Slowly but surely

This weight just realllllly doesn't want to move. It is now technically Tuesday and the last day of August....even though I'm still awake and feeling like it's Monday night. Monday I weighed in at 170lbs which was a number I maintained from Sunday also. So I have lost about 2o pounds since a month ago. I feel proud, but I'm stressed.....this weight is just coming off soooooo slowly. It just makes life inconvenient for a million reasons. I don't need to be stuck in between sizes for long periods of time. I want to be able to drop it so I can get into clothes that not only fit, but fit my in shape body. I am about a size 10 now. I can't imagine what my body looked like at a size 16!!!! (woah....upon having that thought I went back to some pictures I had taken of myself in February and WOW!!!!!!!!! I WAS HUGE!!!!!!! when I get to my first goal of 130 I will take photos for this page and show the before and after.....trust me....there will be some serious thinspo!!)

Back to being a size 10....I feel like even though that is smaller than the average...I am overwhelmed by blubber and fat. I can just pull the fat around my stomach....i can't imagine being fatter....or feeling okay at this weight. This is so weird....i really felt like looking at old pics like that might discourage me, but actually I feel really motivated and even more determined to distance myself from that depressing creature. I can't wait to get a new profile picture in a couple months when I'm at my skinny weight and surprise everyone who has always been secretly laughing at me. Won't they all feel dumb now?? I know exactly how I'll pose too. I want the photo to showcase my long legs and how spidery my limbs will be when I'm super skinny. I'll wear a black turtleneck and black leggings while doing some sort of ballet pose of sorts......I know I have mentioned the girl i went to England with before on this blog....her name was Robin for those who haven't read those entries...and she always used to make comments about my weight and I know she felt she was so much prettier and better than me....She can't lose her weight...she doesn't have the control and will power I do....I can't wait to blow away her and every other person thats ever made me feel less than.

Lately my diet has consisted of next to nothing. I eat two pieces of toast with peanut butter and sugar free jelly spread veryyyyy lightly.

2 pieces of bread - 70 cal

PB+J- 50

= 120 calories

Spinach- 10cal

Dressing- 60

190 calories total

Its crazy but I feel like I was a pig even on less then 200 calories....Sometimes my mentality about this whole thing is so obsessive I worry even myself....and I'm the one who is so gung ho on this diet.

I hope my diet provides some inspiration to people....so far I've lost 20 pounds but since January I've lost 30 pounds.....I have 40 more to lose.

It's sad to think I'm not even halfway there! When I get to the 150's it will get easier I know.

The Ana Affect

Well....today has been weird. I don't know...I'm just all over the place. One minute I feel on top of the world and the next I'm in the depths of despair. This week has been hard because school started back and it's just shaping up to be a difficult semester, but really I think I would handling all that much better if I wasn't suffering from starvation. My mind doesn't work....and it's like the only thing I want to do is figure up how much longer I have until I'll be thin and wonder what people will think. Today was scary though....I've had just under 100 calories today and I've realized my ED is reallllllly being affected by my competitive and obsessive ways. It's like everyday i have to top the day before...So naturally 100 calories was the result of topping the 200 calories I ate yesterday. I just don't feel like I have strength for that tomorrow. I was going to fast and at the very least my ABC diet has me eating 100 calories tomorrow. Tomorrow I work and I'm not sure I can do everything on 100 calories....I'm thinking of allowing myself to have 200 instead considering the fact that I did 100 today instead. I know regardless of what i eat tomorrow I am going to feel ashamed and depressed for anything I put in my mouth. I'm soooooooooo scared of eating! I want it soooo bad, but I don't want all this work to be for nothing....I know the moment I eat I am going to cry and I will be forced to learn how to purge at that point. Despite the fact that I have purged once before...I know bulimia isn't something I can do....food is associated with such shame for me that I wouldn't be able to binge in order to purge.

I guess I've been so wrapped up in this mental struggle I've kind of forgotten the numbers game....I was 172 this morning. = ) I was happy and i suppose I still should be but I need to see a new set of "10" in order to feel a necessary boost of motivation I desperately need.

