I haven't posted in over a week. That is because my life has been all over the place. i'm so trapped by this 100 calories that I just CAN'T do anything else at this point. I'm miserable on it most of the time. I'm weak, I'm hungry, and I'm more prone to binge whenever my will power really falls through, but I can't help it. When I eat I feel ugly and weak and pathetic and average. Starving makes me feel as close to beautiful as i'll ever feel. But eating last week was an important thing because it made me realize that I do enjoy a purely vegetable diet at least as far as eating goes.
It also made me realize that I am never binging on anything but vegetables again. Also the next time I break down and eat it will be with broccoli and not chips, ect.
The problem is that over a week ago I was binge eating alot and instead of 100 calorie dieting the binge weight off quickly I just ate a 600-1000 calorie diet of vegetables so I was just sitting on all this weight i had gained through binging.
Anyways sunday night it hit me that I wanted to get this weight back under control and that I missed 100 calorie dieting...so I started this past Monday. I'm 140 today. I'm really unhappy about that but I've been doing the diet AND going to the gym regularly. I burned 250 calories on Monday and 300+ yesterday. So I'm burning alot more than I'm taking in.
The plan this time around is that I'm not quitting 100 calories until I hit 130. I'm not sure if my will power will last and I'm really sad that I have to starve through my birthday, but I was hoping this added exercise will help me drop the weight even more quickly than 1 lb a day.
I'm sooooo close to my goals. At least I've been so close to my goals. I was 14lbs away from being underweight and I gave in. Ever since then it's taken everything to get back to this level of commitment to the plan. I've just GOT to be 130 by NEXT weekend(I should hit it by 3/5 or sooner?)
We will see.
Also thanks so much for the encouraging comment, A! btw you're such a thinspiration after seeing your blog = )
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
A New Milestone
So this revelation has been a work in progress over the past couple months. I have been juggling the same few pounds for almost two months due to my binges and 100 calorie metabolism crashes.
Between the two my weight loss has come to a screeching halt. I 've been realizing that the only way I'm going to get back to losing weight and feeling good is to start doing my old diet of around 500 calories a day. I lost weight back then and I was satisfied and I didn't cheat ever for like 4 months! it was only after I started 100 calories did I ever have a cheat day. If I can just consistently eat 300-700 calories a day as a lifestyle then I can easily be 120 by mid April and just in time for summer-y weather.
I'll let you in on part of my motivation to knuckle down and start this.
--> http://www.skinnyvscurvy.com/hot-models/selita-ebanks-eat-one-week.html#more-32988
It's because I realize eating skinny is no longer my lifestyle. Starving is my lifestyle and binges are my weekends guilt trips. Neither is healthy and both are making me miserable. Models eat skinny all the time. They may have the occasional cheat, but there is no binging and gorging.
The thing is 100 calories has been my friend for so long. It's seen me through so many days and to so many milestones... so 100 calories still has a place in my life. I want to eat around 500-ish calories a day during the week and then 100 calories on Friday/Saturday/Sunday. Now I won't always be able to swing that, but in the past I was always able to lose a couple pounds during the week by eating 500 calories and then drop 2 or 3 more on the weekends when I would eat 100 calories. The thing is I'm not going to force 100 calories on myself. If I'm motivated and wanting to do it then yay! and I'll go for it, but if I feel hungrier and less motivated then I'll stick with 500 and not beat myself up over it. Also I'm going to be working out more now so I need the extra calories in order to effectively work out.
All in all I think this plan will allow me to not only lose this weight, but get into a weight maintenance routine. Right now I have no idea how to eat normal or what eating normally even consists of but this will allow me to slowly adjust back into normalcy.
It has been sooooooooo incredibly hard for me to reach this point and there have been sooooo many tears shed over this eating disorder, but if I am able to really stick to this then right now I'm kind of seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I just really hope I can stick to this. I want to see 120 and beyond and if I just stick to this then I know I can!
I don't know what I weigh today because I binged this weekend and so I'm avoiding the scale but pre-binge I was 136.
Wish me luck....I'll need it.
Between the two my weight loss has come to a screeching halt. I 've been realizing that the only way I'm going to get back to losing weight and feeling good is to start doing my old diet of around 500 calories a day. I lost weight back then and I was satisfied and I didn't cheat ever for like 4 months! it was only after I started 100 calories did I ever have a cheat day. If I can just consistently eat 300-700 calories a day as a lifestyle then I can easily be 120 by mid April and just in time for summer-y weather.
