Snow

It's snowing heavily. This is about the thickest snowfall I've seen in years here. I love winter weather. I love the cold. I love dreary days. I love rain. I always say I come alive this time of year. I think it's because I'm often depressed. I've had depression most of my life. Also I'm naturally very pale. So I think this time of year just agrees with me. There is something so obnoxious about summer to me. It's annoying how happy everyone gets about it. It's annoying how bright the sun is....and it's annoying how everyone flaunts their toned, tan bodies as much as possible. I guess I'm weird, but I almost get some sort of sick pleasure out of people being miserable in the winter. It's like "ha-ha ....now you all have to be as miserable as I always am." lol Isn't that quite a weird, pathetic thing to think?? I went running last night again. I ran for 25min and let me just tell you....I want to die today. I'm so sore!! Like any movement is exhausting. I knew I would weigh more today because I haven't been peeing much and I ate alot more yesterday w/o any bowel movements. I felt good about my intake yesterday, but I know I definitely could drop a few pounds if I used the restroom. I'm so bloated atm. I weighed 132. Which I don't even feel phased by because it's exactly what I predicted I would weigh given this lack of bathroom usage. I had off the past 2 days and it was soooo lovely. I seriously get my stomach all in knots thinking about going into work today. I hate this job so much. I hate the people. I hate the customers. I hate it all. I just want to be in an office....working on tasks and in solitude. I am about to work 8 days straight...6 of which are closing shifts which mean that I have to work till 10pm or later 6 of those days. :( In a way it's sort of good because I'll be so tired from a lack of days off that I don't think I could manage going into work any earlier than 1pm everyday. I work retail btw. I'm an HR manager for a retail store. Anyways ....until next time...

They'll like me if I'm thinner...

I don't know why, but I've been plagued by this thought my entire life. My whole life I've found myself blaming my weight for all my problems. In middle school I was convinced that my crush would love me if I came into youth group meetings as a totally beautiful skinny girl. In high school I was convinced that all these girls would be my friend and guys would adore me if I was skinny. I never thought about my personality or my intelligence. I guess I assumed I was acceptable in most ways...except for the weight. I even thought my Dad would finally be proud of me if I was skinny and pretty. I believed the same for my mom....although I always felt she approved of me pretty much regardless. I think I spent my whole life believing that once I hit this certain weight then suddenly magic would happen and everyone would love me. Everyone would want to be my friend. Everyone would love to talk to me, to listen to me, and I would have to beat away the guys on a daily basis. When you spend your whole life convinced that your weight is the root of ALL your problems and that if you lose enough everything will be perfect....it's really hard to accept the fact that life doesn't work that way. I think I'm a really sad, lonely person who feels totally rejected by just about everyone, but I'm "skinny" now.... People constantly say I'm gorgeous. I get compliments from guys daily and sometimes even when I'm with my mother. A few weeks ago a co worker said I had the most perfect face. I reached my huge goal of becoming 130lbs and all people do is comment on how thin I am and how I shouldn't lose anymore.....but yet I still believe they'll all magically like me if I get to 120. Right now I feel like no one likes me at my work....they all talk about me behind my back. My boss is flat out hateful to me. I'm single. I haven't had even a date in almost a year. My friends have basically all drifted away from me expect for 2.....and I rarely get to see them. I still live at home. My parents still shelter me and I still have a million rules even though I'm 23. I just feel so pathetic. If just one thing was going right in my life I think I could manage, but everything seems so bleak and unbearable. Diet seems to be the only thing that comforts me. It's "safe" and "familiar" territory. I guess in another way I also feel like as long as everyone hates me they might as well hate me for being ridiculously thin and beautiful too. = ) later.....

Thoughts that lurk....