My sister made this pepper and corn thing in the frying pan...In all likely hood it was probably very low fat but obviously I couldn't eat it....but I'm so hungry and weak today that I rubbed a spoon in it and licked the barely there moistness off the spoon. It didn't have a sauce or anything...I could just faintly taste some salt and that was nice.

Basically besides that lick I had a cup of broccoli and 2 fat free croutons. I feel like this all totals around 90 calories. Obviously I drank alot of tea to suppress hunger, but other then that I had nothing.

I just wish I was skinnier and I wouldn't feel so much pressure to not eat whatsoever.

Anyways...I guess thats all I really have to say today.

Confession

I hate to lie, but apparently I have. I couldn't do the water and grape diet! I woke up this morning feeling ROUGHHHH. I was actually fearful that I could pass out (which I am pretty much just waiting for....because it's coming I know) and that would be really inconvenient because of how hectic my schedule is right now. I'm taking 21 credits and working about 20 hours a week and I live an hour from school and work and both are in opposite directions...so basically I just run all day. Anyways so I just knew I didn't have the strength. I find that as long as I get one decent "meal" in I can go pretty strong the whole day....which is great! So all I ate today was this potatoe and bean "Steamer" which was 200 calories! I feel proud....because according to the ABC diet I am still following since the grape thing fell through...I came 100 calories under the plan! Holla! = )

Anyways I had a very BADDDDDD day and I was near tears this evening frustrated with school and weight loss(the lack of...despite all my efforts). So I was having a rant about everything to my mom and in the midst of it I decided to go weigh myself and to my surprise I weighed 173!!! I can't say thats anything official because I didn't weigh myself at my regular weigh in time(morning), but I was so proud to see that number considering that I was able to break the 174 barrier thats been holding me up for OVER a week now!!!!

That one pound changed my life haha Really though that was so motivating!! Even the tiniest weight loss can motivate to new levels!

One thing that really helped me today was drinking tea all day and I can tell that will realllllllly help during fasting days. It just makes me feel so full....unlike plain water which sometimes makes me feel emptier for some reason.

I am 9 pounds from a healthy weight....I guess I could be a little happy at 164 knowing that everything I lose from there is kind of like "gravy"...for lack of a better word.

Ohhh I did want to recommend something...Almond Milk! I've been a vegetarian for years now and just this year I've been trying to work myself into being vegan, but its been pretty hard because of my love of dairy. Anyways not only is almond milk reallly good...much better then soy milk, but it has sooo few calories. Just 60 calories for a cup. I never have a full cup, but anyways...just thought I'd share that.

Lastly...It would really be nice to have a "buddy" I could text about the usual Ana stuff no one else gets. I think it would be really fun and motivating = )

Detox

Okay so I hate to give up on a diet so soon after starting, but I don't consider this really quitting. As you know I started the ABC diet yesterday and I had 500 calories yesterday as the diet requires. Today I had 400....I know it says I can have up to 500, but I'm havign a hard time allowing myself to eat. I just feel so upset and guilty whenever I do. No matter what I eat I feel depressed for having eaten. Only when I'm not eating and starving do I feel happy and in control.

Obviously very typical feelings.

So back to why I'm "quitting" the ABC diet...well I need to detox I think. This is going to be kind of disgusting so feel free to stop reading if you want. Okay so basically my bowels don't move much these days and I think it's because I don't eat very much but also because I think I'm a little constipated. I feel like this has alot to do with the lack of movement on the scale. So tomorrow I'm starting a grape and water diet. Its not only going to help clear me out, but I should lose some serious weight on it and I hear it has weird cures....apparently it cured a woman's cancer. So this diet lasts 5 days. I'm honestly wondering how this is going to work. I mean I don't eat very much at all, but to not eat anything but grapes is an entirely different proposition. Anyways I'll be sure to keep the blog posted on my results of the diet in case anyone wants to try in the future.