I'll let you in on part of my motivation to knuckle down and start this.
--> http://www.skinnyvscurvy.com/hot-models/selita-ebanks-eat-one-week.html#more-32988
It's because I realize eating skinny is no longer my lifestyle. Starving is my lifestyle and binges are my weekends guilt trips. Neither is healthy and both are making me miserable. Models eat skinny all the time. They may have the occasional cheat, but there is no binging and gorging.
The thing is 100 calories has been my friend for so long. It's seen me through so many days and to so many milestones... so 100 calories still has a place in my life. I want to eat around 500-ish calories a day during the week and then 100 calories on Friday/Saturday/Sunday. Now I won't always be able to swing that, but in the past I was always able to lose a couple pounds during the week by eating 500 calories and then drop 2 or 3 more on the weekends when I would eat 100 calories. The thing is I'm not going to force 100 calories on myself. If I'm motivated and wanting to do it then yay! and I'll go for it, but if I feel hungrier and less motivated then I'll stick with 500 and not beat myself up over it. Also I'm going to be working out more now so I need the extra calories in order to effectively work out.
All in all I think this plan will allow me to not only lose this weight, but get into a weight maintenance routine. Right now I have no idea how to eat normal or what eating normally even consists of but this will allow me to slowly adjust back into normalcy.
It has been sooooooooo incredibly hard for me to reach this point and there have been sooooo many tears shed over this eating disorder, but if I am able to really stick to this then right now I'm kind of seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I just really hope I can stick to this. I want to see 120 and beyond and if I just stick to this then I know I can!
I don't know what I weigh today because I binged this weekend and so I'm avoiding the scale but pre-binge I was 136.
Wish me luck....I'll need it.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
So PROUD of myself
Okay so I'm not 137 right now but I have amazing news! After I posted about the 100 calorie thing earlier today I got in the shower and was feeling superrrr shaky. Well i started thinking about what I could eat and it was all down hill from there. I did plan my intake a little though and planned on purging it. So I ate some instant potatoes with broccoli and a home made guacamole wrap! Well I ate them and purged, but I just didn't feel like I got it all out, but I weighed myself and I was 139....I was exhausted and burst some capillaries around my eye so I quit. Well later I went to class/the grocery store/and then came home. I bought stuff to make for this organic/non-processed food kick I'm starting. Well of course I ended up eating because once i eat in a day it's pretty much down hill. I ate like 5 blackberries, and 2 cups of broccoli with mashed chick-peas(hummus essentially). Well I then went to the gym and proceeded to work out for 1hr and burnt 350 calories.
I decided to weigh myself before I showered ...just because...I can't help myself. I told myself I expected to see 141. I weighed 138! How is it possible? I have no idea but i believe in exercise whole heartedly now!. Wowwww! Super exciting!
I ate and it didn't destroy my diet because I worked it off! Now of course I intend to go back on 100 calories tomorrow, but still. Amazing! I will be 130. I will!!
I decided to weigh myself before I showered ...just because...I can't help myself. I told myself I expected to see 141. I weighed 138! How is it possible? I have no idea but i believe in exercise whole heartedly now!. Wowwww! Super exciting!
I ate and it didn't destroy my diet because I worked it off! Now of course I intend to go back on 100 calories tomorrow, but still. Amazing! I will be 130. I will!!
Same old story
I'm getting to the point where I'm simply exhausted of thinking about diet, weight, being skinny, ect. i'm just at the point where I'm un-phased by it all. I used to live for this stuff, but at least for right now I simply feel annoyed by it and resentful of the way society acts towards those subjects.
Well basically last Sunday I weighed 137 and I was starting to feel really thin again, but I just randomly got the idea that I could eat and maybe I could be normal again. I always start that conversation in my head and it never leads to anything good. The fact is I can't be normal. This eating disorder has consumed me and I won't be able to ever live without obsessing over my weight and my calorie intake. But regardless I started that whole mental conversation again and it resulted in a grocery run and a binge. On Monday I was supposed to go back on diet but the idea came to me again that I could eat normally and I started eating some broccoli in home-made guacamole. omg it was so good, but then I decided to look up the calories in an avocado. Okay I know the calories in almost any food so for me to not know the calories in that avocado is pretty insane, but once I saw I have eaten around 500 calories in that one meal I went on an all out frustration driven binge. It was ridiculous and discouraging. I did 100 calories the following day, 100 calories yesterday, and 100 calories today. You know what the crazy thing is? I didnt really think about what I was doing. I was just following a routine or procedure. Like I didn't have some big motivation fest before starting up the 100 calorie fast. This is odd to me because I know how i am and although 100 calories is a challenge at times it's usually only that way the first few days. I'm just so used to this way of life I guess that it simply came naturally?
