On one hand I can't believe it's my 100th post, but on the other hand I can ...regardless it totally makes sense because my issues have definitely come full circle. I think I'm finally back in a place where eating 100-800 calories is doable and I don't have to go into binge mode.
To be honest I ate 700 calories today, but it was a fairly thought out planned 700 and the only thing "bingy" was a 200 calorie cup of cereal. I REFUSEEEEE to guilt trip myself over eating something like 700 calories because it's the guilt that leads me to binge. I do it to myself everytime. I bought a book on eating disorders over spring break...and while I can't think of the title right now there was a life changing quote in there:
"Being unable to understand why one feels guilty is so unsettling that it can lead a person to do something bad so that she can at last attribute her guilt to a specific behavior."
Its like the page was screaming those words at me when I read it. Its weird because I still don't know how deeply this applies to me, but on a more surface level I think that logic plays into alot of my binging. I feel like I've sinned when I eat over 100 calories and therefore I pretty much "bask" in my sin in order to justify the guilt.
Well I'm not doing away with 100 calories...obviously as you can tell from my last post, but I'm not killing myself mentally if I eat more and I'm refusing to binge. I will NOT eat over 1000 calories until I am 125...this I swear. Now...on certain occassion I may choose to bundle my calorie usage for the day in order to indulge in a special treat, but the amount of total calories I consume in a day is never allowed to surpass 1000 and really I'm going to call 800 entering the "red zone".
I am 145. This means I have 20 pounds to lose. I can do this. I can so do it. If I just consistently diet I think I can lose 3-4 pounds a week using my methods...I'm going to make a goal of being 130lbs by the time my school lets out for summer break. That means by the end of the 1st week in May I should be 130. If I keep up my diet consistently over a months time it should be so habitual that I don't have to consider whether I'll be able to get down to 125 and below because it will just be my way of life.
I just pray nothing happens to make me slip up.
= )
Hooray for hitting 100! See you at 101! ; )
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Ballooned
Its hard to believe that in the early part of February I was 134 pounds and feeling so great about my weight loss...and then to think that somewhere in the course of 2 months I managed to gain 15 pounds. I weigh 149 right now....Can you believe it? This isn't me...I think part of the reason that I haven't completely lost my mind right now is because I just don't feel like I could really have put on 15 pounds....it just seems so unreal. I remember swearing I would never see the 140's again and now I'm almost 150! Actually I am 150 with any liquids in me at this point.
I just keep reminding myself it will be okay because I'm back on 100 calories. I can see a difference in my appearance....I am noticeably bigger, but it's okay...I will get my weight back down. I will be 130. I will.
Because from my greatest failures have come my greatest weight losses. It was hitting 147 in January that spurred me down to 134 the last time. So I know its only a matter of time. Mentally I'm so over food. Like its really not an option for me to eat at this point because I'm so serious about getting my weight back down. In 2 weeks I can be well within the 130's again so I'm trying not to stress myself out too much about everything, but this situation is not pleasant and mark my words....THIS ISSSS THE LAST TIME I SEE THE 140'S. Theres no holding back this round...I'm pushing this time till I hit 130. I will hit 130.
One thing I have to change is the binges. Thats what gets me everytime because it causes me to balloon several pounds...but I always justify them saying that they are necessary in order to boost my metabolism back up...and that they are, but in an ideal situation I would simply eat a bowl of broccoli and a couple salads one day in order to boost my metabolism...not go insane on chips, cereal, and other crap food. That is what has to be different this time. I have to follow a strict plan that covers the metabolism issues and the 100 calorie days. A good strict month of dieting ought to do it for me. If I can develop an eating plan I can stick to that balances period of starvation with periods of forgiving metabolism boosts then I know I can be any weight I want to be. I lost sight of my goals to be sickeningly thin, but I have regained focus. I'm in it to win it.
= )
I just keep reminding myself it will be okay because I'm back on 100 calories. I can see a difference in my appearance....I am noticeably bigger, but it's okay...I will get my weight back down. I will be 130. I will.
Because from my greatest failures have come my greatest weight losses. It was hitting 147 in January that spurred me down to 134 the last time. So I know its only a matter of time. Mentally I'm so over food. Like its really not an option for me to eat at this point because I'm so serious about getting my weight back down. In 2 weeks I can be well within the 130's again so I'm trying not to stress myself out too much about everything, but this situation is not pleasant and mark my words....THIS ISSSS THE LAST TIME I SEE THE 140'S. Theres no holding back this round...I'm pushing this time till I hit 130. I will hit 130.