As far as my weight goes. I mentioned that last week I hit 174lbs and the next day I shot up to 176lbs for no reason. Seriously I barely eat....I can't understand why I gained, but I sustained that weight until yesterday when I dropped to 175lbs. It's like the scale won't acknowledge I'm practically killing myself trying to lose weight, but my body on the other hand seems rough lately. I'm ALWAYS cold....I already have anemia and the dieting has made it worse. I use heat in my car and it's in the 80's here. = O

I have bruises all over my body....I ache all the time...I'm constantly exhausted....I have huge dark circles under my eyes and my clothes aren't fitting anymore....but still the scale denies me all I really want. I just want that number to go down!!!!!!!! I was supposed to be in the low 160's by the end of the month....fat chance now. I just feel so far from my goals. I have 45lbs to lose and with this weight not budging in over a week....It just makes me wonder if I'll ever get there.

I've also been thinking about bulimia. One time in high school during a flair up of my ed I decided to make myself throw up after a binge and I succeeded....barely. I'm just not good at it. I think it's because I'm so afraid. Anorexia feels safe....I have control right now and I don't have to deal with too many negative side affects unlike true bulimics. Honestly its just nice to not have buy food. As long as I'm not eating there isn't much to buy. There is so much expense involved with bulimia and then theres the teeth issue....I don't even drink my tea or coffee without a straw. Besides I just don't know if I would like the idea of eating so much...I think it would make me panicky. The reason I even bring it up is because despite the fact that I am so deeply involved in this diet ...I'm just wondering what might happen if one day I snap and start eating??? what do I do??? I'm going to have to purge. I'll have to. I hope I don't get to that point, but I'm sure this is the same thought process most people have gone through.

I guess I'm off for now.... = |

Undefeated

Today I was excited to get on the scales only to see that I am STILL at the same weight I've pretty much maintained ALLLLLL week! It makes no sense! I barely eat 400 calories a day and I can't lose anything???! It's got to be starvation mode. I was really annoyed but then I realized I didn't care toooooo much because its not about the numbers anymore....its about my hatred of food....I'm not tempted by it whatsoever. Despite cookies, donuts, and chips being in the house I haven't even considered eating outside of my safe foods. To me that is the success of this week. Ana is winning right now...not on the scale, but in my mind...and I'm happy for it.

As of right now I've decided to change my approach....I'm going to start the ABC diet. I'll have no problem with the calorie limits....Actually I'm kind of afraid of the amount you are actually expected to eat on some days. Anyways I think it will confuse my body into dropping weight instead of holding onto everything I eat. Today I ate the following:

40 pretzel sticks: 100 calories

1 bag of vegetables in a sauce: 200

= 300 calories

I hope I see some results tomorrow.

Oh well....farewell for now.

Nothing moves me anymore...

"Nothing moves me anymore, I'm as cold as a stone..I was flesh and blood before now I'm only skin and bones. There are no signs of life. I've never felt this empty before....nothing moves me anymore." - Wonderland

That song is about a break up, but I've twisted it into my own pro-ana anthem. I find it very helpful. It's kind of depressing and dark....when I get myself in that place mentally I do best with dieting....Only when I'm super happy am I more inclined to eat or anything. I have to continually put myself into this self hatred mode in order to diet ...because I have to force myself to be aware of how disgusting I am in order to continue taking action. Dieting has been effortless lately, but today I kind of wanted to binge....I didn't though and thats what counts, but I didn't show any weightloss because of the running and it was pretty discouraging. I find that when I run i never lose the immediate pounds on the scale like I would if i had just starved and not worked out at all. I ate barely anything yesterday so I know i didnt truly gain weight but still its annoying to not get the results I'm used to seeing. Today I had 400 calories and I have faith that the scales will be nicer tomorrow....hopefully.

Tomorrow I am probably going to see the guy I like and i'm just upset because I feel like he must look at me in disgust...I wish I could go away for a few weeks and then come back in the 150's. I just keep wondering how I let myself get here. I am SOOOO ashamed....and the fact I even think about putting food in my mouth scares me. I feel about myself eating like I do about smokers when I see them hacking up a lung yet still lighting up. Like how can you be so self destructive???? You know thats so horrible for you!