It's been like 5 months that I've been living this way. Binge. Starve. Binge. Starve. Binge. Starve. Omg I'm so over it all.
I don't even care about weight right now....I'm just doing this all because it's how I deal with life apparently. At least being so unphased by this diet will allow me to stick to it long enough to make an impact on my weight this time. I swear this really be the last time I'm in the high 130's. I weigh 138 today so hopefully I will hit 137 tomorrow, followed by 135 on Sunday and 130 by the end of next week. I really feel certain I can hit my goal this time because I'm just into 100 calorie mode...or at least brain dead enough not to do anything different.
Oh well.
btw Katy Perry has come out saying she weighs 130 and she is 5'7/5'8. Now I realize half her weight is in her boobs and I have none(its all in my thighs), but even if I get down to 130 I don't think I will be remotely near what her body looks like. I was 134 a couple weeks ago and I was still so freakin fat!.
See you at 137.
Well basically last Sunday I weighed 137 and I was starting to feel really thin again, but I just randomly got the idea that I could eat and maybe I could be normal again. I always start that conversation in my head and it never leads to anything good. The fact is I can't be normal. This eating disorder has consumed me and I won't be able to ever live without obsessing over my weight and my calorie intake. But regardless I started that whole mental conversation again and it resulted in a grocery run and a binge. On Monday I was supposed to go back on diet but the idea came to me again that I could eat normally and I started eating some broccoli in home-made guacamole. omg it was so good, but then I decided to look up the calories in an avocado. Okay I know the calories in almost any food so for me to not know the calories in that avocado is pretty insane, but once I saw I have eaten around 500 calories in that one meal I went on an all out frustration driven binge. It was ridiculous and discouraging. I did 100 calories the following day, 100 calories yesterday, and 100 calories today. You know what the crazy thing is? I didnt really think about what I was doing. I was just following a routine or procedure. Like I didn't have some big motivation fest before starting up the 100 calorie fast. This is odd to me because I know how i am and although 100 calories is a challenge at times it's usually only that way the first few days. I'm just so used to this way of life I guess that it simply came naturally?
It's been like 5 months that I've been living this way. Binge. Starve. Binge. Starve. Binge. Starve. Omg I'm so over it all.
I don't even care about weight right now....I'm just doing this all because it's how I deal with life apparently. At least being so unphased by this diet will allow me to stick to it long enough to make an impact on my weight this time. I swear this really be the last time I'm in the high 130's. I weigh 138 today so hopefully I will hit 137 tomorrow, followed by 135 on Sunday and 130 by the end of next week. I really feel certain I can hit my goal this time because I'm just into 100 calorie mode...or at least brain dead enough not to do anything different.
Oh well.
btw Katy Perry has come out saying she weighs 130 and she is 5'7/5'8. Now I realize half her weight is in her boobs and I have none(its all in my thighs), but even if I get down to 130 I don't think I will be remotely near what her body looks like. I was 134 a couple weeks ago and I was still so freakin fat!.
See you at 137.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Day 2 Accomplished
Day two can sometimes be the hardest day back on diet and let me tell you that today was extremely difficult, but I made it. I'm 138 this evening and I'll be 137 tomorrow morning. I haven't worked out the plan for once I hit 130 yet, but I think I'm aiming for 129 and then I'll try to eat normally for three or four days and simply maintain my weight and then continue on. It seems like the only way I get progress anymore is by accepting that I have to take 2 steps forward and one step back. I used to be continually stepping forward, but I can't do it like I used to. = (
It's just my acceptance of the sad deterioration of my former self.
I know this sounds creepy but I've started to identify myself as three people. There is the real Annie and she is fun loving and happy and she laughs a ton. Then there is Fanny....and she's fat. Sometimes Fanny is happy because she is able to eat and not care, but mainly she's depressed because her clothes are tight and everyone thinks she's ugly and fat. Then there is Anna. Anna is skinny and pretty but cranky and cold. Anna only cares about 1 thing and that weight loss. Anna snaps at people easily and is a poor student.
