? It was just depressing. All of that really hurt, but honestly I was in such a fog all this year I didn't even process all these incidences normally. My January breakup broke my heart. It's really taken till now to care about anything again. Well in regards to the title of this post and my earlier mentioning of my overweight days. I started seeing this bag boy at my local kroger back when I was obese. I thought he was soooo cute. He reminded me of Tyson Ritter. I would always try to find a way to maybe get him to notice me, but I was invisible to him. I've seen him through the years since on and off, but somewhat rarely. Anyways he was ringing me up last week and literally fumbling over his words to impress me. It was so cute and kind of amazing. It reinforces my need to be thin. This is the first time I've seen him so interested in me and I'm the thinnest I've ever been. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together. Why would girls not choose a path of starving if the payout can be endless male attention?? That's probably been my biggest payout. It's certainly hurt me in many ways, but when it comes to boys?? never.