As I write this I am in the middle of a text conversation with a friend of mine and we've both gone up and down on the scales. She is usally a size 2/4 so she has not near the issues I do, but she has been telling me how she feels like people look at her with disgust in public. My feelings exactly. I just can't help but feel sad for us all....my friend, me, the lovely women I follow, and everyone struggling with an ED. We are in this prison of self hate.

Ana will help....she always has.

I need to say this

It's 1am and I should be in bed, but as I went for my nightly walk tonight I found myself filled with rage about so many things and I need to vent it out here. It has to do with my weight loss motivation and I'm sure someone can identify.

Everything that makes me angry just started pushing me harder tonight. I thought about the kids who said I didn't dress "cool" in elementary school, the boys who called me ugly....(and there have been so many), boys who bullied me in highschool, people who tore down my confidence and left me running to food for comfort, boys who said my boobs were too small, the time my mom said my talent was eating, the times girls said things about my weight, the times I was rejected by my crushes for being fat, all the boys who ignored me because I was the ugly girl amongst my friends, the girls who were nice to me simply because I wasn't a threat as far as looks, the comments my dad has made about my weight, when my friend told me my jeans were so tight it was embarrassing, feeling embarrassed to order fattening food out and then being embarrassed to order the low fat item so people don't think I'm on a diet and then think about my weight even more, getting weighed at the doctors office and having the nurse keep pushing the number higher, having people give me unwanted dieting tips as if I've never dieted or don't know how, having to tell people what size I am, being ashamed of my number, lying on my driver's license, being embarrassed to go to the gym, only being able to work out in the dark, being afraid to change in front of anyone, having people tell me my knee would hurt less if I lost weight.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I'm just so sick of it all....I don't want anyone to ever be able to comment on what I'm eating or doing. And seriously you would think that I was 300lbs! but no....just 174 at 5'8. Yes, that is a hideous and horrible number, but not worth having people butt in and make needless comments when I live in a state with an obesity problem....My weight is hardly the issue and I have more self control in my pinky then most people have in their whole body.

I know this is a ridiculous rant, but I just got so worked up on my run that I knew I needed to come back and spill it here.

I find SOOOOOOO much help and encouragement from the rest of the ED community. If I am following you right now....just know you have already given me immense inspiration and I am insanely grateful for it.

By the end of this weekend I just want to be in the 160's so bad.....I'm just worried about weigh in tomorrow. See I basically fasted for two days this week and on those days I lost veryyyyy little as opposed to my regular daily 1-2lb loss, but also I worked out alot on those days and I find that the more I work out the less I see immediate scale results. So I'm not sure which it was from, but two days ago I ate slightly more and I weighed in with a 2 pound loss again. So today I ate about the same, but slipped up by having some broccoli. My total calorie intake was 600 and I burned around 200-300 calories in tonights workout. So we'll see what the results say tomorrow. Hopefully I hit 172....I can only hope and pray. I just won't stop feeling desperate till I'm in the 150's. Then I can take off the last 20-30 pounds as they come, but until then I am so frantic to get this weight off I'm ready to go at it with a cleaver.

One more thing I'd like to touch on and then I'll stop ranting for the night. While I was in England ...in February specifically, I went out with a girl I had become acquainted with for a few drinks. She had this little gay friend with her. He was very thin and about 5'11 I'd say....well the whole night he seemed to ignore me...probably because that what everyone does to the fat girl...well anyways on the way home he started insisting on picking up the girl I was with and her other friend. Both were about 100-115 pounds and short......he just kept going on about how little they were while I stood there....the tall fat girl. That really hit me hard...and to be thinking about such a silly thing this many months later you know it had to. Every girl wants to feel small, delicate, graceful, and light as a feather. I want the next guy I date to be able to pick me up without having to try. Plus....the guy I like seems to love these short little play thing type girls. I've always hated that type of girl.....but it's time I stop hating out of a sick jealousy and make myself so perfect that instead they need be jealous of my mile-long, spidery legs. = )

I also want to be rid of this pudge belly I've ALWAYS had....I take that back....once three years ago I got rid of it and then I quickly regained it.