I really want to be simply Annie again, but I feel trapped by these caricatures of my extremes and my obsession.
See you at 137.
It's just my acceptance of the sad deterioration of my former self.
I know this sounds creepy but I've started to identify myself as three people. There is the real Annie and she is fun loving and happy and she laughs a ton. Then there is Fanny....and she's fat. Sometimes Fanny is happy because she is able to eat and not care, but mainly she's depressed because her clothes are tight and everyone thinks she's ugly and fat. Then there is Anna. Anna is skinny and pretty but cranky and cold. Anna only cares about 1 thing and that weight loss. Anna snaps at people easily and is a poor student.
I really want to be simply Annie again, but I feel trapped by these caricatures of my extremes and my obsession.
See you at 137.
Starve, Eat, Sleep, Repeat
Everytime I have to come back and write that I binged I feel so ashamed. Its the post I always put off and dread having to face so I usually end up waiting till I'm a day in to the diet before I face up to everything.
So I pretty much count this week as a metabolism boosting gain but diet-self esteem crushing loss. I ate pretty much consistently since last Saturday night...that is until yesterday when my diet resumed. I haven't been able to look in the mirror because I've been afraid of what I would see, but when I finally did my reflection was pretty bad. My stomach is sticking out...I feel like I can barely see my hip bones...my thighs feel like they can't stop rubbing eachother....and then I decided to do the dreaded weigh in this morning and check the damage. I have always been able to eye my weight...like usually by looking in the mirror I can guess my weight spot on. I guessed that I weigh 143-145. I weighed 139. Wow. My metabolism boost had obviously leveled off the calorie intake, but I can't believe how little I know my own body these days! Like I was completely and totally off....which tells me that my perception of myself is totally and completely off and WRONG! I must not look like I think I do because there was a time when I felt thin at 139....and I remember thinking I was so skinny. Now I don't see it at all....at all.
That really scared me. I just feel reminded of how much this has affected my head. I know being like 5 pounds off doesn't seem like alot, but I've never been that wrong...I'm never even usually wrong. period.
Well its a good thing that I'm 139 rather than 145, but anyways....that means i'm shooting for 137 tomorrow. I know I can drop a good bit the first few days back on diet andddd I'm retaining so...yea.
I'm really struggling and I don't know why it's so hard to get myself back on diet, but it's crucial that I do right now before any more damage is done.
Wish me luck...I so hate being back at square one.
So I pretty much count this week as a metabolism boosting gain but diet-self esteem crushing loss. I ate pretty much consistently since last Saturday night...that is until yesterday when my diet resumed. I haven't been able to look in the mirror because I've been afraid of what I would see, but when I finally did my reflection was pretty bad. My stomach is sticking out...I feel like I can barely see my hip bones...my thighs feel like they can't stop rubbing eachother....and then I decided to do the dreaded weigh in this morning and check the damage. I have always been able to eye my weight...like usually by looking in the mirror I can guess my weight spot on. I guessed that I weigh 143-145. I weighed 139. Wow. My metabolism boost had obviously leveled off the calorie intake, but I can't believe how little I know my own body these days! Like I was completely and totally off....which tells me that my perception of myself is totally and completely off and WRONG! I must not look like I think I do because there was a time when I felt thin at 139....and I remember thinking I was so skinny. Now I don't see it at all....at all.
That really scared me. I just feel reminded of how much this has affected my head. I know being like 5 pounds off doesn't seem like alot, but I've never been that wrong...I'm never even usually wrong. period.
Well its a good thing that I'm 139 rather than 145, but anyways....that means i'm shooting for 137 tomorrow. I know I can drop a good bit the first few days back on diet andddd I'm retaining so...yea.
I'm really struggling and I don't know why it's so hard to get myself back on diet, but it's crucial that I do right now before any more damage is done.
Wish me luck...I so hate being back at square one.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Long and Lonely Road
Lets recap.