One thing I have to change is the binges. Thats what gets me everytime because it causes me to balloon several pounds...but I always justify them saying that they are necessary in order to boost my metabolism back up...and that they are, but in an ideal situation I would simply eat a bowl of broccoli and a couple salads one day in order to boost my metabolism...not go insane on chips, cereal, and other crap food. That is what has to be different this time. I have to follow a strict plan that covers the metabolism issues and the 100 calorie days. A good strict month of dieting ought to do it for me. If I can develop an eating plan I can stick to that balances period of starvation with periods of forgiving metabolism boosts then I know I can be any weight I want to be. I lost sight of my goals to be sickeningly thin, but I have regained focus. I'm in it to win it.
= )
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Weak
I'm on days three of my 100 calories+ jello. Omg I'm so tired and weak.
I've had four tests in the past couple days and 2 papers...one of which was 9 pages long. I did all this on around 400 calories.
I'm mentally and physically at my limit and even right now I'm supposed to be studying. If I can just make it to 10pm tonight(when my last class lets out) then I know I'll be ok.
I will say that cheating hasn't really been an issue this time around. It's like God has granted me the willpower to make it this time. I just have to keep going on this diet. I don't know how I'll do it, but I have to stay strong until next Thursday. Maybe then I can cheat a little, but not a binge for sure. I think I'll do ok this time because it will be hard to binge with my friend here with me ....she'll be with me at all times so she'll know if I am eating an embarrassing amount.
Anyways my intake today has been about 130 calories. I had toast and some jello.
Until next time.
I've had four tests in the past couple days and 2 papers...one of which was 9 pages long. I did all this on around 400 calories.
I'm mentally and physically at my limit and even right now I'm supposed to be studying. If I can just make it to 10pm tonight(when my last class lets out) then I know I'll be ok.
I will say that cheating hasn't really been an issue this time around. It's like God has granted me the willpower to make it this time. I just have to keep going on this diet. I don't know how I'll do it, but I have to stay strong until next Thursday. Maybe then I can cheat a little, but not a binge for sure. I think I'll do ok this time because it will be hard to binge with my friend here with me ....she'll be with me at all times so she'll know if I am eating an embarrassing amount.
Anyways my intake today has been about 130 calories. I had toast and some jello.
Until next time.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The turn around and lightening up
This is going to be short. Basically after my last post I did the jello day and that entire day I was incredibly cranky. I mean like I was seriously on the verge of hurtign someone the entire day. I ended the day by cheating with a cup of cereal. I still consider my jello day to have been completed because it was after midnight when I had the cereal(I know thats worse). Anyways the next day I binged and I ate till it hurt to move....I then practically crawled to my room and purged up most of it. I burst soooooo many capillaries around my eyes it was embarrassing. The next day I woke up and just felt completely unmotivated and binged again....just never to the unmovable point. I knew I was going to go back on diet on Monday and like always I was dreading it and looking forward to it all at once. I've just been super discouraged because I'm steadily gaining weight and I'm not having enough 100 calorie days to counter these binges. Well it occurred to me that the reason I'm failing is because I'm having an all of nothing mentality. Like if I can't do my hundred calories then I'm just going to binge. Well I've got to lighten up. So yesterday I had my toast and then I allowed myself jello. I ended up having 200 calories total, but I wasn't cranky and I can tell I'm thinner today. I'm going to keep up this 100 calories+jello thing until Thursday and then I'm going to weigh myself. I want to see what I weigh on thursday, but I figure it will be 140-ish. From their I think i'll be motivated by my own weight loss and scale success to diet without the jello, but if not then thats okay too. I've just got to get well within the 130's before next Thursday because my friend is coming in for Spring Break and I want to be as thin as possible for when she gets here.
I will say that i feel extremely confident about my diet right now. Like I am feeling motivated and like I can handle this....I can't make any promises because I've been one failure after another i realize, but we'll see.
Here's some thinspo that's been inspiring me. Hopefully it'll help you all too!
I will say that i feel extremely confident about my diet right now. Like I am feeling motivated and like I can handle this....I can't make any promises because I've been one failure after another i realize, but we'll see.
Here's some thinspo that's been inspiring me. Hopefully it'll help you all too!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Rock Bottom
The one good thing about rock bottom is that things can only get better once you hit it. The bad thing is that hitting rock bottom doesn't mean that you suddenly spring up from it....sometimes you stay down there for a while before you muster the strength to start climbing back up.