Ughhh I've just got to quit fussing on here tonight. This is just truly like my diary and it's easier to say it all right now rather then bottle it all up and be in a bad mood everywhere else.

Goodbye and thank you = )

Something of importance...

So since I last wrote I have returned from England and the summer is basically over....crazy! It seems like just yesterday it was starting and now I'm going to buy notebooks for school...bleh

Well not alot happened once I returned home....I spent alot of time doing crafts and waiting for my job to get me back into the schedule. During that time I had very little activity and started eating not so great....which stressed me because I didn't want to gain all the weight I thought I had lost being in England. Well I've gotten ahead of myself....I didn't actually lose that much weight there.....while I do think I toned up my legs a considerable amount I actually weighed MUCH more than I felt or even looked...it was a scary number - 187lbs.

This stressed me into a baby food diet and I lost five pounds which I quickly gained back the following weekend. The thing was my mind wasn't there and thats the things about food, diets, and weight....it's a mental game....NOT physical. You can do as many diets as you want but they will all fail if you're not mentally there. Well I'm not sure when something clicked in my brain exactly, but it was probably around the time I realized how much I like a certain boy..(that always motivates me)

Anyways I just realized that this wasn't impossible....and to tell you the truth...in my subconscious I used to believe it was for years....at least the last three.

I just started dieting and nothing could stop me....I pumped myself up...building up the diet and my motivation ever day until I was at a point of motivation I've never had.

This was probably 3 weeks ago....since then I've been obsessively dieting and looking at thinspo everyday for motivation. I will tell you....when I diet...I starve....I will purge if necessary and I will do anything it takes. I used to starve myself in highschool and I lost ALOT of weight that way.....but middway through my diet I lost motivation....this scares me for now, but I'm older...I've had more dieting experience and I have learned from my mistakes....I know that discouragement could come and I'm ready for it....this time I won't be defeated.

When i was 15 I used to look at anorexia sites for encouragement and getting back into the community has been so helpful....Its so nice to see so many girls who are so much like me....they just get it.

Well I've lost 16 pounds....today i weighed in at 174. At 5'8 I still feel obese, but I feel consolation everytime I look in the mirror just knowing that it won't be this way for long. My goal weight for right now is 130lbs. In the mean time I've using my mini goals to get there....in increments of 10lbs. ....In about two days I should hit 170 and by the end of the month I want to be 160. It may or may not happen, but My ultimate goal should happen by the end of October at the latest. That is when I would like to hit 130lbs. From there I will obviously shoot for something smaller....such as 120 or 115, but for now 130 is where I'm looking.

To give you an idea of what I've done so far I'll tell you my diet. Basically I've found that I have to hit this point of calories where my body doesn't think it's starving(because then I lose nothing as this week proved to me) but it's pretty close. I usually have alot of tea throughout the day, toast with some peanut butter for breakfast and then some broccoli with a little low fat cheese. My caloric intake is about 400 a day and I've been walking at night. I feel so fat and ashamed right now that I feel like any pro ana person would probably laugh at my numbers, but I'm headed the right direction and I will be there soon enough.

I know things will work this time because it's not even about the weightloss ....I just don't want food anymore. I'm angry....I'm angry that this stupid food has kept me from everything I've wanted in life. This stupid food is the only reason I dislike myself.....this food is the reason all the boys I've loved haven't like me back....this food is the reason I've been embarrassed/ This food is the reason I can't figure out what to wear most days. This food is the reason I have to try so hard. This food made me ugly, unwanted, rejected, embarrassed, ashamed, left out, forgotten, unhappy, hideous, disgusting, undeserving. This food didn't give me life....it took it away and now that I realize this....I have control.