On Saturday I weighed 134. I just maintained and I just had this gut feeling that was going to happen. I was really disappointed but determined to carry on with the diet regardless because I felt like it might just be water weight. Well I went to work and when I returned home I was 135....for NO reason. i was so annoyed....So annoyed. I had anticipated it though so I went downstairs to my kitchen and began to eat. It was so nice and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
The next day I decided to eat as well, but I was just going to eat around 1200 calories and the purpose was to boost my metabolism. Well I ate alot more than that, but still probably not more than 3500. I felt horrible though. Really fat and disgusting and depressed. I was desperate to get back on diet. The next day I started back, but for some strange reason....I wasn't in the game. I was resisting the diet. I know the first two days are the hardest so I don't know why an experienced dieter like myself was actually struggling. I cheated Monday night and I was at the lowest low. I also did the one thing you should never do during a binge. I weighed myself. i was 140. 140!!!!!!!!!!! I was 134 only two days before! I managed to gain a weeks worth of weight loss in 2 days! Its true weight gain too because I can see it everywhere. My arms are bigger...my legs are bigger...my stomachs definitely not where it was AT ALLLLL. Just extremely depressing.
I did my 100 calorie diet the following day(Tuesday...which was yesterday) and I felt soooooo depressed all day. I mean truly low. I felt dirty, embarrassed, ashamed, and like I was dead inside all in one. i couldn't do things like look at thin celebrities or anything I normally do because I was too ashamed.
I'm finally feeling slightly back to normal, but still this whole experience has been to traumatic because I was in my highest high of happiness and then it was immediately contrasted by almost my lowest low.
I weigh 139 today. I will say....It's nice to know that my horrible scary high weight is still within the 130's. Thats kind of comforting. I know I can take the next 9 pounds off. I know I can hit 130! If my body would cooperate with me and drop the weight as quickly as it normally has the I know I could hit any goal I set my mind to, but my metabolism is always the issue. Here's where I have some exciting news. I hate exercise, butttt I know it's the one thing standing between me and my dream body. Exercise is the next step in attaining the body I've always wanted. My Dad bought my entire family gym memberships! So I now have access to all kinds of equipment and a family full of people making sure I get my butt over there to use it. = ) So hopefully if I am working out for like an hour a day and doing my 100 calories then I can knock this weight off even quicker.
Well until tomorrow.
On Saturday I weighed 134. I just maintained and I just had this gut feeling that was going to happen. I was really disappointed but determined to carry on with the diet regardless because I felt like it might just be water weight. Well I went to work and when I returned home I was 135....for NO reason. i was so annoyed....So annoyed. I had anticipated it though so I went downstairs to my kitchen and began to eat. It was so nice and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
The next day I decided to eat as well, but I was just going to eat around 1200 calories and the purpose was to boost my metabolism. Well I ate alot more than that, but still probably not more than 3500. I felt horrible though. Really fat and disgusting and depressed. I was desperate to get back on diet. The next day I started back, but for some strange reason....I wasn't in the game. I was resisting the diet. I know the first two days are the hardest so I don't know why an experienced dieter like myself was actually struggling. I cheated Monday night and I was at the lowest low. I also did the one thing you should never do during a binge. I weighed myself. i was 140. 140!!!!!!!!!!! I was 134 only two days before! I managed to gain a weeks worth of weight loss in 2 days! Its true weight gain too because I can see it everywhere. My arms are bigger...my legs are bigger...my stomachs definitely not where it was AT ALLLLL. Just extremely depressing.
I did my 100 calorie diet the following day(Tuesday...which was yesterday) and I felt soooooo depressed all day. I mean truly low. I felt dirty, embarrassed, ashamed, and like I was dead inside all in one. i couldn't do things like look at thin celebrities or anything I normally do because I was too ashamed.
I'm finally feeling slightly back to normal, but still this whole experience has been to traumatic because I was in my highest high of happiness and then it was immediately contrasted by almost my lowest low.
I weigh 139 today. I will say....It's nice to know that my horrible scary high weight is still within the 130's. Thats kind of comforting. I know I can take the next 9 pounds off. I know I can hit 130! If my body would cooperate with me and drop the weight as quickly as it normally has the I know I could hit any goal I set my mind to, but my metabolism is always the issue. Here's where I have some exciting news. I hate exercise, butttt I know it's the one thing standing between me and my dream body. Exercise is the next step in attaining the body I've always wanted. My Dad bought my entire family gym memberships! So I now have access to all kinds of equipment and a family full of people making sure I get my butt over there to use it. = ) So hopefully if I am working out for like an hour a day and doing my 100 calories then I can knock this weight off even quicker.
Well until tomorrow.
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