Well as you can probably assume I have fallen off the weight wagon. I'm at 143 and I'm extremely depressed and discouraged....I think for at least a few days I lost all faith in myself and I was comfort eating the pain away. Its ironic because the food is what brings this pain in the first place. Eating disorders are so complex. That's one of the hardest things I think for people dealing with one....its the fact that unless you've been here you can't possibly understand all the different emotions and thoughts surrounding the food. That's what adds to the depression because the person with the eating feels so misunderstood by others ...and frankly there is nothing more lonely and scary then feeling like no one understands what you're going through.
On that note I have to apologize for not being on blogger lately to comment/encourage any followers. I'm sorry! I know you all have struggles to and I feel bad I haven't been around to drop a word of encouragement. I just haven't been able to face blogger because I've been overwhelmed with guilt.
Yesterday I just hit that point where I'm sick of people looking at me not losing weight and I'm sick of not being thin and I'm sick of eating frankly. Theres nothing more satisfying then looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing progress...AND when you do eat again....food tastes sooo much better after you've been starving for days/weeks. Its like all the flavour is enhanced. I miss feeling weak and powerful all at the same time. It's a high like no other.
On a personal note....this week I had my birthday. Worst birthday in years... I know I've been unfriendly/cranky/rude to my friends lately, but i'm going through a rough period and I'm so depressed....But I guess they all decided to hold my quiet demeanour of late against me because none of them even said happy birthday to me. Let me also add that two of these people in particular I spent alot on for their birthdays and they didn't even take a second to say happy birthday??? I sent them cards, texted them, and wrote on their FB's, and bought them gifts! and they couldn't even say happy birthday to me??? I've never said anything cross to them....at my worst I've been quiet and simply kept to myself lately. I guess you learn who your real friends are. Well I learned I have none.
The crazy thing is...I don't care anymore if I have friends. I don't care if anyone likes me period. I just want to be skinny. I'm giving up on all my relationships and fully investing myself in this battle to be thin. The skinny beautiful girl doesn't have to be nice for people to want her anyways.
Well thats all for now.
I ate 100 calories yesterday, but today and for the rest of the weekend I'm only eating 20 calories of jello a day. I just want to power through the next few pounds.
Todays intake:
2 sugar free jello cups: 20 Cal
Well as you can probably assume I have fallen off the weight wagon. I'm at 143 and I'm extremely depressed and discouraged....I think for at least a few days I lost all faith in myself and I was comfort eating the pain away. Its ironic because the food is what brings this pain in the first place. Eating disorders are so complex. That's one of the hardest things I think for people dealing with one....its the fact that unless you've been here you can't possibly understand all the different emotions and thoughts surrounding the food. That's what adds to the depression because the person with the eating feels so misunderstood by others ...and frankly there is nothing more lonely and scary then feeling like no one understands what you're going through.
On that note I have to apologize for not being on blogger lately to comment/encourage any followers. I'm sorry! I know you all have struggles to and I feel bad I haven't been around to drop a word of encouragement. I just haven't been able to face blogger because I've been overwhelmed with guilt.
Yesterday I just hit that point where I'm sick of people looking at me not losing weight and I'm sick of not being thin and I'm sick of eating frankly. Theres nothing more satisfying then looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing progress...AND when you do eat again....food tastes sooo much better after you've been starving for days/weeks. Its like all the flavour is enhanced. I miss feeling weak and powerful all at the same time. It's a high like no other.
On a personal note....this week I had my birthday. Worst birthday in years... I know I've been unfriendly/cranky/rude to my friends lately, but i'm going through a rough period and I'm so depressed....But I guess they all decided to hold my quiet demeanour of late against me because none of them even said happy birthday to me. Let me also add that two of these people in particular I spent alot on for their birthdays and they didn't even take a second to say happy birthday??? I sent them cards, texted them, and wrote on their FB's, and bought them gifts! and they couldn't even say happy birthday to me??? I've never said anything cross to them....at my worst I've been quiet and simply kept to myself lately. I guess you learn who your real friends are. Well I learned I have none.
The crazy thing is...I don't care anymore if I have friends. I don't care if anyone likes me period. I just want to be skinny. I'm giving up on all my relationships and fully investing myself in this battle to be thin. The skinny beautiful girl doesn't have to be nice for people to want her anyways.
Well thats all for now.
I ate 100 calories yesterday, but today and for the rest of the weekend I'm only eating 20 calories of jello a day. I just want to power through the next few pounds.
Todays intake:
2 sugar free jello cups: 20 Cal
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