So I'm back.... I'm not sure what to say... My last post was all about how I was recovered so I'm a bit embarrassed to be posting right now, but I guess the ED thoughts never fully go away and I recently surrendered to them again. I'm 129lbs right now. It's kind of funny but when I initially set out to lose all this weight so many years ago, my goal was 130. Even when I hit 130 it wasn't really that big of a deal. It's like while I never want to be gaining weight....the low numbers seem to mean less and less all the time. I always feel fat. I will always feel fat. I will always feel inferior. I will always feel I'm not good enough. So I've realized that the low number isn't going to magically change that. I've always said that if I just hit X number of pounds then everything would be good, but then I get to that goal and I'm still unhappy. All that being said ...I still believe life will be a little better if I get to 120. At least when I get there I'll be underweight....finally. Can you believe I use to be literally obese on the BMI scale and now I'm closing in on underweight?? It is kind of amazing. There are so many things that people say stimulate eating disorders and I find so many of these things are present in my life. Here's a little background on what my life has been like since I last wrote. Summer 2011 I got really into working out and really tried to invest all my efforts into being super fit and healthy rather than starving. The truth is that working out relieved a little bit of the eating anxiety that I had, but in some ways I just started manifesting my ED issues in the workout stuff. I was obsessive. I worked out almost 2hrs everyday. I still weighed myself alot just not AS obsessively. I got down to 135lbs eating a balanced diet and working out, but when school started I had less time for the 2hr workouts and my diet wasn't as strict. I got to about 147 and felt pretty down about it, but nothing like I would have a year earlier. I ran my first half marathon around that time and the next day I met the boy of my dreams. I started starving and quickly got down to 135 in a matter of 2 weeks. I didn't realize it at the time, but he was my first love. He was a model and sooooo beautiful. I felt like maybe he was my reward for all the hard work I'd put in the past 2 years. After dating a couple months he ended up cheating on me....and dumping me for a girl who was actually heavier than me, with a short butch hair cut, and rocker tattoos all over. lol It's funny now, but trust me....at the time it was devastating. It's weird because she was almost everything I was avoiding my whole life because I thought being the pretty, preppy, skinny blonde was what was going to land me my dream guy. Turns out it's what made me lose him. I honestly think he had self esteem issues and I think I unintentionally made him feel bad about himself. Well enough about that. In all that mess I also ended up graduating from college. = ) I struggled looking for work and maintained around 140 this entire time. 140 is a weight my body naturally seems to gravitate towards. If I eat the way I'm naturally inclined to given my current habits then I think I would stay 140 for life. But I have never liked that number. Despite wanting to lose more it seemed like i could never get below 134. 134 was like the equivelent of some video game level that you can never pass. lol Sorry for the nerdy analogy, but thats what it always makes me think of. Several weeks ago i felt my eating was out of control....I felt so fat and I decided to muster up some courage to weigh myself and take back control of the situation. When I weighed myself I was thinking worst case scenario I'm 146. I weighed 138. For some reasons my major diet always start with some unitentional weight loss. It's like seeing that I'm at a "happy" number without even trying makes me get competitive and say...."Wonder what I can do if I try??" Before I knew it I was on a crazy strict ED type diet. I was depressed, moody, exhausted, weak.....and I loved it. That's the thing about the ED....it's like there is some sort of sick joy in all that pain. I associate all that with being thin and pretty...so in some weird way I enjoy it. I hit 128 the day of this big family get together.....I was really weak ...emotionally and physically. I felt certain I was going to lose control that day and I did. My "binge" was actually not bad whatsoever, but I weighed in the next day at 133. Being experienced with all this I wasn't shocked.....I have waivered a bit getting back on track with the diet, but it's been about 2 weeks since then and I've been maintaining 130. = )This morning I weighed in at 129. I can put that down to 2 things. 1. I ate around 600ish calories yesterday and 2. I ran 2 miles and burnt 120 calories on the elliptical. I ate pretty much exactly what I wanted yesterday. The trick is that I've trained my wants. I crave healthier foods naturally now. I did allow myself one cookie and that's the other thing... if I have a little bit of the unhealthy stuff here and there I don't go into a psychotic binge. This is a diet I can maintain and I'm dead set on hitting 120 and beyond. I think 115 sounds like a good number. I know a major part of this whole diet thing has been brought on by my work life. I'm miserable in my current job. I hate it. I hate my co workers.... But I have no ability to leave. Currently there are just no better options. I think this work situation has left me feeling out of control and therefore I'm just grasping for anything I can control.....this is what I do best. Dieting is what I do best. .....Until next time.